The Series that Just Plain Sucks: The Complete Trilogy

by Charissa Dufour

  “Are you okay?” I asked from the doorway. The damp heat from the shower washed against my back as it escaped into the cooler room. It felt comforting—a stark contrast to the sudden change my life had taken.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You just lost all… ” I trailed off, unsure what to call the people he fed on.

  “My food source?” he scoffed, the lines of his face transforming into a sneer. “Don't read into this. They were nothing but cattle to me.”

  I stared at him in shock. Those people had just died for him. How could he be so callous about it? “Guess I shouldn't be surprised,” I murmured as I moved to the edge of my bed and pulled the covers back.

  Nik rose and walked to my computer desk. “Get some sleep,” he whispered back.

  Nik settled into my desk chair, stretching his legs out across the floor and resting his head against the wall. It didn't look very comfortable. In the meantime, I nestled down into my bed, pulling the blankets up to my chin. I felt cold, afraid, and alone, the man in my room notwithstanding.

  “Maybe you should just stake me before anyone else gets hurt on my account.” I grimaced. I'd been thinking about the dead again and the words slipped out on their own accord. When I opened my eyes, Nik stood over my bed staring down at me. I could see him clearly despite the lack of light in my room.

  “Do not tempt me. I don't want to have to tell Mikhail I disobeyed and destroyed his pet project.”

  I couldn't bear to look at him or his black heart. I closed my eyes and tried to hide my face in my pillow. Nik took the hint and went back to the chair. I heard him shift a few times and tried not to imagine the old seat breaking under him. Muffler jumped onto my bed and nestled against the small of my back.

  I sighed. “I'm hungry.” Man, I got to stop sharing every thought that runs through my head!

  “Eat your cat. It'll tide you over.”

  “Please don't eat me,” a voice said from the other side of my bed.

  My eyes went wide with shock. Nikolai jumped up and flipped the light on. Muffler was staring at me in a very serious manner, the usual epidemic purring suddenly stopped. It became official. I had completely lost whatever was left of my sanity. At least I wasn't alone in la-la-land. Nikolai glanced at me; his eyes were the size of saucers.

  “Did the cat just…?”

  I shrugged. “I take it talking cats are new to you?”

  Instead of answering, he knelt next to my bed. Muffler climbed to his feet and sat down, his eyes still on me. Muffler's ears twitched a few times.

  “Does this mean you've decided not to eat me?” the voice asked.

  We were staring at Muffler this time so I knew his mouth hadn't moved. Nikolai's eyes had grown to the size of Frisbees. I didn't know what to say to my cat.

  AHHH! seemed like a good response.

  Though I often talked to my cat, I never expected him to talk back. What am I saying! Cats don't talk. Especially this one. I knew Muffler. He's the type of animal with too much personality for his own good while at the same time being too dumb to use his personality in his favor. In fact, it usually just got him into trouble. There was no way this cat, of all animals, could learn how to talk.

  “Shit, shit, shitty, shit shit!” I chanted, my hands combing through my hair in a frantic gesture.

  “The modern age scares me,” commented Nikolai.

  “My cat just talked, and you're scared by my language?”

  Nikolai and my cat ignored me.

  “I'm sure you have a few questions for me,” the voice said.

  “Yes, just a few,” I said to my cat. Ok, time for the padded room. I'm talking to my cat… responding to my cat… conversing with my cat. The whole vampire thing was hard enough to accept. This was just straight and simple insanity. “Like, who the hell are you and what have you done with my cat?”

  Muffler suddenly began to purr just like he usually did when I talked to him. You know the type of cat, the one that purrs if you look at it or talk to it or casually think about it from two blocks away. “I've always been your cat; I just didn't announce myself to you. Now that you have entered the world of the mystical, I figured it wouldn't hurt to share, especially since you were thinking of killing me.” Muffler stopped for a second and lowered himself back into a lounging position as if it was too much work to remain upright—very catlike, to be honest. “My name is Tereus. I was a fae but was transformed into a cat.”

  Nik groaned and slouched back against the wall. “What?” I asked. “What does that mean?”

  “Just what we need… faeries.”

  “Fairy. As in Tooth Fairy?” I made a wing flapping gesture with my hands.

  “No. A bit scarier than that. Ever heard of the Greek gods? Hades, Athena, Hermes, Aphrodite, Hera? All fae. A fae is a mystical creature from ancient times. They are very powerful, though not nearly as powerful as they were before the invention of cold iron and industry. They come in many different shapes and sizes. Many of them do not look human but try appearing so through a glamour.”

  His brief description was far from satisfactory. I had many more questions, the writer in me seeing the potential. Before I could begin the interrogation, the cat cut me off.

  “Relax,” said the voice in a tone that sounded a great deal like a purr. “I'm hardly a threat. When I was transformed all my powers were taken. In truth, I'm little more than a cat.”

  “Yeah, a talking one. Gosh, I feel like Sabrina.”

  “Ah, Humphrey Bogart and Audrey Hepburn. Great movie. They don’t make them like they used to.”

  I stared at him for a moment before I remembered the old, black-and-white film. “What? No! Sabrina the Teenage Witch.”

  “A witch?” demanded Nik, his eyebrows constricting with anxiety.

  “No. The T.V. show.”

  “Huh?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Pop reference. Don't worry about it.”

  Nik stared at me as though I'd lost it, which in truth I had. After all, I was listening to my cat's backstory.

  “Who turned you into a cat?”

  “Phonoi.”

  I glanced at Nikolai. He had turned white… well, whiter. “Do you have any reason to believe Phonoi would come after you?” Nik asked.

  “I have no reason to believe anything, either way. I have spent the last some-odd years mostly in this apartment. It is possible. Like all fae, Phonoi knows how to hold a grudge. Granted, he may consider my debt to him as repaid. I simply do not know,” responded Muffler, his eyes closing occasionally in near sleep.

  “And if it is Phonoi that would be bad… right?”

  “Let's just say, if you come across a fae leave it alone.”

  Muffler meowed while at the same time the voice said, “Good advice.”

  I sighed. “So what now?”

  “Get some sleep. We can't do anything until nightfall.”

  I collapsed on the bed, hearing Nik shift back to the chair a moment later. Part of me wondered if sleep was possible especially with a talking cat lying on my bed. Then again, I'd accepted the concept of vampires and werewolves.

  Why not talking cats?

  Chapter Ten

  I woke later that day to find Nikolai and Muffler having a conversation of sorts. Nik sat at my desk while Muffler sat on my keyboard—his favorite spot. They were gazing into each other’s eyes as if they were having a staring contest. I wondered who was winning. In my experience, it's usually the cat.

  “So you didn't wrong Phonoi directly?” Nik was saying.

  “No. Do I look insane?”

  “And the fae woman, the one who bore your child?”

  “I do not know what became of her.” Muffler sounded sad. Can a cat be sad? Well, I guess a cat with the spirit of a fae in it can. Oh, my life is weird.

  “Riveting conversation with my cat?” I asked as I sat up.

  “Tereus has been telling me his story. Quite fascinating. Forbidden love and nasty consequences.”

  “Con
sequences worth speaking of usually are nasty,” purred the cat.

  “What time is it?” I asked, hoping to get off the topic of my cat's history, or how it might now be destroying my life.

  “Four p.m. The cloud cover is sufficient for us to leave in the next half hour or so.”

  I groaned, not feeling completely refreshed. “What sorta fun do you have planned for us today? Hopefully nothing involving werewolves.”

  Muffler hissed, spit flying in all directions. He stood up, his hair standing on end, and tried to back up until his butt bumped into the computer screen. I ignored him.

  “Preferably. We will go back to the seethe and talk with Mikhail.”

  “Fine,” I sighed. “But can I at least shower first?”

  “Again?” he asked, one eyebrow raised.

  I stopped to think back over the past day, realizing I had showered just before going to sleep. Why did I want another? Nik's eyes were on me as I worked through what seemed normal and what I wanted. My skin crawled under his gaze. It may be ridiculous, but these few moments away from Nik, or anyone else, were the only thing keeping me from going absolutely Tom Cruise. Yeah, I used Tom Cruise as a state of mind. Big whoop!

  “Yes, again! Got a problem with it?” I snapped.

  Nikolai shook his head slowly and turned back to my cat. I went to my dresser, still pressed against my door, and dug through it until I found a clean pair of jeans and a long sleeve shirt. It was a little nicer than a T-shirt. I figured I’d better be dressy for the “leader guy.” It's a technical term.

  “That the best you can do?” Nikolai asked, eying me over his shoulder.

  “This is about as dressy as I get.”

  “I don't know, that little black number you had on last night was considerably more impressive.”

  “Ha… sadly it's gone… pretty much ruined.”

  “That the only nice thing you own?” He asked, disdain dripping from the statement.

  “Pretty much.”

  “We’ve got to work on your wardrobe.”

  “What are you, gay now? Do you sparkle?” I taunted. He glared back.

  “If only. Sparkling is a lot better than dying.”

  “But you are gay?” I asked with mock sincerity before ducking into the bathroom. He had climbed to his feet, his expression no longer playful. It was downright terrifying.

  When I returned from my shower, Nik was standing by my bed, holding up the floor length red dress. I had purchased it for the one and only fancy dinner I attended after getting published. Chloe had picked it out, and boy did it show. It was a size too small with a V-neck and a slit that reached my upper thigh.

  I glared at him. “No means no! Besides, I look horrible in that thing. Red heads shouldn't wear red!”

  Nikolai sighed and returned the dress to my packed closet, pointedly hanging it with my more usual attire. “Then I will be sure to buy you a dress for your Joining.”

  “Joining?” I asked as I put on my shoes.

  “Yes. There is a ceremony to officially become part of our seethe. A great excuse for a party. And trust me, vampires love any excuse for a party.”

  “Noted. Ready,” I said while still braiding my second pig tail. I slipped my arms into my leather jacket and reached for my purse. At the last minute I realized it wasn't where it usually sat. Oh right, I'd lost it. Damn. It was going to be a pain to get a new driver’s license when I couldn't go outside during the day. I didn’t think a driver’s license was worth the risk of getting fried. Granted I didn't technically need one, either.

  I followed Nikolai out of the apartment, my mind's ear ringing with Muffler's colorful goodbye and “be careful.” When we reached the outside, I looked up into the misting sky. I didn't think the sun was actually behind the horizon, but I couldn't tell through the dark clouds. My mood began to sink as I followed Nik to his Land Rover. I needed to be writing, and this whole supernatural war was really getting in the way, not to mention I was supposed to be at work in the morning.

  “Tell me,” I asked while buckling up. “When am I actually going to have time to myself again?”

  “Depends on how many people you kill today… and what Mikhail says. Until he gives you the 'all clear' you're stuck with me.”

  “Do all new vampires get a babysitter?”

  “Yes. Though it's been a long time since I had to do it,” he growled, his eyes on the road.

  “Why's that?”

  “They usually don't need a bodyguard. You, on the other hand… ”

  “So I have a house guest, eh?”

  “We can always go back to my house or, I suppose, my apartment here in town, if you'd rather.”

  “You have an apartment too? Evidently you prescribe to the ‘overkill is NOT underrated’ mind set.”

  I was just about to say more when the large SUV bounced in an unfamiliar manner. The front tires went up into the air, crashed back into the pavement, and bounced as only tires can do. At the same time, an earsplitting crash resounded from the rear of the vehicle. I looked over my shoulder to see the back end of the SUV crumpled, as though it had been smashed with something. Out one of the holes that had been a window I saw the tail end of a telephone pole. I looked out the front to see the next couple poles topple over like a row of dominoes.

  “Stay put,” ordered Nik.

  Was he crazy?

  Chapter Eleven

  The crazy guy jumped out of the SUV, tearing his seatbelt from its bolts. Through the windshield, I saw… wait…what?

  I saw a dragon standing on the sidewalk next to Sylvester Park.

  Okay that's it! I'm done. No more fairy tale creatures are allowed to exist. Because I just can't take any more!

  I glanced out my own window. To my astonishment, the few pedestrians walking along didn't seem to notice the massive beast wedged between the trees. It looked pretty traditional for a dragon—wings, spikes, teeth, lots of teeth, and a long tail. What was unexpected, aside from its existence, was the way it looked to be engulfed in flames. The orange and gold flames licked up its body until they turned blue near his head. The weirdest part was that it did not seem to hurt the nearby trees, though it was clearly quite hot. The falling rain sizzled around its head and created a billowing cloud of steam.

  Before Nikolai could get far, the dragon shifted to a nearby street light and gave it a massive push with its wide shoulder. Just as it began to topple, I realized the dragon had pretty good aim: the falling light was directed right at the SUV. I slammed the door open, leaving a dent in it, wrenching myself free from the seat belt. The pole crashed into the front of the vehicle just as I reached the pavement. I felt shards of glass clatter down around me, some of them scraping my skin.

  Not giving myself a moment to hesitate, I bolted toward Nik and away from the crumpled front end of the SUV. Nikolai had rounded the back of the vehicle and was tearing metal bits from the underside. I tried to copy him, but wasn't quite strong enough. I added a few dents to the mess, but that was about it. Not to mention, I had no idea what he needed from the underside of the vehicle.

  “Duck!” Nik cried, just as the dragon turned its fiery breath in our direction.

  A few pieces of the car caught on fire, while others melted. I dropped to the pavement just in time. The heat was excruciating, but when it stopped I discovered no part of me had become engulfed in flame. I glanced over at Nik. He seemed equally unscathed.

  “I'm going to distract it,” he shouted. “You run around to its back and ram this through the thick part of its tail to anchor it.”

  He handed me what appeared to be the Land Rover's bent crankshaft. That's what it's called, right? Crankshaft? I took hold of the enormous piece of zig-zaggy metal and crawled to the back end of the car. Nik jumped out from his cover and bolted toward one of the parked cars. The movement caught the dragon’s attention. A stream of fire sprouted in Nik's direction, missing him by mere inches. I ducked out from the protection of the destroyed Land Rover and ran across the str
eet, dodging the few cars heading toward Capitol Lake. The drivers seemed oblivious to me and my crankshaft.

  I dropped between two parked cars just as the dragon ran out of breath. Nik ran to the next car, keeping its attention on him. I snuck behind one of the concrete planters. The dragon and its tail was only a few meters away. I waited for it to start another fiery bellow. When it did, I jumped forward, the crankshaft raised in my unnaturally strong arms, and ran to its side. I had to jump over its fiery tail as it swished back and forth—which became especially difficult considering the blinding steam rising from its body. Somehow I got to its rump without drawing its attention. Heat from the body painfully licked my skin, similar to how heat rises from the oven when you first open the door. My skin felt instantly dry, as though it might crack if I spent another second near the source. I slammed the one straight end of the zig-zaggy piece of metal into the part of the dragon where the tail met its spine.

  The heat from the dragon's body subsided noticeably. What had I just done? I’m sure Nik would know, but now wasn’t the time to ask.

  Just as I was about to turn and run, I felt something large and scratchy grab me by the torso and jerk me off the ground. I screamed and flailed my limbs uselessly while glancing down to see a giant tree—its long, naked branches acting as hands. I had a sudden image of Treebeard and felt a little bit like Merry and Pippin—very uncomfortable and very afraid. Standing at the base of the large tree was a mostly naked woman, her brown hair flecked with leaves and branches. What clothing she did have appeared to be made of leaves. Other than the plant life growing from her body, something about her appeared off. Though humanoid, her skin was the mottled color of dried leaves. One of her hands was placed possessively on the trunk of my attacker.

  Now, I have been to Sylvester Park many times. It's the local hippie hang out, and my friends like to go and watch the protesters make fools of themselves. But in all my visits, I'd never seen a mostly naked humanoid woman with a pet tree before. The tree-huggers in the area wore black socks with their Birkenstocks and layers of unwashed clothing. Though they tried to commune with nature, I'd never seen one actually control it. Like most of the last couple days, this was very new to me.