The Fix

by Natasha Sinel

  I put my hand on her knee and squeezed it.

  “Chris was looking for you,” she said.

  “When?”

  “He showed up after you left.”

  “I thought he was staying in the city with his dad. He didn’t tell me—”

  “He got home early and figured you’d be at the party. Didn’t he call?” she asked.

  “I don’t think so.” I pulled my phone out of my pocket to check my texts.

  SEBASTIAN: Hi. I’m taking care of Sofia until 1. We may go to lunch and a playground.

  I scrolled down. There was one from Chris from the night before.

  CHRIS: Hey u ok? Ur sick? Call me in the am.

  I’d have to wait until camp was over to write back.

  “Anything?” Rebecca asked.

  “Yeah. I guess I missed it somehow.”

  Just then, Darren walked in, and he made a beeline for me.

  “Macy, I need you for a minute,” Darren said. His voice was serious. I never should have taken out my phone. Maybe this wasn’t exactly what I’d wanted to do this summer, but it was a good job. I didn’t want to lose it, and I didn’t want to disappoint him. He led me off the tennis court.

  “Listen,” he said. “Kevin’s in the hospital.”

  “What?” I said loudly.

  “He’s fine, but his foot may be broken. My mother’s coming to get Avery, but she can’t get here until one. Can you stay with her at the playground?”

  “No problem,” I said. “Poor Kevin.”

  “Thanks, sweetie. I’ll give him your love.”

  Before returning to the court, I texted Sebastian.

  ME: Babysttng Avery from 12 to 1. Meet us @ Marwood playgrnd? I’ll give ur name to front desk.

  SEBASTIAN: It’s a date.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  After the rest of the campers had been picked up, I told Avery about her papa’s hurt foot and the new plan, and we headed to the playground. Sebastian was already there, pushing Sofia in a swing. He wore a faded mustard yellow T-shirt with brown trim around the neck and a random math equation on the front. His skinny body made his clothes look like they were hanging rather than being worn, and it emphasized the hugeness of his orange and white sneakers. He laughed at something Sofia said. He looked happy.

  He saw me and held his hand up to wave. Suddenly I was aware of how I looked. All camp-counselored-out, sweaty and dirty from the day. Definitely not hot. But his look made me feel like I was.

  “Hey, guys,” I said. “This is Avery.” I led her onto the playground, and she immediately jumped on the swing next to Sofia.

  “And this,” he said. “Is Sofia.”

  Sofia continued pumping her legs up and down.

  “I can touch that.” She pointed her toes toward the top of a tree. Her eyes were the same as Sebastian’s—big and dark brown with long eyelashes that curled at the ends.

  I started pushing Avery on the swing.

  “I’ll bet you can,” I said.

  “I can touch that one,” Avery said.

  Sebastian turned to me. “You okay?”

  “Yeah.”

  He raised his eyebrows like he didn’t believe me.

  “Higher, Sebastian!” Sofia shouted. He turned away from me to push her.

  “Hey,” Sebastian said to someone, nodding. I looked up.

  “Gavin!” I said. “What are you doing here?”

  “You brought me here, remember?”

  “I thought you were going home with Mom.”

  “She’s got a tennis match,” he said. “Are you leaving soon?”

  “I’m here until one if you want to wait.”

  “Cool.” He sat on a bench next to the sandbox.

  “This is Sebastian,” I said. After this morning, there was no way Gavin was going to be friendly. “Sebastian, this is my brother, Gavin.”

  They both said hey at the same time.

  Gavin opened his laptop and began typing furiously. Sebastian looked at me and I shrugged. How to convey Gavin’s immediate and undeserved hostility toward him? I couldn’t.

  “Are you a writer?” Sebastian asked Gavin.

  Gavin looked up. “Why?”

  “Not many people sit at a playground typing in the summer unless they really have something to say.”

  “I’m writing a novel,” Gavin said.

  “Wow. That’s a major undertaking.”

  “He’s really good,” I offered. I knew Gavin wouldn’t brag, so I’d have to. “Half-robot, half-boy trying to save the world and figure out who he is. It’s amazing.”

  “Cool premise,” Sebastian said. “Do you work from an outline or just see where your writing takes you?”

  Gavin’s face changed visibly. Very few people were interested enough to talk about the actual writing of the book, including me, and I suddenly felt like a jerk for never asking more about it.

  “Um,” Gavin said, clearly wanting to keep up his angry act but also seduced by Sebastian’s interest. “I started with an outline, but I always stray from it, which is bad. It’s a really plot-driven book. I kind of need to get back on track.”

  “I hear you,” Sebastian said. “There must be so much to keep track of—like a giant puzzle.”

  “You write?” Gavin asked.

  “No, mostly I draw. I have some ideas for novels, but I definitely couldn’t actually write one,” Sebastian said.

  Gavin couldn’t help himself—he was won over. And I knew that Sebastian wasn’t even trying to be charming. He really meant all the things he was saying.

  Avery and Sofia jumped off the swings and chased each other to the jungle gym.

  I watched Avery climb to the top of the structure. I wasn’t sure if she was big enough to try the monkey bars so I scooted under her just in case.

  “Mom said the tennis ladder is heating up. I’m sure she’s going to screw me on the sci-fi convention tonight, and I can’t get in unless I’m with someone over sixteen.”

  “I can go with you,” I said.

  Avery hesitantly put a hand on one of the monkey bars. Sofia was going down the slide, and Sebastian waited at the bottom to catch her.

  “So then you’re not leaving for Cape Cod until late?” he asked.

  Cape Cod? Oh my god! I was going away with Chris’s family for the weekend, and I’d completely forgotten. I hadn’t even packed. Gavin stared at me like I was a zombie with eight legs.

  “Seriously? You forgot you were going to Cape Cod with your boyfriend? Today?” Clearly, Sebastian’s charm had worn off.

  Sebastian seemed to be concentrating hard on Sofia’s climb back up the slide.

  “We may go tomorrow,” I lied. Even though it was obvious I’d forgotten the trip, I wasn’t going to own up to it.

  I was the worst girlfriend. I pulled out my phone, which was still on silent. Chris had texted an hour before.

  CHRIS: U out of camp yet?

  I typed quickly, hoping to make up for my reprehensible behavior.

  ME: Sorry! Fone silent. Babysitting. What time r we leaving?

  CHRIS: 3 ok? Psyched!

  ME: 3:30 is better. Me too.

  When I’d agreed to go to Cape Cod with Chris’s family, things had been different. I’d wanted to get away from the complications of everything. I’d wanted so desperately to be part of the Holtz world. But now, I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay here with Sebastian. Now that my secret was released, I wasn’t sure I could shove it back down. I could feel the power I’d once had—the power to pretend—draining out of me, drop by drop.

  “Daddy!” Avery cried out and ran to Darren, who was approaching the playground.

  “I’m sorry it took so long,” Darren said to me. “My mom got stuck in traffic, so I figured I’d just come get Ave.”

  “How’s Kevin?” I asked as he swooped Avery up into his arms.

  “His foot’s not broken, just sprained.”

  “Oh, that’s good,” I said.

  “Yeah, but
it’s the worst timing. We’re having a party at our house on the Cape tomorrow, and it’s too late to cancel. He’ll be completely useless to me. I’ll have to prep for the party myself and take care of the kids. Oh my god, I’m so selfish. My husband is in pain and all I can think is how much more work I’ll have to do.”

  I twirled a dreadlock as an idea took shape.

  “Maybe I could help with the kids while you’re getting ready for your party,” I said.

  He looked at me like I was crazy and then smiled.

  “You want to come to the Cape with us?” he asked.

  “Well,” I said. “Coincidentally, I’ll be on the Cape this weekend with the Holtzes. And Theresa told me that your house is nearby.”

  “Yes! Yes, yes, yes,” he said. “That would work. If you’re sure you want to, it would be lovely.”

  Somehow the word lovely worked for Darren even though it hadn’t for Rebecca.

  I breathed a sigh of relief. Having Darren’s house to escape to would help. Because at this point, I wasn’t sure how I was going to spend an entire weekend faking it with Chris.

  “Just text me when you get there. We’ll work out all the details then,” Darren said.

  I nodded.

  “Come on, sweetie,” he said to Avery. “Let’s go see Papa.”

  “Bye, Macy!” Avery shouted as Darren lifted her onto his shoulders.

  I turned back to Sebastian, who had pulled pretzels out of his backpack and given them to Sofia.

  “I guess we’ll head out,” he said. I tried to hide my disappointment. If Gavin hadn’t been here, I could have talked to him. I could have said something. But I wasn’t even sure what. There wasn’t anything to say. We weren’t—and wouldn’t be—together.

  “I’ll talk to you later?” I said to Sebastian.

  “Yeah, sure,” he said, and he led Sofia toward the guest parking lot.

  Gavin slid his laptop into his backpack and waited by the gate.

  When we got to my car, he opened his mouth to speak.

  “Don’t say a word,” I said first.

  We drove in silence the rest of the way home. I had enough to worry about without Gavin’s disapproval right now.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  “You okay?” Chris asked, turning down the music. I didn’t move my eyes from the blur of trees, signs, and the bridge that would take us over to Cape Cod.

  “Yeah.” I turned the music back up. I pressed my head against the window. Mom and I had a huge blowout right before Chris came to get me. I’d overheard Mom talking on the phone to Scott. She told him that Dad was always working, traveling, having dinner with clients—just never around. She said she felt like he was neglecting the family, and she wasn’t sure how much more she was willing to take.

  After Mom said, “Thanks for listening, Scotty,” I waited until she hung up, and then I lost it.

  “You’re having issues with Dad, and you’re spilling your guts to Scott?” I yelled. “Scott? That’s who you’ve chosen to depend on?”

  “I’m so tired of your judgments and anger toward him, Macy. Just get over it.”

  “How can you say that to me, Mom? Believe me, I’ve tried to get over it. Maybe you were able to forget it all, but I can’t. I wish I could forget. You just let him get away with it. You really just don’t care.” And I stormed out to Chris’s car. I don’t even think she tried to yell after me.

  “Are we okay?” Chris asked, turning the music off now. He took his right hand off the steering wheel and put it on top of mine. I flinched. He held on tighter and rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb. Normally, I’d pull away and give him some shit about the pointlessness of hand-holding or his terrible driving. But now, if I pulled away, it would mean something. It did mean something. So I just let him do it.

  “Macy? Are we okay?” Chris asked again.

  “I don’t know.” It was the truth. I’d lied about me being okay. I knew I wasn’t okay. But at least I could tell him the truth about our relationship.

  He took his hand away and ran his fingers through his thick blond hair.

  I looked at him and I ached. I ached for what he represented—the best part of my messed-up childhood, someone who loved me and who didn’t ask for anything in return. I wished I could be satisfied with that.

  Chris sulked next to me.

  “Is there something going on with that guy Sebastian?” he asked. Hearing Chris say his name made me feel nauseous.

  “No,” I said. “I mean, I do care about him, but nothing’s going on.” This was basically the truth.

  “Are you sure? I know you’ve been hanging out with him. I’m not jealous usually, but you’ve been acting different.”

  “I have?”

  “Yeah,” he said. “You have.”

  “I’ve been thinking about a lot of shit lately. I’ve been preoccupied, I guess.”

  “I knew this would happen at some point,” he said sadly.

  “What would?”

  “You’d break up with me.”

  “Why? Why would you think that?”

  ”I’m not blind,” he said. “You’ve just been going along with this. It’s always been one-sided. I wanted to try to change that, but …”

  “What are you talking about—one-sided?”

  “I could always count on you, you know, to defend me when I was getting my fat, zitty, stupid ass kicked in middle school, to watch the dumb school plays, listen to me whine about the stage stuff, the guys, all that. But you’ve never really needed me,” he said.

  He wrinkled his forehead, the same way he had when he was nine and trying not to cry.

  “That’s not true. I do need you,” I said.

  “No you don’t. What’s the stuff you’ve been thinking about that’s so preoccupying? Why haven’t you turned to me, your boyfriend, to help you?”

  I hesitated. “It’s complicated.”

  “Too complicated for me, obviously. Does it take someone smarter? Like Sebastian?”

  I didn’t answer.

  He stared at the highway, his fingers tight on the steering wheel.

  “Let’s just get through this weekend,” he said and turned the music back on.

  When we got to the Holtz’s beach house, I wished everything had been different. I wished that this could really be my life—Chris’s girlfriend, an easy weekend with a fun-loving family at a beautiful beach house by the bay. But it wasn’t really my life. It was becoming harder to figure out who I was and what I wanted and where I belonged. Or as Chris put it, what I needed.

  My phone buzzed with my third text from Mom.

  MOM: Please call me.

  I unpacked my things in the guest room. Theresa would have been okay if Chris and I stayed together in the same room, but we never had. And now, we never would. I leaned against the white dresser painted with pastel seashells and stared into the matching mirror. Same face as always. I’d been Chris’s girlfriend for almost seven months. Would I look different if I wasn’t anymore?

  In the kitchen, I found Theresa.

  “Chris took Joseph to the market to get the lobsters,” she said. If it had been the weekend it was supposed to be, Chris would have come into my room, we would have fooled around, and then he would have asked me to come with them to the market. But now we were operating under different rules. I wondered if Theresa sensed it.

  “Jim and I are going down to the bay. Do you want to come?” she asked.

  “Thanks, I think I’ll just read on the deck.”

  “We’ll be down there if you change your mind,” she said and went out the back door to the beach stairs.

  I checked my phone—a voice mail and two more texts from Mom, a text from Rebecca, and nothing from Sebastian. The disappointment created a tiny hole in my chest that I knew would only get bigger, so I decided to text him.

  ME: Hi. Hope ur ok. Thinkin of u.

  It was dumb, but it was something.

  After Chris and Joseph got back and we had our d
inner of lobsters and steamers, Chris and I walked down to the beach with a couple of beers he’d swiped from the fridge when Theresa wasn’t looking. When Joseph made a move to come with us, Chris gave him a look, and Joseph did the “Oh, I forgot I have to do something …” fake-out.

  We sat on the rough stairs, watching the finishing touches the sunset was painting on the sky. Purples, pinks, wisps of gray replaced the bright blue sky and sun from earlier in the day.

  “So, are we breaking up then?” Chris asked.

  I took a sip of my beer.

  “I think we are maybe,” I said.

  “That sucks,” he said.

  “Sure does.”

  “Is it because of Sebastian?”

  I hesitated. “It’s not because of, but …”

  I could barely see the blue of his eyes in the darkening sky.

  He stood and turned his back to me.

  “I’m going to need some time,” he said, his voice shaking. “I can’t just go right from this to friends.”

  “I know. Me too.”

  “I can’t believe I’m never going to kiss you again,” he said.

  “Never say never.” I tugged at a blade of dune grass.

  He looked at me. “Do you mean that?”

  “Yeah,” I said. Even though I felt that right now everything I had in me was for Sebastian, I would always love Chris, my best friend, and there would always be a piece of me that would hold out hope for us, for me. That maybe someday a less complicated, easy version of myself could be right with Chris.

  “Maybe we’ll do our own thing,” he said. “We’ll lose touch, and then after college we’ll run into each other on our lunch break at a deli on Broadway or something. And we’ll be like, ‘Hey, I used to love you once. Let’s try that again.’ And it will be all good.”

  “Totally,” I said, laughing. “Except you’ll be a famous set-designer for shows on Broadway, and we’ll never lose touch. Ever.”

  I stood and leaned my head against his shoulder. We drank our beers until they were gone.

  “Do you want me to take a bus home tomorrow?” I asked.

  “No. Stay. We don’t have to tell my family yet. They don’t need to be in our business.”

  When I got back into the guest room, there was a text from Sebastian.

  SEBASTIAN: Fine here.