Chapter Fifty-Six
John passed away from complications of pancreatic cancer at the age of seventy-four. We had been married for thirty-seven years. The night after the funeral, I saw Will again as I had virtually every night since Will’s death.
“Do I get to see John in my dreams too?” I asked Will when I woke up in his arms at our flat in Hampstead.
“Yes, but just this once. He has somewhere to be. I’ll leave you two alone for a while.”
Will led me out of the bedroom and I found John in our bedroom in the Palisades waiting for me. He looked just like he did when we married in our 30’s. It was so nice to see him this way as opposed to the pale, sickly, and fragile man that had passed away several days previously.
As I was also in my 30’s in this scenario, I ran up to John and hugged him tightly.
“I’m so glad you’re okay,” I cried.
“I’m better than okay now. Don’t worry about me. I will miss you though. I hope you’ll be happy with Will.”
I leaned away. “What do you mean? Don’t I get to be with you too?” If I’m dreaming, why can’t I dream of both Will and John?
“No. I don’t think that’s how it works.”
“What do you mean?”
“I think you’re meant to be with Will and I’m meant to be with someone else.”
My eyes went wide. “Who?”
“I don’t know. I just know it’s not you,” he stated matter-of-factly.
“How do you know?”
“I just know.”
“Was there someone else?” A sob escaped my throat.
“No. I think I was meant to be with Ashley and then with you in life. We were meant to raise our children together and to have Samantha together. I’m just not meant to be with you now.”
“I don’t understand.” I continued to sob quietly.
“I don’t either, but I will soon, I suppose. I’m just here to say goodbye and to tell you that I love you.” He hugged me again and my sobs subsided.
“I love you.”
“I never expected that you would, but was glad, am glad, that you do. I knew that I could never fill the hole in your heart left by Will, but I was happy to have the chance to try. You made me very happy in life. I hope you know that.” He kissed my head.
I pulled away slightly still holding on and looked him in the eyes. “You made life worth living again for me. You are the father of my children. I was very lucky to have you. I will always love you.”
He kissed me and we made love one last time in what had been our home together. Afterward, I held onto him tightly and cried, knowing that this was it for us.
“Do you remember what you said to me after we broke up the first time? You told me that you wanted me to find someone who would make me happy and that you would be envious. That’s the way I feel right now. I want you to be with Will because I know he is your soul mate and will make you happy in the long run, but I will be envious. I love you enough to let you go.”
He got up and dressed. What he was dressing for, I couldn’t imagine. I ran up to him and kissed him hard. “Don’t go.”
“I have to. Will’s waiting for you and my soul mate is waiting for me. I’ll love you always. Take care of our family.” He kissed me, and then walked out the door and was gone.
I started bawling, ran to the bed and flopped face down, sobbing uncontrollably. It was like John had died all over again.
When I looked up, I was in Hampstead again and Will lay next to me, looking at me with concern etched in his beautiful face. He reached over and cradled me in his arms. “Are you going to be all right?”
I cried in his arms without answering for what seemed like hours until there was no water left in me.
“I’m sorry, Will. I know I’m hurting you by being like this.”
“Shhh. It’s okay. I know that you love him in your way. And I know that you love me more. I can live with that, so to speak. I have for years now.”
“Our children?”
“Are fine. John was very sick and I think they’re happy he is at peace now. He was able to see his children grow up and to see his grandchildren. He lived a full and happy life surrounded by those he loved and who loved him.”
“Did he? How is that possible if I wasn’t his soul mate?”
“He only knows you weren’t his soul mate now. He didn’t know that when he was alive. He did lead a happy and fulfilled life. Now he will have a happy and fulfilled afterlife.”
“Will he be able to see our children in their dreams too like you do?”
“No. He’s on his way now.”
“Then how come you do?”
“I told you this once. I’m waiting for you.”
“Can’t you wait wherever John is going?”
“I could, but then I couldn’t be here for you. You’ve needed me.”
“When do we go there?”
“Not for a while. You still have more to do.”
“How can that be? I’m seventy-two.”
“I just know that you do. Before you have to wake up, let’s go somewhere together. How about your place in Mid-Wilshire? That’s where we told each other we loved each other for the first time. I remember being sad when you moved. That place held such good memories for me.”
“You never said anything.”
“What could I say? You planned on moving before we met and you would have had to leave eventually to move in with me.”
“You could have told me what it meant to you.”
“I’m telling you now. The first time you told me you loved me was one of the happiest moments of my existence.”
“Same here.”
It was strange how, when I was with Will in my dreams, my memory was crystal clear and not the hazy thing it should have been at age seventy-two.
Will led me into the bedroom of my former apartment. When we arrived, we were in our mid-20’s again. I could almost feel the way I did that night so many years ago, the memories were so strong. As we made love, I whispered, “I love you.”
“I love you, more than I did even then if that’s possible.”
While cuddling with Will afterward, I asked, “When we move on, do we still get this?” I asked, referring to what we had just done.
“I certainly hope so.”
“But you don’t know.”
“How could I? I haven’t been there yet.”
“Then I have news for you. We will be doing a lot of this until it’s my time, just in case.”
“You won’t hear any argument from me. I think it’s time you got back now. You don’t want to worry your family. Lay back now and sleep, love. I’ll be waiting for you tonight.”
As I got even older and approached the end of my life, I realized that, although I wasn’t able to have a full life with Will as I had anticipated in my 20’s, I did lead a full life. I had a career that allowed me to help others, I had a family I loved and who loved me, and I was able to have children with both of the men in my life. Unlike Will, I also was able to see my children grow up and, unlike John, I was able to see all my grandchildren reach adulthood. I even saw my first great-grandchild when William’s eldest son had a baby daughter.
When it was time for me to pass, there was no horrible accident and no long illness. My heart finally gave out and I passed away in my sleep in my home at the age of eighty-five. I woke up in Will’s arms as I always did when I went to sleep each night. That night, however, was different.
“It’s time,” Will said, almost ominously, when I awoke in his arms in our house in the Palisades.
“What do you mean? Where are we going today?”
“You’re with me now forever. There’s no going back.” He smiled a bittersweet smile.
“I died?”
“Yes.”
“Can we go back to the boat one more time before we go wherever we’re going?”
“I don’t see why not.”
We did more than go back to the boat. We start
ed at the Royalist and relived the night we met, followed by the first time we made love, the first time we said we loved each other, the boat on the Thames, the hotel in Berlin, our engagement, our wedding, our two receptions, our first night in our new house, the night we conceived William, the day we learned I was pregnant with William, William’s birth, and the first time we were together after Will’s death, among other happy times.
When we were finished with the long trip down Memory Lane, Will asked, “Are you ready for forever now?”
“With you?”
“Of course.”
“Then, yes. Let’s go. I love you.”
He took my hand. “I’ll love you forever.”
Acknowledgments
Many thanks are owed to the number of friends and family who provided feedback on my manuscript and/or its concept: Anna, Azita, Debbie, Kim, Michelle and Rachel, among others. A special thank you to my editor, Diana, who spent countless hours reviewing my manuscript, serving as the verb tense police and correcting my overuse of initial capital letters in common nouns. A final thank you to my husband and daughter for tolerating the many nights spent in front of the computer and for believing in me and my novel.
About the Author
Tamara Carlisle is a former attorney and business consultant. Away from the Spotlight is her first published work of fiction. She currently is working on two additional novels: one is about love in the music industry and the other is a work of paranormal fiction. Tamara currently resides in the San Francisco Bay Area with her British husband and daughter. For further information, go to http://www.tamaracarlisle.com.
Table of Contents
Copyright
Dedication
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Thirty-Four
Chapter Thirty-Five
Chapter Thirty-Six
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Chapter Forty
Chapter Forty-One
Chapter Forty-Two
Chapter Forty-Three
Chapter Forty-Four
Chapter Forty-Five
Chapter Forty Six
Chapter Forty-Seven
Chapter Forty-Eight
Chapter Forty-Nine
Chapter Fifty
Chapter Fifty-One
Chapter Fifty-Two
Chapter Fifty-Three
Chapter Fifty-Four
Chapter Fifty-Five
Chapter Fifty-Six
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Away From the Spotlight Page 39
