My work at the foundation gave my life meaning when I didn't know how I would manage to go on after Will's death. Meaning also came from raising William. Knowing that I had to take care of William initially got me through the bad times. No matter how much I didn't want to live for me anymore, I knew that I had to live for William. I owed that to Will.
The other thing that lifted me from utter despair was that, in my dreams, I was able to live another life, one where it was just Will and me and we were happy together. Not long after Will's death, I started to have vivid dreams every night. Will and I would spend time together at the various places we had lived or visited when he was alive. Each night, Will would ask me where I wanted to go. I would answer, “the cruise on the Thames,” “the hotel where we were engaged,” “the house in the Palisades,” “the Four Seasons in Las Vegas” or some other place that had been special for us, and we would go there. We would make love, and talk about my life and how William was doing.
Despite the fact that I was working full-time for Will’s charitable foundation, I still kept in touch with most of Will’s and my friends, including my friends from my old law firm. Max, Daniel and John were, by this time, all married and had kids, some of whom were around William’s age.
Chapter Fifty-Four
About three years after Will’s death, William and I attended the fifth birthday party for Daniel’s oldest daughter, who was about two years younger than William. When we walked in the door and William saw all the princess décor, he made a face at me.
“I’m sure there are boys around here somewhere. Go find them.”
William ran off toward the backyard where most of the party guests had congregated. I followed him and caught up with Max, who was there with his twin eight-year-old daughters. Max’s wife, Colleen, was pregnant, and had stayed at home that day since she was still in the morning, noon and night sickness phase of the first trimester.
“Where are John and Ashley?” I asked after I had greeted Max.
“John will be here with Jack soon.”
I thought that it was strange that Max hadn’t mentioned Ashley. Usually, whenever I was around, John and Ashley came together as a matched set. “What about Ashley?”
“I think I’ll let John tell you himself,” he said ominously. “Here he is.”
John escorted his son, who was only a few months younger than William, to the area where all the boys were playing, including my William. He then approached Max and me. After greeting John, Max left to check on his daughters who appeared to be arguing.
“Where’s Ashley?” I asked as I hugged John, curious now after Max’s comment.
“Not coming.” He wouldn’t look at me.
“I hope nothing’s wrong.” I thought that perhaps Ashley was sick and I started to worry a little.
“Well, I think we’re finally getting a divorce,” John said solemnly.
I said with surprise, “I didn’t know anything was wrong.”
“Well, I wasn’t going to tell you, was I?”
“Why not? Aren’t we good friends?” I asked in confusion.
“Yes, but I didn’t want you to think it had anything to do with you.”
Now he had completely lost me. “Why would I?”
“Because, after all these years, you must know that I’m still in love with you,” he said quietly and without looking at me.
My eyes went wide. No, I had no idea. John and Ashley had reconciled and married about a year after Will and I married and had been married for about eight years. Why would that give me any indication that John was still in love with me?
I tried to change the subject back to Ashley, although I was completely floored by John’s statement. “Weren’t you in love with your wife?”
“Yes, but not enough, apparently. Ashley said she wanted someone who loved only her so she found someone else.”
“You’ve been married to her for eight years and have a son together. How can she say that?”
“It’s an excuse, probably. She wasn’t wrong in saying that I didn’t love only her, but there was no way she could know that. I think she always thought she was settling for me just as I had always thought, but didn’t verbalize, that I had settled for her. She just finally found someone better I guess.”
“You’re saying you both settled for each other? That doesn’t sound like a recipe for a happy marriage.”
“I know, but I tried to be a good husband and a good father. It just wasn’t enough. What else could I have done? You’ve been unavailable. You’ve made it quite clear that you don’t want anyone but Will. Look at you, more than three years have gone by and you’re still not dating at all.”
John’s words made me uncomfortable and defensive. “I don’t want anyone else. I’m just living my life for William right now.”
“Exactly. When are you going to realize that, at some point, you’re going to have to live your life for you? I’m not saying you have to choose me, but you should start choosing life instead of living vicariously through your son. It’s not good for him to see you doing that.”
“Point taken. What do you suggest I do?” I looked down, feeling a little helpless.
Max looked over at us at this point, but, as we appeared to be engaged in an intense conversation, he walked in the other direction toward Daniel and Daniel’s wife, Suzie.
“Why don’t you start simply? Our boys are the same age. Why don’t we go out for dinner, the four of us. You and I could have some adult conversation and the boys would have each other for company. What do you say? How about tonight after the party?”
John looked eager and it made me nervous, thinking about our past experiences. I wasn’t ready to fend off his advances right now. But then I thought about how I had always believed that, in the absence of Will, John and I probably would have been together. Maybe we were supposed to be together. Our lives kept throwing us together.
“Okay.” I’m sure that my nervousness must have been obvious.
“You don’t have to worry about me coming on too strongly this time. I’m still a married man, at least for a while.”
“Good,” I said under my breath. My nervousness dissipated a little.
When we left the party at the same time, we received a strange look from Daniel. I was certain that John would have some explaining to do on Monday at work. We headed off in separate cars to a family-friendly Mexican restaurant on the Westside.
The boys got on very well and John kept his promise not to come on too strong. There was no touching or hand-holding at all. I was both relieved and disappointed. It had been so long since anyone had touched me, other than Will in my nightly dreams.
John and I spent a lot of time together in this manner over the course of the next several months. John requested and received primary custody of Jack. Ashley would get Jack two weeknights and every other weekend. William and Jack became best friends. When it was time for the boys to start the third grade, John enrolled Jack in the same private school as William so they could be together.
John didn’t make any attempt to get physical with me at all. We spent our time with the boys, among friends, or in lengthy conversations. Not that I wasn’t attracted to John. I had always been attracted to John. But since John never tried anything and I felt that any romantic thoughts of John constituted a betrayal of Will, our relationship remained one of good friends.
John and Jack became a part of our lives as if they had always been there. We felt like a family. And John blended well even among Will’s friends, with whom I made sure I remained in regular contact.
About eight months after that first dinner together, John brought Jack to the house for a Friday night sleepover. The moment John and Jack walked in the door, Jack went running upstairs to William’s room as he always did.
John gave me a cheek kiss in greeting and said, “I have some news for you. My divorce is final.” He smiled like there was some special meaning to it. I seemed to be missing it.
“Congra
tulations! I’m happy for you. I’m glad everything worked out.” I gave him a hug.
John didn’t let go. “I’m not married anymore.”
“Yes,” I said simply, still not understanding.
“Well, these past eight months have been wonderful. We’ve spent a lot of time together. I’ve noticed you still haven’t dated anyone else.” He hesitated and then spoke again, “I promise that I’m not going to make the mistakes of the past and put pressure on you, but if you want me, I’m yours.” John was still hugging me, probably not wanting to look at me while he said that for fear of my reaction.
I had thought about being with John over the course of the previous several months, but it had made me feel guilty, particularly since I spent every night dreaming of Will. Despite the fact that they were vivid, the dreams weren’t real. This was. John was.
I leaned up and looked into John’s eyes as I responded, “I do. I want you.” I saw happy surprise in them as I said this.
John leaned back from the hug and kissed me as if he had been waiting years to do so.
Before it got more involved, I pulled away. “Why don’t we go have a glass of wine? The kids won’t be asleep for a while. We’ve waited a long time. Can you wait until then?”
He smiled. “What’s a few hours now?”
After the boys were safely asleep, I led John up to my bedroom. I felt odd at first since it had been Will’s and my bedroom, but my need pushed those uncomfortable feelings aside. Despite the fact that we were both anxious, there was a gentleness there that I had never felt before. I realized, as we made love, that I did love John and perhaps always had in some way. I did not love John in the all-consuming manner that I loved Will and I knew that it would never be that way, but I did love John.
“I love you,” John said as we lay together in each other’s arms afterward.
I looked at him in the dim light through the window and responded, “I love you.”
“You don’t have to say that.”
“I’m not just saying it. I mean it.”
“Please. I’d rather you were honest with me. I understand that you can’t feel what I do. I’m just grateful we’re together finally.”
I tried to be convincing because I meant it. “I’m trying to tell you that I do.”
“You have no idea what that would mean to me, how happy that would make me.” He still didn’t believe me.
“Then be happy.”
Almost as if he were testing me, John said, “If that’s true, marry me.”
“You’ve been single for all of a day and you’re ready to marry again?”
“I’ve been ready to marry you for years. If I hadn’t been such an idiot, we probably would have been married years ago, even before you met Will.”
“I’m sorry. I know it hurts you for me to say this, but, despite my feelings for you, I would never regret Will ever. Besides, I believe things happen for a reason. If things didn’t happen the way they did, there would be no William and no Jack. I can’t wish my son away that easily and I don’t believe you would wish away yours.”
“You’re right. I know.”
“So let’s not regret the past and start living in the present. Thanks to you, I actually want to do that now.”
“So does that mean you’ll marry me?” he asked hopefully.
“Yes, but I expect a more formal proposal later,” I said teasingly, although I meant it.
“I’ll do anything if it means I get to spend the rest of my life with you.”
“You don’t have to go overboard.”
“Isn’t that what Will did?” John asked, but sounded like he regretted saying it out loud.
“Yes, but I’m not comparing you.”
“Good, because I don’t think I could keep up.”
“I felt that way myself most of the time I was with him so I know the feeling. All that matters to me is that it’s special and heartfelt. I don’t require extravagance. In fact, it embarrasses me.”
“Did you ever tell Will that?”
I really didn’t want to continue this line of conversation, but answered anyway, “Yes, but he liked to have his fun in spoiling me. He was like a little kid. I couldn’t refuse him when he went overboard.” I then realized that I could set some ground rules for the relationship between John and me. “I’d rather we do things differently. I don’t want you to feel like you have to compete with Will. I’d prefer that our relationship be completely separate and different.”
“I don’t think it could be any other way.”
“Good. Then it’s settled.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I fell asleep in John’s arms and woke up in Will’s in the same bed. It was jarring and, once I realized where I was, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt.
“Where are we going today?” Will asked.
“I don’t know. Where do you want to do go?” I’m sure I looked guilty. I probably looked surprised as well to be dreaming of Will after sleeping with and agreeing to marry John. My guilt now was two-pronged, like I was cheating on both of them.
“How about the cottage?”
“Where we were engaged?”
“Yes.”
“You know then.”
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to betray your memory.”
“I know. I’m happy you want to live again and that you’re taking steps to be happy in life, but I’m sad that it is with him instead of me as it would have been had I not left,” he said euphemistically.
“Maybe that’s why I’m still dreaming of you,” I thought and said it out loud, not meaning to do so.
“What’s that?” Will looked confused.
“I wondered why, after today, I’m still dreaming of you. Maybe I’m here to ask your forgiveness.”
“There is nothing to forgive, but if you require it, you have it.”
“Now I know I’m dreaming because there is no way Will would forgive me. You were intensely jealous of John.”
“I still am. I’d say envious is a better word though. But I get you here and I’ll take what I can get.”
“Does that mean I’ll still dream of you?”
“Do you want to?”
“Yes.”
“Then I’ll still be here. I’ll always be here waiting for you as long as you want me. Let’s go to our cottage.”
We returned to the cottage where we stayed at the time of our engagement. We made love in the bedroom there and it was the fiery, passionate, can’t keep our hands off each other, all-consuming kind of sex that we had always had. It was in stark contrast to the gentle, soothing lovemaking with John earlier in the evening. The fact that I was having completely different sexual experiences with two different men that I loved in vastly different ways would have completely blown my mind if I hadn’t been able to tell myself over and over that Will was just a dream. I knew that, if they were both real and I had to choose, I would choose Will, but I was glad at that moment a choice didn’t appear necessary.
From then on, I would fall asleep in John’s arms to wake up in Will’s. It didn’t seem fair that I was able to have them both, even if Will wasn’t really there.
Chapter Fifty-Five
Three Years Later
It was loud and chaotic in our household as usual as my husband, three children and I all tried to get ready for our days at work or school. We had two offices and two schools to get to that morning.
My son, William, and step-son, Jack, were sixth graders at a private school not far from our gated home in the Palisades.
William had his father's good looks, including his bushy hair and green eyes, and was as kind and loving as his father had been.
Jack was a lot like his father, tall with dark-haired good looks and his father's quiet disposition. Jack now spent every weekday and every other weekend with us, and the alternate weekends with his mother, Ashley, and her new family.
With their dark ha
ir and same relative gene pool, William and Jack were not blood-related, but looked like they could have been.
“Good morning, Mrs. Maher,” John said brightly as he entered the kitchen. My reaction to my married name was not quite the same as it had been when I was married to Will, but I smiled knowing that calling me “Mrs. Maher” made John happy. Of course, my official last name was “MacKenzie-Maher” in keeping with the different last names of my children.
After commands from John to get moving, the boys waved goodbye and headed out the door to John's car. John kissed me and walked out the door behind them. John would drop the boys off at school and then drive to Downtown L.A., where he was a partner in the law firm where we had met.
I was responsible for our two-year old daughter, Samantha. Samantha had my red hair, thanks to my genes and the fact that John was three-quarters Irish and must have had a redhead in his family somewhere as well. I managed to get Samantha dressed and fed, and carried her out to the car to take to day care on my way to work at the charitable foundation established in Will’s memory.
Notwithstanding the difficulties I had in connection with my miscarriage after Will’s death, I had been blessed in getting pregnant almost immediately after marrying John and being able to carry Samantha to term. She was the redheaded little girl I had always dreamed of having and was becoming my best friend in the world.
That night, after work, I would pick up Iain and Margaret at LAX. They visited us at least twice a year religiously and we visited them in England regularly as well. Although I caught their wistful looks every once in a while, I knew that Iain and Margaret were happy that I had found someone to share my life with after Will’s death. They considered me a daughter and treated John like a son-in-law. And, of course, they treated Jack and Samantha like their grandchildren along with William.
John and I had built a good life together and I was satisfied, not as blissfully happy as I had been with Will, but happy with the fact that my life had meaning and that I had a loving, happy, and healthy husband and family along with many good friends.
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