The Dead and Gone

by Susan Beth Pfeffer

  "Did I eat soup?" Alex asked. "I seem to remember soup."

  "We found a bottle of aspirin, so we dissolved pills in the soup," Julie said. "You hated it, but we got some of it down each time. How do you feel?"

  "Awful," Alex said. "Like a truck ran over me. And I'm wet. How come I'm wet?"

  "Well, you sweated a lot," Julie said. "And you wet yourself. You were in the sleeping bag, and we figured it was better to keep you in it, because you kept trying to get up. When you're stronger, you can get out of it, and we'll let it dry."

  Something about the sleeping bag made Alex think of Kevin. "Kevin?" he said.

  "He's dead," Julie said. "That's what you told me on Friday."

  Yeah, that was right. Harvey was dead, too.

  "I'll be better soon," Alex said. "I promise. I'll be strong enough to take care of you soon."

  And with those words, he fell back asleep.

  When he woke up again, it was dark, the only illumination coming from a single candle. "What's happening?" he asked.

  "Nothing," Julie said. "Go back to sleep."

  But Alex felt more awake than he had in days. "What time is it?" he asked.

  "I don't know," Julie said. "It's not that late. It's just dark in here, that's all."

  "I'm hungry," Alex said.

  "You haven't eaten very much the past few days," Julie said. "We still have food, if you want some. Would you like some spinach?"

  Alex thought about it and shook his head. "I want something sweet," he said. "Do we have anything sweet in the house?"

  "I don't think so," Julie said.

  Alex tried to focus. His whole body ached and the throbbing in his head was close to unbearable. "Could you blow the candle out?" he asked. "It hurts my eyes."

  "I don't think I should," Julie said. "It's the only light we have. But I can move it farther away." She got up and carried the candle to a table behind the sofa so Alex's back was to it. "Is that better?"

  "Yes, thank you," Alex said. "I know this is crazy, but did the sun start shining while I was sick?"

  "You thought it did," Julie said. "That was yesterday. The electricity came on. It was on today, too, but you slept through it."

  "Electricity," Alex said. "That's a good sign."

  "I guess," Julie said. "The microwave sure made things easier."

  "I don't suppose Mami or Papi came back," Alex said. It felt like he'd spent a lot of time with them lately.

  "No," Julie said. "It's just us. Same as always."

  "Where's Bri?" Alex asked. "Is she all right?"

  "Bri was great," Julie said. "She and I took turns watching after you. She was really amazing. It's like she didn't even care she had asthma. She said we just had to keep our faith that the Holy Mother would watch over you, and she did."

  "And today's my birthday?" Alex asked. "I'm eighteen?"

  "Yeah," Julie said. "Happy birthday. Sorry there's no party."

  Alex closed his eyes, trying to remember why his birthday was so important. But before he could come up with an answer, he'd fallen back asleep.

  Friday, December 23

  His throat was parched. He groped for the glass of water he always kept on the end table, but he couldn't find it.

  "Julie!" he said. "Julie, I'm thirsty."

  "I'll get you some water," she said. "And a couple of aspirin."

  Alex waited for her to bring the water to him. When she did, he took a gulp, then swallowed the two aspirin, washing them down with more water. There wasn't enough water in the world, he thought. Or maybe there was too much. Whatever, he was still thirsty.

  "Could I have some more?" he asked. "Please?"

  "I guess," Julie said. She went back to the kitchen and returned with a full glass. "Don't gulp," she said. "Are you hungry?"

  "I don't know," Alex said. "I think I will be. I feel better than yesterday, but I still ache all over."

  "The aspirin should help," Julie said.

  "What time is it?" Alex asked.

  "I wish you'd stop asking that," Julie snapped. "What difference does it make?"

  Alex considered telling Julie not to use that tone with him, but it wasn't worth the effort. "Where's Bri?" he asked instead. "Is she still sleeping?"

  "Maybe you should go back to sleep," Julie said. "It's still pretty early."

  That seemed like a very good idea. He'd go back to sleep and let the aspirin work its magic. When he woke up next, he was sure he'd feel much better.

  He woke up with a smile on his face. He'd had a very pleasant dream, although he couldn't quite remember the details. Something about living in a small town, like the ones where he'd spent his Fresh Air Fund summers. People walked around smiling. He remembered the smiles.

  "It's daytime, isn't it?" he said to Julie. She was sitting in the easy chair, facing him, but she seemed to be concentrating on the front door. Alex turned around to see what might be interesting there, but it looked the same as always.

  "Yeah," Julie said. "It's daytime."

  "I remember drinking some water," Alex said. "How long ago was that?"

  "Maybe three hours ago," Julie said. "Do you want some aspirin?"

  Alex shook his head, and found he got dizzy doing so. "Not just yet," he said. "I hope you and Bri don't get sick. Is there much aspirin left?"

  "Enough," Julie said. "And we're not going to get sick. We would have by now if we were going to."

  "Why are you so interested in the door?" Alex asked. "Are you expecting company?"

  "No, of course not," Julie said. "I'm just tired of looking at you."

  "I don't blame you," Alex said. "Is Bri sleeping?"

  Julie turned away from the door. "Bri isn't here," she said.

  "What do you mean she isn't here?" Alex asked. "Where is she?"

  "I don't know," Julie said.

  Alex struggled to free his arms from the wet and smelly sleeping bag. "Where do you think she is?" he asked.

  "I don't know," Julie said. "Look, I'm sure she's okay. Why don't you go back to sleep. Maybe she'll be back when you wake up."

  "I'm not sleepy," Alex said. "Where the hell is Bri?"

  "I told you, I don't know," Julie said. "Yesterday, when there was electricity, she decided to go to St. Margaret's. It was your birthday and she wanted to light a candle and thank the Holy Virgin for saving your life. I told her not to. I really did, Alex. I told her the Holy Virgin knew how grateful we were, she didn't have to go to church to tell her. But Bri said it was a miracle that you got well and besides it was your birthday and Mami always lights candles on our birthdays."

  "You idiot," Alex said. "Why didn't you stop her?"

  "Because I couldn't!" Julie cried. "Bri's just like Papi. When she gets an idea, she can't be talked out of it. I told her I'd go and she should stay here, but she said she wanted to make confession so she could take communion on Christmas. And she looked so much better. You have no idea how much she did while you were sick. I thought maybe the Holy Mother had made a second miracle and healed Bri. And the electricity was running. All she had to do was go to church and then take the elevator back up."

  "Why didn't you go with her?" Alex demanded. "You could have watched out for her."

  "I watched out for you instead," Julie said.

  Alex fumbled around trying to find the sleeping bag zipper. "How long has she been gone?" he asked. "What time is it?"

  "It's about one," Julie said. "She's been gone almost twenty- four hours."

  "Oh my God," Alex said. "She could be anywhere. Have you even looked for her?"

  "I couldn't leave you," Julie said.

  "Well, you can now," Alex said. "Take the candle and check the stairwell. Maybe Bri got home last night after the electricity went off and spent the night in the stairwell."

  "Will you be okay alone?" Julie asked.

  "I'm fine," Alex snapped. "Find Bri."

  Julie nodded. She grabbed the candle and left the apartment.

  Alex managed to free himself from the
sleeping bag. He stripped, then put on clean clothes. He still stank, but that didn't matter.

  He walked to the kitchen and washed his face with cold water. His entire body shook as he found the aspirin bottle and swallowed two more. He wasn't at all sure he could make it back to the living room, but he knew he had to. Each step felt like he was climbing Everest, and by the time he fell back onto the sofa, his heart was pounding.

  I haven't eaten in days, he reminded himself. The problem was he didn't think he could make it back to the kitchen to get himself something to eat. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to stand up again.

  Something made him get on all fours and crawl to the girls' bedroom. He couldn't imagine either Bri or Julie playing such a horrific practical joke on him, but he had to be sure Bri truly was gone.

  The bedroom was empty.

  "Bri?" he called. Maybe she was hiding in the closet. But there was no answer.

  Alex tried to crawl back to the living room, but it was miles away. He remembered something about smiling faces before he passed out on the bedroom floor.

  Saturday, December 24

  "Alex! Don't hog the bathroom."

  Alex woke up with a start. But it wasn't really Bri's voice. For a moment he couldn't remember where he was. Then he saw Julie sleeping in the easy chair in the living room and it came back to him. Apartment 12B. Mami and Papi had been gone for seven months, Bri for two days.

  He looked at his little sister and tried to allocate blame so it all fell on her, but he couldn't. He'd spent seven months unable to talk Bri out of her obsession that Mami and Papi would be coming home any minute now. How could he expect Julie to keep Bri from going to St. Margaret's if she had her mind set on it?

  Julie had found him on the bedroom floor. Somehow she'd gotten some food into him, and with her help, he'd been able to make it back onto the sofa. He'd wanted to go out and look for Bri, but he couldn't walk ten feet without collapsing. And the last thing Julie needed was for him to wind up in the fourth floor stairwell, unable to climb another step.

  Still, he felt better today, better than he could remember feeling in days. He rose carefully and was pleased to find his head wasn't spinning. The kitchen didn't seem a million miles away, and he made it there without incident. He drank some water, swallowed a couple of aspirin for no particular reason, and opened one of the cans of red beans. Judging from the amount of food still remaining, Bri and Julie hadn't eaten much more than he had the past week.

  Bri had been gone for two days and what had he done besides sleep? Had he even prayed for her safe return? He couldn't remember.

  "Heavenly Father, look after her," he whispered. It was the one prayer he could think of that God might accept from him.

  He walked back to the sofa and tried to think. Bri had gone to St. Margaret's two days ago. The only thing he knew was Julie hadn't found her in the stairwell. He rubbed his forehead. If she wasn't in the stairwell, where was she?

  At St. Margaret's, maybe? Suppose she got there and stayed so long that it was dark when she was ready to leave and Father Franco told her to spend the night there. Alex liked that idea, although he couldn't understand why Father Franco hadn't sent her home the next day.

  Except there was no electricity the next day. Maybe Father Franco told her to stay at the church until she could take the elevator up to 12B. Bri could be alive and well, better off there than at home, since the church still had some heat, or at least it had the last time Alex had been there, before the snowstorm. If Father Franco had any food, he'd share it with Bri. And Bri had her inhaler with her, so really she would be just as well off at St. Margaret's as she would be at home.

  It would be easy enough to find out if Bri was at St. Margaret's. All he had to do was walk over there. Think of Julie's reaction when he and Bri walked back into 12B together. What a Christmas present that would be.

  Alex decided to practice walking. He strolled from the sofa to the girls' bedroom, then back again to the kitchen. He ate two more spoonfuls of frozen red beans, then walked back to the bedroom. No dizziness. Sure he was a bit weak, but that was to be expected. But there was no hurry. If Bri was at St. Margaret's she was being taken care of. She'd be worried, though, worried about him and about Julie. Better he should get going.

  "Alex?"

  "Go back to sleep," Alex said. "I'm fine. I'm just going out for a walk."

  Julie sat bolt upright. "What are you talking about?" she said. "You can't go for a walk."

  "Just to St. Margaret's," Alex said. "I think Bri might be there."

  "She isn't," Julie said. "Yesterday, after I checked the stairwell, I walked over and asked. Father Franco saw her on Thursday, but she left the church. He said he figured she'd be okay since the electricity was still running."

  Alex collapsed back onto the sofa. "Why didn't you tell me?" he demanded, as though Bri's fate would be different if Julie had only had the good sense to tell him.

  "Because you were sprawled out on the floor when I got back," Julie said.

  "I'm not sprawled out now," Alex said. "Bri might be wandering around the streets. We need to look for her."

  "Alex," Julie said.

  "What?" he said.

  Julie looked miserable. "If some guy grabbed her," she said. "Like that guy, you know ... Well, Bri couldn't fight back. I know she felt a lot stronger because she'd helped you so much, but I couldn't even get away from that guy. Bri's hardly eaten in days and it's so hard for her to breathe. I don't think she's wandering around the streets."

  "We won't know until we look," Alex said. "If you don't want to go, I'll go by myself."

  "Can you make it back up the stairs?" Julie asked.

  "I'll make it," Alex said angrily. "Are you coming with me or not?"

  "Of course I'm coming," she said.

  The two of them left 12B and began the long walk to the lobby. Alex was startled at how much energy it took simply to walk down a flight of stairs. Julie's question about his ability to walk back up seemed more and more reasonable. But he'd worry about that when the time came.

  It had been over a week since he'd been outside. Everything was the same, except the snow was now charcoal gray. The cold cut into his lungs, and he began coughing.

  "This is such a mistake," Julie said.

  "I need to look," Alex said. "I can't just let her disappear."

  "Don't you think I feel the same way?" Julie cried. "But what if you get sick again? What will I do then?"

  Alex ignored her. He took two steps onto the sidewalk and asked himself what the hell he thought he was doing.

  "Wait," Julie said. "I have an idea."

  "Yeah, what?" Alex asked.

  "Let's get the sled," Julie said. "You can sit on it and I can pull you around."

  "Are you strong enough?" Alex asked.

  "I'd better be," Julie said. "You aren't going anyplace on your own. The sled's in our old apartment, isn't it? You didn't barter it with Harvey?"

  "No," Alex said. "It's there." He stood absolutely still, and then his eyes lit up. "Bri!" he said. "I bet she's in the basement. She came home after church on Thursday and the electricity was off so she decided to stay there. Come on. I bet she's been waiting for us to rescue her for two days now."

  "You really think so?" Julie asked, but she raced back into the lobby. Alex could barely keep up with her, but adrenalin pumped him up and he walked down the single flight of stairs almost as fast as his little sister.

  "Bri?" Julie cried. "Bri, are you in there?"

  There was no answer.

  "Wait a second," Alex said, searching for the key to their old home. With fumbling fingers he got it into the lock and pushed the door open. "Bri? Bri, are you all right?"

  Julie ran through the apartment, yelling for her sister. "She isn't here," she said.

  "Maybe Papi's office," Alex said. "Maybe she went there."

  They walked down the hallway to Papi's office. Alex put the key in the door, but when he opened it, he saw the room was em
pty.

  "Get the sled," he said to Julie. "We'll check the streets."

  Julie did as she was told. She brought out the sled and carried it up the stairs. Once they were outside, Alex got on it and let her pull him around. He instructed her to stop at every pile of bodies, but there were no new ones. If people were still dying in their neighborhood, they were doing it alone in their apartments.

  They went to St. Margaret's, just to check again, but Father Franco said he hadn't seen Bri since Thursday. "I'll keep praying for her," he said, so Alex thanked him and said if he heard anything, they were in 12B and they'd be very grateful if he got the news to them.

  He and Julie circled West Eighty-eighth, going as far north as Ninety-second and as far south as Eighty-second. Some of the distance he walked, and some he rode on the sled. They called Bri's name wherever they walked, but there was no sound in return except that of the wind howling and the rats scurrying.

  She was gone. Like Mami and Papi, she had just disappeared.

  Sunday, December 25

  He woke up with a fever. Julie refused to let him out, not to look for Bri, not even to go to church. Alex felt too weak to argue.

  "Do you want to go to Mass?" he asked, in spite of his terror that Julie might vanish on the streets as Bri had.

  Julie shook her head. "There'll be other Christmases," she said.

  They both knew that was unlikely. Neither said so. Instead they sat still, looking at the door, praying for a miracle.

  Monday, December 26

  Julie had fallen asleep in the chair. Alex got up and lit a candle so he could look at his watch. It was almost 8:30 in the morning.

  He walked over to Julie and shook her awake. "Get up," he said. "Now."

  Julie stared at him. "Is it Bri?" she asked. "Do you know where she is?"

  "No," Alex said. "But it's the twenty-sixth. You have to get to Port Authority for the convoy."

  "You woke me up for that?" Julie asked. "We don't even know if there is a convoy. And what about Bri?"

  "I'll stay here and look for her," Alex said. "But at least you'll be safe."