Southern Girl

by Lukas,Renee J.

  Jess could see it all so clearly. Men and women were different. Aside from the obvious, men were all about making sure their needs were met, while women were all about making sure everyone else’s needs were met. There was her mother, refilling Danny’s glass of water, even though he had two perfectly working legs. It made Jess wonder who he’d grow up to be. When you’re served everything, at what point do you start to notice or care if anyone else’s glass is full? Why bother? Jess wondered these things while her family buzzed about Danny’s decisions after his senior year.

  If it wasn’t for her mother’s insistence, Danny would never have helped clean up the table alongside Jess and Ivy. He groaned about it every time, and every time, their mother would say, “No arguments, young man. You’re part of this family.” But their father would disappear from the room as if he’d been abducted by aliens.

  After she’d washed the last pan in the sink, Jess found herself alone in the kitchen; everyone had long scurried off to their rooms. She watched the sun setting through the window and wanted to cry. She knew that the root of her anger went far deeper than inequality between genders at home and elsewhere. What was nagging at her she couldn’t fix, and it was killing her.

  Jess went upstairs and found herself leaning against the banister, letting out a long, painful breath as though she’d been punched in the gut. Playing any sort of role wasn’t natural for her. She was who she was, take it or leave it. And if she knew that others wouldn’t approve of whatever she thought, she usually kept quiet. So this dance she was doing in front of the entire school with her as the doting girlfriend by Alex’s side, watching the girl she loved walk arm in arm with Mike Austin—it was an agony beyond any “teenage angst” she’d heard her parents joke about.

  She needed to vent to someone. Since Ivy was on the phone with no signs of ending the call any time soon, Jess considered going outside to talk to Radar the dog. At least he couldn’t argue with her. Then she noticed that Danny’s door was ajar, which according to his rules meant she could enter without getting into a yelling match with him. He was plucking a broken string on an old acoustic guitar. It looked vaguely familiar to Jess; he’d gotten it several Christmases ago.

  “You’re lucky.” Jess leaned into the wall and rolled her head forward until she was pressed against it.

  “Why’s that?” he asked, not looking up.

  “You’re a boy!” She plunked herself down on his twin bed, waiting for him to pay attention to her.

  “What the hell’s a matter with you?” he asked, agitated. He wasn’t the easiest person to talk to. He was far moodier than Ivy. Maybe this was a mistake.

  “You’re lucky is all,” she said. The rage she’d been feeling at school had to pour out somewhere. It just happened to start pouring out in Danny’s room.

  “I can pee in the snow. Right.”

  “You can wear whatever you want, and nobody says anything. And…” He wouldn’t fully understand, so she decided it was okay…“You can like whoever you want.” It was true. If only she’d been a boy, nobody would have thought twice about her feelings for Stephanie.

  “Oh,” he said, as if he knew what she meant. “Yeah, Dad wouldn’t care if I liked a farmer’s daughter.” He resumed his string plucking.

  Jess hadn’t thought of that. How true—and totally sexist.

  “Wow,” she sighed. “You get born with a penis between your legs and you can rule the world.”

  Danny looked up and finally ceased plucking. “What’s goin’ on?”

  “Dad said you could have the car for your job, but Ivy and me have to bum rides all the time.”

  “She likes ridin’ with that redneck.” Danny laughed.

  “Forget it,” Jess snapped. “That’s not even the point.”

  She started to leave.

  “What’s eatin’ you?” he asked. He now seemed genuinely interested.

  She was an incoherent mess, and it must have been really obvious for her usually clueless brother to notice.

  “Nothin’.”

  She turned to leave.

  “Dad doesn’t want me to fix this,” Danny said, holding up his guitar.

  She turned around. “Okay.” She didn’t see what that had to do with anything. An old Christmas gift from when he was a boy, it appeared destined for the trash heap. “So don’t fix it. Get another one.”

  Danny shook his head. “Like you’d get another basketball, even when that old one’s a pile of junk?”

  Then it dawned on her. She’d never known her brother felt that way about his guitar. Of course she’d always keep her first basketball—because it was her first basketball.

  “Dad says there’s no career in it.” He chuckled bitterly to himself. “The other day I told him I was gonna run off to California and start a band. He said he’d disown me, so I pretended I was kiddin’. I wasn’t.”

  Jess came over to him. “Really?” She was glad he was opening up to her in a rare moment. “I didn’t know. You never said anything.”

  “What’s the point in talkin’ about it?”

  “So you do care about something!”

  He shook his head, annoyed by her wide-eyed assessment.

  “You go do what you want,” she said, her eyes bigger than saucers. He’d hit a nerve.

  Danny smiled at her. “You’re all right, you know.” He seemed to regard her with a newfound respect, as though she’d passed some sort of test.

  Before she left, he said, “Thanks.”

  This was a big moment; since he’d gotten older, Danny rarely had spoken that many syllables at a time to either of his sisters. Also, Jess learned that night that freedom didn’t come easily to anyone—at least not the way she thought.

  Chapter Fifty-Two

  It’s a perfect storm of shit. There was no safe place for Jess. In church, there was hell and brimstone, always with Stephanie so near, the ultimate temptation. School was a game of dodge ball in which she spent all her time avoiding Kelly and hoping that others didn’t know her secret. At home, it was a court of law where she was constantly being interrogated by her parents about her relationship with Alex.

  And then of course there was Alex himself. One evening, at the end of a date with him, an uncomfortable silence fell upon the car. This usually signaled the beginning of an unwelcome topic—the status of their relationship. Sensing that Alex was getting ready to go there, she said, “Everyone’s talkin’ about the playoff.”

  There was silence.

  “Are you nervous about that?” she asked.

  “Nah,” he said.

  She watched his lightly furred hands gripping the steering wheel. He never said he minded anything—or admitted to it. Either he was doing the macho thing, or he wasn’t human.

  “I’d be nervous if I were you,” she said, always more chatty around him. She preferred conversation to him taking aim at her face and her trying to dodge his mouth. “Everyone in town’ll be there.”

  He said nothing as they passed mile after mile. Finally, he said, “There are worse things.”

  “Like what?” His grandmother Abilene’s perfume, she thought.

  “I don’t mind bein’ a quarterback,” he said. “It’s easier than bein’ a Thornbush.” She was intrigued. “It’s not so easy sometimes,” he continued. “Every little party or get-together is a big deal, and I don’t give a shit which fork goes for what. But I’m supposed to know that because I’m a Thornbush. If I take the wrong fork or spoon, my grandma freaks out like I killed somebody.”

  Jess never thought about the pressure he was under because of his family name. As he spoke, she watched him. He seemed more honest, more real, than she’d seen him before. She realized she really did care for him.

  “I can’t help you there,” she laughed. “I never care how a table is set as long as there’s food.”

  He laughed too; it always seemed that he appreciated her blunt honesty.

  “Sometimes it sucks being a preacher’s daughter too,” she added
.

  “Yeah, how do you stand that?” Alex seemed very interested. “Does he make you read the Bible every night?”

  “No, but we can’t cuss ever. That’s fuckin’ hard.” She grinned, enjoying a chance to shock him.

  He laughed so hard, she had to grab the wheel for a moment.

  “And the dang Fellowship Meetings,” she said. “I always try to get out of ’em. Once a week in church is all I can stand.”

  He smiled broadly at her. She could tell he appreciated her candor. She’d never be one to quote the Ten Commandments at him. He said he loved her for that. Whenever he gazed at her with loving eyes, it reminded her of her duplicity. Was she no better than Kelly? No, she’d tell herself. At least she had a conscience.

  When Alex returned her home, she made it through the suction cup kisses by pretending she was kissing someone else. It might have been cruel, but it was the only way she could survive. Lately, everything was about survival.

  Chapter Fifty-Three

  On the night of the big football playoff game, Jess sat by herself in the crowded bleachers at the Greens Fork stadium, waiting to watch The Green Machine crush the Hollow Creek Howlers. Hollow Creek didn’t have much of a team. Every player was related to a coach, so it didn’t matter if they could catch a football. It wasn’t expected to be much of a game. Hollow Creek had long resented Greens Fork for thinking they were better just because they were a bigger town, which wasn’t saying much. Hollow Creek was barely a hiccup off the highway, but the football players always had something to prove. In fact, the chips on their shoulders were bigger than their shoulder pads.

  Nearly everyone in town had come out to watch, some of them calling out not-so-nice things to the smattering of Hollow Creek fans seated across the stadium. Football was more important than anything here. The girls’ basketball team, as good as they were, had never generated a crowd this size. The gym bleachers were smaller, so it wasn’t as obvious, but Jess had noticed.

  Unfortunately for the Howlers, Greens Fork got the ball first and ran it in for a touchdown. The Howler defense had apparently taken a nap on the first play.

  I’d be embarrassed if I was from Hollow Creek right now.

  Much to Jess’s surprise, Denny took a seat beside her.

  “Hey,” Jess said.

  “Hey. Since we’re friends now, I can sit here, right?” Denny asked.

  “Yeah. Sure.”

  “You ain’t much of a talker,” Denny said. “I got that.”

  “I don’t get why you’re here. You probably have a lot of friends.”

  “I did until none of ’em decided to show up tonight. Well, that one fool over there. He’ll be takin’ me home.” She pointed to a group of guys. There was one African-American boy standing among the Caucasian boys.

  “Not to assume, but the black guy?” Jess asked.

  “Oh, yeah. I ain’t gonna be another Kim Carter.”

  “Huh?”

  “You don’t remember?” Denny rolled her eyes. “That girl who dated a white guy, and everybody freaked out.”

  “Oh, right.” Jess had forgotten about her. Kim was in a couple of her classes as a sophomore, and everyone stared whenever she and Tom Briggs showed up in the cafeteria together, holding hands. Apparently, it still mattered here that she was African-American and he was Caucasian. Jess vaguely remembered Kelly making a stupid, predictable comment about them, which she ignored.

  “Besides,” Denny continued, “my parents would kill me if I brought home a white guy. Not gonna happen.” She shrugged it off and laughed.

  Jess pondered that a moment, wondering if Denisha had ever liked a white guy, but she kept the question to herself. Odd to think they may have been in somewhat similar boats. She heard the tone of Denny’s voice. Even though she laughed, she seemed resigned to this reality as simply the way it is, and she wasn’t about to challenge it.

  “That’s Shawn,” Denny explained, pointing to the husky boy in the stands. He had a handsome face with lopsided, eighties hair. “He keeps actin’ a fool, but I know it’s because he’s got it bad. What can I say? I do that to the male of the species.”

  Jess got a feeling that she was Denny’s new project, the way she was paying extra attention to her, chattering on as if hoping Jess would suddenly open up and reveal all her secrets to her.

  “I’m a sucker for wounded puppies,” Denny said, shaking her head at Shawn. “He’s another one. But I mean literally too.” She looked at Jess, and, seeing that she didn’t quite understand, said, “I used to bring home all kinds of abused dogs and cats. Mama and Daddy said I’d better knock it off. There wasn’t room in the house for all of ’em, so they made me take ’em to the animal shelter.”

  “My sister worked at that shelter,” Jess said. “She’s gonna be a vet.”

  “I like it ’cause they don’t kill ’em.”

  “Yeah, same with her,” Jess said. “I don’t know how anybody can be at a shelter and get attached to an animal, and if it doesn’t get adopted, you know they’re gonna kill it. I couldn’t do it.”

  “God, girl, you’re a downer! Quit that shit.” The slap she gave Jess was playful, but Jess still felt a little awkward. She didn’t seem to click with anyone the way she had Stephanie. She was beginning to feel pathetic at the way she pined over her constantly. There had to be support groups for people like her.

  “Who’s your man? He’s the quarterback, right?” Denny tried to change the subject.

  “Yeah.” Jess knew she couldn’t have sounded less enthused. In some way, she wished Denny could guess her troubles. She wished she could read her mind without her having to say anything.

  With her twinkling brown eyes and brilliant smile, Denisha Horton could obviously do a lot of things. She had a command of the human race that Jess envied. But not even she could fix this. Her desire to swoop in and make it all better wasn’t enough.

  By the end of the first quarter, Alex was riding high. Rob Bennett, the Howlers’ quarterback, was throwing his helmet on the sidelines. From what Jess could see, he was yelling at everyone on his team. The second quarter wasn’t any better. Rob threw an interception, and The Green Machine capitalized on it with a touchdown. Before halftime the few fans who had come from Hollow Creek on the opposite side began to trickle out.

  It wasn’t long before Kelly spotted Jess and came over.

  “Did you find yourself a new friend?” she asked in a perfectly condescending tone.

  “I’d introduce you, but she doesn’t hang out with psychopaths,” Jess said.

  Denny smiled to herself, thoroughly amused by their exchange.

  “Then she should find out the truth about you,” Kelly said, taking a seat on the other side of Jess.

  “Who asked you to sit here?” Jess leaned away.

  “You did, if you want my silence.” Kelly said it softly so Denny couldn’t hear. The crowd noise started to grow to a roar, drawing Jess’s attention to the field, where the other cheerleaders were lifting Stephanie to the top of a pyramid. She raised her arms, holding the pose for a long time to the cheers of the crowd. Jess held her breath that she wouldn’t fall. She didn’t.

  “She is pretty,” Kelly said.

  “Go away,” Jess snapped.

  Denny took note of this. “What’s your problem, girl?”

  Kelly leaned across Jess’s lap. “You’re my problem.”

  “Leave her alone!” Jess yelled, rising from her seat.

  “Is that any way to talk to your best friend?” Kelly smiled coyly like she did with her boyfriend, the paste-eating Bryan Preston.

  “You’re not my friend,” Jess shouted amidst the cheers of the crowd. She was no longer paying attention to the game.

  Kelly stood up to meet Jess’s eyes. She gestured to the field. “Tell me, is she good?”

  Jess was ready to pounce. Her hands balled up into fists, she could envision herself knocking her to the cement. She lunged at her.

  “Ooh! Easy there, lover.” Kelly
held up her arms, laughing, before scurrying over to Fran, who turned around and looked at Jess in such a way that Jess could tell she knew. Kelly had told her. A sick feeling rushed to her stomach. It was only a matter of time before the whole school would be buzzing. So this was what the worst-case scenario felt like, she thought, as she plunked back down on the bleacher.

  White-hot rage consumed her—that and the realization that she would be metaphorically or literally beaten with sticks. Unless…

  She didn’t like it, but Stephanie’s plan probably was the smartest way to deflect attention. Who would believe Kelly as long as their public romances seemed real? Jess wasn’t dating just anyone either. He was the most visible player on the football field. In a town like this, that union was sacred.

  “You should go,” Jess told Denny apologetically. “Make sure Shawn gets you home.”

  “What was that about?” Denny asked. “That girl was trippin’!”

  “She’s not a girl. She’s not even human.” Jess stared ahead, unable to look at her.

  “You got to get better friends, girl.” Denny bumped her lightly on the arm. Then she scooted across the row and went down to find Shawn. Whatever was going on, she seemed to sense she wasn’t going to get the lowdown on it tonight.

  Jess was relieved to be alone. She wasn’t sure she could keep it together and didn’t want to say something she’d regret to a girl who was trying to be nice to her. She descended the steps and watched the rest of the game from the railing. She decided it was better if she didn’t talk to people tonight.

  The Howlers threw another interception, and it became The Green Machine’s ball. Jess looked at the scoreboard. It was already the end of the fourth quarter.

  Jess wrapped her arms around the rail, hugging it, as she watched Alex throw the ball for another touchdown. The scoreboard lit up and the gun signaled the end of the game, which was, as predicted, a total annihilation—a score of 63-3. The team raised Alex high above their heads, and he pumped his helmet into the air, his smile joyful under the star-filled night sky. The scene was one Jess would always remember.