by K E Osborn
“You’re in a good mood,” I say and he leans in kissing my forehead, and then pulls back and looks at me and smiles.
“Yeah, I am. Today’s a good day, I get to see you. I was looking for you all day yesterday, but I couldn’t find you anywhere. But now here you are right in front of me like the angel you are. I missed you.”
“Danger took me over to Kangaroo Island on a date.”
His smile falters and he breathes out of his nose harshly. “Oh right,” he says breaking our eye contact and he looks down at the floor.
“Yeah, we went to this fantastic wildlife sanctuary where I bottle fed a kangaroo, and held a koala. Danger got attacked by emus, it was hilarious you should have been there.”
He swallows hard and rubs his mouth with his hand. “Yeah, sounds like you had a great time. So he took you on a real date then?”
“Yeah, and it was perfect, Chad. He was so charming and he opened up to me about his past and his family. It made me realise why he’s the way he is.”
“So, he’s making you happy then?”
I smile and nod. “Yeah, he really is.”
“Well, that’s great for you, Ella.”
“He’s changed and we haven’t fought for a while. I want to ask him about if this thing we have is going to continue, and maybe try a long distance thing after the tour.”
Chad’s face contorts like he’s going to be sick. “Are you sure you’re really that happy with him?”
I raise an eyebrow at his question and nod. “Yeah Chad, I want to make this work with me and him. I think he’s worth fighting for.”
He stumbles slightly on the spot so I reach out grabbing him so he doesn’t fall over. “Are you okay? You don’t look so good?”
He exhales and shakes his head. “I’m glad you’re happy, Ella. That’s all I want for you,” he says and then turns and walks away. I hope he’s okay and not coming down with something. Poor Chad.
Danger and I have been in our happy little bubble, and I haven’t wanted to bust it with serious talk of us after the tour. But I know that with only two weeks left of this six month tour, I need to find the courage to speak with Danger about it, or I might lose the opportunity to continue our relationship after this tour ends. Chad has distanced himself from me again which is driving me mad, but being wrapped up in my own world with Danger has kept me distracted. I miss Chad, every day and even though I still see him and talk to him about band issues, I miss our interactions and the moments we used to have together. I even miss his food name calling. It used to make me laugh, but he seems distant and troubled, and I don’t know what’s wrong with him. I wish he’d stop avoiding me and just be my friend. I even asked Danger if he’d asked Chad to stay away from me again, he swore he hadn’t and I believe him, so I guess Chad just has other things on his mind.
We’re in Germany at the after party after performing at another packed out arena concert. Slayed are still doing press, so Danger and I are free to dance together and I’m enjoying every second of it. I know I have to have the talk with him sooner or later, and every time I think about it, it’s making me more and more nervous. I just have no idea what his thoughts on it will be. He’s been so good to me over the past two months. Sure, he’s gone back to having rough and wild sex with me after our trip to Kangaroo Island, but at least he showed me he does have a softer side even if it only comes out every now and then.
Danger is grinding into me and I’m laughing at his sultry moves as we dance along to the music. I’m having a great time and I wrap my arms around his neck and sway along with him. Suddenly Danger lets go, grabbing my arms and pulling them from around his neck. Then he takes two giant steps backward moving a good two feet away from me. I furrow my brows as he looks over to the door where Slayed are walking in which, of course, means my dad. I exhale and shake my head at Danger’s obsession to not be seen with me in front of my dad. It’s annoying me, so I roll my eyes as he looks back at me. I take a step toward Danger and he takes one back. I huff and throw my hands in the air in frustration knowing our fun is over until Dad leaves. So I turn around and storm off the dance floor and make my way to a booth to sit down and sulk.
Danger is pissing me off.
We could still dance together, it doesn’t have to be sexy dancing.
Dad doesn’t need to control every aspect of my fucking life!
I rest my elbows on the table and then put my head in my hands trying not to let this get to me. I think I’m so annoyed because I know we don’t have long left together, and I’m worried that with only two weeks left, the open-ended question of what happens at the end of that two weeks is killing me. I need to know where we stand.
Someone slides into the booth next to me and I look up to see Chad. I open my eyes wide and smile not expecting him at all.
“Hey, dijon, how’s it going?” he asks.
I feel like I want to cry, not just because Danger just pissed me off, but because I have missed Chad so much and hearing him calling me stupid food names again is making me so happy.
“I missed you.”
He smiles wide and chuckles. “I missed you too. You okay, you seem a bit…um…frazzled?”
“I really need to talk to Danger about our relationship after the tour. I just haven’t had the guts to do it yet,” I say and he purses his lips and flares his nostrils.
“Well, if that’s what you want, then you need to ask for it. But Ella, you need to be prepared that he may not want that,” he says.
I bite my bottom lip and nod because that’s all I’ve been thinking about. What if he doesn’t want it? I keep thinking if he did want our relationship to continue after the tour then wouldn’t he have brought it up? Maybe I’m going to be rejected. I look over to where Danger is standing against the bar with Ryan, Matt, and Nate. He’s looking in my direction and glaring at Chad. I roll my eyes and can’t help but think if he’s so annoyed that I’m sitting with Chad then he should come over and sit with me himself. I’m not going to be the one to go to him, he’s the one that put a stop to us being together tonight so he can suffer for it.
“Do you remember when we were five and we were playing on the swing set and you said that you thought you could fly, so you tried to jump out from the swing and you fell flat on your chest and winded yourself?”
“Yeah, how could I forget? You were screaming at me telling me that your tummy felt funny, and for me not to do it ‘cause I’d hurt myself.”
“Yeah, my tummy is always funny like that, it always tells me when something is off,” I say. I think back to the start of the tour when I first met Danger and my stomach was in knots. I had the feeling in my stomach then, but I also have it around Chad too. I have no idea what it’s trying to tell me.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, just trying to figure my life out.”
“Aren’t we all,” he says and puts his hand out on the table taking my hand in his and running his thumb across the smooth surface of the back of my hand. A tingle shoots straight up my arm and jolts my heart making it beat faster. I look at Chad, and he’s looking at me like a lost puppy. I have no idea what he’s thinking as his thumb gently caresses my skin. I swallow hard looking into his eyes and I see a genuine sadness in them. It breaks my heart and I wish I could take his pain away. I wish I knew what was wrong with him. I wish I could make us both feel better and be happy right now. As he licks his bottom lip slowly, I lean in needing to be closer to him. His smell is driving me crazy, it’s alluring to me. Just looking into his eyes is sending a shiver down my spine and suddenly I feel boiling hot. I lean in closer as I notice he starts to lean toward me too.
Swiftly Danger slides into the booth across from us breaking the moment and forcing me look at him. His eyes are glassy and glaring as his nostrils flare and his face turns bright red. Chad lets go of my hand and my heart rate spikes dramatically, like I’ve just been caught doing something wrong.
Chad leans in kissing my cheek breaking the silence. Danger gr
unts as Chad stands up and goes to leave.
“You don’t have to go,” I say and Chad looks at Danger and then back at me and shakes his head.
“No, I really do,” he says and then he looks back at Danger, who’s staring him down. “I’ll see you later.” And then he walks off. I huff and shake my head looking at Danger as he watches Chad leave.
“Will you two ever get along?”
Danger turns and looks at me. “No,” he says deadpan and completely serious.
“Well, I think it’s ridiculous that you should come over and interrupt time with my friend when you didn’t want to spend time with me in the first place.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with you, sugar. You know that’s not true. I want to spend all my time with you, just not in front of Colt,” he says and I shake my head.
“Well, where does that leave us then?”
“What do you mean?” he asks and I figure it’s now or never.
“Well, what happens to us after the tour?” I ask. My heart is racing so fast I feel like I want to be sick. My head is spinning and my breathing is so rapid I can hardly think.
He swallows hard and rubs the back of his neck. “You want to know if we continue this thing after the tour?” He exhales and looks down at the table.
“I was wondering if you were going to ask me this question,” he says and my stomach twists in on itself. “Sugar, we need to think about it logically. I like you, you're incredible, and you’ve made me want to be better. You’ve made me want to be a different person. You’ve changed me, and I’m so grateful for that—”
“But?” I ask sensing that this is not going at all how I wanted it to go.
“But, logistically, how can it work? I live in the US, you live in the UK. We’re worlds apart, Ella. How could it work?” he says and I can feel the hot sting of tears pooling already.
“Well, what about a long distance relationship. I know we never discussed if we are boyfriend and girlfriend, but I feel that’s the level we’re at and Skype is amazing these days and—”
“Ella, stop!” he says interrupting me. “Long distance is hard, for normal people, but we’re not normal, sugar. We’re both performers, who will be on different time schedules with their bands. I just don’t see how it could work, even though I want it to.”
I can feel tiny fractures appearing in my heart, as it starts to shatter. He doesn’t want me, he doesn’t want us. This isn’t going to continue. I gave him a piece of me, hell, I gave him all of me, and I’m getting nothing in return.
“You don’t even want to try?” I ask as the hot tears prick the edges of my eyes. He brings his hand up over the table and grabs mine holding it tightly.
“What good would it do, Ella?”
I blink causing the tears to cascade down my cheeks. He exhales and winces.
“Please don’t cry.”
I pull my hand from his and wipe my cheeks.
“If there were some way around it, I would do it, Ella. You’re unbelievable and you’ve totally turned my world upside down—”
“But I’m not enough—”
“No, sugar, don’t think like that. You are—”
“No I’m clearly not, or you’d be trying harder,” I say and stand up.
“Ella, don’t leave,” he says as I turn to walk away wiping more tears falling down my face.
“Why not? You don’t want me enough for me to stay,” I say and then let out a heartfelt sob.
He exhales, stands, and reaches out to grab my hand, but I flinch it away and continue to walk out. He grabs my arms stopping me and forcing me to turn around. I’m trying so hard to hold myself together because I absolutely do not want to fall apart in front of him.
“Sugar, we need to push past this and enjoy the last two weeks we have left together.”
Suddenly rage washes over me, I push his chest hard making him fall back into the booth.
“Ella!” Danger calls out, but I ignore him wrapping my arms around myself, giving me the support I desperately need as I turn and sob all the way out of the after party. I run out into the hallway and turn back to make sure he isn’t following me. He isn’t, so I lean against the wall and try to catch my breath. I’m sobbing hard now, so much so I have snot bubbling out of my nose while my heart races so fast I feel faint.
Danger doesn’t want me.
He doesn’t want us.
I can’t help but think this past six months was all for nothing. I gave him my heart, a piece of me I can never get back, and now he’s giving up on us and it hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt in my life. I’m breaking, and as I slide down the wall to the floor I can’t help but think that I gave too much of myself, and he in return didn’t give enough of himself.
Last night, I went back to the hotel by myself, without Danger, and cried myself to sleep feeling completely heartbroken. I dreamt of a childhood filled with fun and laughter, of me and Chad running through the backyard of the manor and growing up through the years together. Of him always being there for me and never letting me down. Ever.
I wake the next morning with a throbbing head feeling like I’m hungover, even though I only had one drink last night. I’m completely spent, and I’m not looking forward to seeing Danger today. I’m going to make sure to avoid him from now on. He broke my heart last night, so I don’t want to make any time for him now seeing as he won’t even try for us. I don’t see what the point is in even speaking to him, so avoidance is my plan.
We all arrive at the arena for tonight’s concert, and Danger walks up to me at the side of the stage. I shake my head and he stops.
“Ella, we should talk.”
“There’s absolutely nothing to talk about,” I say and walk off in the other direction.
He doesn’t follow and I’m glad he doesn’t, because I really don’t want to start a scene here in front of everyone. I walk down to the Staked green room and feel the emotion of seeing Danger beginning to wear me down. With each step I take, the thud of my heart pounds a little harder, and the tears start to well behind my eyes. I walk into the green room and Chad is sitting on the lounge playing with his phone. He looks up at me as I wipe a falling tear from my cheek. He stands up and rushes over as I walk in.
“Ella, what’s wrong?” he asks and wraps me in his arms encasing me in his warmth and strength, and finally I feel like I’m wanted and safe. I can’t hold back my tears anymore, so I let them flow freely as I cling onto Chad’s shirt and cry into his chest. “Ella, please talk to me?” he asks, leading me over to the lounge suite and sitting us down making sure to keep hold of me the entire time. I cuddle into his side as he holds onto me, gently stroking my arm and trying to calm me.
“Danger doesn’t want to continue things after the tour. He thinks it’ll be too hard, he doesn’t even want to give it a shot. He just doesn’t want me, Chad. I feel like such a fool.”
“Oh Ella, I had a feeling this would happen. You’re way too good for him and he knows it. He took advantage of your good nature and took what he could from you while he could take it. Ella, you need to forget about him. The tour will be over soon, you won’t have to see him again and, to be honest, I for one will be glad to see the arse end of Danger from Recoil.”
Even though Chad is only trying to make me feel better, it only makes my chest constrict tighter at the thought of not seeing Danger again. Never seeing him again makes me feel physically sick, and the possibility of that happening in two weeks is looking more and more real. But if he doesn’t want me there’s little I can do about it.
“I can’t believe I let myself get in so deep, Chad,” I say clinging to his vest and crying into his chest. My stomach is flipping as I sob so hard, it breaks my heart all over again.
He exhales and comforts me, just being the support I need right now. “I could fucking kill him for this,” Chad murmurs barely audible. I don’t have the strength to say anything in return. I’m too broken.
It’s been a we
ek since Danger told me we wouldn’t be continuing our relationship after the tour. There’s one week to go and I’ve been purposely avoiding him, there’s no point in being with him in any way unless we’re going to be continuing this after the tour. So I’ve been making sure to steer clear of him. It’s been hard and I’m completely miserable, but I’m just going through the motions.
I’m waiting at the side of the stage to go on. Recoil have just finished their set and we’re up next. I’m in my own world when Danger grabs my arm pulling me to the side away from everyone. I glare at him, as a surge runs right through me at his hands on me. He’s looking at me like he’s completely lost, and the tension in the air is thick as he pulls our bodies close making my breathing hitch and my heart rate spike.
“I don’t want it to be like this, Ella. I need to be able to kiss you, like right now,” he says and then his lips crash to mine. I’m powerless against him. I need to be up on that stage right now, but my hands betray me and find their way to his arms and run up his bulging biceps and into his damp hair holding his head to mine. I kiss him back and right now I don’t care about the concert I’m meant to be playing, or the fans waiting to hear me play. I just care about Danger kissing me like there’s no tomorrow. He slowly pulls back and looks into my eyes.
“We can continue this after, right?” he asks and I nod breathlessly. “Good, now go and rock out. After, I want you in my hotel room, naked, and bent over my bed. I need your sweet pussy again. I’m aching for you, sugar,” he says leaning in biting my bottom lip and just like that I’m putty in his hands again. “Ella, you have to go.” He looks toward the stage.
I snap out of it and nod taking in some much-needed oxygen and race to the stage with my panties now soaking wet and an appetite for Danger that only he can quench.
I was so wrapped up in Danger again when he took me back to his hotel room that we fell back into old habits, and I didn’t stop to think what it meant. We’ve been back together for five days and have been practically inseparable. But now, there are only two days left before the tour ends and I need to ensure that we’re continuing this thing. Because right now, that’s the vibe I’m getting from Danger. That’s why he started this back up again, right? Because I don’t see why you’d start our thing again, without the assumption that there was going to be more after? I roll over in the bed and run my finger down the patterns on Danger’s chest. He slowly stirs and I smile wide as his eyes flick open and his dark blue eyes drink me in.
