The Armchair Detective and the Logical Problem: Series Two

by Ian Shimwell

  TRENCH: Please, I need someone to keep an eye on the Handy Bank. If it isn’t a normal bank, what is it? You could find out something by just staying here for a bit longer. I’d be very grateful.

  DEBSY: How grateful?

  TRENCH: If you get stuck finishing your logic thingy, I’ll seek Old Tom’s expert advice on it for you.

  DEBSY: You would do that for me? Wow. Oh go on then – but as soon as I start losing the feeling in my toes, I’m off – back to the warm office – understood?

  TRENCH: It’s a deal.

  (Quirky music changes the scene.)

  WILLIAMS: Have a seat, Trench. I’d be blown as to how you discovered where I lived, though.

  TRENCH: Your trainee, Mr Williams, let it slip.

  WILLIAMS: I’ll be having words with him – but now you are here, what can I do for you?

  TRENCH: It’s Greg Hyde himself who I’ve come to talk about.

  WILLIAMS: I’ve no complaints about him.

  TRENCH: Do you know he has a criminal record for robbing banks, no less?

  WILLIAMS: Yes, of course I knew that.

  TRENCH: And don’t you think that’s odd in anyway? A bank robber working in a bank?

  WILLIAMS: Yes, I can see the irony – but like everyone else, the Handy Bank has its quota of rehabilitated felons to employ. These days, you just can’t discriminate…

  TRENCH: Forgive and forget? Give people a second chance?

  WILLIAMS: Yes, that’s the sort of thing. In a way, Greg can improve our security even further. Who’s the best man to prevent the bank being robbed? Why, someone who’s already robbed a bank, that’s who. Don’t you approve?

  TRENCH: I just hope you don’t live to regret it. Do you know he is seeing Valeria, a local girl from the council estate?

  WILLIAMS: No I don’t, but I cannot honestly see what business that is of mine or yours, come to that.

  TRENCH: Quite right – I commend and respect your loyalty. (Then says quietly to himself:) However misplaced. (Then says normally:) Mr Williams, the Handy Bank isn’t really a bank at all, is it?

  WILLIAMS: I’ll grant you it’s not your normal sort of bank – but it is still a bank of sorts.

  TRENCH: What sort of bank is it then?

  WILLIAMS: I know you are a reporter, Trench – but even you should realise that something’s are best left out of the public domain. As a matter of interest, this site also housed a different kind of bank an awful long time ago.

  TRENCH: Fascinating, but you’re not going to tell me about your present banking system, are you?

  WILLIAMS: I’m afraid not. Nothing personal, you understand.

  TRENCH; I’d better be off – thank-you for your time though.

  (TRENCH gets up to leave, and walks into the hall.)

  WILLIAMS: Goodbye, Trench.

  TRENCH: Two suitcases by the door – I must have missed them when I came in. Going on holiday?

  WILLIAMS: Yes, I’ll be shortly off on a long holiday to America.

  TRENCH: Hence, the big cases. Bye then.

  WILLIAMS: Likewise.

  (The front door closes. TRENCH starts to walk out.)

  TRENCH: Which leaves Greg Hyde in charge all on his own…

  (Thoughtful music changes scene.)

  (TRENCH and DEBSY are occasionally tapping away at their keyboards.)

  TRENCH: So, Debs did you find out anything useful?

  DEBSY: Only that Harry is with Louise but, for the life of me, I can’t work out if Louise is his mother or wife!

  TRENCH: Subtle difference, I think.

  DEBSY: And then there’s Georgina to think about. Why did I even start these logic problems? Even Editor Law is stumped on this one. Just remember your promise about asking for Old Tom’s help.

  TRENCH: All right, but I did actually mean your brave vigil in the cold, outside the bank that keeps saying ‘no’.

  DEBSY: I have a few questions first.

  TRENCH: Fire away, Debsy – but only if they’ve nothing to do with your Logic Problem.

  DEBSY: Is Valeria the Doctor Jekyll to Greg’s Mr Hyde? And does Mr Williams get banker’s cramp?

  TRENCH: Finished?

  DEBSY: Err, yes – for the moment.

  TRENCH: Good, now about your vigil…

  DEBSY: Yes, I was stood for one whole hour freezing my pom poms off – and… not a thing happened.

  TRENCH: That’s disappointing. Nothing, nothing at all?

  DEBSY: Well, nothing until I turned to go and a very interesting armoured vehicle arrived at the bank.

  TRENCH: Interesting in what way?

  DEBSY: From the legend displayed on it – it was clear the vehicle had come direct from the Royal Mint.

  TRENCH: I think we should go there right away.

  DEBSY: Where, the Royal Mint?

  TRENCH: No, the Handy Bank. With digging at the Harris’ going on and suspicious deliveries arriving at the bank, I think something big is about to happen. Come on!

  (Fast-paced music changes the scene.)

  (We hear the police cars and sirens in the background.)

  TRENCH: Police cars have already surrounded the bank – we may be too late. Debsy, come on.

  DEBSY: I am coming on – and if we’re already too late, there’s no point in rushing. But I will anyway.

  (DEBSY and TRENCH dash to the Handy Bank and walk inside. We can hear the police inside and the background sounds of their walkie-talkies.)

  TRENCH: Sergeant Strong.

  SERGEANT STRONG: Yes, hello Trench – and the delightful Debsy.

  DEBSY: Charmed, I’m sure.

  TRENCH: Dare I ask, what’s happened here?

  SERGEANT STRONG: I know I’m not supposed to – and this is strictly off the record for now – but I’ll show you.

  (They walk through the bank.)

  TRENCH: We’re in Williams’ office.

  DEBSY: Lovely painting, by the way.

  SERGEANT STRONG: Watch this.

  (SERGEANT STRONG presses a buzzer and we hear a swish, sliding sound.)

  DEBSY: Oh no, the lovely painting has slid away.

  TRENCH: Revealing a safe-like door.

  SERGEANT STRONG: A very strong, Strong Room, if you like.

  DEBSY: Well said, Sergeant Strong.

  (We hear SERGEANT STRONG struggle to open the heavy, vault door with keys and turning wheels.)

  SERGEANT STRONG: Follow me.

  (They step into the vault.)

  DEBSY: I’ve never seen so much money.

  TRENCH: Must be millions upon millions.

  SERGEANT STRONG: Something like that, Trench. The so-called Handy Bank is actually one of the few holding banks in the country.

  DEBSY: For the Royal Mint?

  SERGEANT STRONG: Yes, Debra. It is sometimes necessary to store huge amounts of cash to keep inflation down, apparently.

  DEBSY: A way of securely keeping sums of money out of circulation.

  SERGEANT STRONG: Although this site has been disused for some time, the vault itself was used to store the gold bullion ingots that paid off our country’s war debt to America.

  TRENCH: That’s funny, Harris knew about the gold… But, what’s the problem here? All the money seems safe.

  SERGEANT STRONG: Would you care to look in the far corner?

  TRENCH: There’s nothing in that corner.

  SERGEANT STRONG: Exactly. Around two million pounds should be there – but it’s not – the money has been stolen.

  (We hear TRENCH stepping around very loudly.)

  DEBSY: Trench, what in the name of International Monetary Union are you doing?

  TRENCH: Just looking for tunnels…

  SERGEANT STRONG: We have spoken to the Bank Manager, a Mr Williams who informed us that his trainee , a Mr Greg Hyde, has fled – disappeared. Knowing his previous, he’ll have taken the loot with him, wherever he may be.

  TRENCH: And I have a strong suspicion where – but first, I must have a chat!

  (Spirallin
g music changes the scene.)

  OLD TOM: You have given me a lot to think about, Trench – and not just Debsy’s Logic Problem!

  TRENCH: So, as you said, all the Royal Mint’s money has gone – well, at least a corner of it. Greg and Valeria were probably out on the other side of the tunnel like rabbits. They might even be abroad or well on their way with more money than they’ll ever have time to spend…

  OLD TOM: Mm, abroad – possibly… just like the gold bars to America all them years ago, perhaps..?

  TRENCH: Not quite… This is one case, old timer, we have finally lost. The crooks have got away with it – bound to happen eventually, I suppose…

  OLD TOM: Case… of course – that’s it!

  TRENCH: Is it?

  OLD TOM: I beg to differ, young Trench – this ‘case’ is not quite over just yet…

  TRENCH: Really? Please put me out of my misery then – and explain.

  OLD TOM: My observational deduction process is, even though I say it myself, excellent – but it isn’t perfect. Sometimes, but only sometimes, connections can be sensibly deduced without really being there.

  TRENCH: You mean when two and two make five?

  OLD TOM: In layman’s terms, yes. When all else fails, turn to Debsy,

  TRENCH: (Says incredulously:) Debsy?

  OLD TOM: When observational deduction struggles to find the right answers, may we not turn to logic? Forget the sideshow clues, Trench – look at the facts. Treat the mystery purely as one of Debsy’s Logic Problems.

  TRENCH: Brilliant! All right, I will. The bank has been robbed, but there was no sign of any tunnel reaching the vault.

  OLD TOM: Good – and remember good old noisy stroke quiet Mr Harris is a Cold War enthusiast…

  TRENCH: An ex-bank robber has fled the scene of the crime.

  OLD TOM: Remember what I said about sideshow clues – they can lead you up the garden path. Now, come on – think, Trench think.

  TRENCH: Using the Logic Problem process… Yes, of course – it has finally sunk in.

  OLD TOM: And this, Trench, is what I think you should do about it…

  (Intriguing music changes scene.)

  (TRENCH knocks on the door. After a few moments, the door opens.)

  WILLIAMS: Trench, what are you doing here again? Anyway, I can’t stop – I’ll be late for my flight.

  TRENCH: It’s about your luggage, Mr Williams – I’ve brought help.

  WILLIAMS: It’s all right, I can manage.

  TRENCH: But I insist, and I have brought a friend to help you.

  WILLIAMS: Greg Hyde – but you should be… Not a chance, I’m not trusting a bank robber carrying my cases.

  GREG HYDE: Thanks for the vote of confidence, boss.

  TRENCH: But, Williams, you were perfectly willing to let him run your bank, how strange. Debsy, do your stuff.

  DEBSY: I’ll carry your bags then.

  WILLIAMS; No, you don’t.

  (We hear a struggle as DEBSY and WILLIAMS scramble for control of the luggage. One of the bags falls and flies open.)

  TRENCH: The missing money – and plenty of it. I think that for you, Mr Williams the Handy Bank was simply far too handy for you to resist…

  WILLIAMS: All right, we can share the money. We can all be rich.

  GREG HYDE: I’m afraid not, sir. That sort of rich ends up with you being inside for an awful long time. Trust me, I know. But thanks for trying to drop me in it, though.

  TRENCH: And besides, Debsy would only spend it on even more Logic Problems.

  DEBSY: Now, I am tempted!

  TRENCH: Mr Williams, may I introduce you to Sergeant Strong and members of the local constabulary. I am sure that they will definitely assist you with your cases…

  (WILLIAMS pats his jacket.)

  WILLIAMS: I’d forgotten my passport, anyway…

  (Mystery music wraps this scene up.)

  OLD TOM: More tea, dear?

  TRENCH: Oh, go on then.

  (OLD TOM pours the tea.)

  TRENCH: Before, old friend, you connected the money in the vault to belonging to the Royal Mint. I hadn’t even mentioned Debsy’s observation about the armoured vehicle delivery – so how did you know?

  OLD TOM: I didn’t know, Trench – I deduced, it is what I do. When you described the sheer volume of cast stored in the vault, it could only be the Royal Mint which has that much paper notes to spare – and besides, we knew the Handy Bank wasn’t a real bank. So, if it was not real, so to speak, what was its purpose?

  TRENCH: A very minty warehouse!

  OLD TOM: Would you like some Christmas cake?

  TRENCH: You do know it’s nearly Easter, don’t you?

  OLD TOM: Oh, it was far too fresh at Christmas – that’s the previous year’s Christmas, of course. Fancy a slice?

  TRENCH: If I must.

  OLD TOM: Pass me that rusty-looking tin.

  TRENCH: This? Here.

  (TRENCH passes the tin to OLD TOM who opens it and passes a piece of cake to TRENCH – and to himself. They munch on the cake for a few moments.)

  TRENCH: This cake’s predictably soft and stale, and kind of crusty at the edges – but it still hits the spot. So, just to make it crystal clear in my head, at least – would you care to explain your deductive, err I mean logical reasoning on this case?

  OLD TOM: Case? That was of course the word that provided the breakthrough.

  TRENCH: Case as in luggage, you mean?

  OLD TOM: Yes, thanks Trench for that vital clue.

  TRENCH: Oh, it’s all right.

  OLD TOM: As for the logical process… Well, we were becoming desperately bogged down with all the clues and connections. Too many clues, too many connections, in fact. We deduced that Harris was digging a tunnel, hence the loud music to hide the noise when he needed to. His daughter Valeria’s lover was Greg Hyde, a trainee manager at the bank around the corner who was an ex-bank robber!

  TRENCH: It’s so dreadfully easy to make the obvious connection: Harris home – tunnel – bank robber – bank. Only that wasn’t quite right, was it?

  OLD TOM: Far from it. Another important clue was Harris’ Cold War preoccupation, and the residue of sand on his hand, you noticed, when he shook yours.

  TRENCH: Sand, I don’t understand?

  OLD TOM: Sand is an excellent protective insulator for a… Nuclear Shelter, for example.

  TRENCH: Unbelievable – and that’s before I told you that Greg and Valeria persuaded her Dad, Harris to let us – me and Debsy that is – to take another, this time proper, look. Harris proudly showed us down the dark tunnel to the gleaming Nuclear War bunker. Completely self-sufficient and with a ventilating capacity for around two months.

  OLD TOM: After which, the radiation from Harris’ supposed nuclear attack from Russia should have subsided to acceptable levels. The shelter is likely to have been built directly under the bank – for additional protection.

  TRENCH: That’s handy!

  OLD TOM: When Williams initially employed Greg Hyde – his get-rich-quick plot must have already been forming. It’s probably why he gave him the job in the first place.

  TRENCH: Who better to blame a bank robbery on than a bank robber?

  OLD TOM: Exactly – and when Williams found out about Cold War obsessive, Harris’ scheme – through Greg no doubt – then even better.

  TRENCH: Yes, it was Williams who told the police that Greg had fled the scene of the crime with the loot, naturally.

  OLD TOM: But, of course, he knew that Mr Hyde had, perhaps reluctantly, agreed to spend a few days in the shelter as a try out, a test. I am sure Greg would have done that simply to please Valeria who was always willing to indulge her father’s eccentricities, perhaps as her mother had abandoned her when she was so young.

  TRENCH: Harris might be a bit odd, but at least he stuck by her…

  OLD TOM: And returning to logic – there was no tunnel through to the vault and the only person who could have penetrated the bank’s complex se
curity system… would be the manager himself. It was ironic really, Williams nearly took his bags of riches over the Atlantic, unwittingly mirroring the journey of the American gold so many years ago…

  (There is a brief moment of silent contemplation.)

  TRENCH: So, the armchair detective has solved the logical problem…

  OLD TOM: Almost, very nearly – but not quite…

  TRENCH: Meaning..?

  OLD TOM: Looking at the clues really logically… Louise is Harry’s mother. Derek is married to Georgina – and they were the ones who had the longest wait to drive home!

  TRENCH: The Logic Problem solution! Debsy will be chuffed. She’ll probably ask me to pass on her gratitude so, Old Tom, do you have a message for her?

  OLD TOM: Oh yes Trench, I do. Inform Debsy there is one thing that I dislike above anything else.

  TRENCH: And… err what’s that?

  OLD TOM: Logic!

  CLOSING MYSTERY MUSIC

  NEXT: The Armchair Detective and the Castle of Mandrake Part One

  Read more…

  Read Debsy Does a Logic Problem, a ‘sideways glance’ which is intended to accompany and compliment this script in an original and thought-provoking way.

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