Loving Dallas

by Caisey Quinn

  I don’t know if I could live with myself if Robyn hated me. And I know I definitely couldn’t live with myself if I let her go home alone looking the way she did. I’m almost positive the anger was the only thing holding her upright. The protective instincts I’ve honed from years of being an older brother kick in and I press on through the partygoers.

  If I could go back in time and stand up so that Carly or Callie or whatever the hell her name was wouldn’t have sat on my lap, I would do whatever it took to get there. The last thing I ever wanted was to be the reason for that wounded look in Robyn’s eyes. She can put on her angry face all she wants; that was pure unadulterated pain I saw while she yelled at me.

  Once I’m outside where people are getting in and out of cars, I look around but Robyn is nowhere to be seen. Someone obviously had too many of the Midnight Bay blue shooters because I can hear them retching even over the music. When it continues to the point that I’m fearful for their life, I jog over to where the sound is coming from.

  “Oh, baby,” I say once I see who it is. Robyn is bent over yakking into the bushes. The force is jolting her body forward hard. I grab her hair with two hands and pull it out of the line of fire. Once I have it secured to the nape of her neck with one fist, I use the other hand to rub circles on her back. “You’re okay, sweet girl. Just get it all up. It’s okay. I’m here.”

  “I don’t want—” She surges forward again and heaves but I think she’s out of ammunition. “You here,” she finishes.

  “Well, tough shit, sweetheart. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Don’t want anyone,” she begins, pausing to stand and wipe her mouth, “to see me like this.” I release her hair and she glances around. Noticing her purse on the ground, I pick it up. At least it didn’t get puked on.

  “Come on. We’ll take one of the sober cars back to the hotel.”

  I wrap my arms around her and guide her to the nearest valet. Once they’ve located a car for us, Robyn slides in and I follow.

  The driver is a gray-haired man with a gray wool cap on. “Where to, kids?”

  “The nearest urgent care center or ER,” I answer.

  Robyn looks like I’ve slapped her. “No,” she practically shouts. “Just take us to the Hutton, please.”

  “Are you serious right now?” This girl. She’s practically turning green right in front of my eyes. “We need to get you checked out.”

  “The Hutton, please,” she tells the driver while ignoring me. “I swear I’m fine.”

  “You say that, but you don’t look fine,” I tell her. “And if you think I’m just going to dump you off in your room, you’re crazy.”

  The driver ends up taking us to the hotel, where I take Robyn to my room so she doesn’t keep Katie up all night.

  After a pack of saltine crackers and two Gatorades, she takes a shower and comes out looking like a new person.

  “I’m telling you, it’s just a stomach bug. It’s on its way out.” Robyn promises me she’s on the mend and that if she gets sick again like that she’ll make an appointment with her doctor.

  She’s nearly asleep in my bed when she blinks her sleepy eyes up at me and says, “I’m sorry you had to leave your party. And that I didn’t tell you about my mom.”

  “I don’t care about parties, Robyn. But can you just tell me why? Why you didn’t tell me about your mom that summer? I could’ve—”

  “You could’ve canceled the shows you were so excited about. You would have.” Robyn sighs against my chest before raising her eyes to mine. “Your grandma had just passed and you’d already put everything on hold once. I didn’t want to be the reason you sidelined your dream again.”

  “So you didn’t actually want to break up, you just couldn’t go on the road and you didn’t want me to stay?”

  “I wanted you to stay,” she says quietly. “I just didn’t want to want that. It was selfish and unfair. And I wanted you to have your shot at your dream more than I wanted to have you hold my hand in a waiting room all summer.”

  My whole life I’ve put everyone else first. My sister. My grandparents. Gavin. I’d never realized someone had been putting my dreams before their own needs.

  I can’t explain how her confession makes me feel right now so I don’t try.

  I lean down and kiss her on the forehead. “Get some rest, pretty girl. We can talk about this later.”

  She surprises me by grabbing my shirt. “Spoon me for a while? Until I fall asleep? Pretty please?”

  “I never could turn down ‘pretty please.’ ”

  She rolls over, curving into me with her backside, and I drape my arm over her body.

  More of my granddad’s wisdom comes to mind. “A woman’s like a guitar, son. It’s all in how you hold her.” After that he’d added, “Get comfortable with her but never take her for granted, appreciate every single inch and curve. The imperfections are what make her unique, what make her yours.”

  “Please don’t hate me, Dallas,” she whispers. “I couldn’t stand it if you hated me.”

  “I could never hate you, Robyn. Go to sleep, sweetheart.”

  Jesus. I was mad as hell that she didn’t tell me about Belinda, but I didn’t say anything about hating her. Watching her drift off to sleep so peacefully after her night full of outbursts and erratic behavior makes me wonder if she’s a pod person or secretly has an evil twin.

  But it was a sexy jealous evil twin and when she dozes off in my arms, I stay awake watching her to make sure the vomiting really has passed. By daybreak I’ve decided to keep her, evil twin and all.

  Robyn is still recovering from food poisoning or whatever the hell she had so she isn’t coming to the show in Nashville tonight. She texts me a “have a great show” message but when I respond by asking if I can come by her room and check on her after, she doesn’t answer.

  Mandy told me to meet her on Wade’s bus before the show at the Woods Amphitheater at Fontanel. After making sure that Katie was in their room to keep an eye on Robyn, I left the hotel and joined far more folks than I expected on Wade’s fancy-ass bus.

  The built-in furniture is all black leather and sleek marble surfaces. There’s a flat screen against the wall that’s nearly as big as the bunk I sleep on in my bus.

  Wade sits leaned back in a booth across from his manager and a few guys from his band. Mandy, Ty, and Lex are here as well.

  Barry Borscetti’s face is on the computer in front of them and he’s talking when I walk in.

  “He’s here,” Wade’s manager, a husky guy named Rick, says when Mandy and I make our way over. “We’re good to go.”

  “What’s going on?” I look to Mandy for an answer and she grins like someone with a secret.

  “Dallas, we’re glad you’re here,” Barry says, drawing my attention from my manager. “Your agent has been filled in so the paperwork is already being processed.”

  I feel like I’m missing the punch line to an inside joke. “Okay. Someone want to fill me in now?”

  “It’s about the tour,” Barry says. “Jase has signed on for an international leg of the Kickin’ Up Crazy tour and we couldn’t be more excited. With the success of ‘Better to Burn’ and the enthusiasm for your upcoming album, we’ve decided to include you as well. Congratulations. This is going to be an amazing opportunity for both of you.”

  “The exposure alone is going to skyrocket your career, Dallas,” Mandy whispers from beside me, wrapping her arm around mine and holding on tightly.

  “Mexico is confirmed for three dates. Five shows in Canada,” Barry is saying as I tune back in. “Two shows in Rio de Janeiro and two London venues have committed. There’s a foundation supporting a campaign called Bring Country Music to the UK that is ecstatic about having you boys over there. We’ll have two shows in the Philippines, which will provide some photo ops with service groups that you’ll be visiting while you’re there. We’re still working with Australian vendors and should hear back from Tokyo today.”
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  “Sounds great, Barry,” Wade says. He sounds as tired as I feel but we both know how huge this is. Not just for us, or for this tour, but for country music.

  Once upon a time, it was only in the southern United States, then it expanded to reach the rest of the country, and now it’s taking on the world. It’s surreal to be a part of that and I can’t even think straight as I imagine visiting those parts of the globe.

  “Have a great show tonight, fellas,” Barry says before signing off.

  “Well, this calls for another celebration,” Mandy announces. “I’ll have someone bring in some party favors for after the show tonight. We’ll see if Midnight Bay can help us out with that.

  The mention of Midnight Bay reminds me of Robyn. I hope like hell she’ll be joining us for this leg of the tour. The craziest part? I can’t even imagine it without her.

  31 | Robyn

  “MISS BREELAND?”

  I glance up from the magazine I’ve been perusing. I’ll have to finish the article on the benefits of breastfeeding some other time. Or maybe not. Maybe I’m some crazy exception to the chemistry of home pregnancy tests. That could happen.

  Suuure it could.

  Ignoring my subconscious as it openly mocks me, I smile at the petite blonde in pale pink scrubs as she holds the door open for me.

  “Right this way. You’re in here,” she says pointing to a door that’s ajar.

  I step into the room and try not to have a panic attack. “Thanks,” I mumble.

  She smiles again and I try to focus on her face. She’s giving me this sympathetic head-tilted, eye-creasing expression and I read more into it than I probably should. I’m not even wearing an engagement ring, but here I am. Hoping against hope that I’m not knocked up even though I suspect we both know that I am.

  “Just undress completely and put this gown on.” She leans down to retrieve a pale yellow paper gown that’s practically see-through and then hands it to me. “Have a seat on the table and the doctor will be right in.”

  I swallow and nod as she leaves me alone with my gown in hand. My tongue is thick and foreign in my mouth. Maybe I’m allergic to this place. Or this ridiculously thin gown. Why do they have to be so freaking thin? Couldn’t I open a flannel robe just as easily? Once you’re in the stirrups, it hardly matters.

  Oh God. The stirrups.

  I glance over and there they are, screwed to the end of the table like a medieval torture device. With all the advances in technology, surely there’s a better way.

  You can do this. It’s fine. You have a great job, fantastic medical benefits.

  I console myself with this information as I undress in what has now become a freezing cold meat locker instead of a warm and cozy doctor’s office.

  But what will Mr. Martin say about traveling? What if I can’t? What if I can’t find a nanny willing to travel with me?

  My breathing has accelerated to a dangerous level. I can see my chest heaving and I can’t remember if I was supposed to take off my bra. Surely I can leave on my bra.

  I’m leaving my bra on.

  It feels like a strange act of defiance but my breasts are sore and the idea of freeing them right now in this frigid room seems like cruel and unusual torture.

  In just my bra, I slip the gown on only to realize it ties in the back. And I can’t reach.

  That’s what husbands are for, Robyn. Duh.

  My subconscious is an asshole. And stuck in archaic gender and societal roles that I will not succumb to.

  I’ve thrown every excuse I have at Dallas. Telling him repeatedly that I think what I have is contagious so he won’t come by. He’s called to check on me half a dozen times and I just keep telling him I’m tired, which hasn’t been a complete lie. I blink back the tears and twist the stupid offensive ties together the best that I can.

  I can do this myself.

  My mind churns through the many changes I’ll have to make, checking off each one as totally doable. I can turn my small home office into a nursery. I can explain to Mr. Martin that I need maternity leave and to reduce travel for a while. I can put a crib together. How hard can it be? YouTube should tell me exactly how to do everything that I need to.

  Shouldn’t it?

  The magazine I was reading had articles on antibiotics, immunizations, vaccinations, breastfeeding, and several other topics that hadn’t yet occurred to me to worry about.

  Fuuuuck.

  But I can do this. I can. I will.

  I got this.

  “We got this,” I say while patting my still-flat belly.

  If there’s no one in there, well, I’ll laugh at my own ridiculousness and go celebrate with a drink. Or two.

  “Good morning, Miss Breeland. I’m Dr. Lassiter.” A gentle female voice accompanying a fair-skinned woman with shoulder-length auburn hair interrupts my mental breakdown. “How are you feeling today?”

  I suck in a deep breath and smile. “Great. I’m feeling great today, actually.”

  “Actually? Have you not been feeling well?”

  “Um, well . . .” Licking my lips, I say it out loud for the first time ever. “I’ve been feeling kind of sick, not in the mornings, though. Mostly around dinnertime. And I’m a few weeks late. I also haven’t had a Pap smear in, uh, a while. So I thought it would be a good idea to come in and—”

  “How many weeks?”

  “Ma’am?”

  “How many weeks late are you?” Dr. Lassiter looks down at the folder she’s holding. “Better yet, just tell me when your last menstrual cycle was.”

  I know the answer, but I pause like I have to do math in my head.

  “My last period ended September thirteenth,” I tell her on a sigh, because I know, I know that was two months ago and anyone who is two months late and thinks they might not be pregnant is half-crazy. Or completely delusional.

  Thankfully Dr. Lassiter doesn’t pin me with a judgmental frown. She just jots something down before meeting my apologetic gaze. “Taken any home tests?”

  “Three,” I answer honestly.

  “All the same result?”

  “One negative that I probably took too soon, one positive last week, and one that didn’t have a clear result.”

  “I see here that you’ve been on Loestrin for a while now. Have you taken it regularly and at the same time every day?”

  I take another deep breath. Maybe this will be good practice for explaining my situation to my mom.

  “I travel a lot for work from time to time. I have missed a few doses. I tried to double up to make up for a few missed pills but then I read online that it isn’t a good idea to do that.”

  She nods but her mouth turns down. “If you’d just missed one day, I’d say it would be okay. Missing multiple doses, however, not so much. Let’s go ahead and run some tests and see if we can figure out what’s going on with you. If it turns out that you aren’t pregnant, though I heavily suspect that you are, we’ll look at alternate forms of birth control. Ortho Evra, for instance, which comes in a patch you change weekly or possibly an implant that lasts even longer. I typically recommend those to women who travel or have unpredictable schedules.”

  “Okay,” I say meekly.

  “A nurse will be in to collect a urine sample and some blood shortly.”

  With that, she smiles at me once more and exits the room, slipping my chart casually into a plastic bin by the door as if she didn’t just deliver huge news with the subtly of a deathblow in a George R. R. Martin novel.

  If I ever own my own gynecological practice, which is unlikely, but still, if I do, I’m going to make sure that all rooms are stocked with cupcakes and expensive boxes of chocolates. Maybe a big screen connected to Netflix or with a Nicholas Sparks marathon constantly on repeat. Because this is seriously the most emotionally draining experience of my life.

  Time doesn’t actually move when you’re waiting on the results of an official pregnancy test. Or maybe it moves backward. Hell, I don’t know. But I have bee
n sitting on this table for what feels like forever after being poked, prodded, and forced to pee on command. My boobs hurt, my back aches, and the fluorescent lights overhead are giving me a migraine.

  “Miss Breeland?”

  I have never been so simultaneously thrilled and terrified at hearing my own name.

  “Yes,” I croak out because my voice is hoarse from disuse.

  “Results are in,” Dr. Lassiter says, waving my chart at me. “Congratulations. You’re going to be a mom.”

  This is the part where I’m supposed to panic. Or where I’m supposed to turn to my husband and cry while he showers me with kisses.

  I do neither. I take a deep breath. Right now, breathing is about all I can manage successfully.

  I’m pregnant. A human being is growing inside of me right this very second.

  I mean, I guess I already knew. But there is something so final about this, so completely irrevocable that I can feel it down to my bones. Deep down into the marrow.

  “Right.” I nod and try for the love of all things holy to get some moisture to my mouth. “Of course. Thanks.”

  I’m still nodding. I can’t stop nodding.

  “Robyn,” Dr. Lassiter says gently, placing a hand gingerly on my knee. “Breathe.”

  “Yeah. Breathing’s good. I like breathing.”

  She’s trying not to smile despite the concerned look in her gaze.

  “I know this is big news, and perhaps news you didn’t necessarily want.”

  “I don’t—um, I just don’t know that I—”

  “Relax. No explanations needed here. Just a few more procedures, then you can go home and process in peace.”

  “More procedures?” My voice cracks like I’m a fourteen-year-old boy instead of a twenty-three, soon to be twenty-four-year-old woman.

  Dr. Lassiter nods and returns her attention to my chart briefly. “We’re going to do a quick ultrasound and see if we can get some solid confirmation on how far along you are. You’ll also get to hear the baby’s heartbeat.”

  My mouth drops open and she speaks again before I can.

  “Unless you wanted to wait on that. Some moms like for the dad to be present for the first time. And some don’t want to hear or see anything until they’re sure they aren’t going to terminate or give the baby up for adoption. My guess is your baby is about the size of a peanut, so we might not be able to see much anyway at this point.”