Mismatch
Page 48
“I can’t love her.� I felt upset and stubborn. Nathaniel was my friend and should be supporting me, not insulting me.
“Can’t is not the same as won’t. I know you’re making a big mistake, Ayrie. You’re going to regret your decision long after you have any chance to fix it.�
“Whatever.� I wished he would leave. I wanted to bury my head under the covers and nurse my wounds.
“I want you to be happy. You’ll be miserable if you let Elle get away from you.� I heard a soft click as the door shut, leaving me alone with my confusion.
Chapter Eighteen
ELLE
Ashlyn and Nathaniel’s house felt like a dream. I used to watch videos of wealthy people who lived on tropical islands back on Earth. Their home seemed like one of those mansions, and it made me uncomfortable.
I had grown up poor. A scholarship helped me get through school, although I still had to live in the cheapest dorm available. Ever since I had started living with Ayrie, my living standards had gone up a level, but we were still on a starship. There were limits to what we could do.
Nathaniel didn’t have any limits on anything. There was a lot of space, rooms never ended, and they had all the food anyone could ever want to eat.
Everything was beautiful. There wasn’t a single ugly thing in the entire house. The views from every window were breathtaking. It was Ashlyn’s slice of heaven.
I wondered how she had ended up here. She left Earth, just like me, to escape a bad situation. But she had ended up with a happily ever after, while I hadn’t. I wanted to know her secret.
One day when we were chopping up some seaweed, I got up the courage to ask her about it.
“After I helped my brother out of trouble, Nat and I worked things out.�
“It was probably easy.� I thought about how close Ashlyn and Nathaniel were. “You guys are perfect for each other.�
“That’s not the word I would have chosen.� An incredulous smile appeared on her face. “I had to stow away on my husband’s ship because he intended to leave me at home, then swim through shark-infested waters to follow him.�
“Did that really happen to you?�
“There must be something about this planet. It’s almost as exciting as falling out of the sky while flying on your husband’s back and saving him by swimming until your arms practically fall off.�
“That’s not the same thing at all.� I felt my expression change as soon as she mentioned Ayrie. “I want to hear about you.�
“Things weren’t always easy between us, Elle. We had to make an effort to talk and communicate with each other. We had to face uncomfortable truths about ourselves. We got angry with each other and fought. But it was worth going through hard times to get back to the good bits.�
“‘Not easy’ seems like it would be heaven at the moment. Ayrie and I are at the point where things seem impossible.�
“Maybe you’re making your problems bigger than they are.�
I shook my head. “How do you win the love of a man who refuses to fall in love?�
“Absolutely never? Can you stop yourself from falling in love with someone?�
“Ashlyn, apparently you can. He’s said it out loud several times.�
“That sounds like he’s lying to himself. Why don’t you start from the beginning?�
I told her our entire story. “And that’s where we left things.� I took a deep breath. “I said I wanted a divorce.�
Ashlyn’s eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry, I’m crying all the time now.�
“You don’t have to apologize.� I gave a shrug. “It’s sad.�
“Are you sure this is the best idea?� She washed her hands so she could wipe her eyes with a tea towel.
“What else can I do, Ashlyn?� A hint of desperation was creeping into my voice. “If I stay with him, I’m going to have problems for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be almost loved or nearly desired. I’ll never be satisfied.�
“How have you been able to stand being with him for all this time and not sleeping with him? I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through.�
“It’s been a struggle, that’s for sure.�
“I jumped Nat’s bones the third night. He was so hot!� Ashlyn fanned herself with her hand.
I laughed in spite of myself. “I wish I were in your shoes. If I stay with Ayrie, I’ll never get what I want, which is for him to love me. If I leave, I’ll be brokenhearted for a while, but I’ll get over it.� Ashlyn looked at me with compassion. “I’ll find somebody new, right? Isn’t that how it works?�
“You’re not the only person involved in the relationship. What about Ayrie? What happens to him when you give up?�
“I’m not giving up on him, and I don’t like what you’re implying. That’s not what’s happening at all. I’m setting him free.�
“Like a bird from a cage? Elle, do you know what happens when you free a domesticated bird?�
“I have no idea.�
“An ornithologist did a study. They’re usually eaten within the first day of their release.�
“I’ll assume an ornithologist is a bird scientist.�
“The title isn’t important. You might have the best of intentions when you set a bird free, but what you’re doing is sending them to their death.�
“Ayrie has wings, but he’s not a bird. You’re starting to sound a little specist.� I should have held my tongue. I didn’t know Ashlyn well enough to sound as snarky as I felt.
“It has nothing to do with his wings. All men are like birds in cages. They need us to take care of them. If you free Ayrie, he won’t be happy without you.�
I understood the point she was trying to make, but I believed a man wouldn’t like her comparison. Since this conversation was ladies only, I wasn’t going to voice my protests.
Ashlyn was still talking. “He might not die literally, but something will get extinguished in his heart. Nat said Ayrie’s similar to his father already. His Dad sounds like a bitter old man. Nat thinks Ayrie will end up the same if you’re not around for him.�
“I understand what you’re saying, but I don’t think I can do this anymore. Can you imagine staying with Nat if you had to look at him every day across the breakfast table knowing he didn’t love you? Never mind having to look at him and never touching his body.� Her expression turned to complete dismay, and I started to laugh. “What would you do if you were in my situation? Wouldn’t you ask for a divorce?�
“But I still think it’s sad. Ayrie loves you.�
“What are you talking about? He doesn’t. He’s told me many, many times.�
“The mouth can lie, but the heart cannot.�
We were on a beach in the bright sunshine, preparing for a picnic. It seemed as though Vandwa never had a cloudy day. The weather was either perfect or storming, with nothing in-between.
Ashlyn and Nathaniel’s daughter, Kathryn, was swimming in front of me. Watching her was making me decidedly nervous. She would go beneath the water and swim, which was all right with me. The problem was that she never came back up again. She could stay underwater for minutes at a time. Kathryn was under for so long that I couldn’t stand the wait. When I was about to scream and rush into the ocean, she would pop up somewhere
far down the beach holding a shell or shiny stone in her hand.
“She can breathe down there.� Nathaniel startled me as he came out from behind me. “You don’t have to worry about anything. She’s not in any danger at all.�
“Geez!� I put my hand over my chest. “You scared me, Nathaniel. Kitty wasn’t making me anxious.�
“Are you sure? I’ve noticed you and Ayrie seem to lie to yourselves all the time.�
At first I was startled by his honesty, but that quickly morphed into annoyance as I realized he was attacking my character. I was always honest.
Wasn’t I? I looked at Nathaniel in the eye. “I suppose I was a little worried.�
“Why did you tell me you weren’t?�
“I don’t know.�
“Perhaps it’s the same reason Ayrie tells himself he doesn’t love you.� He lowered his voice. “He’s afraid to face the truth.�
“That’s hard for me to believe. Nathaniel, it doesn’t matter if he loves me if he thinks he doesn’t love me.�
“That’s true.� He watched Kathryn toss a Frisbee to Ayrie right before he went down into the water.
“Ayrie can be hard to understand. He’s a bit of an odd duck.� My husband wasn’t looking like a duck at all. He resembled a devastatingly handsome swimsuit model. “For as long as I’ve known him, he’s sworn he wouldn’t fall in love.� Nathaniel laughed at the thought and shook his head. “It seemed like a reasonable thing to say when we were younger. It comes across as clueless now, or clinging to an old belief.�
I slowly nodded my head.
“Ayrie is the most loyal and kind friend I have ever known. He deserves another chance, Elle.� He looked at me with beautiful, turquoise eyes and I could see why Ashlyn had fallen for him.
“Why does everyone seem to think I’m deserting him?� I was getting annoyed. I trusted Ashlyn and Nathaniel’s opinions even though I hadn’t known them for very long. “He doesn’t love me.�
“Maybe he doesn’t know how to tell you.�
“This might be too much information for you, but before you say anything like that, I don’t have a bond with Ayrie. We’ve never had sex.�
“I know.�
“He told you? I guess it wasn’t too much information after all.�
Nathaniel shrugged his muscular shoulders. “He wanted advice from me. He thought I should know everything before I helped him come to a decision.�
I wondered what Ayrie was asking. I didn’t know what to think if he wanted help with our relationship. “But do you know why?�
“Bond Rejection Syndrome. He didn’t want to risk either of you having problems.�
“That’s exactly right. Do you happen to know what causes Bond Rejection Syndrome?� He shook his head. “The cause is when two people mate but aren’t in love with each other. Something happens in the brain that can cause mental instability.�
“Sorry, I’m still not getting it.�
“He won’t bond with me because he cares about me but doesn’t love me. He doesn’t want to hurt me. Can you honestly tell me I shouldn’t get a divorce? Imagine if you were in my situation. What if Ashlyn cared about you but didn’t love you, and she could do something physical that showed her feelings?� Nathaniel had a flash of realization, and I kept going. “I hope you can understand why I want a divorce now.�
“If you’re serious about ending your marriage, have you given much thought to your future? Ashlyn says you might want to stay on Vandwa.�
“I can’t go back to Earth, and I like it here. It seems like it’s a good place for me to start over.�
He nodded in agreement. “I think it’s an excellent idea, except the part about you and Ayrie being separated forever. You’re welcome to stay at our house while you get settled.�
“Do you mean it?� I turned to face him. If they helped me, everything would be easier for me. I didn’t know what I was going to do about money. I had no job and no place to stay. When I left Jarvis, I left everything behind. He had control of all our finances.
“Of course I do. But for the record, I think you two are making a big mistake.�
“Definitely.�
He looked shocked. “If you think it’s a mistake then why are you doing it?�
“I don’t have a choice.�
He pressed his lips together in frustration. “You may be right, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me to watch my friend’s marriage go down in flames.�
I shook my head. No, it certainly didn’t.
Chapter Nineteen
AYRIE
I whistled while I walked up the stairs to the room Elle and I shared in Nathaniel and Ashlyn’s opulent house. My feet sank into the thick carpet. Their place wasn’t too small and was surprisingly well decorated. The seafood on Vandwa was superb. The house, food, and company reminded me of home. I found myself missing Auxem more here than I ever did on the starship.
We were finally going back to my home away from home. I had finished all the arrangements and shuttles were already bringing supplies back to the mothership. We had food fabricators and some gardens on board, but it wasn’t economically feasible to provide food for so many people with fabricators, no matter how convenient it was. I was looking forward to seeing Arnon and Jayne and the twins, and my other brothers Anders, Avren, and Allex, too. I missed them.
I was hoping she would forget all about the divorce once we were back on the ship. Maybe I could talk her out of it. I had plans to be a better husband. We wouldn’t let things get as tense as they were before.
I opened the door to our suite and went looking for Elle. She wasn’t in the bedroom, bathroom, or lounge area. I finally found her on the balcony overlooking the sea. That was one beautiful thing about Vandwa — there was an ocean view everywhere.
“How’s it going?� I walked behind her and put my arms around her waist. She leaned back against me and sighed. Being close to her made me feel like I was on fire inside.
“Okay, I guess.� Her voice sounded soft — or was it sad?
“Everything’s ready to go. Nathaniel’s going to take us to the spaceport. I’ve made a standing order to check all the paralytic converters on our ships before anyone boards them.� I kissed her cheek, and she turned in my arms. The look in her eyes startled me.
“Ayrie.� I was afraid of the tone in her voice. I interrupted her quickly.
“I know we’ll be going back to the ship, and you’re worried things will go back to the way they were between us. It’s going to be different this time, Elle.�
She didn’t look at me.
“I’ve made a list of things I’m going to do so I can be a good husband. The first thing on the list is more make-out sessions.�
That got a smile out of here. “That’s very unselfish of you. But…â€�
“I’m not finished yet. I want to make sure we never get to the point where we were before, not talking and bitter. I want us both to promise we’ll discuss any problem we have with each other. Won’t that be healthy?�
She opened her mouth to answer, but I didn’t wait for her to speak.
“And we’ll do things together, and we’ll figure out something when we reach Auxem. You’re not going back to Earth.�
“Hang on a second. I h
ave something to say.� Elle held up her hand, and the expression on her face made me stop talking. I knew the words coming out of her mouth would be bad news. The look was familiar.
“You don’t have to do this.�
She stepped away from me. “Ayrie, I appreciate that you’re trying. If you had offered this to me a week ago, I would have been ecstatic.�
“What’s the matter with now?�
“I’m different now than I was a week ago, and in a good way. I know I can’t keep living like this.�
She was talking about leaving me. And I didn’t know if I could do anything to stop her.
ELLE
“When I spent the afternoon alone by the ocean, I realized I’m not as damaged as I thought. The realization has given me a strength I didn’t know I had.� I licked my lips and pressed on, afraid he would interrupt me or I would lose my courage. “I’m tired of living part of a life. I’m partially loved, half fucked, sort of friends but not sharing my heart with you. When I was on Earth, I had no life. In a way, I should be grateful for what I had with you. Maybe I would have been before, but I deserve more than that.�
“More than what?�
“More than being friends with benefits or having a surface relationship. More than just being content. I want something else.� I stared up into his handsome face that looked desolate right now. “I want a husband who loves me.�
I felt a tear roll down my face. I couldn’t say it, but I didn’t only want a man who loved me. I wanted Ayrie to love me. But that couldn’t be, and I wouldn’t dwell on it. “I want a man who isn’t afraid to give me all of his heart and who believes that if he does give me his heart, I will guard it like my own.�
“Hold on a second.�
“I know you have your reasons and I can’t change them. For a while, I thought you would change. Now I know you can’t and you won’t. That’s okay because I finally have the strength to ask for myself.�