by Lucy Clark
Helen beamed. ‘Are you kidding? That would be wonderful and I’m dying to see the place.’
‘Excellent.’
Joe sat on the beach for hours, just watching life go by. His life had gone by pretty quickly and suddenly he’d found himself getting closer to forty. What had Rach said? The older you get, the better you know yourself. She was right. He knew himself better now than he had at nineteen.
He knew he loved her and it was a love that had never died but had lain dormant for years until she’d walked back into his life. He loved the strong, independent woman she’d become—admired her courage. He knew she would go on living her life without him if that was what he wanted but, he finally admitted to himself, it wasn’t what he wanted.
You’re not into happy families.
Declan’s words, combined with the pain he’d witnessed in his son’s eyes, filtered through his mind. Happy families was what Rachael and Declan wanted…no, needed, and amazingly he realised he needed it, too.
He knew she loved him, she’d told him so and he’d seen it in her eyes when they’d delivered little Cynthia. But what about the future? Did she really want to build one with him? He frowned as another thought came to mind. Knowing there was only one way to get the answer, he stood up, carelessly brushed the sand away and headed to his car.
Five minutes later, he was knocking on Rachael’s apartment door. He was surprised when Helen opened it.
‘Aha. Didn’t expect to see me here, did you? We’ve just finished dinner. Declan’s on the phone with a friend and Rachael’s in the kitchen.’
‘No, she’s not. She’s here,’ Rachael said from behind Helen as she wiped her hands on a dish towel. ‘You OK?’
‘Yeah. I wanted to apologise to Declan for not being there this afternoon.’
‘He won’t be long. Come on in,’ she instructed, as they were all standing in the doorway. ‘You want the guided tour?’
Joe smiled and shoved his hands deep into his jeans pocket. ‘Sure.’
‘I’ll finish up in the kitchen,’ Helen said, and tactfully disappeared.
‘Well, this is the living area and over here…’ Rachael walked to an archway ‘…is the hallway, and we have Declan’s bedroom down there and mine at the other end.’
‘Mmm-hmm.’ He followed behind, watching the gentle sway of her hips as she spoke. She’d changed from the clothes she usually wore to work into a denim skirt which came to mid-thigh, revealing her sublime legs. Her T-shirt was big and baggy and looked comfortable. Her hair was loose, her face devoid of make-up and she was barefoot, with painted toenails and a toe ring. He raised his eyebrows and when she realised he was looking down at her feet, she smiled.
‘A present from Declan. To keep me young at heart.’
‘No piercings? Tattoos?’
‘No.’
‘Glad to hear it.’ He leaned back against the wall in the small hallway. She leant against the opposite wall, facing him.
‘Are you here to look at the apartment or me?’
‘You.’ He took her left hand in his and after a moment gently slid the simple wedding band off her finger. ‘Hope you don’t mind,’ he said. Rachael gasped as her insides churned with longing…but she didn’t try to stop him.
He looked at the ring closely, reading the inscription. ‘‘‘Rach, love Joe’’.’ He nodded slowly. ‘Do you wear this because it was the only wedding band you could find to protect yourself from scrutiny, or do you wear it because you couldn’t bear to take it off?’
‘How important is my answer? I mean, will it alter things?’
‘Are you going to be stubborn about this?’
‘Are you going to answer my question?’
‘Yes, it’s important and, no, it won’t alter things. I just want to know.’
Her heart was pounding wildly against her chest. ‘You put it there, Joe, and I couldn’t bring myself to take it off. Call me corny, sappy or whatever else you want, but—’
Her words were cut short as he moved like lightning and pressed his mouth to hers. His body heat warmed her through and through as they hungrily took from each other.
‘It’s been way too long since you kissed me,’ she panted as they broke apart briefly to snatch a breath. He pressed her back against the wall, covering her body with his, needing to get as close as possible to the woman of his dreams.
‘Rachael. Rachael,’ he panted after a few moments. He pressed kisses around her face, on her neck, before heading home to her mouth again where he forced himself to slow down. The sweet and subtle seduction in his kiss only made her melt even more and finally, when he broke free and gently caressed her cheek with the back of his fingers, he said, ‘You were the last person I ever wanted to see again…and you were the only person I ever wanted to see again.’
‘I know what you mean. Joe?’ She kissed his fingers as they trailed across her lips. ‘Can you tell me? About the past?’
‘Yes.’ He walked back into the living room and shut the door. ‘It’s time. Have a seat.’
Rachael did as she was asked and waited. He paced the room, glanced unseeingly at pictures on the walls and finally stopped just before her.
‘I had no one, Rach. I look at you and the way you are with Declan and I envy that. I had no one until Helen found me, but that’s jumping too far ahead.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I’d learned at an early age not to show my true emotions. From my earliest memory, I was shoved aside if I cried. I was about four years old and my father was yelling at me for something—I can’t remember what—and I started to cry and he gave me a backhand right across the face. It was so hard it knocked me off the chair. Then he walked away.’
Rachael watched the controlled emotions as he spoke. She could feel his pain and anguish and her own heart cried out for that little boy who’d been abused.
‘It didn’t get better. Time and time again he’d hit me. Then he started hitting me just for the fun of it. If I cried, he just hit me harder so I learned not to.’ There was an edge to his voice, one she hadn’t often heard. ‘I’m not telling you this to shock you and I certainly don’t want your pity. I want you to know why I pushed you away.’
‘I got too close.’
‘Yes.’
‘All you told me was that you’d been in foster homes and that finally you were old enough to earn some money and escape to travel the world.’
‘There’s a lot more to it than that.’
‘So I figured at the time, but I didn’t want to push. When we first met, you were funny and crazy and the most exciting person I’d ever met. You were also one of the smartest.’ She smiled. ‘Remember how we stayed up late while travelling on the bus, just talking?’
Joe smiled at her. ‘From politics to music.’
‘We didn’t always agree…’
‘But, then, who does?’ He sat beside her and cupped her face in his hands. ‘You were amazing. So caring and accepting. No one had ever treated me like that before. Not in such a personal and romantic way.’ He brushed his lips tenderly over hers, drawing those emotions deep into his soul. He looked down into her eyes, still amazed to find her love for him had never died. He could see it reflected in every part of her and it made him feel…special.
Joe knew he had to continue the sordid recount of his past, astonished to find how easy it was to say these things to her. He should have known. This was Rachael. The woman who loved him. He brushed one last kiss across her lips before moving away.
Again she waited patiently for him to continue.
‘I’d always been put down, even in the foster homes which weren’t much better than my real home.’
‘Did you live on the streets?’
‘Yes. Believe it or not, it was safer.’ He shrugged. ‘At least in a gang I had people looking out for me. We were all in the same boat, beaten by our parents or foster-parents, and had no one to care for us.’
‘So you cared—in a very broad sense of the word—for each other.’
; ‘Yes. Getting away from everything, from the streets, from the violence that surrounded me, getting away was all I could think about. It was what kept me going. It was what kept me sane. I dropped out of school and got a job in a junkyard. It was easy money and mindless work. I was still in the gang and although I had several brushes with the law, I was thankfully never convicted.’
‘What with?’
‘Stealing cars. Sometimes stealing food. At one of the foster places I was in, they wouldn’t feed us so we’d sneak down to the kitchen at night and raid the place.’
‘Why wouldn’t they feed you?’
‘The government gave them money to be foster-parents and they just took it all and left us with nothing. They’d put a lock on the food cupboard but I learned how to pick locks at a very young age.’
‘What happened?’ Rachael was astounded.
‘You mean when they found the food gone? I’d get beaten because I was the oldest.’
‘You stuck up for the others.’
‘They were just kids.’
‘And you were? What? Thirteen?’
‘Yes.’ Joe looked out the dark window, his back rigid. ‘One night we ate all the food—even the onions—we were so hungry. I was beaten so badly I ended up in hospital. That’s when Helen stepped in.’
‘She cared about you.’
Joe turned and looked over his shoulder at Rachael. ‘Yes. Took me years to trust her but she saved me from being made a ward of the State and put into a shelter. That’s when I started to let myself open up a bit.’
‘Did she foster you?’
‘Not officially. In those days, you had to be married. She did what she could, though. When I was sixteen, she fixed up a small shack for us to live in, made sure we had food.’
‘Who’s we?’
‘My brother—John.’ Joe looked back out the window. ‘He was a wild one but I managed to keep him out of the courts. I felt responsible for him.’
‘What about Melina? Do you have other…siblings?’
‘I had three half-brothers and two half-sisters. Two of my brothers died when they were toddlers.’
‘Oh, Joe!’ Tears sprang instantly to her eyes and she stood, desperate to go to him. He didn’t turn around and she placed her hands on his shoulders, massaging gently.
‘Melina’s the only one I keep in contact with. I don’t know where the others are.’
‘And John?’
Joe shook his head and turned, dragging her into his arms. He rested her head on his chest, content to hold her for a moment. ‘As I said, I worked for years, slowly getting better jobs until I had enough money to go overseas and lose myself. That trip to America was my freedom trip. It was proof to myself that I could do what I wanted, that I didn’t have to follow rules set by anyone else. I could make my own life. My own rules. I planned to do a quick tour, then find somewhere I liked and settle down to work. Didn’t know where or what but I was going to be free.’ Joe raked his hand through his hair and pulled back to look at her. ‘And then I met you.’
‘And then you met me.’
‘You were so different from the other girls I’d…dated.’
‘Meaning I came from a family with money?’
He grimaced but didn’t deny it. ‘There was that, but that wasn’t why I was attracted to you, Rach. In fact, your wealthy background was a turn-off, but for those three weeks we were together, I pushed away the outside world. There was no rich or poor, no right or wrong—just you and me.’
‘And then I got too close.’
‘You drive me insane, Rachael. My need for you drives me insane, and it scares me that I can’t control myself.’
She bit her lip. ‘I’m sorry, Joe. I don’t mean to get too close.’
‘I know. You’ve got closer than any other woman, and back then I was astounded at how astute you were. I can’t believe I actually married you but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted you so badly.’
‘But as you’ve said, you could have just talked me into your bed. So why suggest we go down the ‘‘Las Vegas impulsive marriage’’ track?’
He grinned. ‘Because it seemed like fun. And…’ He paused and met her gaze. The smile disappeared from his face as he became serious once more. ‘And because I felt you deserved better than to be just a roll in the hay.’
‘Deserved better? Hmm. So you married me and then broke my heart.’ She nodded. ‘I think I would have preferred the hay. At least I wouldn’t have built a world on false promises.’
‘I deserved that.’
‘Yes.’
Joe hung his head and exhaled harshly. It was time to face the past, to tell her the truth, and although he’d taught himself from a very early age to remain numb when anything personal came his way, he knew what he was going to say would hurt her.
‘So why did you marry me?’ She pulled back to really look at him.
‘It’s simple.’ His gaze didn’t waver as he spoke. ‘I married you…because I loved you. Acknowledging that scared the life out of me but the thought of you with any other guy…’ Joe clenched his hands into fists and shook his head. ‘I couldn’t stomach it.’
‘So why end it? If you loved me, if you wanted me with you…why? Help me to understand, Joe, because I don’t. I never have. One minute we were happy and the next—bam! You were ripping my heart into tiny little pieces and discarding them.’
‘You’re right. You deserve to know.’ He closed his eyes, his voice carefully controlled. ‘You remember that second morning? Of course you do,’ he muttered, answering his own question. ‘On that second morning I got a phone call from Helen.’
‘Helen?’
‘Yes.’ He opened his eyes. ‘She’d been trying for days to track me down through the tour organisers and finally succeeded.’ He paused, his gaze darkening as he remembered. ‘You were in the shower.’
It was all coming back to her now, as though it had happened only yesterday. She’d left their bed and had gone to shower, waiting for Joe to join her as he had every other time she’d left his side. That time he hadn’t. She’d told herself not to be concerned that he hadn’t come into the shower, yet when she’d returned to the bedroom, he’d already got dressed and had been sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands.
‘I asked you what was wrong.’
Joe cleared his throat and tried to get his thoughts back in gear. His mind had mentally stalled at the memory of Rachael in the shower, while his body just ached even more to have her with him beneath the spray once more. ‘Yes.’ He focused. ‘You asked what was wrong and I…I turned my pain and my anger on you. I told you I didn’t want to be married any more and that I’d only done it as a joke.’
Rachael’s throat choked up at hearing those awful words again. ‘I’m glad you remember it word for word.’
‘Rachael.’ Joe placed his hands on her shoulders, his touch almost begging her to understand. ‘I’m so sorry.’ His words were heartfelt and imploring. She could see the pain and anguish in his eyes and knew he finally spoke the truth about that fateful day. ‘I knew I’d hurt you, but I had to.’
‘Why?’
‘Because John had been arrested for armed robbery and had hung himself in gaol.’
‘What?’ Rachael couldn’t believe it. ‘Joe. Joe.’ She gathered him to her and wrapped her arms about his waist. ‘Why didn’t you just tell me? I could have been there for you. Helped you. I was your wife!’
Joe hesitated. ‘I couldn’t tell you because you were my wife.’
‘What?’ She stared up at him. ‘That doesn’t make any sense.’
‘When Helen called and told me about John, it was like a slap in the face. The real world had intruded into our private slice of heaven, and I knew I couldn’t drag you back into my real world. It was different from yours and I could never hope to give you the things you needed.’
‘All I needed was you, Joe.’
‘No. Rachael, we were young and I had no idea what I wanted to do with
my life. You’d already been accepted to medical school and had a life planned—a life I would never have fitted into. I felt so worthless…and I knew with such clarity that in time—if we’d stayed together—you would come to realise I was worthless.’
‘Joe.’ She was appalled. ‘How could you think that?’
‘We were from different worlds. It didn’t matter what I wanted, it would never happen. John was my brother—my real brother. Same mother, same father, and together we’d seen it all. Street fights, gangs, murders, and all by the time I was twelve. We’d been beaten, abused and shoved from one foster family to the next. I did things I’m not proud of and the memories will plague me for the rest of my life, regardless of how sorry I am for ever doing them. I hurt other people because it was the only way I knew to cope.’
Rachael didn’t want to hear it but at the same time knew she needed to. She needed to be part of his pain, part of his past if anything was going to happen between them in the future.
‘It brought everything home, Rachael. It made me realise I had to push you away. Right then, right there.’
‘But we could have worked through things.’
‘You would have been hurt worse if we’d tried to make a go of it.’
‘I doubt that.’
‘It would have been worse.’
‘How can you say that?’ she pushed.
‘Because I know!’ Joe ground out, and let her go so he could pace once more. ‘Think about it, Rach. What would we have done when we returned to Australia? Where would we have lived? With your parents? In a nice, cushy town house they would have bought you? No. I’m a man who needs to be in control and I wouldn’t have been in that situation. Besides, you had six years of medical school ahead of you and the only plan I had was to avoid Australia and become a professional beach bum.’
‘And did you?’
Joe exhaled and shook his head. ‘I tried to, but four months after John’s death my best friend was attacked by a shark. We were surfing at night in Hawaii, and everything happened so fast. I managed to get him back to shore but he died soon after. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to save him. If I’d even known CPR, I could have done something. It was then I realised that if I’d been more like you, more dedicated to finding a path for my future, had done a first-aid course, I might have been able to save him or at least get him breathing again until help arrived.’
