The Wedding Day

by Joanne Clancy

  Paul glanced at her sadly over the rim of his tea cup.

  "You look different," he said, attempting a weak smile as he took in her bohemian clothes.

  "I borrowed these from Ev," she explained, smoothing out the wrinkles in her long skirt.

  "They suit you," he said.

  They continued drinking their tea, neither of them knowing what to say to the other. Eventually, Nicole stood up.

  "I suppose I'd better pack," she said, heading towards the bedroom.

  "Do you need a hand?" Paul asked.

  "I think I'll manage." She was relieved to get away from him.

  She had lots of things that she'd planned to say to him, but she couldn't seem to find the words. He seemed sad and pathetic and instead of being angry she felt sorry for him.

  Nicole approached their bedroom with some trepidation. She dreaded seeing some trace of Simone in her old home.

  She opened the bedroom door cautiously and scanned the room for any evidence of Simone or some other woman. There was no evidence of any woman ever having slept there. She exhaled a deep sigh of relief.

  Paul's clothes were strewn around the floor and she was shocked to see an empty whiskey bottle by the bed. She shook herself.

  "He's not my problem anymore," she thought.

  She opened the bedroom window and breathed in the cool, crisp autumn air.

  Then she grabbed her suitcases from the huge sliding wardrobe and began to pack.

  "I'm sorry."

  Nicole was so engrossed in her thoughts that she hardly heard Paul's whisper from the door. She glanced up and saw him standing there.

  "I'm sorry," he repeated, watching her with an imploring expression on his face.

  His eyes were red. She knew that he'd been crying. He seemed so alone that it was all she could do to restrain herself from running to him and hugging him.

  She desperately wanted to tell him that everything would work out fine in the end, like she'd always told him before, but she couldn't do it to herself, not this time, not after everything he'd put her through.

  She deserved more than him. He'd broken the trust between them beyond repair, but what was worse than everything else was that she didn't think that she'd ever be able to forgive him.

  "Sorry." She repeated his words slowly, deliberately enunciating each letter, as if she was trying to figure out what the word actually meant.

  Anger burned inside her until she finally erupted.

  "I'm sorry too, Paul. I'm sorry that you cheated on me with my so-called friend. I'm sorry that you dumped me at the altar on my wedding day. I'm sorry that you publicly humiliated me in front of our family and friends. I'm sorry that you ruined my entire life."

  The angry knot in the pit of her stomach was starting to unfold. Paul stood there, staring at her, opening and closing his mouth. He looked like a fish out of water.

  Nicole had never raised her voice at him. She'd never nagged him or gotten angry with him in all their years together and he was stunned at the change in her attitude. He'd never seen this side of her before.

  Pain and anger flashed across her face and he was quite taken aback by the force of it.

  "It didn't mean anything, Nicole, I swear to you. Please believe me," he pleaded with her.

  "It didn't mean anything to you, Paul! Nicole shouted. "Well, it meant everything to me! How could you have kissed me and made love to me knowing what you'd done? It makes my skin crawl to even think about it."

  She suddenly ran out of steam and sat deflated on the edge of the bed.

  "Do you love her?" Nicole asked quietly, afraid to look at him and dreading his answer.

  "No! You're the only woman I have ever loved and will ever love. I've never known anyone like you and I am hopelessly, eternally in love with you. I can't tell you how sorry I am."

  A tense silence descended upon them.

  "Why did you do it, Paul?" she asked eventually.

  "I don't know," he replied, running his hands through his hair, a familiar gesture when he didn't know what to say.

  "Why did you not break up with me in private? Did you get some sort of a sick kick out of annihilating me in front of everyone?" she asked.

  "Of course I didn’t! I hate myself for what I've done to you. I'm desperately sorry for the way I treated you. I wanted to tell you when we were alone, but I kept putting it off until it was too late. I couldn't find the right time or the right words. You were always kind and good to me; the perfect girlfriend, too perfect sometimes."

  "I was too perfect?" Nicole shouted. "What does that even mean? You obviously didn't think I was good enough for you."

  "Of course you are good enough for me. I didn't deserve you. I didn't want to hurt you. I'm a coward. I couldn't face telling you the truth." He had the good grace to look away.

  "You didn't want to hurt me?" Nicole spat the words at him. "Well, you couldn't have hurt me anymore if you tried. I feel ashamed. Everyone knows that you cheated on me and they're probably having a good laugh at my expense."

  "Nobody's laughing at you, Nicole. Everyone hates me. I haven't seen anyone since the wedding. I've had numerous phone calls from our friends telling me that they never want to see me again. They've tried calling you but there was no answer."

  "I can't find my phone," Nicole said distractedly. "I think I might have left it at mum and dad's house. I'll get it later."

  "I see, that explains why you didn't call me back." Paul seemed a little relieved.

  "Why would I have returned your calls, Paul?" Nicole asked. "You left me on my wedding day for my friend! Could you not have chosen someone other than her?"

  "I didn't choose her. It just happened. Neither of us planned it."

  "Aww, it all sounds so very romantic! You didn't plan it," Nicole's voice dripped with sarcasm. "Where is Simone, anyway? I expected that you'd have her moved in here with you by now. We know how much you hate to be alone."

  "I haven't seen her since the wedding. It's over between us. There never was an "us"."

  "Why?" Nicole asked.

  "Why what?" Paul asked in confusion.

  "Why did you cheat on me with her? Was I not pretty enough or skinny enough or interesting enough for you?" she asked.

  "Oh, Nicole, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I was a fool to treat you badly. I wish I could turn back time. I wish I'd never cheated on you."

  "When did it start?" Nicole couldn't help herself.

  She had to know. She'd been imagining Paul and Simone together for weeks, desperately trying to figure out how long they'd been together. How long had they been laughing at her behind her back?

  "We only slept together once, Nicole, I swear to you. It was a terrible, drunken mistake that should never have happened."

  "I see," Nicole felt sick. "When did it happen?"

  Paul shifted uncomfortably.

  "I can't remember exactly, sometime in the summer. We bumped into each other one evening after work in the pub. You and Helen were in Dublin for the night, looking at wedding dresses. Simone couldn't join you because she had work commitments. Anyway, we had a few too many drinks and one thing lead to another. You know how flirty she can be."

  Paul tried to defend himself.

  "Don't even attempt to blame her!" Nicole snapped viciously. "You were engaged to me. We were planning our wedding and YOU chose to throw us away for a fling!"

  "I know. You're completely justified in feeling the way that you do."

  "Do not patronise me with your psycho babble!" Nicole yelled. "It’s very big of you to say that I'm justified, thank you very much!"

  "I didn't mean anything by it," Paul stuttered. "I don't know what to say."

  "Don't say anything Paul. I think you've said and done enough at this stage. I'm leaving. I'll send Ev up to come and get the rest of my things."

  Nicole flounced past him and stormed towards the front door.

  "Please don't go," Paul begged, following her down the hall. "I still lo
ve you. Please, Nicole, I know we can work this out."

  He tentatively touched her shoulder as she pulled open the front door.

  "Don't touch me!" she screamed at him. "I hate you, Paul. I hate what you've done to me, what you've done to us! You betrayed me!"

  Nicole slammed the front door loudly behind her and ran towards the elevator. She pushed the button and jumped inside, banging at the button as if to close the doors faster.

  She wanted to get away from Paul as fast as she could. It was all she could do not to break down in front of him. She was overwhelmed with emotion and her head was spinning.

  She burst out of the elevator and ran towards her sister's car and flung herself into the passenger seat.

  "What happened, Nic?!" Ev stared at her sister in shock. "Where are your things?"

  "Oh, Ev, I don't know what to do. I feel very confused," Nicole cried, burying her face in her hands.

  "You don't know what to do about what?"

  "Paul says he wants me back and that he still loves me."

  "Of course he wants you back!" Evette sounded outraged. "The cheek of him! Who does he think he is? Why wouldn't he still love you? You've done absolutely nothing wrong! I've a good mind to go up to the apartment and give that asshole a piece of my mind!" Evette was livid at Paul's audacity.

  "Ev, you don't understand," Nicole sniffed. "I still love him."

  "Oh my God, Nicole!" Evette gasped in shock. "How can you still love him after the way that he's treated you?"

  "I don't know, Ev. I wish I hated him, but I don't. It's not easy to switch off the love that I felt so strongly for him. It was all I could do not to tell him that I'd come back, that we could start over again. Somehow I managed to summon the courage to get out of there. I ran out of the apartment as fast as I could. It must be some self-preservation instinct, but I knew I had to run."

  "Good for you." Evette sounded proud of her sister. "You'll get through this, Nicole, I promise you. We'll get through this together. You deserve much more than Paul. I hate to say it but how could he ever have loved you if he was capable of treating you so badly?"

  "I don't know," Nicole answered quietly. "Nobody's perfect. People make mistakes sometimes."

  "Nobody was asking him for perfection. Sure, people make mistakes sometimes; mistakes like forgetting to put the garbage out or mow the lawn or maybe even forgetting your birthday, but dumping your fiancee on her wedding day AT THE ALTAR is a lot more serious than a mistake!" Evette's voice was getting more and more high-pitched.

  "He says that they only slept together once. Anyone can make a mistake or have a slip. Should I really throw it all away for one mistake?"

  Evette could tell that her sister was desperate for her to say that she should at least consider giving Paul another chance.

  "Ok, so maybe it only happened once. Let's imagine for a minute that you do forgive him and decide to try again. How will you ever trust him again? If he's late home from work or has a business meeting overnight away from home you'll secretly wonder if he's telling you the truth. Don't do it to yourself, Nicole, please. Promise me that you won't take him back."

  "Please, Ev, my head is spinning and my heart is racing right now! I can't promise you anything. Can you please not lecture me? The only truth I know is that I still love him and I'm finding it very difficult to let him go. If I let him go now, I'll never see him again. It's over forever. Should I simply forget about the years we spent together and the happy times?"

  "Of course you shouldn't forget the good times," Evette conceded, "but you cannot take him back. You must let your head rule your heart in this instance. I know that sounds odd coming from me, of all people, but you must trust me, Nicole.

  You cannot go back to him. He will have no respect for you if you go back and I firmly believe that he will completely annihilate your self-confidence if you give him another chance. You are a wonderful person and you will find someone else who is worthy of you.

  Paul has proven that he does not deserve you. I've never liked him. He's always struck me as a sanctimonious, smug bastard. He thinks he knows everything about everything just because he's a doctor, well guess what, he's proven that he's as messed up, if not more messed up than the rest of us combined."

  Nicole burst into tears. She'd tried hard not to cry but despite her valiant efforts the floodgates were open and she couldn't stop the tears. Evette reached out and pulled her sister into her arms.

  "Cry it out, Nicole," Ev whispered.

  She hugged her sister close and held her while she cried. Slowly, Nicole's tears began to subside.

  "Will I ever feel normal again?" she asked Evette through her tears.

  "I feel sick most of the time. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I keep longing to get back into bed and stay under the safety of my duvet forever."

  "Of course you'll be ok again, sis," Evette said earnestly. "It may take a while, but everything will work out. You've had your heart broken, but I promise you that it will heal in time."

  "Well, I'm never allowing myself to fall in love again," Nicole said with determination in her voice. "It's not worth the risk of ever feeling this bad again. I won't do it to myself."

  "Oh, Nicole, life and love have a habit of sneaking up on us when we least expect it," Evette smiled as she gave her sister a tissue. Nicole blew her nose loudly.

  "Shall I go and get your things?" Evette asked gently. Her sister nodded in between sniffles.

  "I'll be right back," she said, patting Nicole on the back.

  Nicole sat alone in the car looking unseeingly into the dark garage.

  "Has my life really been reduced to this?" she asked herself.

  She felt utterly desolate. Her world felt like a bleak, dark place without Paul and she mourned the loss of the hopes and dreams that she'd had for their future together. She was nervous and downright scared at the thought of being on her own.

  It was the loneliest place she'd ever been.

  "This is it," she whispered. "I'm back at the beginning again."

  She'd known Paul since she was nineteen years old. He was her first and only love. When her friends were experiencing love and heartbreak she'd been happy in the safety of her relationship with Paul.

  She sighed and thought about what her sister had said to her earlier. She knew that Evette was right and that she couldn't go back to Paul. She couldn't be weak.

  Evette waved as she approached the car and Nicole got out to help her with the numerous bags that she was lugging behind her.

  "Don't worry," Evette smirked. "I gave that moron a piece of mind. He won't be bothering you or making declarations of fake love again."

  "Oh, Ev, I hope you weren't too hard on him," Nicole said doubtfully.

  "Nothing more than he deserves," Evette grinned as she loaded her sister's luggage into the car.

  Chapter 6

  "I've made a decision," Nicole announced.

  "It's too early for decisions," Evette yawned loudly and struggled to sit up in her bed. "What time is it anyway?"

  She reached out for her alarm clock and squinted to see the time.

  "It's five o' clock in the morning! It's practically the middle of the night!"

  She tried to protest at having been woken at such an early hour but her sister was having none of it.

  "Here, drink this. It will wake you up."

  Nicole stuck a steaming mug of black coffee under her sister's nose before she could make any further complaints.

  "Hmmm, it will either wake me up or put hairs on my chest."

  Evette peered into the dark abyss of the mug. She took a tentative sip and spluttered.

  "Hairs on my chest," she smiled as she gulped down the coffee.

  "Well, what's your grand decision?" Evette prompted.

  Nicole took a deep breath and paused for dramatic effect.

  "Spit it out. I can't stand the suspense any longer."

  Evette placed her mug carefully on her bedside table and leaned back wearily aga
inst the pillows, doing her best to give her sister her full attention. This was the most animated that she'd seen Nicole in weeks. It was good to see her smile.

  "I forgot you were such a happy morning person, like mom."

  "It's the best time of the day," Nicole laughed.

  "The birds are singing in the trees. The sun is rising in the sky. The day is fresh and new and we can start over again."

  Evette made gagging noises.

  "Ok, I get it. You're in an exceptionally, nauseating good mood. Please share your excitement with me."

  "I've decided to start my own business."

  "Ok," Nicole said, desperately fighting the sleep that was threatening to overwhelm her at any minute. It was much too early in the morning for her. She tried to force some enthusiasm into her voice.

  "Fill me in on the details."

  Nicole cleared her throat for dramatic effect.

  "I've decided to start my own business," she repeated.

  "It’s an excellent idea. Congratulations. Well done," Evette said sarcastically. "You couldn't have waited 'til a more civilised time of day to share your news with me?"

  She snuggled further under the duvet.

  "Sorry Ev. I was excited to tell you. I've been awake half the night thinking about it and putting my ideas together." Nicole looked crestfallen by her sister's reaction. She shuffled her papers together.

  "It does sound like a good plan." Evette resurfaced reluctantly from her cosy, warm cocoon.

  "You're so organised and efficient by nature, that I'm sure whatever you turn your hand to will turn out to be an absolute success. What exactly is your business idea anyway?"