by Smith, Wendy
“I know, but it made me feel better. Some things never change, do they? Like how annoying she is?”
For a moment we gaze at one another, and I take in the sight of a happy Lily. She makes me think of better times, when all we had was laughter and love and nothing else mattered. It seems so long ago.
“We’ll check in with Jack and then shall we go and get this part for your car?” I ask, aching to link my fingers in hers and cover her hand in kisses. It used to be our thing once, and she would tease me about what a gentleman I was. At least in public.
She nods. “Yes please. Sooner I can get back on the road, the better.”
The moment’s gone as she turns back toward my car, and I trail behind her. I wish I knew how to break through with her, to get past that barrier that’s between us. Every time I see her, I feel as if I’m closer, but there’s so much of herself she keeps hidden.
I should know.
* * *
Jack doesn’t have the part, but he loans me some tools to fix the car.
I had planned on trying to speak with Lily about our years apart on the way to Callahans, but instead we sit in an uncomfortable silence while I try to work out what to say. Every time I’m near her, my thoughts are confused, and it’s hard to get them together.
“I haven’t had too many problems with that car. It’s usually well behaved.” It’s surprising, but Lily’s the one who breaks the quiet, giving me a small smile. I think this is as awkward for her as it is for me.
“They don’t make them like they used to. There’s a reason those cars are still around. Not hard to fix either.”
“Thank you.”
I grin. “You’re welcome. I’m happy to help.”
“I do appreciate it.”
She’s throwing me a lifeline. Do I grab it and push my luck, or just work with it and take it at her pace? “To be honest, I’m glad it waited until I was in town to help out. Must be hard when you have to travel so far to get anything done.”
Lily sighs. “It doesn’t make life easy. The apprentice Jack had when you were here qualified and left, and he struggled to find someone else. It just ended up too much for him.”
“Yeah, he was telling me. It’s such a shame for the area to lose services like that.”
“That’s what happens in a small town.” She looks down at her hands. “I still wouldn’t live anywhere else.”
“Why did you stay here?” The question slips from me before I can stop it.
Lily shrugs. “Despite everything, it’s a good place to raise a child. I don’t know how Max would handle the city. I think it’d be too noisy and distracting for him.”
“I guess you’re right.”
“Did you miss this place?”
Callahans is coming up on the left-hand side of the road, and I indicate to pull into the driveway, not wanting this moment to end. Who knows how the trip back will go? “I missed it a lot. Though I think at first it was the who I missed rather than the where. Being back makes me realise just how much homesick I’ve been, even if I didn’t realise it at the time.”
She nods, and then she’s first out of the car when I stop in the car park. I’m not sure if she’s running from further conversation or just eager to get her car fixed. I suspect it’s the conversation.
“You’re keen.” I laugh as I get out the car.
“Sorry. I just want to get it sorted. We’re so dependent on that damn car.” She gives me her first truly genuine smile, and as they always did, her eyes light up and her gratitude is plain to see. “I owe you for this.”
“Do I get to choose how I get paid out?” I take a chance.
Her eyebrows creep up and her lips quirk like she’s trying not to smile. “What did you have in mind?”
I round the car to stand in front of her. “To spend some time with you. Maybe a date?”
The strangest expression crosses her face, uncertainty with a tiny bit of want. Although that might be wishful thinking on my part.
“I don’t date.”
“Ever?”
“Ever.”
I cock my head and eye her up. “Why not?”
Her shoulders slump. “I can’t. I also don’t know if the car park of the garage is the right place to be having this conversation.” She walks past me and toward the door. As she reaches it, she pauses and looks back over her shoulder. “Are you going to tell me which belt I need, or do I have to guess? I bet there’s a whole lot of variants.”
I’m not sure if she’s flirting with me, so I take the risk. “I could tell you what part I think you need, but you might slap me.”
Lily rolls her eyes as I hold out my palms to show I’m not being serious. Is it wrong to want someone so much who doesn’t seem to be interested in you? At times she’s been so hostile and other times I see her soften, like she wants to let me in but isn’t sure of me. But what’s there to be unsure of?
We sit on a precipice, and I don’t want to push her over by questioning her. I’m torn between wanting answers and trying for a fresh start. She seems stronger than ever, but broken.
I don’t just want to fix her car. I want to fix us.
* * *
Nothing is ever simple.
I tell the salesperson what part we need and without thinking, I hand over my credit card. Lily’s busy looking at car accessories and doesn’t realise I’ve paid for the belt until I’m heading back toward her with it in a plastic bag.
“You didn’t pay for that, did you?”
“Sure did.” I can’t help the smile on my face, even though I know she could flip out.
“Adam.” Her light-coloured eyebrows dip, and she frowns.
“I got a little carried away. See anything else you like?”
“Nothing you’re paying for.”
“Let me pay for lunch.” I catch her off guard, and her eyes widen as she gazes at me.
“I thought we were coming here and then going back.”
“That was the plan. Seeing as we’re here, I thought we could take a walk and check out the shops. Maybe find somewhere to eat. What do you say?” I try that smile, the one that usually worked to reel in the ladies. It is cheesy, and this is the special girl, but I have to give it a go.
“I say we go back home and get my car fixed. I have things to do.”
For all I know she does, but I’m taking a gamble on her being free for at least part of the day. “Like what?”
“I’ve got to check the sheep. They’re not far off shearing, and that’s where a chunk of my income comes from. Plus, I have vegetables to get ready for the farmers’ market on Saturday.”
“I’ll help you do it later.”
She sets her jaw, but I don’t want to let up. How often does she get someone wanting to help her, take care of her, do things for her?
I place my hand on my heart. “I promise I won’t buy anything else for you, but I do want to buy lunch. We’ll just look.”
Lily shakes her head and licks her lips in a move that sees me shuffling on the spot. “Fine. But we have to be back in time to pick Max up. I’m not leaving him at the mercy of that cow Sasha’s kid.”
“We will be. I promise.”
Her face shuts down, and I can no longer see what she’s thinking from her expression. She’s in shut-out mode for some reason, and I need to know what triggers that.
“Lily?”
“Don’t make me any promises. Just do it.”
She’s back to business with her tone, and it’s like a switch just turned off.
“No problem. We’ll be back with plenty of time to spare.”
She nods. My much happier companion has gone and been replaced by this defensive woman who’s put me back to where I started.
How do I get past that?
14
Adam
She relaxes a little as we walk, and I see her looking wistfully in the fabric shop. Maybe she inherited the sewing skill from her mother. That woman could make anything out of nothing with her s
ewing machine.
“Want something?”
Lily shakes her head. “No.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
We move on, but it still bugs me. Since the day we met, I’ve had the overwhelming feeling of wanting to protect her. Despite the distance, that’s not changed. She deserves so much more than she seems to have.
“If it’s a money thing, you can always pay me back.”
She comes to a halt on the footpath and turns to me. “I know you mean well, but I’m not putting myself further in debt to you.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
Lily turns and keeps walking. I shake my head, irritated at myself for putting my foot in my mouth and scoot after her, pointing across the street at a restaurant. “That place looks good. How about we get lunch there?”
“Sure.”
The more time I spend with this woman, the more I’m frustrated and interested. It’s driving me crazy. She’s so hard to talk to until she’s not, and words flow from her mouth freely as if we were lovers again. I want to make the most of every moment we get together.
We cross the road and I read the sign above the door. “Pacific Gold. Best food around. We’ll see about that.” I grin, and Lily sighs. She’s not going to make this easy in any way, shape or form.
It’s not exactly busy. There are two other couples sitting at the round tables, trimmed with stark white tablecloths. The food had better be good. This place has zero appeal otherwise. It’s so bland.
I pull a chair out for Lily and she sits stiffly, looking around.
A waitress is already approaching and hands us menus as I sit opposite Lily.
“Would you like any drinks before you order?” she asks.
“I’ll just have a Coke. Lily, do you want anything?”
“The same. Thank you” She opens the menu and starts scanning it. I do the same.
“Food looks good,” I say.
“Hmmm.”
“I think I’m gonna have to have a steak. Mum’s cooking is as bad as it always was, and I’ve missed New Zealand food.”
She nods. “I think I’ll have the Chicken Parmigiana.”
“Excellent choice, Miss Parker.” I shoot her a smile, and she gives me that shy look that leaves my heart palpitating.
The drinks appear quickly and give Lily an excuse not to talk to me. She sips at her Coke with a straw and looks at me from under those eyelashes. Anyone else and I would think she’s flirting with me, but my brief time back here tells me that’s not what’s going on.
The food arrives soon after we order, and I take a bite of the most succulent steak I think I’ve ever eaten. I groan at the taste. “This is amazing.”
Lily nods. “The chicken’s good too. Thanks for bringing us here.”
“You’re thanking me for the delay?”
She smiles. “No, just for the food. The delay is a pain in the arse.” Her smile widens. “You’re a pain in the arse.”
“Why change the habit of a lifetime?” I break through and make her laugh. There was a time when that happened a lot, when all we did was laugh and smile. Now everything’s awkward and forced except for in moments like this when it feels so natural.
Taking a sip of my drink, I decide to bring the conversation a little closer to home. “What’s up with Max? He’s such a great kid, but he seems like he has his moments.”
She licks her lips, and seems to struggle to put words together. “He’s had his health issues, and he has learning disabilities. Although, I wonder about that sometimes. He seems smarter than the kids around him who don’t.”
I look down at my drink. “He does. I love seeing how close you two are. I guess he’s been good company for you.”
She leans back in her chair as if she’s been slapped. “He’s everything.” Lily blinks as if she’s trying to push back tears. I don’t know what I’ve said to prompt that response—maybe it’s just her thinking of her son.
“I’m sorry if I’m upsetting you.”
“Why didn’t you ever come home?”
Her question hits me straight in the chest. It almost sounds like a plea. “I thought about it. But you had your life to get on with and so did I.”
Tears roll down both her cheeks. I’ve unlocked something. “Sometimes I’d see your mother in the street and she’d make sure to tell me how you were getting on with your life.” She sniffs and wipes her cheeks with her sleeve. I want to round the table and hold her until the tears go away. After all this time, I never expected us to end up like this, sitting across the table from each other. She’s so close and yet so far.
We’re interrupted as the waitress appears again. “Any more drinks?”
I shake my head, but not before the waitress frowns when she catches sight of Lily’s tears. She glares at me before turning and walking away.
My focus shifts back to Lily. “I did get on with my life. Only because I thought there was no hope back here.”
The words hang over us, and her expression is one of disbelief. “No hope?” she whispers.
This is getting way too much over a table in a restaurant kilometres from home. We need to go somewhere private to discuss this, not be sitting in a public place. I hate seeing Lily so upset.
“How about we finish our lunch and I get you back home?” I say gently.
Lily nods, pushing around the food on her plate with her fork. I wish I knew what was going on in her head. My heart hurts for upsetting her, even though I don’t know what it was that did. It doesn’t sound like my mother has helped my cause.
“I’m sorry if my mum’s upset you. You know how she is.”
“The crazy control freak? Yeah, I know.” She lets out an exasperated sigh. “I’m sorry. I know she’s sick.”
“You’re still allowed to think that way. You know better than anyone how I always felt about her being so controlling.”
Lily places her fork on her plate. “I think I’ve had enough to eat.”
“You haven’t had much. We could ask for a doggy bag. Max might like some of that chicken.”
She gives me a wan smile. “Sounds like a great plan. He’d love it.” The colour’s faded in her cheeks, and her eyes seem heavy.
“You look tired.”
There’s a slight nod as she agrees. “I think I need to take a nap.”
“Want me to pick up Max from school this afternoon?”
She sucks in her bottom lip, and I don’t know if it’s because it’s tempting or I’ve overstepped the mark.
“Why are you doing this?” she asks after a few moments.
“Doing what?”
“Being so nice. Wanting to take care of Max.” Her eyes reveal nothing and it’s driving me a little nuts.
“I just want to help out. Does he play sports? I bet I can wear him out.”
Lily’s lips tremble, and her throat moves as she swallows hard. Are she and Max that short of anyone taking an interest in them? Are they really that alone?
“Adam, I can’t expect you to …” she whispers.
To hell with scaring her. I reach across the table and place my hand on hers. Touching her brings a peace to my soul long since gone. In that sliver of a moment before she pulls her hand away, I know I’m where I need to be.
“No expectations. I like spending time with you two.” Is it so wrong to want to rewind the clock and pick up where we left off? Before it fell apart? It’s hard not to get my hopes up when the woman I always wanted sits across the table from me, even if the distance between us is massive.
“I just don’t know if it’s a good idea.”
“Why not?”
She drops her head as she bends down to pick up her bag from the floor, ignoring my question.
“Lily?”
“Let’s just get back. I’ve got things to do.”
Despite my telling her I’d pay for lunch, she heads straight for the cash register and pulls out her purse. Exasperated, I run my fingers through
my hair and shake my head. Every so often I feel as if nothing’s changed, that we’re close and she’s open to me. We used to share everything. Then she turns her back and I’m lost, floating in a sea of uncertainty. It irritates the crap out of me, and only leaves me wanting more.
As she goes to hand over her card, I reach over her head and place my credit card in the cashier’s hand. Lily’s so close I can smell her perfume—another inch and I’d be pressed against her. The thought of that wakes an urge in me, and I have to focus on the transaction to push it out of my head. There’s no denying I want her.
“Adam.” I don’t have to see her face to know she’s pouting.
“I said I was going to pay for it. Stop being cranky.”
The cashier hands me back my card, and I smile at Lily until the waitress brings out the doggy bag for Max.
“Happy?” I ask.
“You’re infuriating.” She’s suppressing a smile as I hand her the container of food.
We walk back down the road toward Callahans and my waiting car. On the way we stop at a small electronics store so I can buy a phone. It’s an older iPhone, but it’s a decent price and it’ll do the job. The whole time Lily keeps her distance and doesn’t look at me.
“What’s going on?” I ask as we draw close to the car.
“What do you mean?”
“Is it so bad that I want to spend time with you and Max?”
She stops and turns toward me. “I don’t know. You’ve just been gone for so long. I know why you came home, but why you’re taking such an interest is beyond me.” She sighs. “It’s confusing.”
“I’ve been confused for years.”
Lily reaches up and rests her palm on my cheek. The touch confuses and soothes me all at once. “So have I.” Her eyes tell a story of her confusion and fear. They’re still so dead compared to how she used to be.
“Then let’s help each other work this out,” I say softly.
She drops her hand. “I don’t know. Maybe. It’s a lot to take in.”
Turning back, she sets off again, and I sigh before following.
Whatever happens, this is going to take some time.
