“I know.”
John and I stood there kissing for a long time. Neither of us wanted to let go, knowing that would be it. Finally, as John’s kisses started to turn into something else, I decided it was time to pull away.
“If we don’t stop, I’m going to lose my nerve,” I said.
“I don’t mind.”
“I know, but I do.”
“I love you.”
“I wish I could love you.”
“If you change your mind . . .”
“Don’t wait for me.”
“I’ll try not to.”
“You have to promise me. Promise me you’ll find someone who deserves you.”
“I promise.” His voice broke as he said it.
“I’ll envy her, you know.” With that, I walked off, got into my car, and drove away.
I was glad that Thanksgiving was the next day and that I would be in the Bay Area for four days with my family, far from the temptation to be weak and change my mind.
Chapter Forty-Three
The change of scenery in the Bay Area was good for me. Luckily, it was a place that didn’t remind me of Will since I had never gotten the chance to take him to visit as we had promised my family. My family knew that the topic of Will was strictly off-limits. I had plenty of time though to beat myself up over the situation with John.
When I returned to the office after Thanksgiving, it was awkward, and I decided to go to lunch with Rachael rather than the guys.
Rachael asked me point blank at lunch that very first day back. “Is the rumor true?”
“What rumor?”
“One of the secretaries saw you and John going to dinner last week and now there’s a rumor you’re secretly dating.”
“Just what I needed.” I sighed. “No, we’re not secretly dating.”
“That’s not the whole truth though, is it?”
“Not exactly. This is for your ears only, okay?”
“Okay.”
“We did for about two days last week.”
“I knew something funny was going on. You’ve been acting a little stranger than usual today.”
“Sorry. I need to give John some space now.”
“I always thought he liked you. I just never thought you liked him.”
I explained, “I always sort of did, but John was in a relationship and then I was. Since Will, I haven’t been up for a relationship with anyone. Then Will sent me those stupid flowers and it sent me into a tailspin and I turned to John for comfort, but I realized that it was a very bad idea and ended things.”
“Why don’t you just sleep with him? That is the basis of many relationships, most of mine in fact.”
“Yeah, but I care about him. He’s my friend. We work together. He really cares about me and it wouldn’t be enough for him, and I don’t use people like that.”
“You’ll just have to find someone that doesn’t know you well enough to care about you. Then you can have all the sex you want. I highly recommend that arrangement.”
“I’m glad it works for you.”
I continued to distract myself with getting sworn in the next night and then trying to take on as many easy court appearances as was possible so that I could get accustomed to it. It was so exciting. Each courthouse was a little different. As my firm primarily handled defense work, I would always look for the jury box. Plaintiff’s counsel always stood at the table nearest the jury box, whichever side of the courtroom it was located. The other side, the “good guy’s side,” as our senior litigation partner described it, was where I would stand when my case was called. I didn’t handle anything all that important, but I finally felt like a real lawyer.
On the Friday night of the following week, which was my first full week of being a bona fide litigator, I met up with my college friend, Annie, at a sushi place in Beverly Hills. It was her turn in the rotation to keep me company for the evening. Annie always liked to visit different sushi restaurants and, despite the fact that I didn’t like sushi, I would go with her for the chicken teriyaki and the lively atmosphere at these types of places.
We walked into the relatively small restaurant with its long high table and stools along the left side of the restaurant framing the area where the chefs were entertaining those seated there with a show of preparing and serving up the sushi. Tables filled the remainder of the room from the glass windows at the front to the back wall. Annie and I were seated in the middle of the restaurant, along the right wall where we could pretty much see the entire restaurant between us.
I hadn’t been seated too long when I spotted him. Will was there, sitting at a long table at the back with six other people, none of whom I recognized. Unlike his normal routine, he didn’t sit facing away from the crowd in the restaurant.
Although he was still as beautiful as always, he wore several days worth of stubble, his eyes were bloodshot, and he looked fairly out of it. There were a number of large bottles of Japanese beer as well as what looked like sake sitting in front of him. He had each of his arms around the two girls flanking him, one of whom was kissing his neck.
So this was the Mr. Hyde that had been alluded to by Will and his friends from his early days of fame. Seeing him like that made me believe that I had never really known him at all. I stared across the room at him and my eyes went wide with shock. At that moment, he saw me, let go of the girls, and stared back with a pained look on his face.
When Annie noticed what I was staring at, I didn’t need to do any convincing to get her to leave quickly. Will didn’t follow.
Annie tried to cheer me up during dinner at a nearby non-sushi restaurant. I feigned some cheerfulness for her sake, but inside I was a complete wreck. I don’t remember much of the ride home as tears streamed down my cheeks for most of it. I cried myself to sleep that night.
The next morning, an hour or two after I had awakened and dressed, I decided that I needed to get up the energy to get to the office. We had an expression in my profession, usually stated late on Fridays, “Only two more working days until Monday.” Maybe work would distract me from thinking about the horror show I had witnessed the night before.
As I was about to leave finally, the doorbell rang. I thought it was strange since no one had called to be buzzed through the main gate. There were only ten units in the complex and so it wasn’t like there was a lot of traffic in and out of the complex. I looked through the peephole expecting to see one of my neighbors and received a shock. I felt ill. I didn’t answer the door. It was Will.
“Come on, Shannon. Please let me in. I know you’re here. I saw your car in the garage.”
I looked again through the peephole. How does he know where I live? What does he think he’s doing?
Although he had to have been more than a little hung-over, he looked like he had made a serious attempt to get his appearance together. He had shaved and probably used a ton of Visine.
I opened the door slightly. “What do you want?” The tone of my voice wasn’t kind.
“I need to talk to you,” he said urgently.
In spite of everything, I wanted to touch him and to have him hold me so badly. But I was angry, angry that he had left me, angry about what I saw the night before, and angry that he was continuing to torture me. I let him in the door anyway and closed it behind him. I felt compelled to hear what he had to say. I groused at him nonetheless. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
He looked down and put his hand on the back of his neck. “I just didn’t want you to think . . . I’m not that guy.” It was interesting that he used the same phrase he used when he compared himself to his role in Midnight.
“That wasn’t just a movie. That really was you. I was there.” I sat down on the edge of the red velvet sofa, leaned forward and put my head in my hands.
“Well, it was me, but it’s not who I am. I can’t stand for you to have seen me that way, to think of me that way.” He sat down next to me on the sofa, but not too close.
“Why do you ca
re what I think anymore? You left me, remember?”
“Yes, but I can’t help it. I still care. I don’t want you to think badly of me, seeing me like that.”
“I may not like it, but it makes it easier.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“What do you think?”
“I don’t know. Tell me.”
I looked up with an angry expression. “You broke my heart. Seeing you like that makes it easier to move on.”
“But you have moved on, haven’t you?” he said with sadness in his voice.
“Why would you think that?”
“You’re with John.” He said it like it was a matter of fact.
“Why would you think that?” I repeated with emphasis.
“I saw you together.”
“When?” I couldn’t imagine him running into the two of us. Besides, John and I hadn’t been spending much time together lately in light of things.
“I came to see you after you passed the Bar. I wanted to congratulate you in person. I saw you and John walking to your apartment together. I waited for a long while, but he didn’t leave.”
“Oh.” My head sunk deeper into my hands.
“It was like you had stuck a knife into my heart and were twisting it.”
I looked up and said, “And you don’t think that’s how I felt when you broke our engagement? If you felt anything like the way I did, you never could have done that.”
“I did, but I tried to do what was best for you and believed that being with me was not the best thing for you. I loved you enough to let you go. And then when I saw that you were . . . every time I have that vision of John with you going to your apartment to . . . I tried to move on too. I’m just not very good at it.”
“You looked pretty good at it last night.”
“Not really. It takes a lot of liquid courage to get myself up to seeing other women and then, when I do, they’re not what I want, so I manage to get drunker still. Between the alcohol and my emotional state, I become a little dysfunctional.”
“You mean you haven’t . . .?”
“No.”
“What about the women in the magazines, the women last night?”
“No.”
I closed my eyes and sighed. “I’m not with John.”
“What?”
“It was very brief. I had too much to drink when the guys and I went out to celebrate my passing the Bar and John made sure I got home okay. I was so depressed. I got your flowers and it messed me up. I needed comfort, solace, and he was there.”
“Of course, he was,” Will said, his voice thick with sarcasm.
“No, this was my fault. All mine. He didn’t do anything. It was all me. Well, you know what I mean. I am a horrible person and now, not only have I hurt him, I’ve hurt you. It was very selfish of me.”
He sighed and closed his eyes. “No, this has been all my fault. I drove you there. And, it’s not like I wasn’t trying to find my own comfort.”
We both sat there for a moment, neither of us knowing what to say or do next.
Chapter Forty-Four
Finally, I broke the silence. “So we’re both sorry. Where does that leave us? We’re in the same place we were when you broke up with me.”
“No, not exactly. I only thought I couldn’t live without you then. I know it now. It didn’t take me long to realize that I made a huge mistake, but then I was afraid I’d lost you and, when I saw you with John, it appeared to confirm my fears. I really didn’t lose you, though, did I?” His eyes were hopeful.
I shook my head, no.
“Then we’ll figure it out together.”
Will pulled me off the couch and started to kiss me, lightly at first, and then a little more urgently.
I then received the shock of my life. Will leaned up and asked, “Marry me now? I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to be without you one more day. We can go to Las Vegas and celebrate later with our families and friends. Please? I love you.”
It took me a second to recover and, when I was able to process what he had said, I smiled. “I love you. I never wanted to be apart from you either and still don’t. Of course, I’ll marry you. Tonight if you want. But you have to promise me one thing.”
“Anything.”
I almost begged, “Make love to me first. I have missed you more than you can imagine.”
“I doubt that. I know how much I missed you.”
Will kissed me and backed me into my room as he did so. As we were together, I could almost feel the black hole I had been living in for the past few months close behind me. I couldn’t tell Will I loved him enough. It seemed that he felt the same way. Not only did I feel unbelievable pleasure, I felt overwhelming relief that this long, dark period was over. Will and I would be together forever, starting today. We would be bound to each other and he wouldn’t leave me again.
We were both sorely tempted to stay there together for the rest of the weekend. Will was anxious, though, for us to get going and get married – that very day.
While I packed for the trip, Will made the arrangements. When I was ready to go, he took my suitcase from me, took my hand and led me to his car. We needed to go to his place before the airport so that he could get his things.
We arrived at Will’s house in the Palisades and he led me inside by the hand. We ran into Stephen and Kate as we walked through the family room. When they saw me, Kate practically screamed, “Oh, thank God!”
When Colin and Gemma heard Kate, they rushed out of Colin’s bedroom and found us. Stephen, Kate, Colin and Gemma each hugged me tightly and I could hear, “I’m so glad you’re back,” ”It’s so nice to see you again,” “We missed you,” and other similar sentiments while they did so.
When they were finished, Gemma asked, “What happened? When did you get back together?”
Will responded, “Today.” His relief was clear. He smiled, happy.
Kate then spoke, looking at Will and smiling, “I was hoping this would happen. When you asked for Shannon’s address a few weeks ago, I was fairly sure it would eventually. I’m so happy for you. It’ll be nice to have the old Will back again. And we missed you, Shannon.” She looked over at me, smiling.
Will spoke again with excitement in his voice, “She isn’t going anywhere ever again. We’re getting married today.”
“Oh, my God! Really?” Kate smiled brightly, but there was a little shock there.
“Yes. We’re just here to get my things. We’ll be back tomorrow night.” Will beamed and I’m sure I did as well.
They all gave us congratulations hugs and looked genuinely happy for us.
Colin asked, “Do we get to have a party to celebrate?
Will responded, “The six of us can next week sometime. I think we’ll do something more formal, here and in England, for the families sometime in the near future.”
When everyone started to talk over each other, Gemma pulled me aside to ask, “How have you been these past few months? We were worried about you and missed you.”
“I missed you too. It was just so hard. I didn’t want to do anything or see anyone that would remind me. I’m sorry.” I was sad thinking about it.
Will seemed to overhear me and winced. He must not have realized how much pain I had been in these past few months.
She tried to comfort me. “We understood. We just worried about you. We didn’t agree with Will that you would be okay. You weren’t were you?”
I looked at Will as I said, “No.” Will winced again.
Will then grabbed my hand and said, “We’ll have to talk about all this when we get back. We have a plane to catch.” He then pulled me in the direction of his room. I could hear the girls screaming with happiness behind me.
It had been months since I had been in this room. Nothing had changed. I smiled when I noticed that Will still had the picture of the two of us taken in England at our engagement party prominently displayed in the frame I had bought for him in Italy. I thought about a
ll of the time we spent in this room together and desperately wanted to relive some of those memories. I looked at Will and could tell that he was thinking the same thing.
Will pulled me close and kissed me. He must have been thinking about what I said to Gemma because he said with feeling, “I’m so sorry to have put you through that. If I had realized, I never . . .” He looked sad.
“It’s over now.” I said, trying to reassure him. “But I have to tell you that it bothers me that you don’t seem to realize how much I love you. How could you possibly have thought I’d be fine if you weren’t?”
“I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking straight.” He looked down.
I waited for him to look up at me and asked, “Promise me you’ll never doubt me again.”
“I promise.”
I kissed him then. “I love you more than anything.”
His deep green eyes registered the depth of his feeling. “I love you more than anything. Let’s go get married.”
While he was packing, I watched. He handed me one of the dresses still hanging in his closet that I had worn in England. It was the blue one I wore when he proposed. “This was special. Why don’t you wear this when we get married?”
I smiled and took the garment bag from him. I found the shoes and handbag as well and put them aside to place in my suitcase that was in the car.
Will removed from a drawer in the closet my diamond necklace, earrings and engagement ring. He helped me put them on again and I could tell that he hadn’t been happy that I had returned them.
Noticing this, I said, “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings by giving them back. They were just too painful a reminder.”
“I guess I understand. I’m happy to give them back to you now.” He looked at me after I had all of the jewels on and smiled. “That’s better.”
“I won’t take them off again. I promise.”
Will then grabbed another box out of the drawer and put it in his pocket.
“What’s that?” I asked, curious.
“Your wedding ring. I bought it when I bought your engagement ring.”
The light bulb went on in my head and I frowned. “I didn’t think about that. I don’t have a ring for you.”
Away From the Spotlight Page 31
