Complete Works of George Moore

by George Moore

  When she was left an orphan, Mr. Burnett had adopted her, and she remembered the joy of coming to Ashwood. She had thought to find happiness there; but there, as at home, fate had gone against her, and she was hardly eighteen when Mr. Burnett had asked her to marry him. She had loved that old man, but he had not loved her; for when she had refused to marry him he had broken all his promises and left her penniless, careless of what might become of her. Then she had given her whole heart to Julia, and Julia, too, had deceived her. And had she not loved Hubert? — no one would ever know how much; she did not know herself, — and had he not lied to her? Oh, it was very cruel to deceive a poor little girl in this heartless way! There was no heart in the world, that was it — and she was all heart; and her heart had been trampled on ever since she could remember. And when they came back they would revenge themselves upon her — insult her with their happiness; perhaps insist on sending her away.

  Dandy drowsed on her lap. The servant brought in the tea, and when he returned to the kitchen he said he had never seen any one look so ghost-like as Miss Emily. The clock ticked loudly in the silence of the old room, the hands moving slowly towards ten. She waited for the hour to strike; it was then that she usually went to bed. Her thoughts moved as in a nightmare; and paramount in this chaotic mass of sensation was an acute sense of the deception that had been practised on her; with the consciousness, now firm and unalterable, that it had become impossible for her to live. When the clock struck she got up from her chair, and the movement seemed to react on her brain; her thoughts unclouded, and she went up-stairs thinking clearly of her love of this old house. The old gentleman in the red coat, his hand on his sword, looked on her benignly; and the lady playing the spinet smiled as sweetly as was her wont. Emily held up the candle to the picture of the windmill. She had always loved that picture, and the sad thought came that she should never see it again. Dandy, who had galloped up-stairs, stood looking through the banisters, wagging his tail.

  The moment she got into her room she wrote the following note: ‘I have taken an overdose of chloral. My life was too miserable to be borne any longer. I forgive those who have caused my unhappiness, and I hope they will forgive me any unhappiness I have caused them.’ They were nothing to her now; they were beyond her hate, and the only pang she felt was parting with her beloved Dandy. There he stood looking at her, standing on the edge of the bed, waiting for her to cover him up and put him to sleep in his own corner. ‘Yes, Dandy, in a moment, dear — have patience.’ She looked round the little room, and, remembering all that she had suffered there, thought that the walls must be saturated with grief, like a sponge.

  It was a common thing at that time for her to stand before the glass and address such words as these to herself: ‘My poor girl, how I pity you, how I pity you!’ And now, looking at herself very sadly, she said, ‘My poor girl, I shall never pity you any more!’ Having hung up her dress, she fetched a chair and took various doses of chloral out of the hollow top of her wardrobe, where she had hidden things all her life — sweets, novels, fireworks. They more than half-filled the tumbler; and, looking at the sticky, white liquid, she thought with repugnance of drinking so much of it. But, wanting to make quite sure of death, she resolved to take it all, and she undressed quickly. She was very cold when she got into bed. Then a thought struck her, and she got out of bed to add a postscript to her letter. ‘I have only one request to make. I hope Dandy will always be taken care of.’ Surprised that she had not wrapped him up and told him he was to go to sleep, the dog stood on the edge of the bed, watching her so earnestly that she wondered if he knew what she was going to do. ‘No, you don’t know, dear — do you? If you did, you wouldn’t let me do it; you’d bark the house down, I know you would, my own darling.’ Clasping him to her breast, she smothered him with kisses, then put him away in his corner, covering him over for the night.

  She felt neither grief nor fear. Through much suffering, thought and sensation were, to a great extent, dead in her; and, in a sort of emotive numbness, she laid her candlestick in its usual place on the chair by her bedside; and, sitting up in bed, her night-dress carefully buttoned, holding the tumbler half-filled with chloral, she tried to take a dispassionate survey of her life. She thought of what she had endured, and what she would have to endure if she did not take it. Then she felt she must go, and without hesitation drank off the chloral. She placed the tumbler by the candlestick, and lay down, remembering vaguely that a long time ago she had decided that suicide was not wrong in itself. The last thing she remembered was the clock striking eleven.

  For half an hour she slept like stone. Then her eyes opened, and they told of sickness now in motion within her. And, strangely enough, through the overpowering nausea rising from her stomach to her brain, the thought that she was not going to die appeared perfectly clear, and with it a sense of disappointment; she would have to begin it all over again. It was with great difficulty that she struck a match and lighted a candle. It seemed impossible to get up. At last she managed to slip her legs out of bed, and found she could stand, and through the various assaults of retching she thought of the letter: it must be destroyed; and, leaning in the corner against the wall and the wardrobe, she tried to recover herself. A dull, deep sleep was pressing on her brain, and she thought she would never be able to cross the room to where the letter was. Dandy looked out of his rug; she caught sight of his bright eyes.

  On cold and shaky feet she attempted to make her way towards the letter; but the room heaved up at her, and, fearing she should fall, and knowing if she did that she would not be able to regain her feet, she clung to the toilette-table. She must destroy that letter: if it were found, they would watch her; and, however impossible her life might become, she would not be able to escape from it. This consideration gave her strength for a final effort. She tore the letter into very small pieces, and then, clinging to a chair, strove to grasp the rail of the bed; but the bed rolled worse than any ship. Making a supreme effort, she got in; and then, neither dreams nor waking thoughts, but oblivion complete. Hours and hours passed, and when she opened her eyes her maid stood over the bed, looking at her.

  ‘Oh, miss, you looked so tired and ill that I didn’t wake you. You do seem poorly, miss. It is nearly two o’clock. Should you like to sleep a little longer, or shall I bring you up some breakfast?’

  ‘No, no, no, thank you. I couldn’t touch anything. I’m feeling wretched; but I’ll get up.’

  The maid tried to dissuade her; but Emily got out of bed, and allowed herself to be dressed. She was very weak — so weak that she could hardly stand up at the washstand; and the maid had to sponge her face and neck. But when she had drunk a cup of tea and eaten a little piece of toast, she said she felt better, and was able to walk into the drawing-room. She thought no more of death, nor of her troubles; thought drowned in her; and in a passive, torpid state she sat looking into the fire till dinner-time, hardly caring to bestow a casual caress on Dandy, who seemed conscious of his mistress’s neglect, for, in his sly, coaxing way, he sometimes came and rubbed himself against her feet. She went into the dining-room, and the servant was glad to see that she finished her soup, and, though she hardly tasted it, she finished a wing of a chicken, and also the glass of wine which the man pressed upon her. Half an hour after, when he brought out the tea, he found her sitting on her habitual chair nursing her dog, and staring into the fire so drearily that her look frightened him, and he hesitated before he gave her the letter which had just come up from the town; but it was marked ‘Immediate.’

  When he left the room she opened it. It was from Mrs. Bentley: —

  ‘Dearest Emily, — I know that Hubert told you that he was not going to marry me. He thought he was not, for I had refused to marry him; but a short time after we met in the park quite accidentally, and — well, fate took the matter out of our hands, and we are to be married to-morrow. Hubert insists on going to Italy, and I believe we shall remain there two months. We have made arrangements for you
r aunt to live with you until we come back; and when we do come back, I hope all the little unpleasantnesses which have marred our friendship for this last month or two will be forgotten. So far as I am concerned, nothing shall be left undone to make you happy. Your will shall be law at Ashwood so long as I am there. If you would like to join us in Italy, you have only to say the word. We shall be delighted to have you.’

  Emily could read no more. ‘Join them in Italy!’ She dashed the letter into the fire, and an intense hatred of them both pierced her heart and brain. It was the kiss of Judas. Oh, those hateful, lying words! To live here with her aunt until they came back, to wait here quietly until she returned in triumph with him — him who had been all the world to her. Oh no; that was not possible. Death, death — escape she must. But how? She had no more chloral. Suddenly she thought of the lake. ‘Yes, yes; the lake, the lake!’ And then a keen, swift, passionate longing for death, such as she had not felt at all the night before, came upon her. There was the knowledge too that by killing herself she would revenge herself on those who had killed her. She was just conscious that her suicide would have this effect, but hardly a trace of such intention appeared in the letter she wrote; it was as melancholy and as brief as the letter she had torn up, and ended, like it, with a request that Dandy should be well looked after. She had only just directed the envelope when she heard the servant coming to take away the tea-things. She concealed the letter; and when his steps died away in the corridor and the house-door closed, she knew she could slip out unobserved. Instinctively she thought of her hat and jacket, and, without a shudder, remembered she would not need them. She sped down the pathway through the shadow of the firs.

  It was one of those warm nights of winter when a sulphur-coloured sky hangs like a blanket behind the wet, dishevelled woods; and, though there was neither moon nor star, the night was strangely clear, and the shadow of the bridge was distinct in the water. When she approached the brink the swans moved slowly away. They reminded her of the cold; but the black obsession of death was upon her; and, hastening her steps, she threw herself forward. She fell into shallow water and regained her feet, and for a moment it seemed uncertain if she would wade to the bank or fling herself into a deeper place. Suddenly she sank, the water rising to her shoulders. She was lifted off her feet. A faint struggle, a faint cry, and then nothing — nothing but the whiteness of the swans moving through the sultry night slowly towards the island.

  XX

  ITS RICH, INANIMATE air proclaimed the room to be an expensive bedroom in a first-class London hotel. Interest in the newly-married couple, who were to occupy the room, prompted the servants to see that nothing was forgotten; and as they lingered steps were heard in the passage, and Hubert and Julia entered. The maid-servants stood aside to let them pass, and one inquired if madame wanted anything, so that her eyes might be gratified with a last inquisition of the happy pair.

  ‘How wonderful! oh, how wonderful! I don’t think I ever saw any one act before like that — did you?’

  ‘She certainly had three or four moments that could not be surpassed. Her entrance in the sleep-walking scene — what vague horror! what pale presentiment! how she filled the stage! nothing seemed to exist but she.’

  ‘And Ford; what did you think of Ford’s Macbeth?’

  ‘Very good. Everything he does is good. Talent; but the other has genius.’

  ‘I shall never forget this evening. What an awful tragedy!’

  ‘Perhaps I should have taken you to see something more cheerful; but I wanted to see Miss Massey play Lady Macbeth. But let us talk of something else. Splendid fire — is it not?’

  Hubert threw off his overcoat, the movement attracted Julia’s attention, and it startled her to see how old he seemed to have grown. She noticed as she had not noticed before the grey in his beard and the pathetic weary look that haunted his eyes. And she understood in that instant that the look his face wore was the look of those who have failed in their vocation.

  And at that very moment he was wondering if he really loved her, if his marriage were a mistake. The passion he had felt when walking with her on the wet country road he felt no longer, only an undefinable sadness and a weariness which he could not understand. He looked at his wife, and fearing that she divined his thoughts, he kissed her. She returned his kiss coldly and he wondered if she loved him. He thought that it was improbable that she did. Why should she love him? He had never loved any one. He had never inspired love in any one, except perhaps Emily.

  ‘I wonder if you really wished to be married,’ she said.

  ‘I always wished to be married,’ he replied. ‘I hated the Bohemianism I was forced to live in. I longed for a home, for a wife.’

  ‘You were very poor once?’

  ‘Yes: I’ve lived on tenpence and a shilling a day. I’ve worked in the docks as a labourer. I went down there hoping to get a clerkship on board one of the Transatlantic steamers. I had had enough of England, and thought of seeking fortune elsewhere.’

  ‘I can hardly believe you worked as a labourer in the docks.’

  ‘Yes; I did. I saw some men going to work, and I joined them. I don’t think I thought much about it at the time. A very little misery rubs all the psychology out of us, and we return more easily than one thinks to the animal.’

  ‘And then?’

  ‘At the end of a week the work began to tell upon me, and I drifted back in search of my manuscript.’

  ‘But you must have been in a dreadful condition; your clothes — —’

  ‘Ah! thereby hangs a tale. An actress lived in one of the houses I had been lodging in.’

  ‘Oh, tell me about her! This is getting very interesting.’

  Then passing his arm round his wife’s neck, and with her sweet blonde face looking upon him, and the insinuating warmth of the fire about them, he told her the story of his failure.

  ‘But,’ she said, her voice trembling, ‘you would not have committed suicide?’

  ‘No man knows beforehand whether he will commit suicide. I can only say that every other issue was closed.’

  At the end of a long silence Julia said, ‘I wish you hadn’t spoken about suicide. I cannot but think of Emily. If she were to make away with herself! The very possibility turns my heart to ice. What should I do — what should we do? I ought never to have given way; we were both abominably selfish. I can see that poor girl sitting alone in that house grieving her heart out.’

  ‘You think that we ought never to have given way!’

  ‘I suppose we ought not. I tried very hard, you know I did.... But do you regret?’ she said, looking at him suddenly.

  ‘No; I don’t regret, but I wish it had happened otherwise.’

  ‘You don’t fear anything. Nothing will happen. What can happen?’

  ‘The most terrible things often happen — have happened.’

  ‘Emily may have been fond of me — I think she was; but it was no more than the hysterical caprice of a young girl. Besides, people do not die for love; and I assure you it will be all right. This is not a time for gloomy thoughts.’

  ‘I’ll try not to think of her. Well, what were we talking about? I know: about the actress who lived in 17 Fitzroy Street. Tell me about her.’

  ‘She was a real good girl. If she hadn’t lent me that five shillings, I don’t know where I should be now.’

  ‘Were you very fond of her?’

  ‘No; there never was anything of that sort between us. We were merely friends.’

  ‘And what has become of this actress?’

  ‘You saw her to-night?’

  ‘Was she acting in the piece we saw to-night?’

  ‘It was she who played Lady Macbeth.’

  ‘You are joking.’

  ‘No, I’m not. I always knew she had genius, and they have found it out; but I must say they have taken their time about it.’

  ‘How wonderful! she has succeeded!’

  ‘Yes, she has succeeded!’

 
; ‘And she is really the girl you intended to play Lady Hayward?’

  ‘Yes; and I hope she will play the part one of these days.’

  ‘Of course, she is just the woman for it. What a splendid success she has had! All London is talking about her.’

  ‘And I remember when Ford refused to cast her for the adventuress in Divorce. If he had, there is no doubt she would have carried the piece through. Life is but a bundle of chances; she has succeeded, whatever that may mean.’

  ‘But you will let her have the part of Lady Hayward?’

  ‘Yes, of course — that is to say, if — —’

  ‘Why “if”?’

  ‘My thoughts are with you, dear; literature seems to have passed out of sight.’

  ‘But you must not sacrifice your talent in worship of me. I shall not allow you. For my sake, if not for hers, you must finish that play. I want you to be famous. I should be for ever miserable if my love proved a upas-tree.’

  ‘A upas-tree! It will be you who will help me; it will be your presence that will help me to write my play. I was always vaguely conscious that you were a necessary element in my life; but I did not wake up to any knowledge of it until that day — do you remember? — when you came into my study to ask me what fish I’d like for dinner, and I begged of you to allow me to read to you that second act. It is that second act that stops me.’