Then & Now

by Karen A. Leppert

  The doorbell rang and Sarah went to answer it. “Hold on a sec.”

  It was Seth. She held up her hand and whispered, “Hi.” He waved and followed her to the kitchen.

  Sarah redirected her attention to Aunt CeCe. “Come visit me. I could use some reinforcements here. Molly’s planning the wedding.” She groaned, and Seth laughed.

  “Who was at the door?” Aunt CeCe asked.

  “Seth.”

  “Speak of the devil. Tell him I said hello.”

  Sarah looked at Seth, who was getting a drink out of the refrigerator. “Aunt CeCe says hello.”

  Seth looked surprised. “Hello back.”

  “I heard him. Sarah, I’ll let you go. Hang in there. If you need to talk, call me. I love you.”

  “I love you too. Thanks for listening. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” She hung up the phone and dabbed at her eyes.

  “Everything okay?” Seth asked.

  “Just feeling a little blue, that’s all.”

  “Anything I can do?”

  With a weak, but convincing, smile, she answered, “No, but thanks. What are you doing here? Aren’t Derrick and Pat throwing a big shindig today?”

  Seth nodded. “How did you know?”

  “Abby.” Sarah forced a smile.

  “It’s no big deal.”

  “Liar. I’m sorry.”

  “No, I’m sorry.”

  “Why are you here?” she asked, put off by the pity in his tone.

  “I stopped by to say hello. I haven’t seen you for a couple of weeks and wanted to catch up. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were avoiding me.”

  “No.” She had been avoiding him, and Abby, and her entire family for that matter. It made her life easier. Out of sight, out of mind.

  “Is anything wrong?”

  Is anything wrong? Well, let’s see. I’m an outcast in my own family, who has adopted my best friend; my ex-boyfriend is a gorgeous movie star who I have to see and act like it doesn’t bother me at all. “No, nothing’s wrong. I’ve just been busy.”

  “What are you doing today?”

  Sarah rolled her eyes. “Laundry.”

  “And tonight.”

  “It’s still up in the air.”

  Seth hovered. “I wish things could be different.”

  “I don’t,” she snapped.

  “Sarah…”

  “Look, I don’t want your pity.”

  “I was going to suggest we grab a bite to eat.”

  “Why would you want to eat before Derrick and Pat’s party?”

  Seth sighed. “Jesus, Sarah. Sometimes you make things difficult. Aunt CeCe’s the only one you let in.”

  “She was there for me.”

  “You’re right, because you left and didn’t give anyone a chance to help you.”

  Sarah huffed. “I offered to tell you why I left, but you don’t want to talk about it. Is that how you would have been there for me?”

  “You didn’t give me a chance! You left and never came back. And that fucking letter! I hated you for writing such garbage to me. You still hold back, keep me at a distance.”

  “Can you blame me? You’ve seen what I have to put up with.”

  “Maybe if you would let me in a little. Do you have any idea what it’s like being your friend? You’re so worried over playing it safe…you act as if I am a leper, but that’s not the case with CeCe. She gets it all. Well, she can have you. I’m done.”

  Sarah’s knees buckled. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

  “Bullshit, Sarah. That sounds just like you. Go…leave…you’re good at that.”

  “I can’t leave. You’re in my house…uninvited.”

  His face flushed red. “I can remedy that. It’ll be nice to be the one to walk out on you for a change.”

  Sarah turned her back to him and shouted, “There’s a lot of ways to leave.”

  He shouted, “I’m done!” and left.

  NO MORE RUNNING

  SARAH

  Seth was right. Sarah had too many rules and had relied on them to keep her friendship with him alive. Instead, they had killed it.

  “He doesn’t want to talk to me…ever again,” Sarah whined to Aunt CeCe when Seth hadn’t called for a week and had failed to show up for their dinner and movie night.

  “Are you sure about that?” Aunt CeCe asked.

  “Positive. You didn’t see him that day, the hate in his eyes. He said he forgave me. Perhaps he has, but he’ll never forget. It’s over. I blew it.”

  “You should talk to Seth. He’s probably calmed down by now, and I’m sure he regrets the things he said.”

  “I don’t think so. He hasn’t called me.”

  “Maybe Seth wants you to call him. He made the first move. It’s time for you to go to him, to ask him for a second chance.”

  “He’s already given me a second chance. That’s what our friendship was supposed to be.”

  “Then ask him for a third.”

  “I can’t.”

  “You should at least try. Do you want to repeat the past? I had hoped you’d learned you can’t run away from your problems. Remember, that only led to more secrets and lies. You’ll never regret trying, but you will regret living with what-ifs.”

  Before her pride could intervene, Sarah took Aunt CeCe’s advice and headed to Seth’s beach house. Jill had told her she could find him there; Sarah only hoped he didn’t have someone with him.

  He didn’t answer the door, but his car sat in the driveway. Was he still in bed? And with whom?

  It would serve me right.

  Her fears were for naught. She found Seth sitting on the beach, running sand through his fingers and watching the surf rumble to the shore. She contemplated not disturbing him, feeling it cruel to inflict more pain, but Aunt CeCe’s voice whispered to her conscience, You’ll never regret trying, but you will regret living with what-ifs.

  Sarah crept behind him and laid her hand on his shoulder. He flinched ever so slightly and gazed down at her hand. He sighed but didn’t move her hand away.

  “Seth, I’m sorry. Please let me explain.” She waited for his approval. When none came, she took his silence as an invitation to continue. “I’m afraid of doing something wrong, of jeopardizing my relationship with you. I’m still trying to find my way…how I fit into your life…how you fit into mine. I told myself I offered you a different kind of friendship, that I can make up for the past by giving you something no one else seems to. I can be the friend who doesn’t need you for anything, a job, your money, sex. I just want to be your friend, nothing more. I’ve never had to rework my feelings for someone…from love to friendship, and I was a little too cautious. My pride gets in the way sometimes. I’m here…now…asking for another chance. I would understand if you can’t…”

  Seth took her hand in his and she burst into tears.

  Sarah hesitated but knew she had to put her words into action. She wrapped her arms around him. “I never meant to hurt you.”

  SETH

  The feeling of Sarah’s embrace jump-started Seth’s heart. He had endured two long weeks of waiting for her to come to him, and he had almost given up hope. Now, he reveled in feeling her pressing against him.

  “Sarah, I know you never meant to hurt me. I have regrets too.”

  “You were right. I have problems opening up to people. I’ll work on it…if you let me.”

  “Of course I’ll let you.”

  He had no choice. Living without Sarah led to sleepless nights, a loss of appetite, and a relapse from sobriety. The beach house became a place of solace, just as the lake did back home.

  “I don’t know how to do this, Seth. I don’t want to make a mistake.”

  “You won’t, Sarah. You’re so worried about it…you won’t.”

  “You’ll let me know if I do?”

  “As you will with me?”

  “I’m sure I won’t have to worry.”

  Oh, yes you do. The mere touch
of her hand on his shoulder proved her right about those silly rules. Desire burned inside him, and he relished it after the emptiness he’d endured without her.

  “You don’t think this is hard for me?” He didn’t wait for an answer but gave the speech he had practiced over and over. “Well, you’re wrong. I don’t know why I want us to work out so badly. I’ve thought about it and thought about it, and I still don’t have the answers. I’m not even sure it’s important to know why. I’m just following my intuition, and it tells me that I want you in my life. It feels right even when it’s wrong. That sounds ridiculous. I guess I’d rather fight with you than not talk to you at all. I had seven years of not being able to talk to you…of wondering what you were doing, where you were. That was torture. I lied when I said I wanted you out of my life. I was hurt and angry, and I guess I wanted you to choose me over CeCe for a change. I felt I was only getting part of you. I don’t want that. I want all of you…the good and the bad. I remember my Sarah.” He swallowed hard and continued. “I know you’re not mine anymore. We’ve both changed, but I want to know the woman you’ve become.”

  “I’m afraid you might not like me.”

  “That’s impossible. I wouldn’t be fighting with you if I didn’t care for you, if I didn’t like you. Can’t you see that?”

  “Yes. I’ll try to let you in, but you’ll have to be patient with me.”

  “If I’m one thing, I’m patient.” He thought of the past year, the small steps he’d had to take to get to this point. He had never been so compelled to dedicate himself to such a difficult task. “We’ll work this out, together.”

  “Together, that sounds good. I’m glad I came here today. Aunt CeCe was right.”

  “Aunt CeCe? Maybe she isn’t so bad after all.”

  “You would like her if you got to know her. I hope you give her a chance.”

  “I will, for you. I thought CeCe was the one who kept you from me all those years.”

  “That was my choice. Aunt CeCe gave me a home, that’s all. I don’t think she agrees with some of the decisions I’ve made. She probably would have taken your side, but she knew I needed her and put her feelings aside to help me start over.”

  “Well, let’s you and I start over today.”

  “I would love that. How do we begin?”

  Seth leaned back to look at her. “I’m starving.”

  Sarah laughed.

  “Do you want to get something to eat?”

  “I would love to, but it’s my treat,” she said in a more upbeat tone.

  “If you insist.”

  Seth stood and offered his hand; Sarah took it, and he pulled her to her feet. They faced one another, a palpable tension between them. This was a test, the first of many. Seth took her in his arms, not as a lover but a friend.

  Sarah rested her head on his chest and sighed.

  He lingered a little too long, but it felt good to be back in such a familiar place. He eventually found the strength to pull himself away, and they walked to Sarah’s car. They drove to the same bar he had taken her just weeks before. That seemed like so long ago.

  They were ravenous; their appetites had come back with their newfound resolve to make things work. It reminded Seth of the many times they’d indulged their appetites after fighting the temptation to make love. They would often stop for Sarah’s favorite, a double chocolate chip ice cream sundae, and resolve to not let things get out of hand again. Of course, they failed. Seth wished they had failed completely, just once.

  REVELATION

  SARAH

  It started out innocently enough, like bad things usually do.

  Pat had asked Keith to send her pictures to create a scrapbook for Lily’s Mother’s Day present, and she had asked Seth if she could put it together at his house so as not to contend with DJ “wanting to help.”

  Sarah picked up a picture of Seth riding his bike. “You were a cute little boy.”

  Seth looked over her shoulder. “Thank you.”

  She picked up another picture and frowned. “I hated that beard, and you’d lost so much weight.”

  Seth examined the picture and then looked at Sarah. “How could you have known I had a beard? This picture was taken while you were at camp.”

  A jolt of fear ripped through her core. “I must be confused. I came to the funeral parlor when your father died. I’m probably thinking of that time.”

  Seth looked puzzled. “I didn’t have a beard then, and I hadn’t lost weight. This was definitely taken the summer you left home. Sarah, did you come home that summer?”

  She stared at the picture to avoid his questioning eyes.

  “Sarah?”

  “Please, let’s not talk about this. Everything’s going so well between us; let’s not ruin it.”

  Seth ignored her pleas. “When did you come home?”

  “Seth, please.” Desperate, she reached for him.

  Seth pulled away from her. “Tell me, now!”

  His voice quivered, leading Sarah to believe he already knew the answer.

  “Okay, okay. I came into town the weekend Katie was in a wedding. You weren’t home, so I went looking for you.”

  Seth’s face paled. “Where?”

  “I went to your house, but your truck wasn’t there. Then I went by the lake.”

  “And…”

  “I passed your truck, but you didn’t know it was me. I was in Will’s car.”

  Seth’s eyes looked pained. “That guy from camp?”

  “Yes. You were heading away from the lake.”

  “And…”

  “I turned the car around and followed you.”

  He closed his eyes. “And…”

  In that moment, Sarah contemplated lying to Seth.

  “Sarah?”

  Tears rolled down her cheeks. “I found you. Please don’t make me say it.”

  He knew. “Where was I?”

  “At the stables.” The room twisted and tilted in a dizzying tailspin. “I saw you, Seth.”

  Seth’s shoulders slumped. “Where did you see me at the stables?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Like hell it doesn’t matter.”

  “I went behind the stables and peered into the stalls through holes in the planking,” she blurted. “You were in the second to last stall, but I didn’t recognize you at first. Like I said before, you’d lost weight and you had that scruffy beard.” She looked at the picture. “But I recognized the belt buckle I’d given you when she took it off and threw it on the floor.” Sarah sobbed. “That woman pulled your pants down and put you in her mouth. I’d always wondered what it would be like…the first time I saw you, but I never thought I’d see you with someone else. Your hands.” Sarah touched Seth’s hand, and he flinched. “Touching someone else the way you sometimes touched me.” She swallowed hard and took another deep breath. “The expression on your face. You weren’t looking at me.” She forced herself to look at him and continued. “How many times had you been there?”

  “Sarah…”

  “I’ve often thought of the times I sat home while you might have been up there, or with someone else.” She laughed at her stupidity. “You said you wanted to wait, but what you really wanted was for me to wait. How selfish of you. Wasn’t I good enough? If you couldn’t wait, why not give me the choice. You chose for both of us.”

  “It didn’t mean anything!”

  “You’re wrong. It meant everything. If what you told me was true…that I was everything to you, then you lost everything that night, because you lost me. You told me you loved me, but I guess you didn’t love me enough. I’m not surprised, really. I always knew you never wanted to be with one girl. So many people warned me. I was stupid to think I was enough for you.”

  “You were, Sarah. I thought you were with that guy, Will. I saw pictures with his arms around you. Katie said as much.”

  She laughed through the tears. “You thought Will and I were together? That’s no excuse, Seth.”<
br />
  “I know. I was wrong, and I’m sorry for what happened. You have no idea how I regret that night.”

  Sarah glared at him in disbelief. “For your information, Will’s gay. He was just a friend.”

  Seth began to cry. “You’re right. There’s no excuse for my actions, but I loved you. I was going to tell you, I swear. I wrote you a letter.” Seth gripped her shoulder tightly. “It came back, unopened, marked RETURN TO SENDER.”

  “I never got a letter.”

  “I sent you a letter,” he practically yelled.

  “If you say so.”

  “You’ve got to believe me.”

  “Why should I?” She tried to pry his hand from her shoulder. “Please let me go. I need to be alone.”

  Seth shook his head. “I can’t let you go, not like this.”

  “There’s nothing more to say. Please, Seth.”

  Seth dropped his hands to his sides. “I’ll let you go, but can I come by tomorrow?”

  “Yes.”

  “Th-thank you.”

  Running again.

  As she’d done many times in the past, Sarah walked in the front door, slumped to the ground, and burst into tears. While she’d thought it would feel good to tell Seth she knew he had cheated, she couldn’t have been more wrong. His pain didn’t make her feel better at all.

  Newton must have sensed her sadness and never left her side. Sarah went to bed early and woke to the sun peeking in the window and Newton’s insistent whining.

  “Come on, boy, let’s go for a jog.”

  She opened the front door and stopped suddenly. Seth sat on her porch in the same clothes from the night before. He looked terrible.

  SETH

  “You said I could come by.”

  Seth couldn’t bring himself to look at Sarah. He’d been sitting on the porch all night, contemplating what he’d say.

  Sarah had known all along. His cheating drove her into the arms of the father of her baby. The look in her eyes as she recalled seeing him at the stables made him sick to his stomach. She had been right to leave him; he didn’t deserve her.

  Sarah pushed the door back open. “Come in.”