More Than You Know

by Alexandria Rhodes

  We made our way around the table greeting everyone. As our dinners arrived and the champagne was poured, Oliver stood up. “It’s such an amazing thing to see how happy Miles makes my daughter. I couldn’t be happier to see my little girl so thrilled with her life and so happy with you, Miles. Welcome to the family, although you were already in it. To Charlotte and Miles.”

  Charlotte, always being so organized, already had details squared away for her wedding.

  We spent the dinner discussing when and where she wanted to get married. Charlotte also used this time to ask me and Eva to be a bridesmaid to which we happily replied, “yes.”

  Fourteen

  ____________________

  Being a manager came with its perks, but getting up early to be at work by eight to check if everything was clean and ready for the day was a bit much. Sure, this wasn’t early but for a restaurant that normally just serves lunch and dinner, it was hard to comply positively.

  Tyler stopped in to see me as I was taking my break that afternoon and asked if I wanted to have a date night when I got home. He explained that Jason and Eva were going to see a movie, some new comedy that was supposed to be hilarious, and we were invited. Miles and Charlotte were going to spend some time with Miles's family and were thinking of joining us afterwards for drinks.

  “Yeah, sure! I still have to do some inventory and then make sure we are even with the bank statements, but after all of that is done I’ll be home. I’ll just need a half an hour to get ready.”

  “Sounds good, movie starts at 6:45. Do you want me to pick you up around 6:00?” he said as he started to walk away.

  “Yeah! See you later, boyfriend.”

  After inventory, bank statements, and running around, I finally gathered the last of my things and clocked out, ready to be home. By the time I got there it was close to 4:30. I had just enough time to make something quick to eat to hold me over, shower and be ready to go by 6:00. I was cutting it close though.

  I could feel something was off when I walked inside. Ashton’s car was parked outside and it was quiet, too quiet. He usually had the television on sports, all the time. I was almost nervous to find him, and when I did I definitely knew something was wrong.

  Ashton was sitting on a chair at the kitchen table with a piece of paper in front of him, his head in one of his hands and his dad next to him. Both had lifeless expressions on their faces.

  “Carter?” I asked, feeling instantly nervous. “Was I supposed to be here at a certain time? I needed to go to the store to get some things. What's wrong? You're starting to really freak me out. Are you all right?” I asked, trying not to look at the piece of paper.

  “Yeah, I’m fine, Bryn, but I do have something to tell you,” he said taking the letter from Ashton’s hands. “This came in the mail today.”

  I scanned the top of the letter, To Whom It May Concern,

  “What is this?” I asked. I was starting to panic and just wanted Ashton to tell me what the hell was going on.

  “It's a letter.” Well no shit! “It's a letter from the recipient of your dad’s heart.”

  “My dad’s what?” I asked, completely taken aback by his choice of words. My dad was dead. He was buried and as far as I knew there was nothing taken out. This couldn't be possible. Whoever sent this letter must have us mixed up with someone else. Yeah that's it, this was all a misunderstanding, and I was going to make a call to the hospital to demand an apology.

  “This must be a mistake. I'll get this taken care of so we will get the apology we deserve.”

  “Bryn, this isn't a mistake,” Carter said. “I didn't want to upset you any more than you already were when he died, but your dad was an organ donor. The day he…passed away, there was someone who was in need of a heart and your dad was a match.” He took a deep breath. “This is just one of the letters that I’ve received from the hospital. They’ve been coming to my mailbox from the hospital for the last four years. Some come with others, some, like this one, come alone.”

  I needed to sit down. I pulled out a chair and put my head in my hands. Someone had my dad’s heart? My dad’s heart was beating inside of someone else. Someone is walking around with the thing that made my dad the amazing man he was. What else of my dad’s was still living on?

  Ashton scooted closer to me. “Listen, Bryn, this is something that your dad obviously wanted. He helped save someone's life. His life didn't go to waste; your dad still lives on. This letter is really nice, and I think you should read it. It might give you some closure,” he said. “We won’t leave you here alone if you want to read it. We’ll always be here for you, you know that.”

  What I needed was to be alone…I was about to have a full on breakdown and I didn't want anyone to see that.

  I excused myself and went upstairs. I sat down on my bed, placing the letter very gently on my comforter, almost as if it were breakable. I looked around at everything besides that small space the letter took up.

  Those words were written because my dad’s heart was willing them to live. I looked at the clock and gasped at the time. I only had an hour before Tyler was going to be here but that hour felt like an eternity.

  I had to read it. If I waited until after the movie, I was going to be in a bad mood the whole night and then it would be an even bigger deal than what I was ready for.

  Okay, here we go. Deep breath in and out, Bryn, I said to myself. I picked the letter up which felt like ten pounds instead of zero and unfolded it. Here goes nothing.

  To whom it may concern:

  I don't even know where to start. I guess I should start by saying how much I greatly appreciate what your family member did for me. When I woke up from surgery and received the news from my doctor that they had given me a heart transplant, I knew I would be eternally thankful. I wasn't going to make it much longer without a new heart, and I had so much life left to live.

  I have wanted to contact you ever since I woke up from that surgery. I hated that I have something that was taken away from you and your family, but I need you to know that I will be forever grateful for what he/she did for me and for me and my family.

  I am not expecting to have any contact with you in person, but if you want to write back, please know that it is okay to do so. You can write me back and send the letter to the hospital if you want to. Again, I just wanted to thank you so much for giving me the gift of a second chance at life.

  I was sobbing as soon as I started reading. I had never even imagined that this could or would happen. I stood up and walked over to my desk, setting the letter down. I needed a shower; digesting and understanding all of this would have to wait until after the movie if I even go.

  Grabbing my towels off the hook on the back of my door, I walked into the bathroom and let the steam from the hot water overtake my tears.

  I had been in there for a long time and when I heard the knock at the front door, my heart started pounding. Tyler must be here.

  Looking in the mirror, I gasped. I didn't really recognize my reflection. My eyes were huge and puffy, my nose red and running and my lips were swollen from crying. I was an absolute mess. I heard another knock on the door and I knew that no matter how hard I tried, Tyler would make his way up here eventually.

  I heard his frantic footsteps coming up the stairs and I looked in the mirror one more time before he knocked.

  “Babe? What's wrong? Ashton said you were upset and that you've been up here for awhile. He wouldn’t tell me what was going on—are you all right? You're scaring me,” he said from the other side of the door.

  I wrapped myself in a towel, and opened the door a crack. “Baby, what's wrong?” he asked empathetically. I wanted so bad to let him wrap himself around me so that I would feel safe. But first, I needed some clothes.

  I took a deep breath and with my voice cracking a bit I said, “Something with my dad. Something I never knew.”

  He rubbed my arm. “You want to talk about it?”

  I nodded. “I do, bu
t can you grab my sweatpants and a t-shirt from my room? I forgot them when I came in for a shower.”

  “Sure, anything, Bryn. I’ll be right back, okay?”

  A couple of minutes passed, and he never came back. I knew I had a left a pair of sweatpants on my bed and a crappy old t-shirt was lying over my desk chair.

  What could possibly be taking him so long? Something wasn't right. I wrapped myself in my towel and headed to my room.

  And that's when I saw him and what he had in his hand…

  Fifteen: Tyler

  _____________________

  Bum-bum bum

  Bum-bum bum

  My heartbeat.

  Bum-bum bum

  Bum-bum bum

  Their heartbeat. Not mine.

  For what seemed like the millionth time in my life, I lay with my hand on my chest, feeling the steady beat of another’s heart.

  The guilt that came with this never ceased, and every morning while lying in my bed, I couldn’t help but be thankful for someone else's selfless act.

  Did that make me selfish? Living with something that wasn't mine to begin with?

  Taking something from someone who’d had no final say in the matter? I felt like a horrible person that first year after my transplant. I spent countless hours in therapy, both emotional and physical. I quickly learned that therapy and exercise weren't the only things that were going to change in my life.

  The numerous medicine bottles that sat in my bathroom cabinet would be there forever. I was going to be on anti-rejection medication the rest of my life.

  My doctors had let me know that my body could reject my new heart, and that would make this all for nothing. My dad reminded me daily how important it was for me to care for myself and watch for signs of rejection. The other reminder was the ugly, jagged eight-inch pink scar that ran the length of my sternum.

  It was easy enough to conceal with clothing, but every time I had to change in front of someone, I froze. I didn't want people to see it and say, "Oh, there's that guy who had the heart transplant. Be careful around him."

  After I told Bryn about my heart transplant, it killed me to watch her reaction.

  It took her time to come to terms with it, to believe that I was fine now. But she finally did come back to me, and it was a huge weight lifted off my chest.

  Bryn...she was my saving grace.

  There was no doubt our relationship was for forever.

  She made me want to move past the guilt and live my life to its fullest potential. I needed to move beyond the fact that my heart had once belonged to someone else and finally claim it as my own.

  That was why, when my dad came over tonight, I was going to talk to him about moving forward with something that I had been thinking of doing for the past year and a half. It was going to be a busy couple of days for Bryn at work, which meant I would have plenty of time to think and write out a letter. I got up and went to the bathroom, popped my meds in my mouth and swallowed them with a gulp of water. I splashed my face with water trying to wake up, and when I found it wasn't working, I decided to get going.

  When I got to the gym, I was surprised to see the only other people there were employees. Glancing at the clock, I realized why, it wasn’t even nine. Most people were now at work or school.

  I had the entire place to myself.

  I did my hour of cardio and then moved on to weights. It wasn't part of the workout that my doctors had given me, but I thought why the hell not? I am here already. I finished up around 11:30 and headed home.

  After my shower, I found my dad sitting at the kitchen table with a steaming cup of coffee in his hand.

  “Hey, Tyler. Hope you don’t mind that I made coffee,” he said, looking up from the newspaper that was lying in front of him, the bags under his eyes apparent. Whenever he had a 24-hour shift, he always needed at least a day to catch up. This time it looked like he needed a week.

  “Rough twenty-four hours?” I asked, grabbing an apple from the fruit basket. I washed it off and joined him at the table.

  He laughed. “You have no idea.” He took a sip of coffee. “You have a good workout today?”

  “Yeah, it was so weird though. No one was there so I had the whole place to myself.”

  “I think that I’m going to have to start joining you one of these days. Your old man is getting out of shape, fast.” He joked, placing a hand on his stomach.

  My dad was far from out of shape. He was always active when he wasn’t at the hospital or spending time with family. I had looked up to him when I was a little kid. I remember thinking to myself that I wanted to be just like him when I grew up. So when I got into school, I made the decision to play sports. However…my condition changed everything.

  There was a pause in the conversation about staying fit, and I knew that it was now or never if I wanted to talk about my issue without all of the craziness of the family around.

  “Dad, I want to talk to you about something.”

  “Everything all right? How are things with Bryn?”

  “Yeah, everything is great with Bryn. And I’m fine, health-wise, but I guess this does have something to do with my heart. I want to find out about contacting the donor's family. I need to thank them for everything,” I stammered, hoping I was making sense and he would understand why I wanted—no, why I needed— to do this.

  He took in a deep breath and folded his hands. “Are you sure this is what you want to do, Tyler?” he asked simply.

  I nodded. “Dad, I’ve wanted to do this from the moment I woke up from my surgery. I need to do this for them and for myself. I want them to know how grateful I am that their loved one saved my life.”

  He nodded slowly, taking in my words. He finally broke the silence. “I understand. I made some inquiries at the hospital four years ago. I spoke to the coordinator on your transplant team, and all you have to do is write a letter and send it to the transplant center at the hospital. They will contact the donor's family, and your letter will be forwarded to them. If you really want to go through with this, you have to understand that this has to be done with complete anonymity. It's going to be very hard for them also. Not to say that it won't help them find closure, as that is very possible, but this is a very emotional thing you’re going to do. Make sure that you write what you feel is appropriate and keep their feelings in mind.” He paused and looked at me seriously. “I know you’re going to do the right thing, Tyler, just keep everything I've said in mind, okay? And let me know if you need me.”

  “Thanks, Dad,” I said, relieved that he thought this would be a good idea.

  He motioned for me to follow him into his old office, and he opened a drawer and pulled out a manila folder, which held a huge stack of papers.

  “This is the information I got from your transplant coordinator the week you were discharged.” He pulled some papers out and spread them on his desk. “You’re going to put this address on the envelope,” he said, pointing to an address highlighted. “If the donor's family decides to write you back, they will follow the same procedure. You still okay with this?” he asked.

  “Yeah. It’s like I’ve said before—I’ve been thinking about this for over a year now. I need this, and I want them to know how I feel about their family member. Thanks for getting this stuff for me. I really appreciate it. Can you just not tell anyone besides Mom? I don't want this made into a big deal. If they decide to write back, maybe I will. But for now, I don't see why anyone needs to know about this.”

  Not even Bryn. Not yet.

  “Your secret is safe with me. You know where to find me if you need me,” he said.

  We walked out of the office, and he hugged me before leaving, saying that Mom was making him his favorite dinner. I took my things upstairs to my room and pulled out the stack of papers and a pen, sitting down and turning on some music to help calm me down. My hands were shaking with anxiety. I took deep breaths, like the doctors had taught me, and I finally felt calm wash over me.

&n
bsp; I put the pen to the paper and wrote:

  Dear transplant family.

  No, that didn't seem right. I crossed it out and started again.

  Dear whomever this concerns.

  I went through a dozen different versions, and two hours later, I finally had it finished.

  I read through it again just to make sure it sounded okay.

  To whom it may concern:

  I don't even know where to begin. I guess I should start by saying how much I greatly appreciate what your family member did for me…

  When I finished, I wrote the address on the envelope, sealed it, ran outside and stuck it in the mailbox, glad to have finally finished what I needed to do. My phone beeped. Bryn had sent me a text letting me know she had gotten promoted to manager at Sixth Pence, signing it with her love.

  Always, I responded.

  Nothing would ever come between us.

  ---

  A few weeks after I had written the letter things hadn’t changed much. I hadn’t heard from the heart transplant team and I was beginning to think I wouldn’t. Since I knew this was a possibility, I hadn’t gotten my hopes up for it which helped in my disappointment.

  On the night Bryn and I were going to see a movie with Eva and Jason, I pulled into her driveway at just past six. I had already texted her, letting her know I was running a little late, but I hadn't heard from her. I assumed she was just busy getting ready for tonight. She wasn’t the type to get mad about a few minutes late though.

  I expected to see Bryn’s smiling face when the door opened but was greeted by Ashton.

  “Hey, Tyler,” he simply said, opening the door enough to allow me in and then shaking my hand.

  “Hey man, do you know if Bryn is ready? I’m a little late,” I asked, looking around the corner into the living room.

  “Uh, no, she’s still upstairs. She's been in the bathroom for a really long time.”

  “Is she sick or something?”

  He shook his head. “No, nothing like that, but she’ll need to tell you what’s going on herself.”