Complete Works of George Moore

by George Moore

  As they walked on together, Paul’s thoughts returned to the miracle of his apostleship, received, he said, by me from Jesus Christ our Lord himself on the road to Damascus. Thy brethren have doubtless related the story to thee how in my journey from Jerusalem to Damascus, full of wrath to kill and to punish the saints, I was blinded by a great light from the skies, and out of a cloud Jesus Christ our Lord spoke to me: Paul! Paul! he cried, why persecutest thou me? Ever since I have preached that there is but one Mediator between God and man — Christ Jesus our Lord, and if I ran out whilst thou wast telling thy story, crying, he is mad, he is mad! it was because it seemed to me that thou wert speaking by order of the Jews who would ensnare and entrap me or for some other reason. None may divine men’s desire of soul, unless an evil spirit has descended into thee I may not divine any reason for thy story. There is some mistake that none would regret more than thou, for thou wouldst hear the truth from me this day, thereby gaining everlasting life. Why dost thou not answer me, Jesus? Because thou’rt waiting to hear from me the words that our Lord Jesus Christ spoke to me? My brethren have told it to me, Jesus answered. And thou believest it not? Paul cried. I believe, Jesus answered, that the Jesus that spake to thee out of a cloud never lived in the flesh; he was a Lord Jesus Christ of thy own imagining, and I believe, too, that if we had met in Galilee thou wouldst not have heeded me, and thou wouldst have done well, for in Galilee I was but a seeker; go thou and seek and be not always satisfied with what first comes to thy hand.

  These words provoked a great rage in Paul, and believing Jesus to be an evil spirit come to tempt him, he turned fiercely upon him, threatening him with his staff, bidding him begone. But as he could not desert Paul in the wilderness Jesus dropped behind him and directed Paul’s journey, bidding him tread here and not there, to avoid the hill in front of him, and to keep along the valley.

  In this way they proceeded for about another hour, and then Jesus cried out to Paul: yonder are the fig-trees where the shepherd told me to look for a pool among the rocks after the late rains. Art overcome, Paul, with the long march and the heat? Rest. Let me untie thy sandals. Alas! they are worn through and will scarce carry thee into Bethennabrio. But they must carry me thither, Paul answered, and if there be water in the pool after we have drunken and filled our water-bottle I’ll loose the thongs and bathe my feet.

  The season was advanced, but there were still leaves on the fig-trees, and among the rocks some water had collected, and having drunk and filled the water-bottle, Jesus loosed the thongs of Paul’s sandals and bound his feet with some bandages torn from his own clothing. He broke the bread that the passing shepherd had given him, but Paul could eat very little so overcome was he with fatigue. I shall try to eat after I have slept a little, and having made his head comfortable with his sheepskin, Jesus watched him doze away.

  Soon after the warm rocks brought sleep to Jesus’ eyes, and he fell asleep trying to remember that he had nothing more explicit to rely upon than his own declaration (where should it be made, in the streets to the people or in the Sanhedrin to the priests?) that he was Jesus of Nazareth whom Pilate condemned to the cross, only his own words to convince the priests and the people that he was not a shepherd whom the loneliness of the hills had robbed of his senses. He could not bring the Essenes as testimony, nor could they if they came vouch for the whole truth of his story.

  CHAP. XLI.

  HAST SLEPT WELL, Paul, and hath sleep refreshed thee and given thee strength to pursue thy journey? Paul answered that he was very weary, but however weary must struggle on to Cæsarea. Thy strength wilt not suffer thee to get farther than Bethennabrio, and to reach Bethennabrio I must make thy sandals comfortable, Jesus answered, and on these words he knelt and succeeded in arranging the thongs so that Paul walked without pain.

  They walked without speaking, Paul afraid lest some chance word of his might awaken Jesus’ madness, and Jesus forgetful of Paul, his mind now set on Jerusalem, whither he was going as soon as Paul was safely out of the way of the Jews. Each shut himself within the circle of his own mind, and the silence was not broken till Paul began to fear that Jesus was plotting against him, and to distract Jesus’ mind from his plots, if he were weaving any, he ventured to compare the country they were passing through with Galilee, and forthwith Jesus began to talk to Paul of Peter and John and James, sons of Zebedee, mentioning their appearances, voices, manner of speech, relating their boats, their fishing tackle, the fish-salting factory at Magdala, Dan, and Joseph his son. He spoke volubly, genially, a winning relation it was of the fishing life round the lake, without mention of miracles, for it was not to his purpose to convince Paul of any spiritual power he may have enjoyed, but rather of his own simple humanity. And Paul listened to all his narratives complacently, still believing his guide to be a madman. If thou hadst not run away crying, he is mad, he is mad! thou wouldst have heard how my crucifixion was brought about; how my eyes opened in the tomb and —— Interrupting Jesus, Paul hastened to assure him that if he cried out, he is mad, he is mad, he had spoken the words unwittingly, they were put into his mouth by the sickness in which Jesus had discovered him. And the sickness, he admitted, might have been brought about by the shock of hearing thee speak of thyself as the Messiah. But, Paul, I did not speak of myself as the Messiah, but as an Essene who during some frenzied months believed himself to be the Messiah. But, shepherd, Paul answered, the Messiah promised to the Jews was Jesus of Nazareth, who was raised by his Father from the dead, and thou sayest that thou art the same. If thou didst once believe thyself to be the Messiah thou hast repented thy blasphemy. Let us talk no more about the Messiah. In the desert these twenty years, Jesus answered. But not till now did I know my folly had borne fruit. Nor do I know now if Joseph knew that a story had been set going. It may be that the story was not set going till after his death. Now it seems too late to go into the field thou hast sown with tares instead of corn. To which Paul answered: it is my knowledge of thy seclusion among rocks that prompts me to listen to thee. The field I have sown like every other field has some tares in it, but it is full of corn ripening fast which will be ready for the reaping when it shall please the Lord to descend with his own son, Jesus of Nazareth, from the skies. As soon as the words Jesus of Nazareth had left his lips Paul regretted them, for he did not doubt that he was speaking to a madman whose name, no doubt, was Jesus, and who had come from Nazareth, and having got some inkling of the true story of the resurrection had little by little conceived himself to be he who had died that all might be saved; and upon a sudden resolve not to utter another word that might offend the madman’s beliefs, he began to tell that he had brought hope to the beggar, the outcast, to the slave; though this world was but a den of misery to them, another world was coming to which they might look forward in full surety; and many, he said, that led vile lives are now God-fearing men and women who, when the daily work is done, go forth in the evening to beseech the multitude to give some time to God.

  In every field there are tares, but there are fewer in my field than in any other, and that I hold to be the truth; and seeing that Jesus was listening to his story he began to relate his theology, perplexing Jesus with his doctrines, but interesting him with the glad tidings that the burden of the law had been lifted from all. If he had stopped there all would have been well, so it seemed to Jesus, whose present mind was not able to grasp why a miracle should be necessary to prove to men that the love of God was in the heart rather than in observances, and the miracle that Paul continued to relate with so much unction seemed to him so crude; yet he once believed that God was pleased to send his only begotten son to redeem the world by his death on a cross. A strange conception truly. And while he was thinking these things Paul fell to telling his dogma concerning predestination, and he was anxious that Jesus should digest his reply to Mathias, who had said that predestination conflicted with the doctrine of salvation for all. But Jesus, who was of Mathias’ opinion, refrained from expressing himself definitely on the po
int, preferring to forget Paul, so that he might better consider if he would be able to make plain to Paul that miracles bring no real knowledge of God to man, and that our conscience is the source of our knowledge of God and that perhaps a providence nourishes beyond the world.

  Meanwhile Paul continued his discourse, till, becoming suddenly aware that Jesus’ thoughts were far away, he stopped speaking; the silence awoke Jesus from his meditation, and he began to compare Paul’s strenuous and restless life with his own, asking himself if he envied this man who had laboured so fiercely and meditated so little. And Paul, divining in a measure the thoughts that were passing in Jesus’ mind, began to speak to Jesus of our life in the flesh and its value. For is it not true, he asked, that it is in our fleshly life we earn our immortal life? But, Paul, Jesus said, it seems unworthy to love virtue to gain heaven. Is it not better to love virtue for its own sake? I have heard that question many times, Paul answered, and believe those that ask it to be of little faith; were I not sure that our Lord Jesus Christ died, and was raised by his Father from the dead, I should turn to the pleasures of this world, though there is but little taste in me for them, only that little which all men suffer, and I have begged God to redeem me from it, but he answered: my grace suffices.

  A great pity for Paul took possession of Jesus, and seeking to gain him, Jesus spoke of the Essenes and their life, and the advantage it would be to him to return to the Brook Kerith. Among the brethren thou’lt seek and find thyself, and every man, he continued, is behoven sooner or later to seek himself; and thyself, Paul, if I read thee rightly, hath always been overlooked by thee, which is a fault. So thou thinkest, Jesus, that I have always overlooked myself? But which self? For there have been many selves in me. A Pharisee that went forth from Jerusalem with letters from the chief priests to persecute the saints in Damascus. The self that has begun to wish that life were over so that I may be brought to Christ, never to be separated again from him. Or the self that lies beyond my reason, that would hold me accursed from Christ, if thereby I might bring the whole world to Christ in exchange: which self of those three wouldst thou have me seek and discover in the Brook Kerith? He waited a little while for Jesus to answer, then he answered his own question: my work is my conscience made manifest, and my soul is in the Lord Jesus Christ that was crucified and raised from the dead by his Father. He lives in me, and it is by his power that I live.

  The men stopped and looked into each other’s eyes, and it seemed to them that no two men were so irreparably divided. Thou must bear with me, Paul, Jesus said, a little while longer, till we reach a certain hillside, distant about an hour’s journey from this valley. I must see thee to a place of safety, and the thoughts in my mind I will consider while we strive up these sand-hills. Now if thy sandals hurt thee tell me and I will arrange the thongs differently. Paul answered that they were easy to wear, and they toiled up the dunes in silence, Paul thinking how he might persuade this madman to return to his cenoby and leave the world to him.

  There are some, he said, as they came out of a valley, that think the time is long deferred before the Lord will come. Thou’rt Jesus of Nazareth, I deny it not, but the Jesus of Nazareth that I preach is of the spirit and not of the flesh, and it was the spirit and not the flesh that was raised from the dead. Thy doctrine that man’s own soul is his whole concern is well enough for the philosophers of Egypt and Greece, but we who know the judgment to be near, and that there is salvation for all, must hasten with the glad tidings. Wilt tell me, Paul, of what value would thy teaching be if Jesus did not die on the cross? Many times and in many places I have said my teaching would be as naught if our Lord Jesus had not died, Paul answered. Are not my hands and feet testimony, Paul, that I speak the truth? Look unto them. Pilate put many beside thee on the cross, Paul replied, and, as I have told thee, my Christ is not of this world. If he be not of this world, is he God or angel? Jesus asked, and Paul said: neither, but God’s own son, chosen by God from the beginning to redeem the world, not the Jews only, but all men, Gentiles and Jews alike. Thou hast asked me to look into thy hands and feet, but what testimony may be a few ancient scars to me that heard our Lord Jesus Christ speak out of the clouds? Thou wast not in the cenoby when I told my story, hoping thereby to get a dozen apostles to accompany me to Spain, a wide and difficult country I’m told, a dozen would not be too many; but thou wast not there to hear what befell me on the road to Damascus, whither I was going to persecute the saints; and again a great pity for Paul took possession of Jesus as he listened to the story. Were I to persuade him that there was no miracle, his mind would snap, Jesus said to himself, and he figured Paul wandering demented through the hills.

  And when Paul came to the end of his story he seemed to have forgotten the man walking by his side. He is rapt, Jesus said to himself, in the Jesus of his imagination. And when they had walked for another hour Jesus said: seest the ridge of hills over yonder? There we shall find the village, two hours’ march from Cæsarea. The sea rises up in front of thee and a long meandering road will lead thee into Cæsarea. At yonder ridge of hills we part. And whither goest thou? Paul asked. Returnest thou to the Brook Kerith? I know not whither I go, but a great seeming is in my heart that it will not be to the Brook Kerith nor to Jerusalem. To Jerusalem? Paul repeated. What persuasion or what desire would bring thee to that accursed city of men more stubborn than all others? I left the Brook Kerith, Paul, after listening to Hazael for a long while; he sought to dissuade me against Jerusalem, but I resisted his counsel, saying that now I knew thee to be preaching the resurrection of Jesus of Nazareth from the dead, thereby leading the people astray, I must return to Jerusalem to tell the priest that he whom they believed to be raised from the dead still lived in the flesh. However mad thou beest, the priests will welcome thy story and for it may glorify thee or belike put thee on the cross again. But this is sure that emissaries will be sent to Italy and Spain, who will turn the people’s mind from the truth; and the testimony of the twelve that saw Jesus and of the five hundred that saw him afterwards will be as naught; and the Jews will scoff at me, saying: he whom thou declarest was raised from the dead lives; and the Gentiles will scoff and say: we will listen to thee, Paul, another day; and the world will fall back into idolatry, led back into it by the delusions of a madman. The word of God is a weak thing, Paul, Jesus answered, if it cannot withstand and overcome the delusions of a madman, and God himself a derision, for he will have sent his son to die on the cross in vain. Of the value of the testimony of the twelve I am the better judge. Then thou goest to Jerusalem, Paul asked, to confute me? No, Paul, I shall not return to Jerusalem. Because, Paul interrupted, thou wouldst not see the world fall back into idolatry? Thou art a good man despite —— Despite my delusions, Jesus said, interrupting Paul. So thou’rt afraid the world will fall back into idolatry? — yet Jesus of Nazareth has been proclaimed by thee as the Messiah, a man above mankind. A spiritual being, higher than the angels, therefore, in a way, part and parcel of the Godhead though not yet equal to God. Thinkest, Paul, that those that come after thee will not pick up the Messiah where thou hast left him and carry him still further into deity?

  It is not fear of idolatry, Paul, that turns me from Jerusalem. The world will always be idolatrous in some sort of fashion. Bear that well in mind whither thou goest. The world cannot be else than the world.

  Let us sit here, Paul answered, for I would hear thee under this rock in front of this sea; thou shalt tell me how thou earnest into these thoughts. Thou, a shepherd among the Judean hills. Jesus answered him: the things that I taught in Galilee were not vain, but I only knew part of the truth, that which thou knowest, that sacrifices and observances are vain; and when I went to Jerusalem the infamy of the Temple and its priests became clear to me, and I yielded to anger, for I was possessed of a great desire to save the people. The Scribes and Pharisees conspired against me, and I was brought before the High Priest, who rent his garments. We have but little time to spend together, and rather than that s
tory I would hear thee tell of the thoughts that came to thee whilst thou didst lead thy flocks over the hills.

  For many years, Paul, there were no thoughts in my mind, or they were kept back, for I was without a belief; but thought returned to my desolate mind as the spring returns to these hills; and the next step in my advancement was when I began to understand that we may not think of God as a man who would punish men for doing things they have never promised not to do, or recompense them for abstinence from things they never promised to abstain from. Soon after I began to comprehend that the beliefs of our forefathers must be abandoned, and that if we would arrive at any reasonable conception of God, we must not put a stint upon him. And as I wandered with my sheep he became in my senses not without but within the universe, part and parcel, not only of the stars and the earth, but of me, yea, even of my sheep on the hillside. All things are God, Paul: thou art God and I am God, but if I were to say thou art man and I am God, I should be the madman that thou believest me to be. That was the second step in my advancement; and the third step, Paul, in my advancement was the knowledge that God did not design us to know him but through our consciousness of good and evil, only thus far may we know him. So thou seest, Paul, he has not written the utmost stint of his power upon us, and this being so, Paul — and who shall say that it is not so — it came to me to understand that all striving was vain, and worse than vain. The pursuit of a corruptible crown as well as the pursuit of an incorruptible crown leads us to sin. If we would reach the sinless state we must relinquish pursuit. What I mean is this, that he who seeks the incorruptible crown starts out with words of love on his lips to persuade men to love God, and finding that men do not heed him he begins to hate them, and hate leads on into persecution. Such is the end of all worship. There is but one thing, Paul, to learn to live for ourselves, and to suffer our fellows to do likewise; all learning comes out of ourselves, and no one may communicate his thought; for his thought was given to him for himself alone. Thou art where I was once, thou hast learnt that sacrifices and observances are vain, that God is in our heart; and it may be that in years to come thy knowledge will be extended, or it may be that thou hast reached the end of thy tether: we are all at tether, Paul.