by Fiona Murphy
His lips go together as his face hardens. “Sometimes, I forget what chauvinistic bastards the military turns out. You know that’s bullshit right?”
“On the face of it, yes. At the time, I was pissed, I hated my father. There I was, being told in school an education was the way to make what you want happen. Almost out of a need to prove him wrong I worked harder in school, really threw myself into it. Later, he came around, he saw I needed to keep learning, that I actually liked learning.
“Still, even with everything I learned, I had no idea what I wanted to do with it. Like I said before, I did want to teach, to connect and be a positive influence with kids, but beyond—that nothing. No aspirations to be a doctor or lawyer or anything like that.”
“Are you sure you don’t still want to be a teacher?”
“No, I know I would grow to resent it. I like what you talked about, the flexibility to work when I want how I want. I’m sure if I put it to use I should have a few years under my belt at a big firm but it wouldn’t be a life-long thing.”
“I’m glad. You know you never talk about your family much. Your dad sounds like a peach. Are you not close with your mom or your brothers?”
“Not really. My dad, he just, I don’t know. This is horrible, but he’s the epitome of what I don’t want. Gives orders, demands blind obedience, he’s from something out of the fifties. My mom was to take care of the kids and cook and keep a spotless home. He took pride in the fact he never changed a single diaper or gave us a bottle. Growing up, I felt like I was the oops baby they had no idea what to do with. Then, when I became a book worm and into school, they really didn’t know what to make of me. There was no pride in my school accomplishments, the focus was all about my brothers athletic feats. By the time I was sixteen, it clicked—I just didn’t fit, didn’t see life the same ways as they did. Considering my mom was such a doormat, who only did as my dad said, I lost respect for her. Especially when he went on and on about how, if I expected to land a man and get married I needed to lose weight. Men didn’t want to marry a fat woman. Fat girls were just there to be used. My mom never once told him to stop or defend me, just nodded along.
“Then there’s the whole shopaholic thing. My dad is supposed to retire next year, but they are freaking out because they’ll have to move from base housing and with their bills, they don’t know if they can afford it. I’m disappointed in her, that after so many years she can’t get it under control. I resent her, because even though it’s her own fault, I still care enough that it stresses me out to hear what they are going through. I resent the fuck out of that, and I resent her raising us to have such limited aspirations in life. My mom believed she had it good just because my father didn’t hit her or drink. With expectations so low, I pat myself on the back for just getting out of the environment without getting married and pregnant to do it.”
“Have you two ever talked about why she shops?”
“Kind of, she grew up beyond poor on a reservation, for years all she saw was what she didn’t have. When she married my father, in the beginning everything was great, they had money, she was simply happy going to the grocery store and being able to buy what she wanted. Then kids and moving every few years kicked in. It became her stress reliever, some people drink, she shops.”
“You still stay in touch. Do you ever think about not calling or picking up the phone?”
“Of course, especially when I first moved to Chicago. But my mom would call, sounding frantic, pleading with me to call her back. She sounded like she really cared. I couldn’t not call her. We talk every other week, our conversations only lasts about ten minutes or so. I talk to my dad at Christmas for about five minutes, that’s it. With my oldest brother, Michael, being active duty in the Marines we don’t really get to talk, we trade emails every few months. I felt closer to Fletcher, he’s only eighteen months older than I am. We got along really well, but when he turned eighteen, he took off to New York and I haven’t seen him since. He’s gay and I’m sure my parents didn’t want anything to do with him, but we never talk about what happened. We trade phone calls and texts about once a month, that’s about it though. He’s really busy, he’s a make-up artist for big magazines and he’s always traveling for work.”
“You haven’t been home since you left, have you?”
“No, and I’m okay with that.”
“I can understand. Come here, I need to hold you.”
We snuggle close. “Do you need anything else?”
“Sweetheart, I’m exhausted.”
“Just checking.” I murmur as I run my hand over his chest.
Catching my hand in his he kisses it before resting it flat on his chest. “Sleep, Holly.”
“Yes, Ethan.” And we do.
****
For the next few weeks, everything is great. Better than great, actually. Ethan started working from home on Saturday for just a few hours a day. I said nothing, instead, I tried to show him how happy I was. Because I really was, it meant everything to know he not only understood but that he wanted to make me happy. He got tiramisu and a very long sweet sucking when we went to bed.
Then I get the call. It’s the reminder call about needing my shot in a week. I tell the nurse I hate the shot and want to go on the pill instead. The nurse goes into a flurry of surprise, I’m not sure why. After stuttering, then asking for assistance from someone, she puts me on hold for so long I check a few times to make sure the call didn’t drop. Almost ten minutes later, she comes back on to tell me that if I want to go on the pill I’ll need to come in as soon as possible, so I would still be protected. They could squeeze me in tomorrow, if I came in as soon as they opened at eight. I check Ethan’s schedule and let them know I’d be there.
As we sit down to dinner, I tell Ethan, as I’ll need to leave a little before him to make it to my doctor’s office in Lincoln Park.
“I can prep your breakfast and leave it in the toaster oven for you.”
Ethan goes still. “Are you not protected right now?”
Oh, shit, it hadn’t crossed my mind. “I don’t know? I have to be, right? They know I got the shot because I’m having sex right now. I wasn’t due for the shot for another week.” Fear subsides as my stomach untwists. “Don’t you remember I had to wait a week for the shot? The pill had the same wait time. I’m sure it’s fine.”
He nods. “You’re right, I’m sure it’s fine. I’ll go with you tomorrow.”
The idea of Ethan in such an intimate setting with me causes an instant recoil. Him there with me in stirrups? “Really?”
“Yes, really. I’m still not happy you did the shot that caused you so much pain. I want to know the options, to make sure you go with the right thing.”
Remembering the pain I went through with the shot, and how concerned he was, I give in. “If it’s really how you want to spend your morning.”
“It is.”
“Okay, but if she puts me in a paper gown and stirrups then you’re in the waiting room.”
“Duly noted.” He presses a kiss to my forehead.
I’m not surprised that when I fall asleep on the couch, Ethan puts me to bed without instigating sex. In the morning, he’s quiet, almost withdrawn. He skips his workout so we can have breakfast together. The drive is quick, thanks to traffic flowing in the other direction. Ricky drops us off at the front of the building and lets us know he’ll be in the garage.
The receptionist takes one look at Ethan then becomes three times nicer than the last time I was here. She lets me know the first appointment isn’t here yet so I could go in the back in a few minutes. We’re barely seated for more than five minutes when a nurse calls my name. Ethan follows me, his hand taking mine.
“You want off the shot. Was there a problem with it?” The nurse asks, as she motions to the exam table.
“Yes, it caused horrible period pain I’ve never had before. While there was barely any bleeding, like I wanted, it’s not worth it.”
“Okay, that
has been a complaint in the past. You don’t want to have a period?”
The way she says it has me wondering if that’s an option. “Um, yeah, who wants one? Without the shot I had mild period pain I’d rather avoid.”
With a nod, she makes a notation on my file. “Understandable, it can be arranged if you want. I’m going to take some blood, we have to do a quick pregnancy test. It’s standard, remember? Don’t look so scared. You should still be protected by the shot, and as long as you start taking the pill today there shouldn’t be any time when you need other protection. A blood test will tell us if there’s even trace amounts of the pregnancy hormone when a urine test would miss it.” She takes my blood without much pain. “The doctor will be in to see you in a little bit.”
Ethan sits back. “I’m concerned about you not having a period. It doesn’t seem natural.”
“Can we let the doctor decide? It’s easy for you to shrug it off when I’m the one in pain. Then worried is it time to change my tampon, is it too soon to take more pain pills, have I ruined another pair of panties?” My voice is sharp. I’m annoyed at his opinion over something I feel he didn’t have a say in.
With a sigh, he shrugs. “Okay, if the doctor says it’s safe.”
I bite my tongue. His word of safe reminds me he’s concerned about me. His phone goes off with a text and he responds. We’re both quiet until the soft knock before the doctor comes.
She’s nice, thoughtful, and listens with only a glance at Ethan. “I understand not wanting to continue the shot. I am sorry it didn’t work for you. If you would rather not have a period, that isn’t a problem and it’s perfectly safe. I’ll prescribe a low dose pill. The only thing is that in the first few months you really can’t miss a pill. It’s actually safer than the shot, and you won’t take as long to get pregnant once you stop taking the pill, when you’re ready.”
“Works for me.”
“Okay, when you fill, they’ll give you three packets at a time. The instructions are to take the pill for three months then go a week without. However, you don’t have to if you don’t want. It’s up to you.” She’s writing out the prescription, when there’s a knock out the door.
The nurse opens the door. “The pregnancy test is negative.”
“That’s everything then. Here you go. Call if you need anything, and don’t forget your yearly. Any questions?”
I attempt to shrug off the disappointment that comes out of nowhere at the nurse’s words. Of course, it was negative, that was a good thing. Looking at Ethan, I’m surprised to see him looking dazed as he shakes his head. “No questions.”
“All right.” She’s hands me the prescription. I tuck it into my purse as she leaves.
Sliding off the table, I look at Ethan who is still seated. “Ethan?”
He looks up, seeing I’m looking down at him. He stands. “Ricky will take me to work then he’ll take you home.”
As we wait for the elevator, Ethan calls Ricky to let him know we’re ready. I can’t help but notice that Ethan hasn’t touched me once. He’s obviously thinking, and for some reason it’s making me nervous. The drive to his office feels like it takes ages, without a word from him. When the car stops at his office, it looks like he’s going to get out without a look at me.
“Ethan?” I reach out to stop him.
At last, he meets my eye, he looks startled. Leaning in, he kisses me softly. “Have a good day.” Then he’s gone, with the door closing lightly.
Sitting back, I can’t help but wonder what the hell is going on in his head.
Chapter Thirty
As Holly tells me, without blinking an eye, her doctor wants to see her immediately to change her birth control, ice skims down my back. Even Holly looks scared for a moment, until she thinks it through. I’m a little reassured by her thoughts, yet, still can’t shake a sliver of concern. I cling to her words. She couldn’t be pregnant, there isn’t a single sign, no morning sickness or aversions to smells, and her beautiful breasts haven’t changed. I’ll feel better, though, hearing it from the doctor directly. Only, I don’t say that when she questions me about going with her.
When she falls asleep in my arms, I study her body in the jeans and silky thin blouse she’s wearing. If anything, her body has become more toned, her stomach, while still soft, is no longer as rounded as it had once been. She’s still small to me, my hand covers her stomach completely. Even though we’ve never talked about it, I have no doubt she wants children. The way she talked about working with children... her face softened with longing. Holly would be an amazing mother, it’s easy to picture her not just holding a baby, but getting down on the floor with a toddler, either having tea parties or playing with cars while making all the right noises.
As I look around the condo, I couldn’t see a child playing here, the living room scattered with toys. For the first time, I’m not sure what I’m feeling, children have always been a no without even thinking about it. Yet, the idea of a miniature Holly with big brown eyes and chubby cheeks smiling at me in greeting has my chest feeling hollow. I carry her to bed, trying not to think about something that wasn’t even an option. Children meant commitment, no more twelve-hour days, and putting someone else before my needs. I’m not ready for any of it, I’m not sure if I ever will be.
The next morning, it feels like it takes forever until we arrive at the doctor’s office. I’m glad we’re shown to the back quickly, but it doesn’t seem safe—Holly not wanting to have a period. Checking the doctor online, I see she is highly degreed as well as respected. I trust in her assurance the continuous taking of the pill is safe for Holly. Then the nurse sticks her head back in the room and nonchalantly sends a kick into my chest. It shouldn’t have been a surprise, yet, I feel as if someone has torn off my arm then handed it back to me.
As I’m getting out of the car Holly stops me, I know she’s confused, so am I. All I can do is kiss her goodbye while I try to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me.
All I want to do is get to my office, except I don’t make it out of the elevator five steps before a receptionist stops me. “Sir, Ms. Barker would like to see you.”
Fuck, fine. With a nod, I head toward Karen’s office. Her door is open, which isn’t common for Karen. When she sees me, she waves me in. “Ethan, can you close the door? You have me worried this morning.”
My mind still in turmoil, I only shrug. “You wanted to see me?”
Karen gives me a long look. Despite her being one of the few partners I genuinely like and respect, I don’t fill the silence. Giving up, she sighs. “I am concerned about you not attending the Mimi Delancy opening in New York last month. Then you were MIA for the de Roux reopening a few weeks ago. There is an expectation for you to attend the important events your clients hold and which you had a part in.”
“You know I don’t like to travel, Mimi knows it as well. There’s a reason I have few clients in New York. Mimi understood about my not attending, she didn’t expect me to attend. During the de Roux reopening Holly wasn’t feeling well and I didn’t want to leave her alone. I made my apologies to Charles personally, he told me not to worry. He joked it was a good thing, he didn’t want to be billed for me being there.”
“And this has gone pretty much the way I expected it. We can say we discussed it and get on with the day. You will be there for the Bainbridge gala next week.” It’s not a question.
“Of course.” Fuck, I’d forgotten. Forcing a smile, I leave before she presses me any further.
In my office, I try to lose myself in work, except I can’t. Again, I’m back in the doctor’s office with the nurse off-handedly sending me into a tailspin. It should have been relief, only I’m far from feeling relief. Right now, I know I don’t want children, yet, what I had said to Holly I meant. A tomorrow without Holly isn’t something I even want to think about. Only now, the idea of Holly wanting a life with children makes it something I have to consider.
Chapter Thirty One
“Oh,
Holly, you look gorgeous. This one, this is the dress. Sexy without being slutty, exactly what Ethan likes.”
Even though I’m still worried the dress is too tight, showing the kind of cleavage I’ve never shown on purpose before, at Amelia’s words I know I’m giving in. I’m willing to do anything Ethan likes. For the last week he’s been by my side, yet his mind elsewhere. I can’t count the number of times I had to say his name more than once to get his attention. The only thing keeping me from freaking the fuck out is whatever is going on with Ethan during the day, at night his attention is still one hundred percent on me. If anything, he’s more ravenous than ever. Every night, as I drift off to sleep, his arms are wrapped tightly around me.
Giving in to the dress, I hand it over to a smiling Amelia then get dressed. I don’t want to know how much the dress costs. Ethan ordered Amelia to go with me to get what looked best and not look at the price tag. The more I was told about what she called a gala and Ethan called a party, the more I wanted to plead not to go. I’m afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing that reminds Ethan I’m just the cleaning woman. Yet, I don’t dare, as Ethan made it clear I was going. Amelia and I spend the rest of the day getting manicures, pedicures, and I get my hair cut while Amelia has them add highlights to her hair. When we’re done, I feel as if I’ve been buffed to a fine shine.
Despite Amelia’s reassurances, I’m still nervous the next day as I dress then very carefully do my makeup. Ethan had approved the dress last night when he got home. My stomach is still in knots as I step out of the bedroom. He’s having a drink while checking his phone, then he looks up. His eyes darken as he stands. “Holly, fuck, sweetheart, you make my cock ache. How the hell can you look as sexy in that as you do naked underneath me?”
