Love me, Loudly

by Jess Kolbe

  Maybe this is the first time I’ve been ready to meet this part of me. I feel I have this capacity to understand myself now. Sometimes, we are all mirrors being held up against each other, same, same but different story and then the world mirrors our internal selves. If you attune to someone, tap into their frequency, by simply paying attention and listening with your heart, then you are basically able to, if open and comfortable in your own skin, sync into their beat. This is like when we attempt to connect verbally, our bodies are also struggling to sync or tune in at the same time.

  A connection is beyond words, you will feel someone with your eyes, so tune in. The sole reason your first two years of life are non-verbal, it teaches us to emotionally sync. Your sync ability is always on and working on your own beat enables you to connect with others. Some people are Apple, and some are Android. You are not meant to synchronise with the entire world. Same, same, and different. I’m dedicated to learning this and I practice on me. After continually practicing, looking into my own darkness, and coming out the other side, it has developed. I’m attempting to have a relationship with myself, learn about me, learn how I ride the waves of life. I understand I am a student of life itself because every time I feel like I’m getting somewhere, bam, a wave. He is my rogue wave, a gift. I experienced him and every part of me was turned up, tuned in, the volume was maxed out, a love at first sight kind of experience.

  When I am emotionally invested, my own emotions are completely out of kilter and my beat becomes more of a thud than bounce. You could easily compare me to a swan most of the time. I glide gracefully around above the water and a random craziness occurs under the water, where all the shit goes down, I sink into the mess. We are all swans, all needing to survive. Sometimes we hide behind it. Sometimes we are aware of what we are doing and keeping our fears at bay while operating to ensure we don’t confront or overcome them, a wonderful survival strategy… Some fears are real, some monsters are real, full stop.

  For me, my fears spiralling about him are do I measure up, am I too broken, am I loveable, am I worthy to receive love? Loving myself, I know I must accept them as fears and move through the thoughts to become unstuck, because they are just thoughts, I give them power and I can take it away. Good fears have helped me survive and certain degrees of this is healthy, although my demons are cleverer and use them against me. I must overcome them by facing them within myself and building my courage. All of your painful monsters keep you on the sidelines of life! You’ve placed yourself on the bench of the game of life because you didn’t comprehend you are the actual coach of your life. The realisation of the power lying within me, is what changed the trajectory of my life.

  My brain has a patterned fear response, it will avoid pain and fear like the plague whereas your mind, AKA, the head coach, pushes you past those fears. I like to think as my mind and brain as two different parts of me. The coach is my mind, the part of me that believes in your abilities, the one who turns the light on in the dark, so to speak, who pushes you forward, this is the good commentary. The big moments in life where someone touches the corners of your soul, gently caressing you, kissing your most exposed raw, brightening the dimmest of corners of your mind. A place no-one has ever been before, not even you. He feels like home, a feeling I’ve not known, nor truly understood I was even missing. It’s a strange sensation for someone to grab you so intimately and yet not even a word spoken, nor a touch, his eyes on you exploring you again and again, as if each glance is the soft touch of his lips on my skin. I close my eyes, he’s there, standing opposite me, not touching me, yet I can feel the heat from his body rising my own temperature. I can feel the heat of his breath on my neck, pouring down my shoulders. I sense him reaching for me, and I yearn for his touch. I want to hold myself in his strength, holding his solid gaze, unwavering, while the tension rises, suspecting his own trepidation of the energy we created, frozen, savouring it. I now know that love is alive, it could exist for me. It’s what I’ve dreamt of, I have been claimed, by the possibilities of love.

  HIM | Four

  She took my breath away immediately. I knew it was her; no one else could shake my core like she did. It’s been months and those hips, swaying in front of me are instantly familiar. I recognise the curves of her and begin following her around the supermarket. I’m caught by her, wanting her, discovering her scent, experiencing her. Fuck, she’s a very sexy woman. The feeling hits the pit of my stomach with the weight of being out of my depth. Okay, I want this. I can’t let this opportunity pass me by. I’m going to get her number. She’s walking between aisles in a world of her own. I’m breathless at her natural beauty that makes me pause, amazing blue eyes, lightly tanned skin, and a smile, wow, one she freely shares with people she passes.

  I chuckle with the thought of her being a nice girl, someone Dad would have loved to see me with.

  Shit.

  I see her smile to herself and I feel the warmth of her coming towards me. I could watch her forever. I want to feel that smile for me, to experience her smiling at me like that. I just walk at her, kind of like a march, awkward as fuck. I physically cut her off amongst the pasta and without any real thought find myself scaring the shit out of her like a creep! I then reach out to touch her, like a creeper creep, what the actual fuck… I see her hand coming at me in slow motion. She went to grab my hand. I literally scared the shit out of the woman. My god. I want to steady her. I want to touch her. Pull back, be a man for fucks sake! Those eyes are on me, transfixed and I feel alive, she’s gorgeous.

  I blurt out my name and just like that, she tells me hers. Evie, Evie, Evie. I want to repeat her name, she is echoing around my brain. The supermarket and the world fall away and it’s just us. I’m fixated on her, soaking in the feel of her right next to me, the intensity pumping through me, our chemistry surging through my blank mind as this incredible woman blatantly looks me over. I’m intoxicated. I turn towards the products on the shelves to regain some composure. Words are escaping me. She smells so good, dripping in the sweetness of vanilla and coffee. I’m lost and she speaks, thankfully, as nothing was coming out of me. Spag bol, she announces. I can do this. We talk but I can’t look at her. I feel her looking at me. She is shaking, trembling as much as me, my hand automatically reaches out to steady her, she looks up to me, vulnerable and open, I want to hold her, to protect her, I say aloud from God knows where, “I have you.” I go for my phone and just hand it to her. Mustering up as much composure as I can, I encourage Evie to return to her shopping and I would call her later. She looks at me directly and pauses before patiently saying “please.” Definitely the sexiest thing a woman has ever said to me. I manage to stop at “I will” to prevent stupid from falling out of me. Walking away from her down the aisle, I feel her watching me. When I turn back to her, my suspicions are confirmed and immediately I feel exposed, like she’s measuring me up, each step amazing foreplay. I turn and confirm again that her eyes on me and that she looks to be certainly enjoying herself. The horny teenager in me is stupidly happy and I manage a corny move pretending my hand is a phone, with complete regret as soon as my hand signals her. I turn a red shade of embarrassment and yet, paused by that smile she gave me, she beamed at me, etching the image of her into me. Who meets like this? Does this even still happen, organically? This is what it feels like all the angst and anxiety, total excitement and excruciatingly frustrating at getting a number. Fuck, my brain is fried.

  Being hit by this amazing sexy woman, she feels different, I feel different, I want to know all of her. Who is this woman? She is utterly mesmerising. I leave the supermarket without any shopping. I’m too wired by the bolts of chemistry firing on all cylinders and it’s like the image of her eyes have burnt into me. I want to hold her. It feels right, maybe she can help bring some colour into this shamble of a world. The lump in my throat returns and I feel a pang of guilt. It’s only been 3 months since Dad died. Should you really be chasing a woman?

  Evie wouldn’t want to know me i
f she knew what I did.

  I start the car and drive around the corner to the beach. Calm your farm Sam. You just want to hold those hips, feel her sexiness, play in her garden, you can have fun. I immediately text her- great to see you again, coffee at the beach? Relaxed, informal, away from thousands of people, perfect. I hit send before I think too much about it. She replied straight away, and I’m relieved, okay, it is done until tomorrow.

  HER | Five

  I’m at the supermarket and starving, which is indeed a bad combination for me. I’m struggling to decide between curry or pasta, walking between this and that, slowly getting frustrated with myself. For a woman who’s fairly intelligent, dinner can be a difficult choice, grand ideas often turning into quickies. I stop and turn towards the rice, slightly choking on my thought, right there, blocking my way, is him! I’m talking aloud to myself like the local crazy lady, again. I’m stuck, someone has paused the world, frozen in slow motion, lost in his eyes, my body rushing to catch up, my brain completely gone. He feels so nice, I want to soak him in. I reach for him. My hand moves towards him at the same time as he was also reaching for me. We pause before touching, the reality of the moment dawning on me.

  I’m blank, completely blank.

  My inner voice is screaming at me to speak. We both say our names awkwardly at the same time: “Evie,” “Sam,” with a smile and giggle. I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, it’s like my insides are lighting up like a Christmas tree. Part of me wants to beg him to avert his eyes just for a second so I can catch myself. It’s like he hears me and looks towards the shelves.

  “Spaghetti bolognese” I blurt out. I’d eventually decided on dinner. I calm down a little and banter ensues about ingredients, whether to mushroom or not and how with age, next day leftovers create the best sauce. I attempt to sneak a look at him, wanting to dive into his arms, soaking him into my skin, feeling immersed in him. Internally I’m pleased with myself: words are coming out and I’m resembling a normal human, I think. A glimpse of him and immediately I find myself caught again in his eyes, my mind is racing with a million thoughts of nothing, as I’m flooded with every hormone my body can muster! I reach out and his hand steadies me. He says, “I have you!”

  There is so much going on and it’s difficult to focus on anything, except for this amazing warmth I feel from this man, steadying me now in this moment. My body is trembling all over.

  “Please give me your number, Evie.”

  Releasing this moment could be overwhelming for both of us, handing me his phone, I punch in my number and ring my phone, not quite believing my boldness while doing it.

  “I’ll let you complete your shopping and call you later.”

  I manage to say “Please.”

  He smiles, squeezes my hand and says, “I will.”

  And, like that, I watch him walk away. He’s got his strut on and he is magnificent. A man swagger, not fast, not slow. He’s well aware I am watching, completely awestruck. He reaches the end of the aisle, turns, confirming my eyes are what he felt on him. He puts his hand to his ear to gesture about calling and I giggle. I never giggle. He’s embarrassed at the instant awkwardness and as quickly as it all happened it’s over.

  He is gone. My breathing is slowly returning to me. I place my hand on my chest, on my skin, lovingly caring for my heart, allowing the excitement to rise and fall and my heart to return to a normal beat. I’m still standing in front of the rice, I’m not sure how long I’ve been standing there. Within another 30 seconds, I’m daydreaming about our wedding day, and him entering me for the first time, again and again, only to be flooded by visceral sensations of the feel of those arms around me. I have no idea how long I was standing there for with a giant smile on my face, remembering his smell, imprinting it on my brain. My god, he smelt amazing, a mixture of sweat, dirt, timber, and him, soaking me in his want. I’m trying to picture every part of him, his dark blonde hair, the boy next door looks mixed with hot farmer. His strong shoulders, striking blue eyes, healthy, hardworking type, natural strength and never been through a gym door look, with a feel of ‘I work with my body and will gladly work on yours.’ My desire is having a great time exploring the potentials of this man. The thoughts of him working on me does things to my lady parts. Those powder blue eyes are intense, and kind, fierce in desire. I could lose myself in them easily. I’m smiling at my own internal dialogue while thoroughly enjoying a rebuttal of “too late, you are already lost in the desire of him!” He has a welcoming smile, the kind that immediately makes you feel at ease, at him, my god, my body is screaming! I’m hot all over, my legs are aching, I’m yearning for him. My soul is fighting to be free of my thoughts, my body recognises love. My body the truest of truth tellers.

  I finish my shopping in a daze, an afterglow of the future glows that await me resting upon my face.

  I look for him as I’m walking around, I look in the eyes of everyone I pass. No, no, no, no he is gone. In my car, I hear my phone, it is him!

  ‘Evie, great to see you again, coffee at the beach in the morning, Shelly Beach? Sam.’

  I can hardly contain my excitement as I respond. ‘Sure, 8am at the Rocks café.’

  I lean back in my car seat and a scream falls out of me that scares the shit out of an old lady in the car next to me. I get out to check on her still unable to contain my happiness. I end up telling her all about Sam and what had happened. She grabs my hand looks me dead in the eye and says, “don’t hold back girl. Love, loudly!”

  I repeat back to her. “Love loudly.”

  She gives my hand a squeeze and off she goes on her merry way. I ponder - could it be this simple?

  That night was a sleepless one. Scared I would miss my alarm, bouncing between a dream-like state of all the things we will do, and my wakeful fears of fucking it up. I’m desperate to see what this feels like! I want to chase these feelings as I feel so alive and amped, caught in the excitement of what this man could be to me. Everything feels like the switch is ON, all my senses are ON, hence the restless sleep. I’m high on hormones and adrenaline. I wonder what he would feel like naked next to me? What I will wear? It’s only coffee, only coffee. It’s only coffee for fuck sake.

  At 1 am, I sit up and instigate a firm talking to myself with a warm milk, and funnily enough, it’s no different from what I had been trying to tell myself earlier. It is only coffee you nut job! I need to stop fantasising about him, but my internal thoughts are screaming at me ‘no you don’t!’ I’m in a fight with my own thinking, alternatively battling thoughts to run away, and soothing myself to accept the variety of emotions. Building up and over analysing these interactions are only going to continue making you the crazy arse chick, awake in the middle of the night, wired and desperate. My internal conversations slowly begin to subside to bring a slightly different perspective, one I can work with. I know. I won’t be able to hold back my crazy completely tomorrow. I will need physical space, as the closed in feel of the supermarket was too overwhelming. I want to be alone with him, to feel him, to look at him, to allow time to get used to our energy together. It is truly indescribable! Our chemistry is so strong.

  We should get takeaway coffees and find a private spot at the beach. I relax with this thought as it will mean I can just exist in his space and see what that feels like and we can evolve however we need to. I just want to look at him, to savour these moments of discovering him for the first time. I feel like I need an adjustment period to keep my crazy at bay. I mean, I couldn’t form words the last time I stood in front of him. I want to be true to myself and part of that is my desire and I will not hide, perhaps I should curb it slightly, not hide. There is a fire ball of attraction between us and I hope there is more, the prospect of something special, equally frightening. I’m so caught up, faaaark. These feelings are new, and I want to allow them in, to experience them in a good way, even though they are equally terrifying and exhilarating. I want to embrace the chemistry of us, our desire. I feel it flowing out of him and
onto me and I’m going to stand in the beauty that is the female desire and follow my souls lead.

  I wake startled by my alarm screaming at me. I speak aloud, “soul lead, trust yourself.” Let my soul lead via my body. I laugh a little at how crazy I am, here’s classic crazy woman phenomena occurring!

  And it feels fantastic.

  The romantic in me reassures, ‘if it is meant to be, it will be.’ I need to trust people are put in my way for a reason. I look at my body in the mirror. I want to feel his hands on me, the sensation of his entire body, washed over me, stretched out touching my everything, holding the centre of my womanly gifts. These thoughts make me feel sexy, different. I feel wanted. I’m surrendering to these feelings while imagining his hands tip toeing across my neck, tracing my bends and folds, shoulders, my back, the feel of his manhood. I ease the tension by making love with myself. I’m lost for a moment and relieved that the edge has been taken off, all the while knowing my daydreams are nothing in comparison to him and our potential.

  Driving to the Rock’s cafe, I’m okay. Kind of calm, singing along to whatever song is on the radio. I find a park easily enough, jump out and there he is out the front, those eyes on me. I smile nervously and walk over, feeling my legs shaking with every step towards him, my thighs quivering and oh my god, Evie, get a hold of yourself. My internal self begins screaming. I take a deep breath, allowing the waves of excitement and nerves to pulse out through my body, sensing the anticipation of his closeness. I stop resisting, allowing my body to feel encouraged to embrace these sensations. Permission to feel. My own desire finds expression in my lady parts, my body is calling to him and I’m allowing myself to do so. I try to feel into my heightened senses calling to him. I take another deep breath and allow my body to feel encouraged, to embrace these sensations rising within me, to go with the waves. I need to trust my heart and body as they are both screaming loudly for me to chase these feelings and see where they could take us, to roll with the waves, the rising sensations in acceptance.