Dare to Love

by Penny Dixon

  I wake up about two o’clock and go for some water. I pour a Hennessy and think about what I did last night.

  I think about Josi. What would she think of me if she knew what I did? I feel like there’s a big sheet of glass between me and the people I love. I want to hold her. Want to talk to her. She would know what to do. She might not judge me. I go back to bed, wrap myself round Mel and try to remember what it was like this morning, but my head’s full of Marcie and black parcels.

  I sleep late and don’t meet Sammy till the afternoon at a bar in Bridgetown. I check the price of tickets before I set off. Sammy smiling in a corner of the bar, a bottle of Bud in front of him. He stand up, shake my hand as he pull me into a “long-lost-brother” hug. I feel the notes in my hand. ‘Good work cus,’ he whisper in my ear, ‘you’re a pro.’

  I slide the money in my pocket. ‘Let me get you a Bud.’ He wave to the barman. ‘Why you in such a hurry to go home?’

  ‘Kids.’ I don’t want to discuss my personal life with Sammy. Don’t want him to know any more about me than he know already.

  ‘If there’s anything I can do to help, just ask. You know you like family now.’

  ‘Thanks.’ I hope I never have to take up his offer.

  We talk about football for a few more minutes, before I tell him I have to go.

  ‘Word of warning cus. Just lay low for a while. Stay in tonight, play the family man. Stay away from public places and foreign people.’

  ‘What you talking about?’

  ‘Your lady from England is buddies with the cop on the beach. Sometimes after a job like this, after the first one, some people get a little nervous, drink too much and… you know, talk a little too much. Best not to take the chance, especially with the company she keep.’

  ‘She going home soon.’

  ‘So she have nothing to lose. Is just advice I’m giving you. Just lay low till you stop shaking.’

  I look at my hand on the bottle, see the tremor and put it in my pocket.

  ‘See you around,’ I say as I get up to leave.

  ‘Real soon.’ He flash me a smile and take a swig of the beer.

  Josi

  He rings at seven in the morning. I answer, tell him I’m half asleep and will call him later. When I call at nine thirty he asks if we can meet.

  ‘What happened to you last night?

  ‘Babes, I fell asleep on the settee. I was so tired.’

  ‘So tired you didn’t hear your phone ring?’

  ‘I put it on silent cause I just want to sleep for a couple hours, then just carry on sleeping. Anyway, you said you would phone.’

  ‘I did phone. I left you a message.’

  ‘Babes, I didn’t see any missed call from you. I figured you changed your mind and decided to go out with your friends. What time you called?’

  ‘About ten thirty.’

  ‘The only missed call I have at that time was from a unknown number.’

  Then I remember. I’d called from Celia’s phone as mine wasn’t working. ‘Yeah, I was calling from my friend’s phone, but I left you a message.’

  ‘I don’t always pick up messages from unknown numbers at that time of night. Listen babes, can we meet? What you got plan for today?’

  ‘It’s my last day so I’m going to spend it on the beach, might be the last time I see it for a while.’

  ‘My friend want me to come and play snooker with him at the airport. You want to come?’

  ‘Why the airport?’

  ‘He’s a pilot.’

  I didn’t fancy watching him and his mate play while I looked on like some love sick teenager. ‘No thanks.’

  I hear the disappointment in the brief silence before he asks, ‘How about if I come and join you on the beach later?’

  ‘I’m easy. It’s up to you.’ I’m still feeling piqued after being stood up last night.

  ‘OK, see you later babes. Love you.’

  He waits for my echoed sentiments. When they don’t come, he says, ‘See you later,’ and clicks off.

  He arrives on the beach two hours later looking fabulous in white cut-off pedal pusher jeans, an orange T-shirt and sunglasses. All my resolve melts when I see him. He’s not classically handsome, but he’s so damned sexy. I can feel his hungry eyes behind his shades as he saunters toward me. I can tell from the set of his mouth, from the tautness of his jaw, from the slight wrinkle on his forehead. Then it hits me; this might be the last time I see him. I’m not prepared for the tightening in my chest as the thought moves from my head to my heart. Oh God, Josi, you’re in love. No, Josi, highly infatuated maybe but not in love. I’m glad he can’t see my pounding heart, but he can feel my clammy hands as he sits on the side of the deck chair and takes them in his.

  ‘Babes, I’m so sorry about last night,’ he says after he kisses me.

  Before I can answer, the deck chair attendant appears. ‘Only one person on a chair,’ he says. I ask him to bring another.

  ‘Do you want a drink?’ he asks.

  ‘I’m on water today.’

  He comes back from the kiosk with two large glasses of ice, one of which he hands to me, into the other he pours coke from the bottle he’s just bought and tops it up with a shot of brandy from his flask. He pulls his chair close to mine, lays down and props himself up on his elbow so he can look at me.

  ‘Babes, I can’t believe you’re going home tomorrow. What am I going to do without you?’

  ‘I guess exactly what you did before I arrived.’ I want to believe there could be something beyond this romantic fling between us. I want to silence the screaming and clamouring of my heart for something more. But there can’t be any more than this. He has too many complications and I have a whole set of my own waiting at home.

  ‘You really think I can just forget you like that? You think I can just get used to getting up every day knowing I’m not going to see you or hear you?’

  ‘Grant, we’ve had a beautiful time. It can’t be any more than that. You’ve got Mel and Darron and…’

  ‘You have Richard. I know. I tell you what else I know. You’re not happy, I’m not happy, we’re not happy with our lives. Josi, I’ve never been this happy with anybody. Tell me honestly that you don’t feel the same way about me.’

  ‘This is all just end of holiday talk Grant. Next week you’ll…’

  ‘Tell me Josi. Tell me I don’t make you happy.’

  ‘Grant, you’re unreliable, you don’t show up when you say you’re going to, you lie to your girlfriend; God knows, you’re probably lying to me.’

  ‘Tell me Josi. Look me in the eye and say, “Grant, you don’t make me happy.”‘

  I take my shades off and look into his eyes. My lips move but no words come out. Whatever he sees in my eyes makes him lean forward, wrap his arms around me and kiss me.

  ‘Babes, what are we going to do?’ I’m not sure if it’s rhetorical. I can’t think straight. There’s a movie running in my head of my life to this point. It’s on fast forward. I search each frame for the answer to his question, some clue that will tell me what to do. But there’s nothing, just the beating of my heart hard against his chest.

  ‘I want to make love to you.’

  ‘We agreed.’

  ‘I know but I didn’t think I was going to feel like this.’

  ‘I thought that’s why you didn’t come last night, that you didn’t want to see me if there was no sex.’

  He holds me at arms length. ‘Babes, that’s so far from the truth. I wish…’ He holds me close again.

  ‘Grant?’

  ‘Yes babes.’

  ‘You make me very happy,’ I say into his shoulder, ‘but I can’t see how this could work.’

  ‘You give up too easy.’

  ‘Do you have a plan?’

  ‘No, but if I know you’re with me we can make it work.’

  ‘Give me a drink of that brandy.’ I need something to ste
ady my nerves, or something to blame for the conversation I’m about to have.

  ‘Grant, if we’re going to talk about a future I need to know why the police guy that I train with warned me off you.’

  ‘What’d you mean?’ He looks and sounds surprised.

  ‘He told me to be careful who I mix with. That not everybody is who they appear to be. When I asked him who he meant, he said you. What does he mean?’

  He’s still facing me but his eyes look upwards, as though he’s searching for the right words. When his eyes meet mine again he says, ‘Maybe it’s because I’m Guyanese.’

  ‘Why would he warn me about you being Guyanese?’

  ‘You don’t understand Josi. When you in other people’s country they can say anything they like about you. Maybe he even like you for himself and want to warn you off me.’

  ‘I don’t think it’s because he likes me. He seemed genuinely concerned for my well-being.’

  ‘When he warn you off?’

  ‘The day after I met up with Karl, you know, the day you introduced me to your friend, what’s his name again?’

  ‘Sammy,’ he says flatly.

  ‘So are you saying that’s all it is? Just because you’re Guyanese.’

  ‘I can’t think of any other reason. Can you?’

  ‘Maybe he knows you have a girlfriend. Maybe he didn’t want to see me get hurt.’

  ‘And you think I could do that? You think I could hurt you, Josi?’

  ‘Maybe it’s too late for that,’ I mumble to myself.

  He holds me close again. ‘I’d never do anything to hurt you,’ he says with such conviction I want to believe him.

  ‘Maybe not knowingly,’ I mutter into his shoulder. I’m sure Richard didn’t intend to hurt me. His hearing must be very acute today because he replies.

  ‘Seem like you looking for reasons to push me away.’

  ‘It’s just not clear to me how we can be together.’

  ‘Work with me Josi. If you willing – work with me and we can make it happen.’

  I have no answer. It feels like too big a task.

  ‘I want to make love to you so bad,’ he croaks into my ear. ‘So bad.’ He moves my hand to his crotch. I feel his swelling. I want him too but we agreed not to the day before I go home. It’s too close to being with Richard again. I don’t think I can handle it. We hold each other for a while, each lost in our own thoughts. He pulls back suddenly, as though a thought’s just occurred to him.

  ‘Is that why you never introduce me to your friends?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘All the time I been seeing you. You never introduce me to your friends, never invite me in to meet them. Is it because he warned you off?’

  ‘Don’t you think it would be a bit weird me introducing you. What would I say? Hi Celia, Kenny, this is Grant, my lover, he lives with his girlfriend and son.’

  ‘I don’t live with Mel.’

  ‘So you say.’

  ‘You still don’t believe me?’

  ‘I want to, Grant, but you seem at her beck and call, she seemed so at home in your kitchen.’

  ‘I’d prefer if you were the one at home in it.’

  ‘I’m not a kitchen person.’

  ‘You want us to spend our last day fighting?’

  ‘No,’ I say slowly. ‘There’re just too many unanswered questions. I can’t see how it could work.’

  ‘Josi, let me ask you this. If there was a way it could work, would you want it to? Would you want to spend the rest of your life with me?’

  ‘Is this a proposal?’

  ‘If by that you mean would I want to spend the rest of my life with you – yes.’

  ‘But you know so little about me.’

  ‘I know what I feel in here,’ he touches his chest. ‘If you tell me you don’t feel it I’ll step back. Let you go home to Richard and leave you alone.’

  He puts on his shades, lies on his back on the chair and folds his arms across his chest.

  I try to run the movie forward from this point; try to see my life without Richard, to see it with Grant. I can’t see him in England, in sleet and snow and hail. Can’t see him braced against the driving wind. His leisurely steps wouldn’t suit the hustle and bustle of commuting. He’s made for the sun and the pace of life here. I would have to move here to be with him. What kind of life would I have? I’d have to start from scratch again. And my boys, when would I see them? What would they think? Only eight months ago they were celebrating with me the start of what should have beena long, happy marriage. And my friends. I can see the shock on their faces, hear their exclamations of disbelief; feel their pity. What would I tell my clients? Your counsellor can’t hold her own life together but she’s charging to show you how to hold yours together. People like me don’t just ride off into the sunset leaving all their responsibilities behind.

  I look across at him, supine and sensuous. I try to imagine never seeing him again. Prickly beads of sweat burst from my forehead and the centre of my back. I feel nauseas. Feel like I’ve been stabbed in the chest with a rusty knife, sharp piercing pain shoots down my arms and turns my fingers numb. Breathing deeply, I force myself to keep calm.

  He turns his head, looks at me; sits up quickly.

  ‘You OK babes? You don’t look too good.’

  I’m shivering and he’s holding me tight and stroking my hair.

  ‘Babes, what’s up? You sweating bad.’

  ‘I feel sick.’

  ‘You eat something bad?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘What’s up? Why you shaking so much? You want me get you something?’

  ‘Just hold me.’ I stutter. And he does. Keeps stroking my hair and whispering, ‘Babes, it’s OK. I love you babes. We’re gonna be OK Josi.’ He’s hypnotic. I want to believe him, to forget the reasons I can’t be with him. There’s a full scale battle going on in my head; reason and rationality versus wanting. Both sides have blown up their arguments till my head feels like a pressure cooker. I feel I’m going to explode when Grant cups my cheeks in both his hands. I feel his soft lips on my cheeks, on my eyes.

  ‘Don’t cry babes. We’re going to be OK. We can work it out. Just work with me.’

  ‘It would be so easy to say yes,’ I say between gulps of air.

  ‘Then say it. Say yes, Josi.’

  I cling to him like mistletoe to a tree and pant, ‘Yes. Yes, I’ll work with you.’

  ‘Oh babes,’ he whispers as his lips find mine.

  My head’s still a tangled mass of wire but his kiss lifts the lid on the pressure cooker in my chest. I dissolve into his breath. There’s only us on the beach. I wish I could stay here, like this. When I finally look at him, he’s beaming. I’ve never seen his smile so wide, never seen his face so radiant, never felt his energy so strong. We both laugh, peals and tinkles mixed with excitement, anticipation, apprehension and love.

  The next few hours are a surreal haze. We try to make plans, or at least I try to and he advises me to take one step at a time. It feels like I’ve become a child and he’s the adult. He wants to be with me but he wants all of me, doesn’t want any bits still tangled up with Richard. I need to go home and deal with whatever I need to do with Richard. When I ask if he will deal with Mel he assures me that his is a far less complicated situation than mine. What’s important is that we keep in touch, by email, Facebook, Skype. We can even see each other on webcam, and there’s always the good old telephone. If we want this to work we just have to apply a little imagination. He’s so in control, so animated, so lacking in doubt. I’m caught up in his tsunami of certainty and stay there till the rain drives us for shelter. We huddle under the canopy of the kiosk with the other sunbathers, mostly tourists with English accents from the hotel across the road. We’re in our own little bubble, holding hands and gazing at each other like love struck teenagers.

  When the shower’s over he says he’s promised Darron he ca
n come and watch him play football today. He’ll have to phone and cancel. I tell him no, to keep his promise.

  ‘Can I see you later then?’

  ‘When?’

  ‘Do you want to go dancing tonight? Make up for last night?’

  ‘Let me check if Celia has anything planned as it’s my last night.’

  I call Celia. With Kenny just back yesterday, they were planning to take me out for a drink at a beach bar but are happy to step aside if I have a better offer.

  ‘Yeah, love to come with you,’ I smile at him.

  ‘You want me to give you a ride back?’

  ‘No I’m going to stay here a bit longer, maybe let the waves wash away any craziness I’ve just agreed to.’

  ‘Babes, none of this is crazy. Maybe the sanest thing you ever do.’ He says as he bends to kiss me goodbye. He seems to have a thought and sits down again.

  ‘Josi, if we’re going to be together don’t you think you should introduce me to your friends?’

  ‘Why?’ Even as I say it I know it’s a stupid question.

  ‘I want to start getting to know the people in your life. That’s one way I can keep close to you. I introduce you to people in my life.’

  ‘OK, call for me earlier tonight. Come about seven.’

  ‘Thanks babes.’ He kisses me again. There’s almost a spring in his languorous steps as he makes his way back to his car.

  I can’t settle on the beach. Without his unwavering strength the doubts come flooding in. How do I introduce him to Celia and Kenny? ‘This is Grant, the man I met two weeks ago who I’m planning to leave my husband for. He’s fourteen years younger than me and comes with a mass of complications, but he makes my heart sing, he sets my soul on fire and I can’t get enough of his sex. He has no job but is ambitious, wants to succeed and wants to be with me for the rest of his life.’