Then & Now

by Karen A. Leppert

  Sarah shrugged. “I couldn’t help myself.”

  The room spun as if he’d drunk several beers or smoked weed. Neither applied. Tonight, Sarah was his drug of choice, his addiction. “How about dessert?”

  Sarah licked her lips.

  Seth didn’t wait for her to finish. He summoned the waiter, who brought samples of the desserts. Sarah’s eyes bulged at the sight of the double chocolate cheesecake drizzled with raspberry sauce.

  “We’ll take one of those,” Seth said.

  She offered an approving smile. “Aren’t you having any?”

  “No. I might have a bite of yours, if that’s okay.”

  Just as he regained his composure, the dessert arrived. This ordinarily wouldn’t seem like such a catastrophe, but the enjoyment Sarah derived from that slice of chocolate cheesecake seemed…well, erotic.

  This is insane.

  Why were his senses heightened so much tonight? His hand caressed her bare back as if it had a mind of its own, acting out his deepest desires in spite of the warnings from his brain. With each bite of cake, Seth watched Sarah pull the fork over to her lips with an approving moan echoing her pleasure at the taste.

  “The combination of chocolate and raspberry is one of my favorites, and the warm chocolate sauce on the side…”

  “Good, huh?” he whispered in her ear and moved even closer. She didn’t seem to notice, too absorbed in the dessert.

  Suddenly, Sarah pulled away and held the fork up to his mouth. Her eyes were inches from his. He could feel her breath on his face. “You’ve got to taste this,” she said, Seth dutifully opened his mouth. Sarah fed him a bite of cheesecake and then seductively pulled the fork out. “It’s delicious, no?”

  “Fuck,” he whispered.

  “What?”

  “Fudge…it tastes like fudge.”

  “You think so.” She took another forkful and offered it to him.

  “No, you enjoy it. I’m full.”

  She ate all but one bite. “Last chance.”

  Thank God.

  “Thanks, Seth.”

  “No, thank you. This was nice.”

  “It certainly was.”

  “Now, for the entertainment part of our evening.”

  Sarah grumbled, knowing it included meeting the others.

  Seth forced a smile, unsure himself. “It’ll be fun, I promise.”

  Seth picked a country bar and dance club Johnny had said Sarah liked. The place seemed to vibrate from the loud music coming from within, and a crowd lingered outside, smoking and yukking it up.

  Johnny called from across the room, “Seth, over here.”

  A haze hung over the joint, and the smell of beer and sweat lingered in the air. Seth longed to return to the restaurant or, better yet, Sarah’s car, where could have her all to himself. But that went against his intentions for this part of their Trading Places night, so he ushered Sarah over to the very people he wanted to impress.

  Molly, Kathy and Jeff, Matt and Serafina, Keith, and Abby beamed at him from a table behind Johnny. Well, not Molly. But she came.

  And so did a handful of people who recognized him and circled his table. Johnny and Matt were used to it, but the others were a little put off. People could be rude when they wanted his attention, leaning over the table, shoving papers and pens at him for autographs, posing for pictures, kissing him. Seth found himself alone with them, abandoned by his friends, who were doing shots at the bar. Sarah sat among them, but did not partake. Chocolate was her compulsion, not booze, so she rarely indulged and only in a glass of wine.

  Seeing his desperation, Johnny brought a bouncer over and cleared the table. Everyone returned, except Sarah.

  “Are you okay?” Matt asked.

  “Yes,” he answered while seeing Sarah being pulled onto the dance floor by a man.

  Keith held him in his chair. “Easy.”

  Seth snapped, “Do you see that guy?”

  “Sarah’s handling him just fine.”

  Seth turned to see the man’s hand inching down Sarah’s back. Her expression said it all, and Seth bolted from the chair.

  “Wait for me,” Matt called and caught up to him. “Seth, think about this. Molly…the rest of them are watching.”

  Seth tapped the man on his shoulder. “Hey, dude, you mind if I cut in?” He didn’t wait for an answer and pulled Sarah into his arms.

  “Are you okay?” she asked.

  “I guess the boyfriend gene resurfaced tonight.” He pulled her closer.

  “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Where’s the guy I had dinner with tonight?”

  “He’s right here,” he said, taken by her blue eyes penetrating his.

  “Seth, relax. You’re squeezing my hand so hard it hurts.”

  He loosened his grip and kissed her forehead. On their last revolution, he spied their table and was met with disapproving eyes. He groaned.

  “Now what?” Sarah muttered.

  He flicked his head toward their table. “They’re not happy. I guess I shouldn’t have kissed your forehead.”

  She smiled up at him. “Ignore them. We can still salvage this evening. It started off so nicely.”

  “Yes it did.”

  “It’s not too late.”

  “What do you have in mind?” he asked, hoping Sarah would suggest leaving.

  “Let’s go back to the table and prove we can be together, and have fun.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Can we…with them?”

  “Follow my lead.”

  They went back to the table, and the rest of the night proved memorable, in a good way. He and Sarah shared the details of their day, which brought much laughter, especially Sarah’s time at the spa. She talked about the bikini wax, the massage, and the outfits she’d tried on. Seth enjoyed watching her; her entire body told the story, which mesmerized everyone. Even Molly joined in the fun.

  Matt and Serafina drove him home. He didn’t trust himself to be alone with Sarah. The thought of that garter belt underneath her dress occupied his brain and groin all night long.

  On a good note, Seth had been right. It felt good to spend time with friends and family, and it allayed suspicions they were more than just friends. What a farce. Even Sarah seemed to believe it.

  WAITING

  SETH

  Unbeknownst to Sarah, Seth had already been to her house, earlier that day, and found what he was looking for. Now, sitting in the car and waiting for her to come home, he panicked. What am I doing?

  Sarah arrived home shortly before midnight, having come from Abby’s house. They’d had their weekly dinner and movie night without him. He was supposed to be in New York shooting a movie. The lights to her place didn’t stay on long. At the stroke of midnight, he stood outside the door, rang the doorbell…and waited.

  Waited. He had waited so long for Sarah. Tonight, he would take the next step in his journey to be with her again. He felt guilty over having sent her mixed messages the past several months, but he hadn’t known how to work through the tangled web of doubt and confusion he’d been suffering over what he wanted from Sarah.

  Wanted? Seth didn’t think of what he wanted anymore. Instead, he concentrated on what he needed. There was a big difference between those two simple words. He could suppress what he wanted. Alcohol came to mind. He wanted it but didn’t need it. His needs were different, essential to his happiness, and he couldn’t deny them anymore.

  Although he had gambled by waiting for the right moment, if Sarah truly needed him, she would be there…waiting…no matter who was in her life at the time. The decision to take this next step hadn’t come easily; its importance had necessitated a lot of time and thought…and a lot of therapy. He was taking a leap of faith. If Sarah didn’t feel the same way, would their friendship survive? It had taken him a long time to want to risk such an outcome, and it wasn’t over yet.

  This was just the next step, and the biggest thus far. If, after tonight, he felt he might lose Sarah if this didn�
��t work out, he vowed to forget his needs and settle for friendship. After all, he would rather have Sarah in his life as a friend than not at all.

  Waiting. Sarah didn’t answer the door. Had she already gone to bed and fallen asleep so quickly? He rang the doorbell again.

  Waiting. The hall light went on and the deadbolt disengaged. He took a deep breath just as the door opened. Sarah stood before him, toothbrush in hand, with a surprised look on her face.

  “Seth?” She looked him up and down with a worried expression, until her eyes fell upon his overnight bag.

  He blushed. “Hey.” Good, Seth, real good.

  “Hey to you too.” Sarah stood for a moment, and Seth wondered if she would ever invite him in. With a jolt, she opened the door all the way and said, “Come on in. I thought I heard the doorbell, but it was so late…”

  “I know. I apologize.”

  “No, it’s okay, really. You’re supposed to be in New York filming. Is anything wrong?”

  He followed her to the living room. “Everything’s fine.”

  Sarah turned to face him. “What’s up?”

  Seth diverted his eyes, afraid to see Sarah’s reaction. “I want to stay tonight,” he whispered. This wasn’t his intention; he wanted to be strong and sure of himself. So much for acting the part. He forced his eyes to look upon her.

  Sarah didn’t hide her surprise. “Oh.”

  He waited for what seemed like an eternity. This request, he knew, could have many implications. He wanted to stay and talk; he wanted to stay and…

  “Okay.” Sarah’s brow furrowed, clearly confused, yet she didn’t deny him.

  “Sarah, it’s midnight, September 30. I just want to spend this time with you.” He held up his hand in warning.

  She seemed to understand this night would not be what they had originally planned so long ago. “Okay.”

  Seth looked toward the bedroom. “You must be tired.” He looked at the toothbrush clenched in Sarah’s hand and chuckled. She was nervous.

  “I am.” She put the toothbrush in her mouth and headed for the bathroom.

  Seth followed at a respectable distance. This made him laugh. He planned to sleep with Sarah in her little bed; a respectable distance was impossible.

  After placing his overnight bag on the bed, Seth grabbed his toothbrush and met Sarah in the bathroom. She handed him the toothpaste, her hand trembling. He took it without comment and they stood, brushing their teeth together. She spit. He spit. She rinsed. He rinsed, and then they headed back to the bedroom.

  Sarah was already wearing pajamas. Seth grabbed his from the overnight bag and headed back to the bathroom, closing the door behind him and facing the mirror. This is insane. He wondered what Sarah was doing on the other side of the door and wished it had a peephole. He took his time to gather courage.

  When he came out of the bathroom, Sarah was sitting on the bed, her legs tangled together like a pretzel.

  “Newton sleeps at the bottom of my bed,” she stated.

  “That’s okay. What side do you sleep on?”

  “The right. Is that okay?”

  “That’s fine.” He went to the left side of the bed and crawled under the covers. Newton jumped on the bed and lay at the bottom of Sarah’s side.

  “Good boy,” she whispered.

  Seth chuckled and wondered if she was speaking to Newton or him. Sarah slipped into the bed and pulled the covers over her chest. She turned out the light and sighed.

  Waiting…

  “So, I know you’re tired,” he whispered.

  “Exhausted,” she blurted.

  “Can we talk?”

  Sarah sighed. “Yes, we can talk all night long if you want.”

  He turned onto his side and smiled at her. “How have you been?”

  “Good. And you?”

  “Good.”

  “How’s the movie going?”

  “Good.”

  “Remember last year?” he whispered in her direction. He could only make out the faint outline of Sarah’s face.

  “Yes.” Her voice indicated a smile. “I was surprised and touched. You know, that’s one thing you’ve given me I don’t think many other men would in the same situation.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “You’re willing to put yourself out there, expressing yourself openly to me. It’s risky, brave. I admire that, Seth.”

  “I think it’s more about being selfish. My actions aren’t for you and you alone; they’re for me too.”

  “Nevertheless, not many men would swallow their pride and open up the way you did. I was blown away that day. We hadn’t even been talking that long. It made me feel what we have now was possible.”

  “I was nervous. Sitting on a crowded plane and trying to have an intimate conversation. And I had no idea what you’d think of me. You were cool about it.”

  “I wasn’t feeling cool.”

  “I never would’ve known.”

  His fingers danced up and down Sarah’s arm, which remained safely at her side. Seth knew Sarah still had issues with touching him, but that was her choice; he was making his own.

  “A whole year’s passed,” she said.

  “A lot’s happened in that year.”

  “I know.”

  “Sarah, tell me one good thing that happened to us this year.”

  “Hmmm, there are so many.”

  His heart soared. “That makes me happy. There was a time when you thought we should have nothing to do with one another. We’ve come a long way.”

  “Yes, we have.”

  “Now, back to my original request. One good memory.”

  “I would have to say the first time I had dinner over at your house,” she answered with confidence.

  “Really?”

  “I woke up in your entertainment room.”

  Seth wanted to hear more, to relive the moment through Sarah’s eyes. “I remember. I was worried you’d be angry with me.”

  “I should’ve been. It was embarrassing. Your seeing me, what I look like in the morning. Morning breath…bed head…UGH!”

  “I thought you looked cute. Please continue.”

  “We had a nice conversation on the patio. I was impressed by what you’d accomplished. I was overwhelmed, but you made me feel comfortable. I realized there was something to be hopeful for; that maybe you were right. We could salvage something out of the mess I made.”

  “We made.”

  “I could see, for the first time, what you’d been telling me was possible. Thank you for giving me, us a second chance.”

  “Thanks for being open to it.”

  “Oh, I didn’t make it easy on you.”

  He laughed. “No, you didn’t.”

  “I’m glad you didn’t give up. I would have.”

  “I don’t believe you. You kept coming back.”

  “I did, didn’t I? Now it’s your turn. Tell me one good thing.”

  “I think you’ll be surprised.”

  “Now you have my curiosity piqued. Tell me.” She settled against him.

  “The day I found Newton.”

  “Really?”

  “I felt guilty about following you…and when you got hurt. You’ll never know how awful I felt that night. Anyway, I knew I had to do something. I couldn’t let you go away again.”

  The desperation in his voice heightened; his mind took him back to that day and the pain and fear resurfaced, fresh again.

  “I knew I took a risk, but I had to take it. I was afraid you’d run and fall again.”

  “I didn’t.” She sounded proud.

  “Thank God.” He sighed and continued. “And you listened to me. For the first time, I felt hopeful. I guess it was the first time I truly believed we could work things out, just like you felt that morning on my patio.”

  “So, we both chose moments that gave us hope. That makes sense.”

  “Well, there’s another reason I chose that moment.” He hesitated, contemplating whether
to share the other reason.

  “Go on.”

  “I really got to look at you.”

  “It was very hard for me to face you.”

  “It was hard for me too. I couldn’t believe you were actually standing in front of me. I could reach out and touch you. Well, I couldn’t…I knew that was impossible.” He touched her now. In that moment, he felt anything was possible. “You were still beautiful, yet you’d changed. You were no longer a girl; your body had more curves. I liked that. It’s funny how your memories fade. They came back that day. It was bittersweet.

  “I could tell you were losing your patience with me, but I couldn’t help it. It might have been my only chance. My plan didn’t include spending any time together.” He shook his head. “I had no intention of sticking to the plan, Sarah.”

  “You’re devious. Should we talk about our not-so-happy moments?”

  “No. Today’s a celebration. How about a memory from when we dated.”

  “You go first,” she commanded.

  “Okay, your birthday.”

  “That was my choice too.”

  “Too late.” He laughed. “You should’ve gone first.”

  “I have another. Why my birthday?”

  “It was the night I gave you your ring. It was important to me to give you a symbol of our love.” Tears began to well up in him. Seth cleared his throat, hesitated a moment, and then continued. “You told me you loved me in front of your family.”

  “And you said it back.”

  She remembered, which thrilled him beyond words.

  “Yes, I did. You were so happy. We had time alone, and it wasn’t filled with the frustration we often had when we were together. It was just…amazing.” He paused, remembering something else, but unsure if he should share it.

  “What is it?” She knew him too well.

  “I stated my intentions that night. Whoa! Remember, I told you I asked your parents if I could give you a ring at Christmas. That was terrible.” He chuckled. “I knew I’d have to ask them again. I mean, I thought I’d have to ask them again, when I asked you to marry me.” His voice cracked. “No one in the entire world could’ve convinced me things would go so wrong.”

  “They’re better now, right?”