by Lovell, Dani
“Okay, well if you change your mind. Or, if you’d like me to take you home, or to Oliver’s house, that’s cool, too.”
“Oh, I’m not sure about that…” I desperately don’t want to leave him, what if something happens? But at the same time, I feel like I need fresh air, I need to change clothes, wash this old, dry make-up off my skin and have a long drink of water.”
“It’s okay,” Bea says, her voice tiny and weak, “I will call you if anything changes, they’re not going to be reducing his drugs yet so if you’re going to go, it’s probably best you go sooner, rather than later, when he’s less likely to change. I will keep my phone in my hand, ready to call you.”
“I just don’t know if I can leave him…” I cry, softly, my face aching and tired, my eyelids hot.
“I know,” Bea says, releasing Daniel to hug me, “it’s so hard to know what’s best, rationale just doesn’t come into it. We’re all exhausted, helpless and confused, I don’t think any of us knows whether we’re coming or going.”
“I spoke to Luke,” Daniel says, changing the subject to help us focus on something else.
“Oh yes?” Bea asks as we release each other, and she turns to look at her fiancé again.
“They started packing as I was on the phone, they’re flying straight over on the first flight they can get. It was a good few hours ago so they’re probably en route already.”
“Okay, Oliver will like that,” Bea says, and I nod, silently, in agreement.
The thought of the baby being here somehow comforts me, Oliver would love to know that little Emily is with us in his room, she’s too young to understand which makes it okay, and I’m sure hearing her little baby noises will comfort him. We have video-called them many times over the past couple of months; the first time I video-called on my own, paranoia taking over about people guessing something if they see us together too much, but Tilly asked me to get Oliver over next time, so I did, and after that, we always video-called them together.
A few times, we video-called with Bea and Daniel, too, which was great fun. Oliver was just as excited to see the baby on the screen as I was, hearing about her new developments and seeing her growing. I know he’ll be excited to know she’s here in the flesh with us all.
Having been out of the room for a few moments, and feeling a little refreshed - if at all possible, I decide that maybe I can leave the hospital, if we’re very quick, I do need to get some more tampons, too, something I really don’t want to be having to think about right now.
Bea’s right, until they begin to bring him out of the deeper coma, there really is very little that will change, unless something bad happens, and I need not to think about that. I will feel a lot better if I can get this tight dress off and put something loose and comfortable on.
“Daniel, I think maybe I would like to go home quickly… do you think we could be very quick?”
“Of course, we’ll be as quick as possible, and if you change your mind at any moment, we can turn around and come straight back. How does that sound?”
“Good, thank you.” I smile gratefully. “I’m going to go in and tell Oliver.”
“I’ll stay here,” Alexia says, just in case anyone needs anything, and then maybe you can take me home when you’re back, Daniel?”
“Sure,” he says, warmly. They’re so close and warm with one another, my siblings don’t even know me that well, it’s always a bit forced when I’m around them. Doesn’t mean I don’t love them, I just don’t remember much about them from my childhood as I was younger than them, and we were always doing different things, separately, so we’re not even slightly close. My friends are the family I chose for myself; my friends and my Oliver, and one day, very soon, our baby will be, too.
I take yet another deep breath as the pain deepens again, and I decide I really need to get going now so that I can be back here with Oliver, as soon as possible, so I turn towards the double doors and step into the room again.
Walking quietly towards his parents, I rest a hand on each of their backs and lean forward to whisper that I’m going home to change and that I’d be back very quickly. They nodded in response, and declined my offer to get them anything.
I look at Oliver, still exactly the same as a few moments ago which, although isn’t ideal because I want him alert, gives me a little confidence to leave him briefly to change into something else and wash my face, before anything changes here.
“Oliver,” I whisper as I touch his forearm, “I’m just going to go home to change very quickly. I will be back as soon as possible, don’t go doing anything naughty while I’m gone. I love you.” I kiss his arm and savour the feel of his warm skin one last time beneath my fingers before I step away, forcing myself through those double doors again, praying that someone up there keeps him safe while I’m gone.
As promised, the car journey is very quick, and when we stop outside my maisonette, Daniel asks if I’d like him to accompany me or if he should use the time to quickly go to their apartment to get Bea some clothes and refreshments. I decide on the latter, it’ll be much more time efficient that way, and I’d quite like a few moments alone.
As soon as I have had an extremely quick shower, literally rinsing my body and washing my face, I throw on some baggy tracksuit bottoms with a strappy vest top and some ballet shoes, along with my original wedding ring. By the time I step outside to wait for Daniel on the doorstep, quite impatiently, he’s already returned and waiting for me. He really is a super hero, I must have only been fifteen minutes, maximum.
“Thank you so much, Daniel.”
“Not a problem. Let’s get back.”
“Um, do you think we might be able to go to Oliver’s house very quickly? I want to get him something to remind him of home.”
“Sure, sweetheart. It won’t take long to get there.”
“Thank you,” I respond, thankfully. What would we do without these incredibly helpful, thoughtful men in our lives? We have all gained wonderful, loving boyfriends/fiancés/husbands, but these men also play such a huge role amongst the rest of the group, he may be Bea’s man, but even I don’t know what I’d do without him, and the same with Luke. I think we’re the luckiest group of girls in the entire world.
Within about five minutes, Daniel pulls onto Oliver’s drive and I’m painfully surprised to see his car here. It means Oliver should be home, it looks like he’s home… he should be inside the car, waiting for me to jump in next to him so he can wink at me in his sexy way before driving us somewhere fabulous for lunch.
I remain seated as I gaze at it for a moment. “You okay?” Daniel asks, resting a hand on my arm.
“Hmm? Oh, yeah. It’s just… you know. His car.”
“Yeah, I know. I think his work colleagues brought it back from site or something.”
I nod, it’s a likely explanation, I just can’t bear the thought of someone else driving in it. I look down before forcing myself to snap out of it. “Okay, I’ll go in, I’ll be a few minutes.”
“Okay, do what you need to do, I’ll be waiting here.”
“Thank you. Have you checked your phone?”
“Yes, nothing.”
“Thank you.”
I open the door and step out, noticing the sound of my footsteps on the gravel; it’s not something I’ve really thought about before, but it’s such a familiar sound, a sound I usually hear when I’m with, or about to see Oliver. It’s an exciting sound, though today, it’s excruciating.
Slipping my key in the lock and opening the door, I am welcomed, achingly, by the scent of his house, and of him. His aftershave has a permanent presence here and it feels so wrong that he’s not moving around the house, I can smell him so clearly, so vibrantly - it’s seems inconceivable that he’s laying so still in a sterile room at the hospital when the house seems so full of his energy.
As my chest constricts and I begin to tear up, I remind myself that I need to get back to him, and that I must keep going. Get moving. I run up
stairs, trying to ignore the many things that remind me of him, to his bedroom, where I head straight to his wardrobe to pull out a blanket. They might not let me put it on him, but if they will, it would be so good for him to smell home and feel that familiarity.
I decide to take one of his hooded sweatshirts to wear, myself. I didn’t even think to bring a sweater from home as it’s a fairly warm day, but the hospital will probably be chilly and it’ll comfort me to be wrapped in Oliver. As I pull the sweatshirt from the hanger, I’m distracted by the small cupboard within the wardrobe, housing his aftershave. I slowly open it up and take out the bottle, spraying it once onto the sweater.
As I return the bottle to the others, I notice a small bag behind them, and curious to know what it is, I pull the bag out to find three, navy blue ring boxes. Our new wedding bands and my engagement ring. This is where he hid them. I press the bag against my chest and close my eyes, dropping my head back onto my shoulders and holding back the tears, remembering that wonderful day. We will wear them. Everyone knows now, so as soon as he comes around, we can put them on.
I close the wardrobe, sobering myself, taking the blanket, hoody and rings from the bedroom and I run down the stairs, suddenly desperate to get back to Oliver to tell him that I found his hiding place. I run out of the front door, slamming it behind me and hurl myself into Daniel’s posh Bentley.
“All done?” he asks.
“Yes, let’s try to get back as quickly as we can.”
“Not a problem.”
Daniel really is fantastic in a stressful situation and he returns us to the hospital in the quickest time possible. It’s extremely early in the morning on a Saturday so the roads are quiet, thank goodness, and I’m just so relieved to be back here to stay with Oliver. I definitely don’t want to leave this hospital again, without knowing my Oliver is back and will be fine.
He drops me outside so I don’t need to wait for him to park, and as I step out, he calls to me. “Go get back to your husband,” and he winks, “congratulations, Clare. You’re so right together.”
I smile sadly and nod, gratefully. Bea must have told him at some point during the night, and as much as it hurts, I love that he has acknowledged it, it makes me feel a little warm in an otherwise stone-cold situation.
When I return, Alexia is laying on the seats outside the room and immediately sits up when she sees me.
‘Hey, you okay?”
“Yes, thank you - anything happened?”
“Not that I’m aware of.”
I smile and thank her before going through to the room again. Emily and Edward have moved back to their chairs nearer the end of the bed, and Bea is sitting by Oliver’s side. They all smile as I enter.
“That was very quick,” Edward says, softly.
“I know, but it’s so early, and Saturday, too, so there was very little traffic. So I popped to Oliver’s house to get him a blanket that will remind him of home. Do you think they’ll let me put it near him?”
“Oh, how thoughtful of you,” Emily says with a kind smile, “I think that’s a wonderful idea.”
She asks the doctor who agrees, although we can’t drape it over him, we could rest it near him, possibly folded on the shoulder of the arm with no tubes. So I walk over and do just that.
“It’s Saturday?” Bea asks, a delayed reaction.
“Yeah.”
“Oh my god,” she says putting her hand over her mouth and standing, “I feel awful, it’s Daniel’s birthday and I haven’t even said anything.” I gasp, I had totally forgotten, too.
She stands to leave the room to see him and I stay next to Oliver, wearing his hoody, clutching the bag with the rings. “Hi, handsome, I’m back,” I say, running my fingers up his forearm, still utterly disturbed by his swollen and bruised eyes. “I’ve changed out of the dress now, I look a bit less glamorous in my tracky bottoms and your ‘Abercrombie’ hoody, but I’m comfy, at least.” I sit down before I continue and hold his hand, dropping the ring bag into my lap.
“I also found your secret hiding place. You probably know everyone knows about us now, so when you wake up, we can put our new rings on. I brought them with me and I’m going to leave them on the table. You better wake up soon, darling, because I can’t wait to wear mine and see you in yours.”
I look down at his hand, feeling defeated at his lack of response, and I run my fingers over his old wedding ring. I lean down to kiss it and wrap my hand around his. I feel so helpless, there’s just nothing I can do.
Two doctors enter the room and address us, Bea following them in. “We’d like to talk with you about how Oliver has progressed so far,” one of them says, and Emily immediately stands and rushes over to the bed, next to me. She rests her hand on my shoulder, and wraps an arm around Bea as Edwards joins us.
“Please, take a seat and we’ll talk it through.”
Edward moves the chairs over to Oliver’s bed and they sit with me, eagerly listening.
“Mrs. Hart, I don’t believe we had a chance to meet yesterday,” one of them says, before they both introduce themselves as a neurosurgeon and a doctor from the trauma team, and shake my hand. How absolutely bizarre that the first time someone calls me Mrs. Hart in the UK, my darling husband is laying before me in a coma, not able to share the moment with me. Well, not that I’m aware of, anyway.
The doctors continue, addressing all of us. “Right, so the monitoring is showing us that there has been a significant decrease in swelling already, which is good news. So we will be thinking about slowly reducing the Propofol, later or tomorrow to bring Oliver out of the induced coma, but as the brain’s inflammatory response to an injury tends to peak after two or three days, we will keep monitoring and maintain a lower body temperature, and he will remain on the anti-seizure medication, as we have previously discussed, for a longer period of time.”
“So does that mean he can wake up?” Emily asks.
“It means that once the level of Propofol has been reduced significantly, it will be down to his body to come around. We can’t tell you how long that will be and it is unlikely that he will just come around suddenly, the recovery of consciousness will be gradual and can take anything from hours in the mildest cases, to months, or even years in worse cases. Some people only recover to a point, never fully regaining awareness of their surroundings. As Oliver has made good progress thus far, we can hope for the former, but we cannot guarantee anything at this point, unfortunately - it’s very much a ‘wait and see’ kind of situation.”
We all nod. I felt slightly positive at the start, but the mention of the possibility of him never regaining consciousness shot that down immediately. I’m not entirely sure what this means. I’m pleased he’s going to be weaned off the drugs, but I want them to wake him up! I suppose it’s something, we can watch to see if he reacts to anything which is more than we can do now.
It’s all just so baffling. This time yesterday I was happily saying goodbye to him at home, and right now, I’m listening to doctors talking about brain trauma, inter cranial pressure and induced comas in reference to Oliver. I feel slightly numb.
“Do you have any questions, Clare?” Edward asks, snapping me out of a confused daze.
“Um… , I don’t think so, um, I don’t really know, I just don’t think I understand anything,” I say, shrugging my shoulders and unexpectedly bursting into tears feeling frustrated and lost.
Bea hugs me, and I her, as the doctors nod, sympathetically, not saying anything to make it better. I want them to fix him! I want them to tell me he’s going to be okay, not that something seems good but who knows if he’ll ever be the same again.
“At the moment, that’s all that we can tell you. We feel that the progress is promising, we’ll just have to see how things pan out after the Propofol has been reduced. We will let you know when that will start.”
“Why is he on anti-seizure medication? Is he likely to have seizures?” I ask, sniffling.
“Yes, seizures are a fairl
y common occurrence after a brain injury. There’s no specific time for these to occur, it could be very soon after the accident, or a few months later, so he will remain on the medication for some time.”
“Okay, so even if he wakes up and goes home, he’ll stay on the medication?”
“Most likely.”
“Okay.”
“Is there anything else?” The neurosurgeon asks as we all look blankly at each other, shaking our heads.
“Thank you,” says Edward, appearing to be searching for questions, but coming up with nothing.
The doctors dismiss themselves and we remain seated, silently, mulling over what they have said. A few minutes later, Emily speaks up, softly. “Oliver will be back with us in no time, you’ll see.”
I smile and nod, appreciating her positivity.
“He will, mum,” Bea says, comfortingly, “I’m going to go back out to Daniel for a little while, maybe get some fresh air. Would anyone like a coffee or anything? Did you eat anything, Clare? We all need something.”
I shake my head, eating is the last thing on my mind, I couldn’t eat a thing. “Nothing for me.”
“Nor me,” Emily says with a smile.
“I’ll get something in a while, darling, don’t worry about us. You go and have a little break with Daniel.” Edward says, gently and Bea nods, taking a look at her brother before disappearing out of the room.
After checking if his parents mind, I resume my position of last night… this morning… whenever it was, resting my head on the bed, my face in Oliver’s palm. I talk away to him, very quietly, as Emily and Edward comfort each other, having short sleeps in their chairs at the end of the bed.
I fall asleep like this again, feeling a little more comfortable in these clothes, able to curl up in the chair a little easier. Bea comes in and out sporadically, checking on him, and the rest of the morning remains this way. Daniel has been in a couple of times, too, as long as the room doesn’t get over crowded and no one is feeling unwell, apparently it’s okay. If anyone has a cold or anything, they aren’t allowed near because he’ll be susceptible to pneumonia very easily like this, so they say.
