Trash Can Days

by Teddy Steinkellner

Danny jumped forward faster than I could think.

  “¡BASTA!” he shouted. The hand stopped.

  Guillermo looked at me. Then, just as quickly, he wasn’t looking at me anymore. He was looking off into the distance, past me.

  I turned around to see what he saw.

  Jake.

  39 • Danny Uribe

  Friday, June 11

  It started with the thing she wrote online. None of the Raiders read her Web site or anything. We’ve got other stuff to do. But I remember Luz showed Carlos what Hannah wrote on that blog, and Carlos showed me, and I showed Guillermo and we were like, we have to do something.

  It wasn’t meant to be anything, though. Just a scare. Just like, back off, you know? It wasn’t meant to be what it turned out to be.

  It was her own fault. First the kind of stuff she was saying, then the way she ran around with that Chad fool. That was a dumb-slut thing to do.

  So I said okay to Guillermo’s plan. He promised me we weren’t gonna hurt her. We were just gonna make her think we might.

  I sat through Hannah’s whole graduation. What a joke. There were a bunch of Mexicans in it who hadn’t passed enough classes to graduate yet. The office is making them do summer school to graduate for real. SP just wants to get rid of them, make us the high school’s problem.

  At first I thought the Hannah plan wouldn’t work. I thought she wouldn’t want to hang with me. She’s chilled with like every other person besides me these last few months, even her brother, who she’s never even liked. But this afternoon when I went up to her after her family left, she was like, yeah, you’re the exact person I want to be with right now. Kinda made me feel weird.

  Kind of made me feel like, oh, I shouldn’t be doing this. But I couldn’t let her hotness distract me. She had to see that the fool things she does can get her in trouble. Words matter.

  Our walk was our first time being together in a long time. She made it weird real quick by bringing up the old days.

  I kept it cool. I didn’t get all emotional or nothing. I was just like, okay, I’m gonna ask her these questions, and if she gives me the right answers then maybe she won’t even have to deal with Guillermo. For real, I would have stopped us before we got to BV. I would have taken her home.

  But she didn’t give the right answers. She talked like someone who hadn’t learned a single damn thing this whole damn year. So the Raiders had to teach her a lesson.

  She’s smart and stuff, so she knew something was up right away. But she trusted me. I think she was smart to trust me too. I wasn’t gonna let nothing bad happen to her.

  So we got to BV. It was okay at first. Guillermo did the thing where he reaches into his pocket, but he does that with everyone. You have to really piss him off to see what’s in there. Hannah was being a good girl, so when Guillermo did the reaching thing I told him to stop right away. He did. He respects me.

  And then—

  What the hell was Jake doing there? He knows better than to come up to me and my scene. I’ve been telling him to stay away all year.

  Guillermo smiled big when he saw Jake. Like, too big.

  “Trash Boy!” he said. “Forgot your name. Forgot your face too. Just remember those little shoes. I missed you, Trash Boy. What are you doing here? Basketball season is over.”

  I gave Jake a look like, “Get out of here, man.” I didn’t want to say anything.

  Jake didn’t do what was best for him, though. He didn’t peace. He walked down the sidewalk, onto the grass, and halfway across the field to where we were.

  “Leave her alone.” The way he said it, I don’t know. Didn’t seem like Jake.

  Maybe the reason it didn’t seem like him is because it was stupid.

  “Get out of here, Jake,” Hannah said.

  “Oooooh—what is this?” Guillermo jumped in. “You two like boyfriend-girlfriend?”

  “We’re siblings,” Jake said. And then—and I do not know what made him do this, he added, “Asshole.”

  I got that feeling when your blood gets cold in just your arms and your face. I couldn’t see the other guys because I was standing in front of them. But I know the rest of them got that blood rush too. We were all going back in our minds to the last time some kid made this mistake.

  “Yeah, Guillermo, you’re an asshole.” Jake stepped forward. “And maybe they’re all too afraid to say it, but Hannah said it online. I’ll say it now.”

  Guillermo smiled again. He smiled big. The corners of his mouth stretched out to the ends of his face, farther than his eyebrow goes.

  “Tell me how I’m an asshole,” he said.

  Jake didn’t say anything to that. Maybe he realized what he had gotten himself into.

  “Come on, Trash Boy. You’re smart, right? You must have all kinds of reasons.”

  Jake looked down at the ground, then up at the sky. He looked at Hannah. He didn’t look at me.

  “You’re gonna tell me why I’m an asshole.” Guillermo moved his hand near his pocket a little. “You’re gonna do it.”

  Jake looked at Hannah again. She wanted him to shut up. But I could see that this mattered to Jake, and when something matters to him, he doesn’t shut up about it.

  So he decided to tell Guillermo. I remember every word.

  “All right,” he said. “All right. Listen, guys. So…I don’t think any of you are bad people.” He still wasn’t looking at me.

  “You’re cool. The Raiders are cool. Kids look up to you. They want to be like you. And like, even though I could never be like you—because I belong in the trash, after all—”

  A few guys laughed behind me.

  “Even though I could never be like you, I remember thinking during basketball how much I wanted to be one of you. Hanging out after practice, going out to eat as one big group, punching little wimps in the arm…yeah. Yeah, that all seems like fun stuff to do.

  “But I’m not one of you. I could never be. And that allows me to see something very important, and that’s this: you guys are too cool.

  “You’re so cool that it makes you think you can get away with anything, and I guess maybe you can, but that doesn’t mean you should.

  “Yeah, you guys are Raiders. But you’re also Pirates. Well, I guess a raider can be a type of pirate, but you know what I mean. You guys aren’t just disrespected gangsters. You’re students and friends and boyfriends and sons and brothers. You all have plenty of people who love you outside the gang. And when we see you getting together with only each other, when we see you cutting class and giving up on school and selling stuff and, well, you know, all the other stuff you do…all the, you know, really hurtful stuff, and for no reason…well…that’s what makes us think that yes, you are assholes.”

  I looked over at Hannah and she was smiling her real smile that she hardly ever shows. She couldn’t hide it. I wasn’t smiling. I couldn’t. But some of the hairs on my arm did start standing on their own. It was the same feeling I got during Jake’s speech last weekend, even though I didn’t like that speech.

  The other guys too, I knew they were getting that feeling. I could tell. They had listened to Jake’s words and found something true in them.

  Even Guillermo looked different.

  “So…all the times we think we’re being family,” Guillermo said, all slow, “really, what we’re doing…is we’re hurting all our other friends…and letting down our real families.”

  Jake nodded.

  “And…that’s what makes us assholes.”

  Jake nodded again.

  Guillermo stood there still and quiet. He was looking at Jake. He opened his mouth and then closed it. He blinked his eyes hard. Then he blinked his eyes hard again.

  “I’m sorry about Angel,” he said. “I think about him every day. It was a mistake, you know? I never meant for him to get hurt bad.”

  “You were just trying to scare him,” Jake said.

  “Yeah,” Guillermo said. “Yeah.”

  “But you were a Raider, a
nd he was a Destroyer,” Jake said.

  Guillermo started off slow. It seemed like it was hard for him to think of the words he wanted to say. “He was a Destroyer, yeah. But he was my boy, you know?”

  His voice went up a little as he said it. It was all shaky and stuff. It wasn’t like it cracked or anything, but more like he was choking back tears or something. Didn’t sound like Guillermo Torres. Then he said something else, faster this time. It was like he’d wanted to say it for a while.

  “I loved Angel. I love all you guys.”

  He stopped for a while again. He looked at Jake. His look had respect in it. It was the way he looks at me. He blinked and he shook his head and he lifted his shoulders and he sighed.

  “But, Jake,” Guillermo said.

  “Yeah?”

  “We’re assholes, right?”

  “You don’t have to be,” Jake said.

  “But we are. And me most of all, right? I’ve been like, such a bad person this whole time.”

  “You don’t have to be.”

  Guillermo slumped his shoulders and closed his eyes.

  Jake looked over at me for the first time all day. All month, I guess. Maybe for the first time since I joined the Raiders. He nodded at me. It was a quick thing, but I forgot how good that felt. How good it felt for Jake to look over at me.

  Then I heard Guillermo sigh again. He reached into his pocket. He pulled out something dark. He turned around, holding it in his hand. He looked straight at Hannah.

  No.

  I was not going to let that happen to her. I promised. I jumped in front of her, right between the two of them. I shot Guillermo a look. I didn’t have a weapon, but I was going to defend her with everything I had.

  Guillermo pressed the button on his handle. The blade flew into place. He raised the knife up in the air, holding it out in front of his chest, the blade pointed at me. He wasn’t more than five feet away. I could hear fast breathing coming from behind me.

  He looked at me. He narrowed his eyes, just like he must have done before he got Angel. I shook my head no. He kept looking at me. I shook my head no again. And again.

  “Basta,” I said, in a low, quiet voice. Then I shook my head one more time.

  Finally Guillermo widened his eyes. He didn’t widen them fast like he was about to strike, but he did it slow like he was giving up. He blinked a couple times too, like he was waking up from a dream or a nightmare. Like he had to put one last scare in Hannah, just to prove he was boss. Just to prove that the Raiders still had some cred. But now he was done. He took his time bringing the knife down.

  I squeezed Hannah’s hand.

  Then Guillermo spun around, ran two steps back, grabbed Jake’s shoulder with his left hand, swung his right hand back, and plunged the knife deep into Jake’s stomach. Jake’s eyes rolled to the back of his head right away as he fell to the ground.

  Everything went cold so fast. I don’t remember anything I felt after that happened, just everything I did.

  I threw myself at Guillermo, all my weight. Knocked him to the ground like a linebacker. His head hit real hard but I didn’t give a damn about him. I pinned him to the grass, my knees pressing against his chest. He looked up at me like wtf.

  I punched him in the face with my right. Then with my left. Then with my right. Then I punched him in the stomach. Then I kneed him down low. Then I punched him in the face again. I punched him till he looked different. I punched him till he didn’t wake up.

  I crawled over to Jake, lying on the ground a few feet away. He was in even worse shape than Guillermo. I couldn’t tell what was going on. Hannah was screaming behind me. The guys just stood there, watching in shock. I tried to feel Jake for breathing or a heartbeat. There was so much blood all over his polo shirt.

  I picked Jake up. I held my brother in my arms.

  Hey McKenzie,

  I didn’t get to know you that well this year, but it was cool having math and Spanish with you. You are really smart. HAGS and see you in high school.

  -David

  Bryce—

  2 good + 2 be = 4gotten

  xoxo Avery P.

  EMILY’S PAGE! NO ONE ELSE WRITE N E THING HERE!

  Jamie Boo,

  OMG what a cray-cray yr. First the Marco drama, then the Hannah drama, then a lil more Marco drama. SO DRAMATIC LOL. But u were my girl thru n thru n I luv u 4eva. I kno this isnt good-bye cause I’ll be seeing u so much this summa. LULAS.

  Always n 4eva,

  Emily-Bear

  P.S. who’s that hottie on pg. 74? :p

  Tina,

  It was a real pleasure having you in English and then writing club in May and June. You are a phenomenal student and a very talented writer. I especially loved the two-voice poem you and Dorothy wrote about fathers and daughters. I feel very lucky to have been your teacher.

  Ruben Morales

  Alex—

  It has truly been an amazing yr 4 me w/ u. There is probly no one else who I will ever love again like you. That’s what makes this so hard, but I am using this space to say that it’s finally over between us. 4 the last time. We just aren’t ready, we’re not—I’m sorry this is too hard to finish

  Kristen

  Whitney,

  Good times this yr! From rockin out in writing club to that time we talked on the bus, I feel like we were always up to something! You are a really awesome girl and a very talented writer. I’d love to get together to read each other’s stuff sometime. Call/text me.

  -Tyler

  Rachel Sloan,

  I’m looking at you right now. Weeeeeird. Never trust an angry cactus, that’s what I say!

  Sincerely, Brian Fenton

  ¡AMIGAS POR VIDA!

  Besos, Luz

  Heather,

  Best year ever? No doubt.

  <3 Nisha

  Jake,

  I don’t know if you’ll ever get this, but

  Jake,

  I hope you’re okay. The doctors haven’t told us anything. I pray that you’re okay, man. I want

  Jake,

  I can’t explain everything from this year. I don’t know how. But I want you to understand

  Jake,

  I’m a Raider. But I can still be your friend

  Jake,

  Don’t let this be the last thing I ever say to you. Don’t

  Jake,

  You will always be important to me.

  Jake,

  I know you think I turned my back on you. It’s not like that

  Jake,

  When I held you in my arms, that was

  Jake,

  I’m sorry.

  Jake,

  I feel bad. I feel so bad. But I can’t be sorry, because

  Jake,

  40 • Jake Schwartz

  Saturday, June 12

  The first thing was I had to figure out whether I was alive or not. When you’re barely a hundred pounds and you lose over two pints of blood, it can really go either way.

  The hospital doctors told me I was alive when I asked. I didn’t feel alive, but I tried to trust them since they’re doctors. They told me it’s a miracle that I’m alive, that if the knife had even so much as grazed any of my major organs, that I’d be dead right now. I told them I am dead right now. They said no you’re not. They said just relax. I’m not very good at relaxing, though, so I lay there in my bed and thought. I thought about how I got here.

  Well, I suppose it all started when my mom met my dad. They met at a party in college and hit it off, and dated, and got married, and if what we learned in health is true at all, before long, millions of his sperm were making their way into her uterine wall and—

  Jeez. What kinds of drugs do they have me on?

  Okay, I can remember Hannah’s graduation. Dad couldn’t come. The ceremony was boring except for a couple of beach balls. Hannah wanted to hang out with me after, but I’d already promised Dorothy.

  D. Wu and I had a plan to finish up that minimum day we never really g
ot to have way back when. The day after my bar mitzvah, she called me up with the idea and it sounded fun to me. I was ready to spend time with her again. I missed her. So, today, we brought all the same foods with us as last time, and we were going to have just the most classic Jake-Dorothy picnic at BV.

  But when we got there, we saw Hannah. She was with all the guys from basketball. It didn’t look right to me.

  I said, “Dorothy, we should tell the office about this.” She said good idea and started running back to school as fast as she could. I wanted to call after her and say wait don’t go yet, but I didn’t want to be so loud as to blow my cover. And I couldn’t run after her because I didn’t want to leave Hannah. And I couldn’t call Dorothy’s cell phone because such a thing does not exist.

  So there I was, by myself, watching my sister standing amid a group of gangsters for some reason, trying to make sure nothing went wrong.

  And then I saw Guillermo reach inside his jacket. I jumped out instinctively and Guillermo spotted me. A little shrimp standing hundreds of feet away. He smiled when he saw me. I remember he had that same smile on St. Patrick’s Day. I had no choice but to walk up to him.

  Guillermo started asking me a bunch of questions, and I started talking—telling the truth no less—which was most likely stupid. But I was thinking that maybe in this situation, stupid was the smart way to go.

  See, when I was on the team, the reason none of those guys respected me is because I never did anything to earn their respect. The only ones they looked up to were guys like Guillermo and Danny, dudes who acted mean and tough. The Raiders had to see someone step up and be confident without being an ass about it. And Danny had to see me step up, period.

  So I figured I’d fight a verbal fight. Best-case scenario would be if I radically shifted the perspectives of everyone in the gang, causing them to see for the first time that they have severely misinterpreted what the concept of brotherhood means. I thought that the worst-case scenario would be, I don’t know, a few bruises on my arm, or another trip to the trash can. Somehow, I couldn’t foresee what was, looking back, a much more realistic worst-case scenario.

  I know they listened to me. I know they did. Even Guillermo, I know he heard what I said. Even though he stabbed me. He only did that because he felt like he had to.