Out Of Line

by Jen McLaughlin

  Still, I held myself back, even though the sweat pouring down my forehead was stinging my eyes. “I…don’t want to…hurt you.”

  “You won’t.” She cupped my cheeks and smiled up at me, her eyes shining with tears and something else. “I trust you.”

  I swallowed hard, the guilt threatening to overwhelm me. To choke me. I needed to tell her the truth. Now. “I have to tell you something. I’m—”

  She curled her hands behind my neck and jerked me down, kissing me passionately. When she arched her hips up, taking me completely inside of her, I groaned and pressed even farther in. She increased the pressure of her lips, her teeth digging into my lower lip, and moved again.

  “Carrie, I—”

  “Tell me later,” she demanded against my mouth. “I need you. Harder.”

  And that? That was my undoing.

  I pulled out of her and thrust inside, sure and fast. She moaned and scratched her nails down my back, so I repeated the gesture. As I moved inside of her, something inside of me gave way, and I knew I would never go back to the way I’d been before her.

  Her legs clamped around me even tighter, and her breathy cries grew quicker. She was close. So close. I reached down between us, never breaking the kiss, and pressed my thumb against her clit. She moaned into my mouth and pumped her hips up once, twice, then came—her body tensing all around me. I slid out of her and drove back inside, my own orgasm taking control of my body within seconds of her release.

  I collapsed on top of her and buried my face in her neck. Taking a deep breath, I tried to remember the last time I’d felt this way after sex, but I came up empty. I had never felt so damned happy and satisfied after sex until…until Carrie.

  I couldn’t lose her. Not now. Not ever.

  Now that was what I called a study session. I closed my eyes and took a nice, long breath. No matter how many times I read the why and how of sex, nothing compared to the reality of it. The reality of Finn touching my bare skin, moving inside of me and taking me higher and higher…

  Yeah. Nothing.

  I shivered and within seconds he had a blanket over me. He was always so considerate and compassionate. I shivered, he got a blanket. I yawned, he got me to go to sleep. I needed to study, he kidnapped me and forced me to do so. He was supportive, hot, and honest.

  Cory didn’t have a clue what he was talking about.

  Finn was everything I wanted in a partner and more. I wouldn’t grow to hate him for his “faults.” Heck, I had yet to see any faults at all. Surely he had some, everyone did, but he hid them well. He stood up and headed for the trash can as I watched. The back view was almost as enticing as the front.

  Almost.

  He turned on his heel and scratched the back of his head. He always did that when he was nervous. I knew that about him. Why would he be nervous?

  “You want another milkshake now?” he asked, his voice uncharacteristically hesitant. “We can sip on them while we finish studying.”

  “I already got my reward.” I sat up, bringing the blanket with me. “What possible reason do I have to study now?”

  He raised a cocky brow, and just like that, the Finn I knew was back. “Your grades? Your father? Your whole life?”

  “Eh.” I shrugged. “I like your methods of persuasion far better than those.”

  He grinned and crossed the room, then bent down to give me a lingering kiss before pulling away. His hand remained on my neck, his touch gentle. “Then far be it for me to leave you hanging. I’ll go clean up, but we need to talk. Deal?”

  “Talk? That sounds serious.”

  “Nah. It’s just something I have to tell you.” He gave me a lingering kiss, but seemed as if he didn’t want to let go. As if something was wrong. “I’ll be right back.”

  He gave me one last look before he headed into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. I let out a little sigh and slid out of the bed. As much as I’d like to remain here all night, he was right. I had studying to do, and I wasn’t about to do that naked. I got dressed in my clothing, but couldn’t find my shirt anywhere. When I spotted his red shirt lying on the floor, I grinned and slipped it over my head.

  It smelled like him. Delicious.

  As I hugged the shirt close to me, I caught sight of his phone lying on the floor under the table. I reached down and pulled it out, intending to set it down on the table so he wouldn’t be looking for it later, but right when I picked it up, the screen lit up. I tried not to look. I really, really did. It’s not like I wanted to be that girl who snooped through my boyfriend’s phone for hints of other women in his life. And yet…

  My gaze flitted to the closed bathroom door before it returned to the phone in my hand, and what I saw there made my heart stop and my stomach twist in tight, painful knots. As if the floor dropped out from underneath me, letting me crash to my death five hundred feet below. At first it was the all capital letters in the text message that drew my attention. Dad texted in all caps, as did most older people. But then I looked at the number, and my entire body went all weak and shaky with disbelief. Confirmation came swift and hard, like a kick in the stomach. I’d know that phone number anywhere.

  I read the text again.

  Have you seen her today? Is she studying with Cory?

  For a second, I hoped I picked up the wrong phone. That I held my own phone in my hand, and not his. That would be so much better than the alternative. So much better than knowing that the first person I trusted enough to let get close to me, the first man I could possibly see myself falling in love with, was nothing more than a spy sent by Dad.

  Oh my God. I was such a fool. I’d fallen for it all, without even questioning why a guy like Finn would want me. Without a second thought or a backward glance. Now I was staring the truth in the face. Dad was texting Finn, and Finn was hanging out with me because he had to, not because he wanted to. He’d been sent here to babysit me, and I’d been dumb enough to believe he might actually be interested in me.

  That he actually cared.

  I blinked back tears when the bathroom door opened, and Finn came out wearing a pair of boxers. “About that talk, how about if we—?”

  He scanned the room until he found me, and then he broke off midsentence. He looked first at the phone in my hand, then at my face. He paled and stopped walking midstride. He opened his mouth, closed it, then tried for a casual tone of voice. “You okay, babe?”

  Okay? No, I was not okay. I was horrible. Terrible. Ready to cry and scream and kill Dad for doing this to me. For sending Finn to watch me. For sending a man I could so easily fall in love with, then ripping him away from me without a second thought.

  And I was even madder at myself for falling for it.

  “Was it all a lie?” I asked, my voice miraculously even, even if it came out soft. I slowly lifted my head. “Tell me the truth for once. Was it all a lie?”

  He flinched and seemed to break out of a trance. He crossed the room and held his hands out in front of him. “No. Please, let me explain.”

  “No.”

  I stumbled to my feet and backed away from him. I couldn’t bear his touch after all of this. After he…oh, God. No. I couldn’t even think about it right now. I tossed his phone onto the couch, not wanting to hold it another second. In some sick way, I almost blamed the phone for all of this. If I hadn’t picked it up, I wouldn’t be feeling like the world had stopped spinning.

  “Carrie, I didn’t pretend to like you. It’s not history repeating itself.”

  “Oh my God, you know all about that too?” I covered my face with my hands. Somehow, him knowing all about my embarrassing past made it worse. So much worse. “Did you get a file on me? All my dirty little secrets?”

  He flinched. “Yes.”

  “Unbelievable.” I swallowed hard, my head spinn
ing so fast I couldn’t even keep up. “I can’t believe it was all a lie. Do you have any idea how much I liked you?”

  “Please. Let me explain.”

  My heart twisted so hard it hurt. “Explain what, exactly? How you lied to me to get close to me? How you pretended to care about me? Or maybe how you slept with me because my dad told you to?”

  “No.” His voice broke. “It’s not what it looks like.”

  “So you’re not watching me for my father and reporting back to him?”

  He flinched. “I am. But—”

  “There are no buts in this situation. None at all.” I let out a harsh laugh. “God, I’m such an idiot.”

  “It wasn’t all a lie. Not the way I feel about you.”

  “Don’t even go there.” I stared at the bed, the sheets still rumpled from our recent bout of sex. Swallowing hard, I covered my face with my hands. My stomach lurched, and I swallowed back the bile threatening to rise. “I can’t believe I…we…”

  “Carrie, don’t think like that. What we did there has nothing to do with your father,” he said, his voice raspy. His hand rested on my shoulder. “I wasn’t even supposed to—”

  I shrugged off his hand and dug my nails into my palms. The pain was a welcome distraction from the stronger, more mind-numbing pain he was causing me. “Don’t touch me! I trusted you. Actually trusted you.”

  His shoulders drooped and he held out his hands. “I know. I’m sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am.”

  “I don’t want to hear a single apology.” I pushed my hair out of my eyes and shook my head in disbelief. “What you felt or pretended you felt means nothing to me anymore. Just tell me everything from the beginning. How do you know my father?”

  “I work for him.” He clenched his hands at his sides. A muscle in his jaw ticked, but otherwise he looked completely unaffected. “I was sent here to watch over you because I’m the youngest in the security squad.”

  “Wait…what?” He couldn’t possibly work for Dad. I’d have remembered seeing him around the house. “I’ve never seen you there before. I know all the guys.”

  “I started working for him while you were abroad. When you came back, the senator hid me. His plan was already in motion,” he said, his shoulders straight and his head held high. “I didn’t want to do it, but he promised me a higher position and a raise if I stuck it out for a year.”

  Stuck it out for a year. As if it would be so horrible spending time with me. At least he had found a pleasing way to pass the time for himself. Seduce the senator’s daughter and laugh about it after. I swallowed past the tears threatening to escape. “Wow. So you get paid for banging his daughter behind his back. That must be poetic justice, huh?”

  “No.” He reached for me, but before he could touch skin, I stepped back and gave him a dirty look. His hands fell back to his sides. “It wasn’t like that. It’s not like that. If he knew what I did, I’d be fired, and so would my father. He works for your dad too.”

  “Your father?” I eyed him, trying to figure out who his father could possibly be. There was only one man with a son who could be Finn’s age, and he was the one I liked the best, of course. “Oh my God. Not Larry?”

  Finn flinched. “Yes.”

  “But his son isn’t called Finn. He’s Griffin…oh...” I sank onto the couch, my legs trembling. “Oh my God.”

  “I didn’t lie about my name. Finn is my nickname, and I kept my mother’s name because she was worried her side of the family would die out. There were lots of Hannigans, but no more Corams.” He tugged on his hair and shook his head. “I didn’t want to lie to you. I didn’t like doing this. I’m sorry.”

  It hurt enough knowing he’d been lying this whole time. To know that he hadn’t really liked me or even cared about me. Hearing him apologize for the farce was too much. “Stop saying that.”

  “But I am sorry.”

  I ignored him. I had to keep focusing on finding out the why and how, or I would break. I needed cold, hard facts. “How often did you have to report back to him? Did he…?” I paused, scared to ask this next question. Scared of what the answer might be. “Did he tell you to pretend to want to be with me? To act like you were interested in me?”

  “No.” He dropped to his knees in front of me, his gaze latched with mine. “I swear to you that nothing between us was a lie on that front. Not the friendship. Not the sex. Not a single conversation. I fell for you, and I fell hard. There was no fighting or pretending. None of it was a ploy to get close to you.”

  “You’re telling me that you came up to me on the beach simply because you had to know me?” I leveled a look on him and when he flushed I had my answer. “Exactly. Contrary to what I’ve shown you so far, I’m not gullible.”

  “I know you’re not, but I’m telling you the truth.” He looked toward the bed, then back at me. “I care about you, Carrie. More than I care about my job or myself. More than I should ever have let myself care for you.”

  “Stop saying that,” I demanded, covering my ears. I couldn’t believe him. Not ever again. “You’re a liar and I don’t trust you, so just stop.”

  “I know.” He nodded and stumbled back from me, his mouth held taught. “I’m sorry.”

  If he said he was sorry one more time, I’d scream. Literally scream. I pulled my phone out and started typing Dad’s number. This was over right now. “I’m calling him.”

  “I know.” He paled even more. “Go ahead. Tell him how much I fucked up.”

  I paused with my finger over the screen. He’d said something about his father earlier. If I called Dad, would Larry get fired? “So what happens if I call my dad and tell him I know what he did? Will he send you home?” I hovered with my finger over the send button.

  His shoulders drooped and he fell back against the wall. “Yeah. I’m sure I’ll be fired, and you’ll never have to see me again.”

  Still, I hesitated. “Why did it have to be a lie? Why you too?”

  He took a shaky breath. “Carrie, please.” He dragged his hands down his face. “I swear to you I didn’t mean to hurt you. I tried so hard not to fall for you. To push you away. But I couldn’t.”

  I swallowed hard. “Are you really twenty-three?”

  “Yes.”

  “Are you really a Marine?”

  He dropped his head into his hands and sighed. “Yes.” He lifted his head. “I told you, the only lies between us were the fact that I didn’t tell you why I was here.” His jaw flexed and he pushed to his feet. “The rest is real. I am still your friend and your—”

  I laughed harshly. “You’re not my friend. You were never my friend. It was all an assignment.”

  He flinched. “At first, maybe, but not now. Not for a long time.”

  My heart squeezed so tightly I couldn’t breathe. Oh, how I wanted to believe him. How much my heart begged for him to be telling me the truth. But that’s exactly why I couldn’t. I’d fallen for his lies once. I wouldn’t do it again. “Just stop. Stop the act. I’m not standing here so you can lie to me. All I want is information.”

  He just stared at me. “What else do you want to know?”

  Everything. Nothing. What I really wanted was for us to go back in time to a few minutes ago. Back to when I’d been blissfully unaware of the fact that Finn had been spending time with me because he had to.

  “How often do you report to him?”

  “Every day,” he said. “I watch you and report back to him every day. I’m supposed to keep doing so throughout the next year.”

  I clung to the table next to me, giving him my back. He’d been following me. Studying my motions like some sick stalker or something. All in the name of Dad’s twisted need to control me. To control my life. The thought left a sick taste in my mouth. “Why did you let me get this close when you k
new it would come to this?”

  “I couldn’t stop myself.” His footsteps crept closer. “I fell for you hard, Ginger.”

  I whirled and shoved him backward as hard as I could. So hard my palms hurt, but it still wasn’t hard enough. I would never be able to hurt him as much as he hurt me. “Don’t you dare call me that now. Not ever again. You don’t have that right anymore.”

  “Fine.” He didn’t back down at all, his eyes flashing. “Go ahead and call it in. Tell your father I failed. Tell him to fire me.”

  “So he can send another man out here in your place?”

  He shrugged, the motions carefree, but the look in his eyes did nothing to hide the tension swirling inside him. “The next one will probably be better at keeping his hands to himself.”

  I curled my fists. “Unlike you?”

  “Unlike me.” He met my eyes again, challenging me. “Go ahead. You know you want the satisfaction of seeing me canned. I can see it in your eyes. You hate me. Get your revenge.”

  I didn’t hate him. This would be so much easier if I did.

  I swallowed past the words dying to come out. The ones that begged him to not really be a spy or a traitor. The ones that would kill my pride with one great, sweeping blow. I should do exactly what he said—call Dad. But if I did that, Dad would simply send another spy in. At least with Finn, I knew what to expect.

  Was that reason enough to keep him around? I couldn’t imagine having to see him every day after this. To be reminded of how much an idiot I had been, time and time again. “What will happen to your dad?”

  Finn’s façade crumbled. Guilt took its place, and he yanked on his hair. “He’ll lose his big pension, but that’s my responsibility to bear, not yours. Do it.”

  I liked his dad, but that wasn’t why I hesitated. That wasn’t why I wasn’t pulling the trigger, so to speak. No, something besides empathy drove me. Something uglier and more self-serving. “You want me to do it. You want to be sent away, don’t you?”