Dare to Love

by Penny Dixon

  She went to the beach to say goodbye to her friends.

  ‘You get up so early?’

  ‘Would be rude to leave without saying goodbye.’

  I nuzzle her neck, absorb her scent, close my eyes and try to stamp in my mind the way she fit in my arms. I’m going to need this over the next weeks, months. I’ve said many goodbyes but none of them feel like this.

  I help her squeeze all the things into her case so she can zip it up. Watch over her shoulder as she check in online, book her seat by the window so she can catch up on sleep on the eight hour flight. She’s in her travelling clothes. Jeans and a tight vest the colour of hibiscus. It’s the first time I see her in jeans. They hug her hips and legs like a jealous man.

  ‘Nice outfit.’ I stroke her arms, run my hand down the curve of her waist.

  ‘People at home are going to need shades to look at me when I walk through customs,’ she laugh.

  I watch her prepare to leave me and try not to think about where she going. It feel like she slipping away already, talking about home, about somewhere I don’t belong.

  ‘I’m going to miss you so bad.’

  ‘Me too.’ She fold the boarding pass she just print off and put it into the envelope with all her other papers.

  ‘Was Mel mad when you got home?’

  ‘I don’t want to talk about Mel now. I only have minutes left with you.’

  ‘I’d be mad if you came back to me at that time.’

  ‘If you were waiting for me at home I wouldn’t be out till that time.’

  ‘You say that now, but what about when you get fed up of me too?’

  ‘Josi, please, don’t do this. Let’s just enjoy these precious minutes.’ Is she trying to pick a fight so she have an excuse not to call me?

  ‘Grant, after last night I don’t want to think about you with her.’

  ‘And I don’t want to think about you with your husband, with Richard. You know when I’m with Mel I think about you. Why don’t you do the same? Why don’t you think about me when you’re with him? That way we’ll always be together.’

  When Celia come it’s time for me to leave. She say to drop by any time, we exchange numbers. Josi walk me to my car, stroke it, say, ‘Goodbye car. I had some of my best times in you. Look after her.’ She smile at me. I kiss her. A small ordinary kiss that don’t show what I’m feeling. She wave till I’m out of sight. As I drive back home, I feel like someone drop anchor on my heart.

  The next few days feel unreal. I watch the phone all the time, even when I know it’s night and there’s no chance she will phone. The first day is the worst, I travel every step with her. Checking in, fastening her seat belt, going to sleep. She promise to let me know when she get home, how things are with Richard. I wait for her call. Nothing. Maybe something happen to the plane. I check the Virgin site. Her flight land safely. I call her. It goes to voicemail. I send a text, email her. Nothing. The thought I’m trying to push down keep bubbling up like a drowning man gasping for air. She forget about you, Grant. She back in her reality and you just a memory.

  Without her here, without her liveliness and the sex, I think about what I have to offer her. What would she leave her husband and her life in England for? For a man without a job, living off his girlfriend and sister, running jobs on the wrong side of the law just to pay for a ticket to see his sick child, three children with mothers who don’t want to talk to him anymore. It’s no wonder she didn’t want to introduce me to her friends.

  When she call I feel like that drowning man coming up for air. I try to play it cool, try to joke it out that I think she forget about me.

  ‘Babes, I was so worried.’

  She whispering. ‘I fell asleep when I got home.’

  ‘I hardly sleep a wink since you left. Don’t know how I’m going to get through next week.’

  She say she’s missing me too, but I don’t hear it in her voice. She say it’s late and Richard sleeping, she don’t want to wake him. She’ll ring me tomorrow. Hearing that is like somebody push a knife through my heart. I thought I could handle this, now I know what she was feeling every time I come home to Mel.

  ‘What time?’ I don’t want to be watching my phone all the time like some mad man.

  She don’t know yet.

  ‘But you will call?’ I can’t take this uncertainty.

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Love me?’ I want her to say ‘I love you Grant’ but she say ‘I do.’ She with her husband now, she have to be careful, so I tell her I love her.

  ‘Don’t forget to call.’

  Why couldn’t she stay a bit longer? I could prove to her that I’m more than a match for her husband. So long as she still talking to me I have a chance I just have to make sure she don’t forget me. I send her a text.

  I don’t want to lose u. I love u.

  You won’t. I love u 2.

  I’m still in with a chance.

  ‘Daddy! Daddy!’ Marcie throw her arms round my neck as I pick her up and swing her round and round.

  ‘How’s my Princess?’

  ‘Daddy, you come home. Daddy! Daddy!’ Her arms tighten round my neck.

  ‘You going to make her dizzy.’

  I look up at Jeanette leaning against the door, her arms folded across her chest, and I’m glad to see she smiling. It will make things easier. I swing Marcie on my hips and she straddle me the way women carry children.

  ‘Let’s go and say hello to your mom.’

  As I walk toward Jeanette, I remember what attract me to her. She loose some weight but she still curve in all the right places. She change her hairstyle, its short, the sides almost shaved. It makes her look a little mannish but her lips still as full and kissable as I remember. Her smile show her even white teeth, she was always careful about her teeth. ‘There’s no substitute for a good smile,’ she’s always saying.

  ‘You look good Jeanette. I see you drop a few pounds. It suit you.’ I don’t mention that she look tired.

  ‘It’s stress.’

  ‘Every cloud have a silver lining.’ Trying to keep it light.

  ‘I’d prefer to not have the cloud.’ She turn and lead off into the house.

  Everything in the house look tired, like Jeanette inject the furniture, the walls, the pictures with fatigue, or maybe she absorbed the tiredness from the house.

  ‘You want a drink?’

  ‘Just water.’

  ‘Daddy, have some Cool Aid. Mommy, can Daddy have Cool Aid?’

  ‘Daddy can have whatever he wants.’

  ‘OK, give me Cool Aid. Happy now?’ I lift Marcie up in the air.

  ‘Yes Daddy.’

  Watching Jeanette move round the small kitchen take me right back. I used to love the way she bend and stretch as she reached for things, she have easy movements, like water, moulding herself over everything she touch. Including me. But she like those creeping plants that climb around trees, till eventually you can’t see the tree anymore. It’s so slow you don’t notice till one day the tree disappear and all people see is the new plant.

  There was a time I would do almost anything for her. The only thing I refuse to do was send Darron back to his mother. That’s when I see a change in her.

  ‘You love that boy more than you love me and Marcie.’

  ‘You know that’s not true,’ I’d try to convince her.

  ‘He comes before any of us. Darron need this, Darron need that. You and Darron play football. You and Darron go to the beach.’

  ‘I go to the beach with all of you.’

  ‘You never take Marcie by herself.’

  ‘Because I only have so much time when I’m not working. Anyway, when I go with the two of them, Darron can help with Marcie.’

  ‘That’s what I mean. You don’t have any time for Marcie without Darron.’

  I’d tried to reason with her. Tried to show her that there’s only so many hours in the day; that she want a
nice house, a nice car, nice clothes; that I was happy to put in the hours to give her all those things. But it was never enough. She pick at me every day, pick at Darron, like a vulture. I could deal with it because when we went to bed at night she was like a she cat, could make me forget everything. That was till things started going bad at work.

  I see the signs long before it happen and try to warn her. Little by little they stop replacing workers. I tell her we need to cut down on our spending but she don’t believe me. I have to take on more and more at work, spend more and more time there, coming home at night to arguments. She complaining that she not seeing me and there’s no overtime pay to show. She don’t understand that I’m fighting to keep my job, that I have to show willing so I don’t get laid off. Then one night I couldn’t get it up, don’t matter what I do, what she do I couldn’t get an erection. After that she start turning her back on me at night, every time I approach her she say she can’t deal with the frustration if I can’t get it up.

  One evening I come home and Darron in the house by himself watching TV. She leave a note on the table. Taken Marcie to the movies. Pick up a takeaway for dinner for you and Darron. I’m angry as hell. After the day I had. One of my close colleagues get laid off. We lose a big contract and I can see if we don’t get another one to replace it that my job is next, six months at the most.

  ‘When did Jeanette leave?’ I ask Darron.

  ‘Just when I get home from school.’

  ‘What did she say to you?’

  ‘She say she have to take Marcie somewhere, that you would get dinner for us, to have a drink till you come home.’

  I read the note again. Why didn’t she take the two of them? Couldn’t she cook and leave the dinner even if she want to take Marcie to the movies?

  I ring her cell phone. It goes to voicemail.

  ‘Jeanette what the fuck you playing at leaving Darron on his own with no food?’ I forget Darron listening. ‘Call me as soon as you get this message.’

  I read the note again, like I’m hoping it will say something different.

  ‘You want we eat at Cheffette tonight?’ I ask Darron, knowing the answer’s going to be yes. It’s his favourite place. I want to give him a treat, make up for him being left out.

  When we get back, Jeanette and Marcie watching TV.

  ‘You get my message?’ I ask as soon as I see her.

  ‘Yes,’ she answer without taking her eyes off the TV.

  ‘Then why you don’t ring me back?’

  ‘Because I’m not going to speak to anybody who talk to me like that. Who you think I am, your housemaid?’

  ‘If you was my housemaid at least there’d be dinner when I come home and my son wouldn’t be hungry.’

  ‘That’s the problem, isn’t it? Your son. What about the fact I was out with your daughter?’

  ‘Jeanette, I’m not taking this anymore. I don’t know what you playing at. If you don’t want me treat you like a housemaid then behave like a wife.’

  I must have hit a raw nerve because she leap up from the sofa, spin round to face me, hands on hips, eyes that could slice me in two and hiss, ‘I would behave like a wife if I had a husband. A man who could make me feel like a wife.’

  I don’t know if it was the look on her face, the words, the fact she said it in front of the children, but I feel my hands travel from my side swing round and slap her face. I’ll never forget the look of disbelief in her eyes as she fall over onto the sofa. I regret it instantly. I’m by her side, kneeling in front of the sofa trying to help her up.

  ‘I’m sorry babes. Are you all right babes? I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’

  ‘Don’t touch me!’ she scream, curling herself up in a ball, making herself small.

  ‘I’m sorry babes.’ I put my hand on her shoulder. That’s when the force of her foot propel me backward. From a kneeling position I’m flat on my back. I feel her fists and tears on my face. Hot and stinging. I grab her hands but the tears don’t stop.

  Every day I’m alive I wish I could go back and rub out that day.

  She leave that night with Marcie to stay with a friend. She never moved back in. I paid for their flights home for a break and she stayed. I came home twice to see Marcie and to ask her if we could try again but she said she couldn’t trust me. I didn’t know if I could trust me either. I stayed away from women in case at the appointed time I let them down. Three months later I was laid off and had to downsize, me and Darron alone again.

  ‘Did you talk to the specialist about the bone marrow transplant?’

  ‘He said it’s too early to know how the condition is going to develop and whether she’ll need a transplant. Apparently it’s a long process. Marcie, come and take the Cool Aid to your daddy.’

  She holds the glass out in front of her, total concentration on her face till she hands it over.

  ‘Thanks Princess.’

  She bounces up on the sofa next to me.

  ‘Don’t you think we should be looking now at whether any of us is a match?’

  ‘The doctor say it’s too early. We might be wasting our time and money if she don’t need it.’

  ‘She looks so happy. I can’t imagine her in the kind of pain you describe.’

  ‘Believe me, you wouldn’t want to see it.’

  She don’t realise how much of an outsider that makes me feel. Something big like that in my daughter’s life and she thinks I wouldn’t want to see it. That whole side of her that I don’t know.’

  ‘I read that dehydration can bring on a crisis.’

  ‘What’re you saying Grant?’ She spins round from the sandwich she’s making for Marcie. ‘That it’s my fault?’

  ‘I only say that’s what I read. I’m not saying anything is your fault.’

  ‘Because if that’s what you think, you take her, you see whether you can do a better job.’

  ‘Jeanette I’m not…’

  ‘Oh, but I’m forgetting you only have room in your life for one child.’

  ‘Jeanette… please. That’s not what I come here for. I want to take Marcie to see Mom.’

  ‘Why? She see your Mom regularly. You think I’m keeping her away from your family?’

  ‘Please Jeanette. I don’t want a fight. I know it’s been hard for you, and specially since I’m not working. I know you struggling. I’m struggling too, but as soon as I’m back on my feet I’ll look after her properly. You know the one thing I do is look after my children. Whatever else you accuse me of, you can’t accuse me of that. I just want Mom to see me and Marcie together. She don’t do that in a long time.’

  Her jaw soften. She pass the back of her hand over her forehead. She look like somebody put a pin in the balloon that’s been holding her together. She sit down.

  ‘I’m tired, Grant. You don’t know what it’s like, seeing her in all that pain and not able to do anything about it. Watching her, all the time wondering if she’s going to be all right today.’

  I feel the pain she’s feeling, feel the exhaustion. I want to reach out to her, to give her a hug but I don’t trust myself, she don’t trust me. I pick up Marcie and hug her instead. She put her arms round my neck and I realise that I need a hug too.

  ‘We have to work together on this Jeanette.’

  She stretch out her hand to me. I hold it. She stand up, put her arms round me and Marcie and shed years of tears. It would be so easy to step back into this, if I hadn’t met Josi.

  I think about her all the time. Even with everything going on, she take up every spare space. I spend a lot of time on the phone making love to her, and most of the time when I’m not on the phone. We spend so much time on the phone I even ask her if it wouldn’t be cheaper to fly back to Barbados. She couldn’t find a reason to come back so soon… but maybe if I was on another island…

  The more I find out about her, the more I love her. I can’t offer her the mess my life is. It’s one of the reasons I need to sort things
out with Jeanette. I want a proper relationship with Marcie, want her to spend proper time with me. I want Jeanette to stop threatening to cite violence as a reason for the divorce. By the time I leave for Barbados, she agree to both. She realise that it might be difficult for me to get to see Marcie if she cite violence, and she will need a break from her.

  I’m only away for one week and Darron slide back on his work. I don’t know how I’m going to leave him when I go to Grand Cayman if the job come up. I phone his auntie, his mother’s sister, to ask if he can stay with them if I get the job. I explain the situation. They happy for him to stay, his cousin in the same grade, they can work together.

  I’m finding it hard to touch Mel for herself. I’m always picturing Josi when I make love to her. She say something in me change, like I’m not there half the time. I tell her I’m stressed, and it’s true. I do two more jobs for Sammy, same as before, same pay. It mean I can send something for Marcie, but I’m drinking more. I feel embarrassed every time Josi ask me about work. Sometimes I don’t pick up because I’m too ashamed to tell her I still have nothing. I can’t bear to hear about the things she’s doing when I’m sitting down all day.

  She don’t tell Richard about me. She not sure – I can sense it – especially after the email she send about me derailing her plans. I don’t fit into her plans, but I love her more than I’ve ever loved anybody. I’ve never wanted anything like I want her and what bad luck that she meet me at the worst time in my life.

  One day I’m on the phone to Sammy. His calls are usually short but I put him on hold to take an incoming call. It’s my colleague. We got the go ahead for Grand Cayman. We leave tomorrow, five o’clock.

  ‘Sorry Sammy. I can’t do this one. I’m going away for a while.’

  I don’t have any credit on my phone so I email Josi.

  Babes, our dreams are coming true. I’m shaking as I type.

  I feel like I take a shot of whatever I’ve been dropping in the trash can at the supermarket. Mel’s very quiet when I tell her.