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Completely Captivated

Page 22

by A. D. Justice


  “What did I do?” He appeared genuinely confused and concerned. “What are you talking about?”

  “Look, I’ve already had one man play the amnesia card on me. I’m not falling for that bit from you.”

  “I’m serious, Christa. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Maybe because you were way too drunk to be out alone, much less coming to my apartment at that time of night.”

  “I went to your apartment last night?” He furrowed his brow and scraped his hands across his face. “Put a Bible in front of me, I will swear on a stack of them I don’t remember that at all.”

  I recounted the entire scene, from the time he knocked on my door to when Aaron slept on my couch because I didn’t want to be alone.

  His slightly green complexion paled to nearly translucent white by the time I finished. His guest slid out the door at some point during our mostly one-sided conversation. When the door clicked shut, Jared didn’t even look up to acknowledge her departure.

  When he finally did raise his head, the ice around my heart melted a minuscule amount. Tears dropped from his eyes and ran down his cheeks. He didn’t wipe them away, and the pain radiated from his eyes when he met my unaffected gaze.

  “I’m so sorry. Normally, I’d say you were crazy for even thinking I’d do anything to hurt you—physically or emotionally. But apparently, I’d be wrong. The last thing I remember was meeting my buddy from school for a few drinks. A couple of beers turned into a lot of shots.

  “How can I fix this? How can I fix us? We’ve been friends forever. I can’t lose you like this.”

  “Who was the girl here with you? What was her name?”

  He wiped his face and stared at the floor for several seconds. “I don’t know. I don’t even remember where I met her or how we got here.”

  “Jared, I think you have a drinking problem, and you need to seek help for it. I watched my mother succumb to her addiction demons for years. You’re headed down the same road, and you’ll find out too late that the bridge is out.”

  He started to protest, saying he was simply having a good time with friends, then promptly stopped himself. “You’re right. I never would’ve done the things you said I did if I hadn’t been so fucked up. Knowing I hurt you like that tears me up inside.” He paused and took a few seconds to look deeply into my eyes. “I love you. I hate myself for putting you in this position. This is a selfish question, so I’ll apologize now for asking. Will you stand by me while I get help?”

  “I will support you and cheer you on from the sidelines.”

  That was the best I could give him under the circumstances. I’d decided on the way to his condo our lifelong friendship had come to an end. But seeing him so broken tugged on my nostalgic heartstrings. If he genuinely sought help and completed a substance abuse program, we might be able to salvage our friendship.

  He showered, and we went to his parents’ house together—but in separate vehicles—to break the news to them. He had a loving and supportive family to help him through whatever he faced. I left them to talk about his options as a family. I had enough problems of my own to sort out.

  By the time I finished running errands on my only day off, the sun had started to set. Then I was alone in my apartment and staring at my phone.

  No call.

  No text.

  No word from Aaron all day.

  Where could he be?

  I remembered I never opened the letter he left beside my breakfast. In my hurry to tear Jared a new one, I’d completely neglected to read what Aaron had to say.

  * * *

  My love—

  I remember the night I spent making love to your body before we actually had sex. The scent of your arousal. The softness of your skin. The taste of your kiss.

  I remember everything about you. You have the biggest heart and give love without fear of rejection. You have the most beautiful soul and the most gorgeous personality. I hope you never change, regardless of what happens with us.

  Day Sixty-Seven: I love how you lick your bottom lip when you want me but you’re too embarrassed to tell me. It’s sexy as fuck.

  Forever yours,

  Aaron

  * * *

  I sat at the table, reading and rereading the letter, soaking in every word. I felt his hands on me. I heard his breaths in my ear. I craved the way he licked and bit the tender skin on my neck.

  My God, I missed my husband so much.

  Safe and Secure

  Christa

  * * *

  The texts had slowed down considerably over the past three weeks, and I’d hardly seen Aaron at all in that time. While he used to send the texts daily and the intermittent letters, I was lucky to receive a couple texts per week. I hadn’t received a letter in a while, and wondered if I would. He came into my café the same days every week. I wanted Allie to ask where he’d been, but she hadn’t.

  She called me out on it one morning.

  “Not knowing where he’s been is driving you crazy. You need to woman up and ask your husband what he’s been filling his days with. Before someone else does.” Her words struck a chord in me I’d not fully experienced before. It was a mixture of sheer panic, heartbreak, and jealousy.

  “What makes you think I even care?” I threw back at her.

  She stopped wiping the empty table and speared me with her penetrating glare. “You may be able to bullshit some people, but not me, Christa Lanes-Rivers. So why don’t you try leveling with me, and with yourself, instead of running from your feelings?

  “Yes, Aaron fucked up your relationship. But you’ve done your fair share to keep it fucked up. Make up your mind if you want him around and quit stringing him along. Because you’re not being fair to him, just like Jared wasn’t fair to you when he was away at college. And, you’re being an immature little bitch about it.”

  Ouch.

  What hurt even worse than her words was knowing I couldn’t argue. I hadn’t given Aaron the same respect I’d expected from Jared. Only Aaron deserved more because at least he tried to reconcile with me.

  Or he was trying, at least. Had he given up on my stupid ass?

  He should come in that morning, if he continued the same schedule he had over the past few weeks. I arrived extra early that morning to cook, finding myself eager to make something special for his breakfast. Like I did when we first met.

  That day seemed so long ago now. Looking back hurt because I realized something that morning, when I burned my arm removing the trays from the oven. As much as the day he presented me with a divorce settlement devastated me, learning about his medical condition must have had a similar impact on him.

  Yet, he never gave up on me, no matter how hard I tried to push him away. Regardless of how stubborn and resistant I’d been to his attempts, he’d been true to his word. He’d told and shown me repeatedly he loved me.

  I could only hope and pray I hadn’t waited too long.

  Every time the bell chimed with a new customer, I was disturbingly excited and hopeful I’d see Aaron walking in. Then when I realized he wasn’t there yet, my spirits fell a little more. He was usually there by 7:00 a.m., so at 9:45, I was convinced he’d moved on without me.

  “Good morning.” I knew that smooth, masculine voice. The one that wrapped around me like a warm blanket on a cold night. The one I needed to hear and feel. The one I loved.

  I turned to face him, my heart catching in my throat. “Good morning. I’d nearly given up on you.” My words held a double meaning, and I wondered if he’d pick up on it.

  “You were expecting me?” He sounded surprised—and hopeful. I’d been so wrapped up in my own hurt, I hadn’t stopped to consider how badly I’d hurt him over the past several weeks.

  “I hoped I’d see you today. You’ve probably already had breakfast somewhere else. Can I get you some coffee?”

  “Actually, I’m starving. I was out all night and didn’t get home until just before sunrise this morning. I’d
love to stay in bed all day, but sleep will have to wait.”

  He was out all night? Had he met someone else?

  “You said you hoped I’d be here this morning. Is there something we need to talk about?”

  After he spoke again, I realized I’d been standing there staring at him with my mouth open. Attractive, Christa. Real slick.

  “Yes, if you have time to talk. We can have breakfast together and talk if you’d like.”

  “Sure. Whatever’s easiest for you is fine with me. I’ll have whatever you’re having.” He pulled his wallet out and handed me a $20 bill. “I’ll even buy your breakfast for you.”

  Just like with every other time he tried to pay, I took his money and put it underneath the cash drawer. He had no idea, but it was important to me.

  “Pick a table with a view for us. I’ll be right back.”

  That smile. He flashed that smile at me, and my heart ran wild. Before the flush on my cheeks gave my thoughts away, I turned and rushed to the kitchen to grab our plates from the warming drawer.

  On my way back, I noticed he picked the table directly in front of the hall that led to the kitchen rather than the one in front of the picture window. “This is your table with a view?”

  “Yep. A view of your nice ass walking away from me and your beautiful face walking toward me. No table anywhere provides a better view than this one.”

  My plan to hide the blush covering my face and neck was pointless, so I smiled and shook my head at him. He stood and took the plates from me. “You love to embarrass me. Let me grab our coffees so I can at least hide my face behind the cup.”

  His laughter followed me to the carafe, and a sense of loss hit me from nowhere. I hadn’t heard that laugh in so long, and I’d missed it so much. With an internal pep talk and a focused effort to avoid appearing sad, I returned to him with two steaming cups. I was überconscious of his eyes tracking my every move.

  “What’s this? A new menu item? It looks delicious.” He was so relaxed, not at all the bundle of nervous energy I was.

  “It’s not on the menu,” I admitted. “I made it just for you.”

  He looked up from his plate with only a tiny glimmer of hope in his expression, and I realized I caused the doubts he had about us. With my indecisive behavior and mixed signals. “You did?”

  Anyone would only try for so long before accepting the inevitable. Most guys would’ve given up long ago. Was that where he was?

  “Yes. Allie said something that really hurt me, because it’s true. I’ve held on to you while I pushed you away. With one breath, I tell you I want you around, and in the next, I tell you to leave me alone. I haven’t been fair to you in all this, and I’m so sorry. I can’t apologize enough.

  “Allie said I need to make up my mind about you, one way or the other. She’s absolutely right. For both of our sakes, and sanity, we have to talk about what we honestly want. Without letting our pride or stubbornness get in the way.”

  “Sounds good. Ladies first. Tell me what you want.”

  His reply stunned me silent for a second. After my long-winded speech, I expected more of a reaction. Maybe I also hoped he’d be the first to declare his undying love for me, making my confession easier to relay.

  Woman up, I heard Allie chide me in my head. She bossed me around even when she wasn’t here.

  After I took a deep breath to calm my nerves, I decided to just tell him. No holds barred. No fear of rejection. We both deserved complete honesty, especially now that I was finally facing my true feelings.

  “I’m scared, Aaron. Underneath this ‘I can handle everything because I’m tough’ act, everything scares me. When I first saw you, I was captured by your handsomeness, but even more than that, by your confidence. Then when you were interested in me, I couldn’t believe it. You chose me, of all people.

  “I never took chances. I played everything safe. But with you, that was the first time I listened to that voice that asked, ‘what’s the worst that can happen?’

  “For a while, we were perfect. Everything just seemed to fall into place, like we were meant to be. Then I found out exactly what the worst thing that could happen was, and losing you nearly destroyed me.”

  I stopped to take a breath and gave him a chance to speak, because I had so much more to say. But he was silent. He was listening intently, but silently.

  “I never talk about my family for a reason. I’ve told you some of it, at a surface level only, though. My mom is an alcoholic and a drug addict, has been my whole life. She was abusive—physically and mentally. When she wasn’t berating me, she neglected me.

  “My father is equally a winner. He knew what she was doing to me, and he left us anyway. I’m grown, so I’m not blaming my behavior on my parents. But the deep-seated insecurities resurface occasionally. If my own father didn’t think I was worth the trouble, why would any other man?”

  “And then, when your best friend didn’t bother to keep in touch with you, it only exacerbated those insecurities. Right?”

  “Right,” I whispered, grateful he understood. “I made excuses for my father at first. Then I made excuses for Jared. But I was wrong about both of them. So when I felt betrayed by you, something inside me broke, and I couldn’t let myself give you another chance.

  “If I played it safe before, I’ve completely closed myself off to everything now. If I gave you another chance, and you hurt me again, I’d never recover from it.”

  “So that’s it, then? That’s your decision? You’ve decided to live the rest of your life alone and afraid?” His elbows were on the table, his body leaned in toward me, and he was completely attuned to me. As he spoke, he leaned back, withdrawing from me, and crossed his arms over his chest, shutting me out.

  “It was my decision,” I clarified. “At first. Until reality slapped me across the face. By hurting you, I’m hurting myself over and over again. By cutting you out of my life, I’m cutting my heart out of my chest. When you’re all I think about and all I want, I’m depriving us both of happiness by holding on to my stupid fears. I’m so sorry for blaming you for everything that’s wrong between us. My heart knows what my pride has tried to fight. I love you, Aaron. I always have, and I always will. And…” I swallowed the lump of emotion clogging my throat. “I miss my husband.”

  His silence concerned me, but his refusal to look at me downright terrified me. Had I wasted too much time sorting through my feelings?

  When he finally made eye contact with me, the happiness I hoped to see on his face after my declaration of love was nowhere to be found. His pensive expression was understandable; he was absorbing everything I’d finally admitted. I could even empathize if he wasn’t yet fully convinced that I was committed to him and our marriage. But there was a deep sadness I saw and felt in his eyes, and I didn’t know how to interpret it.

  The little girl inside me was frightened and told me to get up and walk away. Accept it was over right then before I invested more of myself in a one-sided love affair. My automatic shields wanted to go up, protecting me from further heartache and embarrassment…from rejection…from abandonment.

  But I fought against her with every beat of my heart. Because my heart was sitting across the table from me, and I was not ready to give up on my happily ever after yet. Rather than assume I knew what he was thinking and cause more trouble, I took Allie’s advice to woman up. At least I’d know without a shadow of a doubt where we stood when I heard it from him.

  “Talk to me, Aaron. This is a time for brutal honesty. Tell me what’s on your mind, regardless of how hard it is to say, or even if you think you’ll hurt me.”

  Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

  Aaron

  * * *

  Listening to Christa open up about her childhood and how the hurtful events of her past affected her today made me want to protect and shelter her even more than I already did. What her parents put her through, how they treated her, pissed me the fuck off. I wanted to punch that dickhe
ad Jared in the face for treating her like a second-rate friend for so long, when she’d been nothing but good to him.

  Then there was me. What I did to her. How I contributed to all these feelings. My actions were the final blow that pushed her over the edge into not believing in anyone anymore. But she didn’t know about the schemes I’d concocted to win her back. The games, the intentional mindfucks for someone who already battled enough tormentors in her own mind.

  Let’s not forget I hadn’t told her about my own utter failures in life. How could my confidence attract her when I faked every second of it?

  When I told her everything, would I lose her for good?

  With all my heart, I knew I didn’t deserve her. But I couldn’t delay the inevitable any longer.

  “Thank you for sharing your life with me.” I meant those words in every conceivable way they could be perceived. “There are a few things I need to tell you before you decide if you want to be married to me or not. I’ll abide by whatever you want.”

  She nodded, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears and her chin quivering slightly. But she held on to her stubborn pride, swallowed hard, and gave me all her attention.

  “I’m sure if you’ve questioned my relationship with Lance once, you’ve questioned it a hundred times. He’s my brother and he loves me, that much I know, even if his actions appear otherwise.

  “When I was a sophomore in college, I knew it all. Young, stupid, and more interested in partying than anything else. I’d just turned twenty, so in hindsight, maybe I should’ve cut myself some slack. But my parents and my brother didn’t, so why should I, right? A couple of my fraternity brothers had arranged for an off-campus party to celebrate…something, I don’t even know what. It was probably just an excuse to get drunk and have a good time, but I eagerly participated.

  “I’d been seeing this girl for a few weeks and had finally convinced her to have sex. She was a virgin, I was her first, she was in love with me. For the record, I did care about her, but I wasn’t in love with her. I was a horny twenty-year-old sophomore who was just having a good time.

 

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