She Loves You, She Loves You Not...

by Julie Anne Peters

  “Which is?”

  She pivots. “Sail around the world. See places I’ve always wanted to see. There’s a yearlong cruise that I’ve been looking into. It stops in two hundred forty-two ports in sixty-two countries.”

  Leaving me where? I try to sound enthusiastic when I say, “How cool.”

  “You’d go with me, of course.”

  “What?” I jump up and throw my arms around Carly. “Oh my God.” We’ll start fresh, new. We’ll leave the past behind and sail away into the future. I can finally move on. “Thank you, Carly.” Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  I can’t go. It’s impossible. I still have a year of high school to finish, and I don’t want to travel around the world. Maybe someday, but not yet. I just want one place to call home. I like it here in Majestic; love it, in fact. For the first time, I feel I am making my own choices and decisions.

  When I tell Carly the next morning, she says, “Are you sure?”

  “I am.”

  She pooches her lips. “I hate to go by myself.”

  “Take Mitchell.”

  She screws up her face. I guess I know what that means.

  “Take Geena. You two have fun together.”

  Carly fixes on my face. “Are you absolutely sure, Alyssa? You won’t think I’m abandoning you again?”

  I click my tongue. “Go. You deserve it.”

  “I do.” She smiles. “I work hard for a living. I should go now, while I still have my youth.”

  While I can still party is what she really means.

  “There is one thing,” I say. “It’s something you said about talking to Dad. Letting him know how I feel. I think I need to do that in person. I know you’ve already given me eight hundred dollars—”

  “I’ll buy you a plane ticket. Just tell me when.”

  I need a day or two to work up the nerve. To warn Tanith. “Maybe Friday? And I promise to pay you back every penny of that eight hundred dollars. Eventually.”

  Carly comes over and presses my head to her chest. “I know you will. And if you don’t, hell, it’s only money. I could make that much tricking in one night.”

  I look up at her and she laughs. We both do.

  There must be some hidden meaning in people always giving me shoes. Like that saying “Walk a mile in my shoes”? My mystery Crocs feel weightless as I make my way down the plank sidewalk to the Egg Drop-In to check out the destruction. “Alyssa?” a voice sounds behind me.

  It’s Timber Toes, from the book swap. I have to shield my eyes from the sun, she’s so tall.

  “I heard about the house and your car accident. I’m so sorry. Are you and Carly all right?”

  “Yeah. We’re fine. Thank you for asking.” I hold my arm in the sling closer to my chest.

  She says, “It’s going to take Arlo a while to get back on his feet. I mean”—she winces—“get his place in order. If you’d like to work at the Emporium until he has his restaurant up and running, I could use the help. Fortunately, we were spared a lot of water damage because we’re on the west end of town.”

  She’s nice. I misjudged her. It’s a bad habit that I need to work on. “I love to read,” I tell her.

  Her eyes light up. “Me too. My partner, Vickie, and I have a feminist book club that meets once a month. Maybe you’d like to join.”

  Her partner? “Uh, yeah. That’d be cool.” My gaydar is totally on the fritz.

  “Well, say hi to your mom.” Timber Toes smiles kindly. “Poor thing. She’s endured a lot.”

  “She has.”

  “She’s a real survivor.”

  She crosses the street and waves.

  I vow to find out her name. In fact, I’m going to learn everyone’s names—and their business. Business that’s none of my business. I make my way to the Egg Drop parking lot, and it’s still a swamp. Arlo ambushes me at the back door. “Where have you been? You were scheduled to work today.”

  He has to be kidding. The water’s gone down, but there’s mud everywhere, a thick layer on the floor, dirty water lines all around the perimeter of the walls. Arlo tosses me a wet sponge, which I catch with my good hand. “Heard about the house. How’s Carly taking it?”

  “Guess,” I say.

  “She’s leaving the mess for someone else to clean up?”

  “She’s just leaving. Moving objects, you know.”

  Arlo nods. “What about you?”

  “I’m staying. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

  Does he look happy? Relieved? Probably because he’ll still have slave labor.

  “Where do you want me to start?” I ask.

  “The john,” Arlo says. “People are going to be needing it.”

  My favorite job.

  He calls at my back, “And use bleach so we don’t get mold.”

  Mold. It’s a digestive aid.

  God, I hope the memory of Finn fades faster than Sarah’s. I see Finn’s bike is gone, if it was ever here. It all feels like a nightmare I’m never going to wake up from.

  Arlo calls louder to me, “If you need a place to stay, I’ll set up a cot here at Chez Cripple. That’ll get tongues wagging.”

  I hadn’t thought that far ahead. “Thanks.”

  The front bell tinkles, and a herd of footsteps thunder into the dining room. I stick my head out of the restroom to see who it is. Everyone. Like, everyone who’s ever eaten here. Rufus drags in the biggest Shop-Vac I’ve ever seen. “Sheesh,” he goes. “You think it’s worth cleaning up this dump, Arlo, or you just want to demo the place and start from scratch?”

  Arlo says, “Aw, it ain’t a total loss. And, thanks. I really appreciate your help.”

  Someone says, “Hey, we’re family. And we’re effing hungry.”

  I smile and go back to scouring, feeling part of it all, this town, this family. It’s a totally awesome feeling.

  Chapter

  25

  “Booger brain,” I hear a kid yell in the airport concourse. Paulie. Even from a distance, I can see he’s grown taller. Beside him, Tanith waves. Paulie runs up to hug me, and then he notices the sling.

  “It’s okay.” I hug him hard with my one arm. He smells like sand and surf and boy sweat.

  Tanith says, “We’re so glad you’re safe and sound.”

  Am I sound?

  She answers my unspoken question. “He had to work today.”

  Sure he did.

  We head down the concourse, and I take Paulie’s hand. I don’t care if it disgusts him to be seen holding hands with his sister. “I missed you, bat breath.”

  “You too.” His face is freckled and tan, and his hair is bleached by the sun. Paulie babbles about their vacation, how cold the Gulf water was this year, how great the waves were for body surfing. He and Dad had gone out on a catamaran.

  Paulie says, “Now that you’re home, we can go to the beach every day.”

  I look at Tanith, but she’s avoiding my eyes. She didn’t tell him. She starts rambling about shopping to replace all the clothes I lost, and buying me winter gear, but her words sieve through my brain. What will I say when I see Dad? Am I capable of confronting him?

  We drive by the mall where M’Chelle and Ben and I hung out. Where I bought Sarah’s ring. We pass Gracie Field, where teams are playing baseball. The dugout and shed. Starbucks.

  Surprisingly, I don’t feel sad. I don’t feel anything.

  I can’t wait to get out of here.

  My room is tidied, disinfected. The smell of Pine-Sol lingers in the air as I empty the contents of my small backpack onto the bed. The iPhone. A few essentials Carly picked up for me. The closet door isn’t shut, and I see it—the box from Sarah.

  I drag it over, intending to haul it to the trash can out back, but the top flap is open, and there’s a note on top.

  Tanith never mentioned the note. She had to have read it; it’s not even folded.

  I sit cross-legged on the floor.

  DEAR ALYSSA,

  I’M SORRY. I J
UST DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT YET. I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM OR WHAT I AM. I KNOW YOU CAN NEVER FORGIVE ME.

  SARAH

  P.S. I DID LOVE YOU.

  I stare at her admission. It barely fazes me. Maybe the meltdown will come later, but I don’t think so. Why do I choose these girls who don’t know who they are or what they want?

  Paulie flings open the door and barrels in. “I brought these back for you.” He flops on the mattress and dumps out a pail of seashells.

  On the bed, we immediately begin to sort through the shells.

  “How’d you know I’d be back?” I ask him.

  “Guitar Hero.”

  What a peanut head.

  “Which one’s your favorite?” he asks.

  No contest. I pick up the perfect sand dollar. The zigzag etchings resemble Native American art, and my thoughts drift back to Finn.

  Where is she now? I wonder. Finn’s on her own journey, and I know how frightening it can be when you’re first coming out to yourself. You don’t want to be different. You don’t know how people will react. You want to believe it doesn’t matter what others think, but it does. I want to believe I’m a forgiving person. I think that’s within my power to decide. I’m not angry with Finn. Anger eats you up inside and eventually turns to hate. Then self-hatred. I can’t live that way, and I never want to.

  The sand dollar is delicate. I rub my thumb across the pattern and wonder how far it traveled. How long it was adrift before it found its way to me.

  Paulie says, “These new people moved in down the street, and they have a kid my age who’s into video games.”

  “Yeah? Cool.” Paulie needs a friend.

  He adds, “She’s a girl,” and sticks out his tongue halfway.

  I give him a noogie on the head. “Don’t be sexist.”

  “I’m not. She already beat me twice at Madden.”

  I laugh. Headlights split the dark outside my window, and I peer over the sill to see Dad pulling into the driveway. My stomach clenches. The garage door rolls up, and he disappears inside.

  I cringe at Paulie.

  He rests a paw on my shoulder and says, “No worries, sis. I’ve got your back.”

  Who’s got my front? I almost say.

  Dad doesn’t come upstairs. An hour passes, and Paulie goes to bed. I sit in the dark waiting to hear footsteps, creaking floorboards. At last, a tread squeaks.

  I swing off the edge of the mattress and pad to the door.

  Dad’s head is down as he reaches the top step. He either sees or senses me. His eyes rise.

  I tender a smile.

  His gaze sweeps down my body and fuses to the sling. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah. Nothing broken.” Except us, I want to add.

  He turns around and walks back down the stairs. I hear his office door close.

  No, not this time. He won’t shut me out. I go down the stairs and knock on his door. He says, “Who is it?”

  “Me,” I answer.

  He doesn’t say come in. After a long second, he goes, “I’m busy.”

  Bastard. He’s going to hear me out whether he wants to or not. I open the door and enter, closing it behind me.

  He’s sitting at his desk in the dark, his back to me, and I switch on the overhead light. He swivels in his chair, blinking, then swivels back around.

  “First I want to say I love you. You’re my father, and I’ll always be your daughter.”

  “No,” he goes. “I don’t know who you are, but you don’t belong to me.”

  Don’t cry, I think. Get through this. “You need to know how difficult you’ve made it for me to be honest with you. I know you hate gays, so I couldn’t tell you I was one. But I’ve known since I was thirteen.”

  “You can’t know. You’re a child.”

  “I’m seventeen. I knew then, and I know now.”

  He twists his head around, and his eyes are slits. I feel his hatred seep through my skin. My hands are shaking so hard that I have to cling to the door handle behind me, and I’m trying to control the trembling in my voice. “Do you know what it feels like to have to lie and hide the truth about yourself every single day? All I ever wanted was to come out to you and have you love and support me.”

  He mumbles something under his breath, and I say, “What?”

  He says louder, “I don’t. I never will.”

  “I can’t change who I am, Dad.”

  He doesn’t respond to that. And now, I think, this conversation is over.

  I go to exit and see the Newton’s swing on his sideboard. I pull out two balls and release them as hard as possible, and the opposite two balls go flying. The clacking of the balls still reverberates as I close the door behind me.

  In the foyer I nearly collapse because my knees feel so weak. But a tiny spark of pride glints inside me. I did it. I came out to my father. He may never understand or accept me for who I am, but you know what? That’s his choice. I only hope I can accept him for who he is.

  Tanith’s sitting out on the porch when I tiptoe downstairs in the morning. It’s early, and I don’t care to wake the sleeping monster. I curl into a wicker chair opposite her and say, “Do you want me to tell Paulie?”

  She shakes her head. “It’s my responsibility.”

  “I don’t mind. Maybe if he heard it from me…”

  Tears overflow the rims of Tanith’s eyes, and I see she’s got a wadded-up Kleenex in her hand.

  “It’s not your fault,” I tell her.

  “I don’t know how he could turn his back on you like this. It’s just so cruel.” She dabs her eyes.

  I go over to her and sit on the armrest, looping my arm around her shoulders. “I love you, you know.” She needs to hear that because it’s true. I’ve never told her how much I appreciate her. She’s always been there. Not a day went by when I didn’t know Tanith would be there to take care of me. “You’ve been more of a mother to me than my own mother. I’m sorry I’ve been such a pain in the ass.”

  “Oh, Alyssa…”

  Tanith leans into me, and I rub her arm. I feel bad for her, caught in the middle. She blows her nose and composes herself. “I talked to Carly today and made all the arrangements.” Tanith tells me I’ll be living at Geena’s, house-sitting, until Carly and Geena return from their cruise. “Since you’re not eighteen, I told Carly you’d need a guardian.”

  “I can take care of myself,” I say.

  “You still need a legal guardian. She said she had someone in mind.”

  Oh, great. I’ll be under the watchful eye of Mitchell, the cop.

  “Are you packed? We should head out to the airport soon,” Tanith says, standing.

  I embrace her. We stand for a long minute, hugging and rocking each other. I think we both wish we could make up for the past, but what’s done is done. We have to move forward.

  She says, “I’m going up to tell Paulie now.”

  “I’m going with you.”

  She opens her mouth as if to protest but doesn’t. If he starts crying, I will too, and so will Tanith, and we’ll flood the house with tears.

  We don’t have to tell Paulie. He’s standing at my bedroom door, staring at the suitcases packed with all my stuff. He turns slowly, his eyes moving up to meet mine. He gets that same look on his face that Dad cut me with and says, “I hate you.” He tries to storm past me, but I clench his wrist and he goes limp. Hanging his head, he bursts into tears.

  I look to Tanith, and she squats down beside him. “Paulie, you’ll see Alyssa all the time. She’ll come home for holidays. Right?” She glances up at me.

  “Absolutely,” I say.

  “And I already have a trip to Colorado planned. I’ve been dying to learn how to ski. You want to ski, right?”

  Paulie doesn’t reply.

  “I’ll call you every week.” I tousle his hair. “We’ll e-mail.”

  “It won’t be the same,” he says with a sob.

  “No.” It won’t. But it’s what I have to do.
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  The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, claim my independence. Redefine my family. I envelop both of them in my arms and choke out, “I love you guys so much.”

  I bend down to tie my new Nikes, ones I bought myself, and Carly says, “I hate leaving you here in Majestic all alone.”

  “I’m not alone.” As if on cue, Boner groans from under the coffee table. “Everyone in town is my new best friend.”

  Carly says, “That’s the truth. You’re like the town mascot.”

  I think, More like the adopted daughter.

  Carly’s sitting on Geena’s flowery sofa, paging through the pamphlet for her cruise.

  “Well, I better get going. If I’m one minute late, Arlo has a hissy fit.”

  “Oh, did I tell you? He’s agreed to be your guardian.”

  “What?” I wasn’t going to mention the guardian thing, in case Carly had forgotten. Arlo. Hmm. That is going to be interesting.

  “Alyssa?” Carly glances up and meets my eyes. “I just want you to be happy. That’s all I ever wanted for you. I figured leaving you with your dad was the best I could do for you at the time. Who knew he’d turn out to be such an asshole?”

  Yeah, who knew? “I want you to be happy too.” Everyone should just be happy. “I’ll see you later,” I say, but Carly’s already refocused on her cruise.

  After being closed for repairs the last week, the Egg Drop-In is back to normal. In fact, with a clean coat of paint and new linoleum, the place is all spruced up.

  I grab my cap off the rack and hear Arlo say, “Unload the supplies before you put out the pastries.”

  “Good morning to you too.” I skirt the counter and almost collide with her. I can’t speak, can’t breathe.

  Finn says, “Hi.”

  I look from her to the swinging café doors and then back to her. “What are you doing here?” I ask.

  Arlo yells, “Did you hear me, Finn?”

  She shouts, “They heard you in Frisco.” To me, she says, “Working.”

  “Since when?”

  “Since I came back. Since I heard you—”

  “Alyssa. I need you to help me prep,” Arlo barks. “Get those damn supplies unloaded, Finn.”