by Lovell, Dani
There is such a huge amount of information to take in and it’s massively overwhelming at a time when you just want to collapse and succumb to this feeling of grief. I know he’s still here, and I do keep getting little bouts of positivity, but I can’t talk to him, I can’t live my life the way I would normally be…oh shit, I hadn’t even thought about the Cakery…
I lift my head from Oliver’s hand, quickly replacing it with my hand and turn to see if Bea is still in the room, and I see her sitting next to her sleeping dad, Emily is in the corner again, looking up at the ceiling.
“Bea, shall I send a text to Jessica? I hadn’t even thought about the shop.”
She raises her eyebrows and shakes her head, “No, I hadn’t either, and I wouldn’t have, had you not mentioned it. I think I’m on another planet at the moment.”
“I know. It’s understandable. I’ll go outside and do it, and get myself a drink of water. Will you hold his hand? I don’t want him to be on his own.”
She tilts her head to one side and smiles, sadly. “Of course I will. You’re so in love, you two, aren’t you?” she says, knowingly but seemingly appreciating the fact.
I nod, silently, trying not to cry again, as I release his hand and step away, letting Bea take my place.
Walking through the double doors, I head straight to the loo before returning and seeing Daniel laying on a row of chairs and as I step closer to him, he immediately wakes and sits upright. He must have taken Alexia back to my maisonette already because she’s not here. “Oh, it’s okay, Daniel. Go back to sleep, I’m just coming out to call work.”
He scratches his head and squints as if he’s woken from a very deep sleep. “Oh, no…” he says, croakily, “I called them, don’t worry.”
“Did you? Oh, Daniel - you think of everything. You’re very sweet. Thank you.”
“Not a problem. Are they here yet?”
“Who?”
“Luke and Til… they should be getting here soon.”
“Oh, no, I don’t think so… did they tell you what flight they were on?”
“Well, they couldn’t get one, so Luke called up a friend of ours, do you remember Sebastian from Aspen?”
I think back to our wonderful trip… Oliver and I… mmm. “Oh, um… the one from the bar that came back to the house and taught us all of those champagne drinking games?”
“That’s the one, are you still upset with him about that hangover?”
I smile and giggle ever so slightly, it feels good to laugh, but it makes me feel sick with guilt that I might be amused about something when my beautiful husband is lying in the next room, unresponsive.
“Anyway,” he continues, “you probably don’t remember but he is a pilot; he has a personal jet company in fact, so Luke called on the off-chance that he might have a jet with an upcoming empty leg to London. He didn’t, but given the circumstances, Seb offered to fuel up his own jet and do whatever has to be done to arrange a flight, and fly them here himself.”
“Oh wow! Friends in the right places.”
“Well, yeah. We don’t use the private jets often, only occasionally if absolutely necessary at work, but in this case, he offered and Luke accepted.”
“Oh good, so they’ll be here soon. I’m just going to get a glass of water, want anything?”
“Here…” he says, pulling an icy cold bottle from the bag at his side, “take this one, I brought a few. Would you like some fruit?”
“No, thank you.” I say, taking the bottle of water and drinking a little. My stomach churns at just a few sips, my body doesn’t want to ingest anything.
“You should eat something, even if it’s hard to stomach,” he says, gently.
“I know, thank you. I just… I just can’t right now. Maybe later.”
“Okay, well there’s enough here.”
As I take another sip of water, I look up to see Tilly and Luke rushing around the corner and a warm, comforting feeling fills my chest. They can’t make it better, but they’re here to support Oliver and they’ve brought their beautiful baby with them, which he’ll love.
Luke holds the infant carrier and walks straight over to Daniel to do their man hug thing, and Tilly bursts into tears as she crashes into me, hugging me tightly. “Oh god, how is he?” she asks, crying.
“He’s still in the coma, they said the swelling has gone down quite substantially so they’re going to wean him off the drugs that are keeping him paralysed to see if he comes around naturally. It’s a long process, apparently. It’s all a bit confusing for me, maybe Emily or Edward can explain it better.”
“It’s okay, can I see him?”
“I think so, they don’t want too many people in there, but I’ll stay here for a minute. Can I hold the baby please?”
“Yeah, of course, Luke, can you…?” she trails off as he nods and shoos her away.
“It’s through those doors,” I say, pointing to where she needs to go, and she rushes straight through.
Luke puts the car seat on the floor and crouches down to lower the handle and unclip her seatbelt. He pulls her sleeping little body out and holds her out for me, making me smile. She’s so beautiful. She’s grown so much but she’s still so tiny and perfect.
I kiss her soft cheek and rest her against my chest and shoulder as she continues to sleep. Her warm body, rising and falling against me is wonderful, I’ve missed her so much and all I want to do is take her in to show Oliver. My eyes well up again, of course, anything to do with this little baby usually makes me cry, and in this situation, I’m a mess.
“Luke, do you think I could take her in to show Oliver?”
“I don’t see why not, will the doctors be okay with that?”
“Don’t know, but I’ll soon find out. She hasn’t got a cold or anything has she?”
He shakes his head and smiles as I turn to make my way back into the room with my favourite little girl quietly sleeping in my arms, Oliver’s hoody making a perfectly soft bed for her.
I walk straight over to the side of his bed to see Tilly standing with Bea, weeping silently, but I don’t stop or think about showing the baby to Emily or Edward; I stride over to my husband and bend slightly, right by his head. “Here, darling, I don’t know if you can hear her tiny breathing, but I’m holding baby Emily right next to you. She’s sleeping so perfectly and is all snuggled up in your hoody, she’s probably thinking that Uncle Oliver smells yummy! It won’t be long until we have one of these, you’ve been so excited and I can’t wait to see you be a daddy.” I say, maintaining a sense of calm, maybe it’s subconscious because I’m holding the baby and don’t want to upset her, I don’t know, but I feel better like this.
“Um… say what?” Tilly says, frowning through her tears, “you two are going to have a baby? Together?” she asks.
“Ah… you missed that development,” Bea says.
“What development? Are you together now or something? Why didn’t anyone tell me?” she asks, pressing her fingers at the edge of her eyes to blot the remaining tears.
“They’re married, Til.” Bea says with a smile.
“What the fuck?” she cries, “Since when?”
I take a deep breath and smile, too. “Since Vegas.”
“What?” she yells, making Bea and I giggle slightly, it’s lovely to have Tilly back, it’s the worst situation to have her back in, but all three of us, together; it makes us stronger. “No. What’s happening? This is all weird.”
“We decided to do it, very last minute back in Vegas. It was lovely. But we didn’t want to say anything. It’s a long story, and it seems crazy, but we love each other. A lot. And we were about to tell everyone when…” I trail off, not needing to explain.
Tilly nods and then shakes her head, eyebrows raised. “Well this is bizarre. So you told everyone here?”
“Kind of, Oliver had asked for his wife after… when… you know. And he asked for his wedding band to be put on his finger, so when Emily and Edward got here, they we
re told that no one had been able to get hold of his wife and it went from there.”
“I just knew it was our Clare after a while though, I know my boy and what he wants,” Grown-up Emily adds with a warm smile. “Now, are you going to let me meet that gorgeous little baby girl?” she asks, and I hand her to Tilly, who takes her to namesake.
As she coos over the baby, enjoying finally meeting her, I stand by my husband’s side, wishing I could kiss his face. I spot the bag of ring boxes on the side, and decide to set them out on the side table, ready to wear when he wakes up. I open his wedding band first and my heart aches just that little bit more than it does already. Placing it on the side, I open another box; my beautiful engagement ring. It’s even more stunning than I remember, and knowing how much he loved this ring when we picked it out, makes it mean all the more to me now.
I set it down, open, next to Oliver’s band, and open the final box; my wedding ring. I smile when I see it. These rings mean something else now. They will not only symbolise our marriage, our love and commitment for one another; they’ll also symbolise Oliver coming back. When we put these rings on our fingers, Oliver will be awake, it’ll be a celebration of marriage, of being together again, and of loving each other through everything, good and bad, forever.
I place the box on the top with the others, and decide to take my band to have a closer look. I don’t know what made me do that, but as I lift it, I notice something on the inside. Upon closer inspection, my heart breaks yet again, into thousands of pieces, painfully, torturously. Tears tumble down my face as I read his inscription; ‘For my gorgeous girl, my wife, my everything.’ I run my fingertip over the imprint of his finger opposite the inscription, something I’ve never seen on a ring before, and I break down, silently, my legs giving way causing me to slowly drop to the floor on my knees, clutching the ring in my fist and holding it against my chest.
I try not to sob too loudly, if Oliver can hear me, I don’t want him worrying. I need him to come around, I need him here, I need him to wake up, god damn it!
Bea and Tilly quietly join me on the floor, creating a group embrace as Emily and Edward hold the baby. I’ve never felt so in need of my friends before, they can’t do anything to make it better, but they’re here to support and be supported. We all have a role to play here, and it’s to let ourselves break down and be comforted, and also to stay strong when we can, to comfort and strengthen each other.
I hold out my fist so they can see what triggered this particular break down, and Tilly takes the ring from my hand, looking at Oliver’s special surprise for me.
“I didn’t know,” I whisper, “he didn’t tell me…”
“Oh, darling…” Tilly says, wiping tears from her cheeks, “that’s beautiful.”
I nod, looking up and over to my poorly man. I can’t even begin to describe my love for him. He’s been the only one for me, my entire life. I’ve always known it, so why was I so fucking stupid? Wasting all of that precious time that we could have been together, trying to convince us both that we’ll only ever be friends?
Life is too short, I should have grown some bollocks and just admitted to myself that I have never stopped loving him. I adore him, and always have. I swear to God, if he just gets better, if he can come back to us, I will absolutely dedicate the rest of my life to looking after him, being the wife he so deserves, bringing up his beautiful children and loving him unconditionally, the way I have always, forever. I promise. Even if he has to lay here for five years, I will be here with him, every step of the way, encouraging him, telling him how much I love him, until it’s enough for him to wake up.
I want to be wherever he is, with him. If they allowed me to lay down next to him, to hug him and fall asleep with him, maybe I could meet him in my dreams. Maybe, together, we could join and smile again, kiss each other… even if it is only until my dream ends and I wake up in this room. Oh how I wish I could just hug him, wrap my arms around his beautiful body and feel his warmth cocooning me again.
All those times when I woke up beneath him or pressed against him and too hot, when I rolled away to lay by myself to cool down - I’d never do that, why didn’t I deal with the heat and just savour every second of being close to him?
I think back to that time in the kitchen the first time he danced in there with me, to what we now like to think of as ‘our song’; Roberta Flack’s ‘The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face’. We’ve done that so many times since then, each time, my arms tightly wrapped around him, loving him so wholly. I need it.
I stand, stepping away from my friends to find my mobile phone, and when I do, I flick through until I find my music app and immediately search for our song.
“Um, Emily, Edward… would you mind terribly if I played a song? It’s something that Oliver dances with me to, in the kitchen,” I burst into tears again as I continue, “it’s become important to us and I think he’d like to hear it.”
“Of course, music might be good for him.” Edward says with a warm, comforting smile, and I press play, gratefully.
The room is silent, apart from the noise of the machines, as we all anticipate the start of the song. The beautiful tune that introduces the lyrics already makes me desperately sad, but I need to hear it. He needs to hear it. I sit by his side again, and rest my face in his hand so he can feel my skin while he listens.
As she begins to sing, I moan softly into his hand, desperately and painfully. I can hear others quietly crying, too, and though I feel bad for making them even more emotional, this is to help Oliver, and I’m certain it will. He would love this. Maybe not all the crying, but he’ll love hearing this song.
Emily approaches me from behind and clutches on to my back, holding me close to her before whispering in my ear, “Oh, darling. I used to play this for Oliver when he was a baby.” I lift my head and turn to look at her, and she nods, tearfully, weeping, and I can only wrap my arms around her tightly, sobbing into her shoulder, along with her. This is so special for her, too. I so hope that Oliver is remembering that, as well.
As the song continues, Bea cuddles up to her father, Emily continues to hold me tightly as we weep and Tilly gently rocks her baby in her arms, watching her sleeping. It’s the most beautiful song for mothers, as well as lovers, and there’s no way I won’t be playing it for my baby, whilst Oliver and I dance with her. Or him. This will always be the most important song in the world for me, and I will not let my sadness at this moment change that. I have had so many wonderful memories, dancing with my love to this, and this is helping him come around. It is. It’s sad, but right now, it’s positive. And now to know that it’s so special for his mum, too, it just makes it all the more meaningful.
When the song finally finishes, we remain as we are for some time, until the baby wakes and begins to get fidgety for her milk. Tilly takes her outside and we gradually disperse and change positions, getting comfortable again.
The day remains this way, taking turns at Oliver’s bedside, holding his hand and talking to him, softly talking with each other, trying our hardest not to cry or do anything that will have Oliver worrying about us. I hold the baby next to Oliver as often as I can, it’s an extreme comfort for me, I know he’ll enjoy it, and it gives me a feeling of strength, I need to be strong holding her and she makes me excited about what Oliver and I will have, very soon.
When it’s very late, Tilly and Luke head back to Bea and Daniel’s place and the rest of us stay here. No one wants to leave, and as Daniel is so incredibly helpful, he’s ferrying people around, travelling back and forth from each of our houses to bring us changes of clothes and anything else we may need. He’s wonderful, he really is, and Bea, even through her worrying and sadness, can’t help but show him how absolutely grateful she is to have him, constantly hugging and kissing him, thanking him for being her rock.
Her rock. My rock is unconscious. Still.
CHAPTER 19
WEDNESDAY 21ST AUGUST
It’s restless. Sleeping in a chai
r is never ideal, but sleeping in a chair for five nights when you really don’t want to sleep, just in case you miss something, is hideously restless and uncomfortable.
These past few days have been… just exhausting. Worrying, crying, smiling, remembering, missing… it’s just so destroying. They’ve weaned Oliver off the coma-inducing drugs now, and we’re just waiting for him to respond to something. Anything.
On Monday, we noticed him frowning a little which excited us massively, though nothing developed after that. His fingers moved a little yesterday, but again, we were told to expect that and it didn’t happen again, but since then, we’ve been watching like hawks, waiting for anything else.
The swelling around his eyes has gone down a little, though they are still terribly bruised, but he’s pretty much the same as he was the day he came in here, but with every day, I’m finding it harder and harder to leave him - even just to go to the loo, in case he moves and I miss it. Knowing that he could wake up gradually now, I can’t bear to be away from him.
Alexia has been going to the London office all day, helping to cover for Daniel as he stays with us, doing anything he can to make things easier. He’s comforting Bea so wonderfully, and I’m sure her parents are just as grateful to him for his support. I don’t think they could wish for a more considerate, loving son-in-law as the one they are about to get.
Tilly and Luke have been coming and going with the baby as frequently as possible. I still find a huge comfort in sitting next to Oliver with the baby in my arms; a couple of nights back, they stayed well into the night and I was able to sit there next to him, the sleeping baby cradled in my arms for hours, calming me, helping me smile and remember joy again.
Last night, they went home to have a good night’s rest. It must be about five in the morning now, Emily and Edward are sleeping in their chairs and Bea is out in the hall with Daniel. She told me a few hours ago that she needed to cuddle up and fall asleep with her man for a little while, as they haven’t even been sleeping in a bed together for the last few nights. He offers her comfort like Oliver offers it to me, so I can fully appreciate her need to be together with him for a while.
