A Question of Us

by Mary Jayne Baker

  So why did she feel that strange, unsettled wrench in her belly? It felt like she’d been kicked. Hard.

  *

  ‘I had fun tonight,’ Darren said softly as they waited for their taxis outside the restaurant at the end of the evening. ‘Thanks for agreeing to go out with me, Clarrie.’

  ‘Thanks for asking me. I had fun too.’

  ‘I’m glad.’

  He started moving closer, a look in his eye that screamed an imminent kiss. Clarrie’s stomach jerked uncomfortably and she shuffled back against the wall.

  She turned her head to one side, pretending to look out over the street, and noticed a white cab pulling up. Darren’s taxi. She sent mental waves of goodwill to the driver for his impeccable timing.

  ‘Your cab’s here.’

  ‘Oh. Right.’ Darren drew back as the taxi pulled in. ‘You sure you’re okay if I leave you? We could always share.’

  ‘Don’t be daft, my place is in the opposite direction. I’ll be fine, honestly.’

  ‘So can we do this again?’ Darren asked. ‘I’d like to. I mean, if you would.’

  ‘I… I’ll think about it. See you at the final, Daz.’

  ‘Okay. Make sure you tell Dave and Sonny to prepare to get their backsides kicked.’ He gave her a peck on the cheek and headed to the waiting taxi.

  ‘Hey,’ he said as he opened the car door, nodding to the empty back seat. ‘Don’t suppose you want to…?’

  Aha, the come-back-to-mine invitation. She’d been waiting for that.

  ‘See you at the final, Daz,’ she said again, smiling.

  He shrugged. ‘Worth a shot, eh? See you, Clarrie. Thanks again for tonight.’

  The car door shut behind him and the cab pulled off.

  As soon as it had gone, Clarrie burst into tears.

  What the hell was wrong with her? Another nice guy, about to bite the relationship-poisoning dust she liked to call Clarrie’s Weirdo Issues.

  She wasn’t going to see him again. I mean, okay, he was sweet, funny, handsome, but… he wasn’t right, that’s all. She didn’t like his… his… hair. It was too long. And he smelt wrong as well. Too… scrubbed. Too expensive.

  She hadn’t wanted to admit to Darren she was too broke to afford a taxi back, but now he was gone it was lift-cadging time. She wondered if it was a bit late to ring her mum. Or there was Sonny, but at this time he’d probably be round at Gem’s with his pants off.

  God, she was pathetic. Obviously she knew who she was going to ring. She owed him an apology for what’d happened at the last quiz, for one thing. And…okay, she wanted to know how his date had gone.

  Yanking out her phone, she pulled up Si’s number, wondering if he was still out with Sam.

  Her stomach lurched when a thought occurred to her. Would he already have taken his date home? It wasn’t late, but – well, Sam did seem to be in that sizeable portion of women who found Si impossible to resist.

  She felt a stab of relief when he answered.

  ‘Hiya, Clarrie.’ He didn’t sound annoyed at her any more, thank God. He sounded thoughtful though. Quiet.

  ‘Si, I’m so sorry about the other night. It was well out of order, going off on one like that.’

  She could almost hear him grin. ‘You’re after a lift, aren’t you?’

  ‘How’d you know?’

  He laughed. ‘Just a guess. So how was the date?’

  ‘How was yours?’

  ‘I didn’t go in the end, rang her to cancel. Didn’t fancy it somehow.’

  Clarrie almost sighed with relief, then mentally slapped herself for feeling so relieved. Hadn’t she just been out with another bloke? Selfish cow.

  ‘Are you okay to drive then?’ she asked.

  ‘Yeah. I had a feeling you might call.’ He paused to listen. ‘You crying, Clar?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Yes you are. What’s up, did something happen?’

  ‘Just… nothing. Can you come get me, Si? I want a hug.’

  ‘I’ll be there in ten.’

  *

  It was actually just under eight minutes later when Si’s Clio pulled up in front of the restaurant. Not that Clarrie was counting. As soon as he got out, she flung herself into his arms and inhaled his perfect scent. He folded himself round her, gathering her to him.

  ‘Hey,’ he whispered, kissing the top of her head. ‘What’s up, Clar, what happened?’

  She sobbed against his chest. ‘Nothing… nothing happened. I’m just being silly, that’s all. Dave was right, I am pathetic.’

  ‘No you’re not. Now tell me what’s wrong. Did Darren upset you?’

  ‘No, he was nice.’ She let out a weak laugh. ‘Don’t thump him, for God’s sake. You already ruined my chances with him in Year Twelve with your bloody Hulk hands.’

  ‘What is it then?’

  ‘Kiss my hair again.’

  ‘Okay.’ He pressed his lips to her crown, letting them rest there, and she sighed.

  ‘Come on, drive me home. I’ll tell you what’s wrong on the way. If I can work out what it is.’

  In the car, Clarrie stared at the unfamiliar streets flashing past the window.

  ‘This isn’t the way, Si.’

  ‘No. You’re not going home yet.’

  ‘Where am I going then?’

  ‘Somewhere we can talk. Somewhere to stop you crying.’

  Soot-blackened terraces pressed in on either side, the car climbing higher and higher until they reached open countryside. Eventually Si pulled into an isolated layby at the top of a steep moorland road, with a view right across the Dales’ broad acres.

  ‘There. Bet you can’t look at that and cry.’

  Clarrie’s awestruck gaze ran over the valley’s dusted clusters of light, a mini galaxy in glowing orange and white. Each little group was a community: hundreds, maybe thousands of people.

  Thinking about it made her feel insignificant, overwhelmed – but sort of free too. There was something liberating in knowing you didn’t matter; that you were just one of millions of little lives living and loving and dying all over the place.

  ‘It’s beautiful,’ she whispered.

  ‘Yeah.’ Simon’s eyes twinkled a reflection, a little smile on his lips. Without tearing his eyes away, he reached for her hand. ‘Best night view in Yorkshire.’ He laughed. ‘And also a popular dogging spot, so I’d suggest we stay in the car.’

  ‘Right. Never tell me how you found it.’

  ‘Hey, I just stumbled onto it, okay? Me and the boys were out walking.’

  ‘Likely story. Where was I then?’

  He shrugged. ‘Some boyfriend or other, probably. That was usually why you weren’t around.’ He dragged his gaze from the view to look at her. ‘So are you going to tell me why you’re upset?’

  ‘If you hug me again.’

  ‘Okay.’ He shuffled round and wrapped his arms around her. ‘But no dogging, all right?’

  ‘Deal.’ She sighed, nestling against him as best she could over the gearstick. ‘To be honest, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I had a really nice time with Darren. I always did like him, he’s a good laugh.’

  ‘Don’t let Sonny and Dave hear you say that.’

  ‘Oh, they love him really. No, it wasn’t him. It was – well, as usual it was me. But it was different this time. He didn’t do anything wrong. He just… I felt like I was…’

  ‘What? Can’t you tell me?’

  ‘I don’t know how to say it, that’s all.’

  ‘Try.’

  ‘He wasn’t… wasn’t you, Simon. I kept thinking about you. It felt like I was – like I was doing something really wrong. Betraying you.’

  ‘Clarrie, really?’

  ‘Yes,’ she whispered. ‘I’m a mess, aren’t I? Should’ve listened to Gem and called it off.’ She buried her face in his neck and let out another muffled sob.

  ‘You’re not a mess. You’re just how you’re supposed to be.’ He lifted her head from his shoulder so
he could look into the tear-reddened eyes. ‘Why do you think I cancelled my date?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Yes you do. I felt like that too,’ he said. ‘Anyway, I only agreed to go out with Sam to make you jealous. It didn’t seem very fair on her.’

  Clarrie cringed when she thought back to her own behaviour at the last quiz.

  ‘Si, I’m so sorry about that night in the pub, having a go at you like that and storming off. I should never have gone out with Daz just to get back at you. It was childish.’

  ‘No, I should apologise. You’re right, I shouldn’t tease you. Suppose I was just starting to panic – you know, about winning the bet. Scared I might lose my chance.’

  Forgiveness was unspoken but it was there all the same. She rested her head on his shoulder and looked out over the tiny lights in crisscross lines of luminous filigree, earthbound constellations.

  ‘Hey, remember when we were kids I was going to build that rocket for us?’ she said in an awed half whisper. ‘I thought we’d see the whole world from up there. This is just how I imagined it.’

  ‘I remember,’ he said, twisting tender fingers through her hair. ‘You promised I could fly it. Always fancied myself as Han Solo.’

  ‘You just always fancied yourself,’ she said, smiling. ‘So do I get to be your Leia?’

  ‘You can be my Chewy.’

  She laughed. ‘I bet you say that to all the girls.’

  ‘Only the hairy ones.’

  ‘Funny boy.’ She dragged a fingertip along the bridge of his nose and he wrinkled it attractively.

  ‘That tickles, Clar.’

  ‘Come back to mine, Si,’ she said softly.

  ‘Are you going to ask me out first?’

  ‘No games, please. No anyone asking anyone out. I want to be with you, okay? I want to make love to you and I want to pretend tomorrow won’t happen. Just me and you, just tonight, shutting out the world.’ She sought his eyes. ‘I don’t want to think about anything, and I don’t want to be alone, and I don’t want to be with anyone who isn’t you. I couldn’t. Will you, Simon?’

  The long sigh that whispered through her hair sounded like surrender.

  ‘Yes, Clarrie.’

  ‘Are you sure? If you don’t want to I’ll understand.’

  ‘You know I do. I can’t say no to you again, I’m too far past teasing now.’

  ‘And what happens tomorrow?’

  ‘Never mind that, eh? Let’s just have tonight, and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.’

  With a last wistful look at the pinpoint lights of civilisation scattered over the billowing hills, each telling of a little person with their own beginning-to-end story, Si started the engine and pointed his car towards The Bookshelf.

  27

  ‘This is your room?’ Si glanced around Clarrie’s bedroom, dimly lit by a batik standard lamp.

  ‘Yep. What do you think?’

  ‘I think you’re a slob.’

  ‘You knew that already.’ Clarrie brushed some crumpled clothes, a hairdryer and other clutter off the unmade bed. Taking Si’s hand, she guided him into a sitting position on the edge of the mattress.

  ‘Right, come here, you.’ He pulled her down so she was straddling him. ‘Oh Clar, I’ve wanted this for ages.’

  He buried his fingers in her hair, pressed his lips to hers and slid his tongue into her mouth. It felt so right, every time, that joining together: she could never get tired of it.

  He moved his mouth to her neck and began planting heavy, hot kisses behind her ear, paddling his fingers over the downy hairs at the nape. She felt her body coming to life for him, those fluttering nerves and muscles he always managed to awake with ease.

  ‘Remember when you used to sit in front of me in GCSE Biology?’ Si muttered against her skin.

  ‘If you’re asking whether I kept the textbook so you can check where everything is, the answer’s no.’

  ‘That’s okay. I think I can find my way around.’ He slid one hand up her top, beneath the underwiring in her bra, and ran his thumb tip over a pearly nipple. ‘I was going to say I could see right through your blouse. Whenever you took your blazer off, I used to stare at your bra catch and daydream about what you’d look like with it off. Pretty educational.’

  ‘Why, what did you learn?’

  ‘This.’ Si brought his hand round to her back and tweaked her bra open in one movement of his thumb and index finger. He slid her top over her body and flung it to one side, then sent the unhooked bra to join it.

  ‘God, that was sexy.’

  ‘Yeah, it took a lot of practice to get that sexy, love.’

  He nuzzled into her sunburned shoulders, licking along the cluster of freckles that nestled there like an erotic dot-to-dot. She bit her lip to suppress a moan.

  ‘Why’re you doing that?’ he said, glancing up at her.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Biting your lip. You don’t have to be quiet. Not shy with me, are you?’

  She freed her lip and let the moan escape. ‘No. No, never with you. Keep going, Si.’

  ‘Oh God, I love the noises you make when I’m turning you on. Make some more.’ She moaned obligingly as he flicked his tongue into the hollow of her throat.

  She flexed her body back, leaning against his palms. Sensing her invitation, he brought his mouth down to suck at her nipple.

  His hands slid along the ridges of her spine and into her jeans, inside her knickers. He ran them over the curve of her buttocks, letting out a rough, low groan as he pushed her hips hard against his.

  ‘Why did you keep this back from me for so long?’ he murmured.

  ‘You didn’t want it.’

  ‘Are you kidding? I’ve been fantasising about this since we were kids.’ His breathless voice was muffled by her breasts. ‘The first time I thought about girls that way, the first time I knew what it meant to be aroused, it was for you, Clarrie.’

  ‘Si,’ she whispered. ‘You never told me.’

  ‘I’m telling you now.’ He traced the shape of her nipple with the tip of his tongue and she tossed her head back in appreciation. ‘Didn’t you ever fantasise about me?’

  ‘Yes… yes, I used to… ah!’

  Her speech broke into a gasp when he undid the button of her jeans and slipped one hand into her knickers. His fingers slid against her, exploring her.

  He groaned, the sound sending rippling vibrations across her flesh. ‘Go on, tell me. I want to hear you talk while I touch you.’

  ‘I used to… dream about you, sometimes.’

  ‘Did you?’

  ‘Yes.’ The exploring fingers were getting faster, firmer, now. ‘In those shorts you wore for Games, when you came off the field all… muddy and sweaty and… and… panting… Simon, please!’ Her breathing had quickened into a ragged pant. ‘You need to stop.’

  She grabbed his wrist and pulled his hand away.

  ‘What’s up? Don’t you want to?’

  ‘Later. I want to make this last, okay?’ she said, still panting heavily.

  She pushed him down onto the bed. Si rolled her over so she was lying on her back, covering her body with his.

  His kisses became feverish, all over her bare upper body, his hands exploring the tempting ins and outs of her torso. She tangled her legs around him, pressing him closer.

  He let out a muffled moan against her tummy. ‘You sexy, sexy girl. I love you, do you know that? So bloody much.’

  ‘Jesus, that feels… I love you too, Si.’

  ‘You know I’ve never said that to anyone but you?’

  She curved her back to tilt her body closer to his mouth. ‘In bed?’

  ‘Anywhere. It’s just for you, Clarrie. You’re beautiful—’ he left a soft kiss between her breasts, ‘and you’re perfect—’ he planted another over one nipple, taking it between his lips and sucking gently, ‘and I love you. There.’

  ‘Oh God, Si, oh my… ah!’ Suddenly and without warning she felt the treachero
us muscles between her thighs spasm. A tight, pulsing shiver slammed along her as he gifted her the words, burrowing into all the corners of her body.

  She gripped him hard with her legs, crushed him, held him there; throbbed out her climax against his warm bulk until her senses came back and she melted against the mattress.

  He stopped kissing her chest and slid up to look into her face.

  ‘Bloody hell, was that what I think it was?’

  ‘Yes,’ she panted. ‘Oh yes.’

  ‘What, because I said I loved you?’

  ‘Yes… Jesus, Simon, what’re you trying to do to me?’

  ‘Oh my God, really?’ He laughed. ‘Wow. That might be the single hottest thing that’s ever happened to me.’

  ‘All right, don’t get cocky,’ she gasped through the dying tremors.

  ‘I can’t make any promises.’

  He shuffled down to unzip her jeans and helped her out of them. Her knickers followed and she lay on the bed, completely naked.

  ‘Are you planning to get my clothes off any time or what?’ he asked. ‘Since I seem to be doing all the work here.’

  ‘In a minute. Stop a sec.’

  ‘Why, what’s wrong?’

  She looked up at his wide, long-lashed eyes, glazed with passion; his wet, parted, panting lips. God, he looked amazing when he was horny…

  ‘I want to say something,’ she said, struggling to catch her breath. ‘Something important.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Si, before we do this – look, don’t laugh at me, okay? I need to tell you… you’re the most important thing in the world to me. Jesus, that sounds soppy. But I mean it. You’re the one thing in my life that really makes me happy, keeps me sane. You always have been.’

  ‘Is that the orgasm talking?’

  ‘I’m serious. If you didn’t matter so much I’d go out with you in a heartbeat. I’m just so scared I’d ruin things, that I—’

  Si put a finger on her lips. ‘Nothing can ruin this, okay?’ he said gently. ‘Trust me, there’s nothing you could possibly do that could change how I feel about you. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you and I love them both.’

  ‘But what if I can’t give you—’