Between Darkness & Light

by Theresa Van Spankeren

  I fidgeted with my hands. “Samuel doesn’t share that enthusiasm does he?”

  He was quiet a moment. “No, not really. Neither he nor Lane chose this life. They were forced into it and that tends to dampen the appeal.”

  I thought back to our conversation with the loner. “Lane said he figured out he had been changed into a monster within days. He told us he accepted it because he wasn’t ready to die. He might not know a lot, but what he has figured out he has embraced.” I turned to Matthew with a horrified realization. “Samuel never accepted it.”

  “And that is where your question from the other night fits in.” He ran his hand through his hair, looking worried. “Samuel learned to tolerate many aspects of being a vampire. But where it took you or me only days or weeks to adapt, it took him years, centuries even.”

  I felt a sudden tightness in my chest. Had I really understood him at all? “When he presented the choice to me I never would have suspected that. He explained some gifts were extremely rare. It seemed he was the perfect teacher, but maybe I should have trained with you?”

  Matthew shook his head. “No, at least not all the time. Samuel finds it hard to understand and teach gifts that humans might consider magical, but he has mastered the abilities we have in common, such as telepathy and strength. He is just as skilled in physical combat as I am, maybe more so.” He smiled. “And I haven’t met anyone who can teach a fledgling how to feed as well as he can. Your training with him is sound, Julia.”

  I stared down into my lap. “When he agreed with Lane about vampires being monsters, I felt betrayed. I took the comment personally, thought it was directed at me. Then I wondered if Samuel despised all vampires, including us. I was so upset when I confronted him.”

  I waited for him to say something, but there was silence. “I had suggested they talk because I thought it would help,” I continued. “I didn’t think it would have uncovered his true feelings.” Again there was no response. Finally I looked up and pleaded, “Matthew, say something. I didn’t mean to offend or upset you.”

  He stared straight ahead, looking lost in thought. “You didn’t offend me. I was merely thinking.” He sighed. “Sandro wasn’t completely wrong when he said the wounds from a few years ago hadn’t mended. At least not completely.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Assumptions and mistrust, Julia. You deduced Samuel meant you because of that. I wouldn’t doubt that it even turned down that path during your argument, but it’s superficial at best. He doesn’t hate me, you, or anyone else in our group. It isn’t all vampires, just one.”

  “Valentino?”

  A sad smile touched his lips. “A good guess, Julia, but no. It’s himself.”

  I stared at him blankly. “I don’t understand.”

  “I’m not sure how well I can explain it, but I’ll try. You spent time berating yourself for the choices you made a few years ago. You even felt the need to hurt yourself as punishment.” He looked pointedly at my arms, still wrapped under the sleeves of my dress.

  “Yes. I contemplated for days and decided that’s not who I wanted to be. I don’t know what that has to do with . . .”

  “Many of us have explored different ways of doing things. Some Resistance members have sought out Loyalists to see if their ways were as terrible as they were led to believe.” He closed his eyes and bit his lip. “You certainly are not the first one to test whether killing gives us more power.”

  I stared at him, taking in his words, the change in his demeanor. “You? You tried it?”

  Matthew nodded, not opening his eyes. “When Samuel was first teaching you to hunt, I said I was terrible at first. The better term would have been rebellious. There was a few times when I ignored what he taught me, even trying Valentino’s way. But it didn’t sit right with me.” His eyes snapped back open and he said, “The difference was that we both already knew there was another way.”

  “That’s true. Lane said being willing to kill was the difference between him and Samuel.” I frowned slightly. “I understand there’s something everyone regrets doing. Are you saying Samuel also tried that way and that’s why he hates himself?”

  “No. From what I was told by Valerie and others, he never killed an innocent. At least not intentionally.”

  “He did when she tried to teach him. When he taught me, he said mistakes happen and I shouldn’t berate myself if I accidently killed.” Confused, I said, “Why wouldn’t he hold himself to the same standard?”

  Matthew sat back and pursed his lips. “Let me try explaining a different way. What if it hadn’t been Gregory who killed your daughter? What if it had been a vampire who drained her in front of you and then attacked and turned you into one of them?”

  I shuddered at the images he painted for me. “Jesu, Matthew! Are you trying to make me more suicidal than I am already? I would have wanted to die! I would have despised that I had been turned into the same sort of creature that killed my . . . Oh!” I stopped my rant as comprehension flooded me.

  He waited until I calmed down a bit before saying, “When Samuel decided to flee the group who turned him, he knew of no other way than what he saw when they killed his loved ones. I can only imagine how great his self-loathing became over the weeks he was alone.”

  “Or how it deepened each time he failed at what Valerie told him was possible,” I murmured. I sighed and said, “I guess I didn’t understand his perspective.”

  “I’m not excusing what he said or did to you a few days ago. There’s no easy answer to this. He didn’t understand yours either.”

  “Why didn’t he just say he hated himself to Lane?”

  Matthew snorted. “He didn’t have to. I’d bet ten gold coins that Lane knew exactly what he meant.”

  I rubbed the bridge of my nose. “I wish I had known that. Kali was right. We see the same thing through different facets.” Taking a deep breath, I changed subjects. “Is there any training you think we can do tonight? I am not sure if I’m strong enough to practice anything.”

  “I said it before and I’ll say it again. You have to stop weakening yourself.” He sighed. “I can think of one thing that shouldn’t take too much energy.”

  “What?” I questioned as Christina joined us, carrying three candlesticks from the villa.

  “I think you can use meditation to see the future.”

  “Matthew, that power is almost as unreliable as calling up dead people,” I snapped. “I can’t call it at will. It failed me before.”

  Christina looked from Matthew to me. “Am I interrupting? Should I leave?”

  “No. I think a visualization exercise can help both of you. Learning how to calm and focus your thoughts now can only benefit you when your powers start to develop,” he told the young vampire as she knelt down in the grass beside me. “I should have taught Julia how to years ago. I’m sorry,” he said, turning back to me.

  I nodded as he handed each of us a flame holder. I almost dropped mine. I dreaded being more open to this particular ability. “All I ever see is pain and suffering. And I am helpless to do anything about it,” I whispered. “It frightens me. I hate it.”

  Christina placed her hand over my trembling one. Compassion filled her eyes as she said, “I’m sorry, Julia. Seeing such awful things must be hard.”

  A flame ignited on each wick as Matthew said, “You need to accept this power. It’s a part of you.” I cringed and he continued. “Julia, the ability is not meant to scare you. It often serves as a warning so you can change how an event proceeds if you recognize it in time.”

  “Is it possible to see good things?” I paused, and then said, “I think it happened once, back when I was human. If it is a warning why can’t I change it?”

  “You can see both. I think you see the bad more because you’re resisting the power so you only get scenes that are critical. And you get them any time, in any way possible, because there’s no time put aside to receive the images. If you relax and take time to focus on
the ‘second sight,’ it’ll be easier to cope with.”

  Reluctantly I agreed. I stared into the flame and took a few deep breaths. Distantly, I heard Matthew coaching Christina through her own drill. A little later he asked, “Ready, Julia?”

  Ignoring the slight apprehension I still felt, I answered, “I think so.”

  “Close your eyes.” I did and felt a slight breeze as the candle went out. “Imagine a door at the end of a hallway. Walk over and open it. Tell yourself you only want to see something nice.”

  “All right . . .” I whispered, my voice trailing off. I pictured everything he said and opened it with a silent prayer. It was like opening a door in my own mind.

  Several images came in quick succession. I remembered Matthew’s words and relaxed, letting them pass through more slowly. Ferdinando arranging to send money was the first thing I saw. After a second a name came to me. “Ferdinando is giving Henry of Naverre secret loans.”

  “Shh,” Matthew whispered. “Damn . . . Julia?”

  “What?”

  “Don’t say a word about this to anyone else.”

  I nodded faintly and concentrated on the next image that appeared. Maria Medici in a bridal gown. “Maria is going to be married.”

  “When?”

  I tried to focus on the detail, but nothing else appeared. “I can’t tell,” I replied, opening my eyes. I was done for tonight.

  I looked around and saw Matthew had moved to the surrounding garden. Carefully, he created a circle of fire around himself. Christina was standing nearby with a bucket of water. “Now that’s talent,” I muttered.

  He shrugged as Christina doused the fire. “You seem pretty talented yourself.”

  I yawned. “You’re simply saying that to be nice. I think it’s time to retire. I’m tired.”

  Matthew picked up the candles. “Good night, Julia.”

  Christina smiled. “Sleep well.”

  ***

  I was woken at sundown by Belinda. The villa was already bustling with activity. She hurried in at my consent and smiled haggardly at me. “What shall you wear tonight?”

  I sighed and pulled out another of my dresses. I decided on an ivory silk one with long sleeves and a low collar. Belinda helped me put it on and brushed my hair back. A beaded headpiece and a single gold necklace completed my outfit and I hurried downstairs, immediately searching for Matthew and Christina. I hoped they weren’t in the dining hall yet.

  I passed several people on my way down and nearly ran into Matthew, who was standing at the bottom of the staircase. He caught my arm and steadied me. “Easy, Julia,” he whispered. He let go and stepped back. “My, Giuliana, you look lovely tonight,” he said with a smile.

  I blushed and studied his outfit. He wore a blue shirt and a black doublet and pants, a simple but elegant outfit. “So do you,” I answered as Christina joined us, wearing a dark blue gown with her hair pinned up with diamond clips.

  “Well, it looks like we’re all here,” she said with a smile.

  Matthew nodded and inclined his head toward the dining hall. “Shall we go in, ladies?”

  I nodded and took his offered hand. Christina smiled as she followed behind us. The large banquet hall was filled with the sound of humans laughing and talking as they waited for the food to be served. Large chandeliers hung from the high ceilings, and candles lit the tables and walls. There were three long dining tables. The two outer ones were filled with the Grand Duke’s guests, but they could not surpass the sophistication of the mortals in the center table. Many of the Medici family were present, dressed in the finest silks.

  It reminded me of the ball with Queen Elizabeth, which almost seemed an entire lifetime ago. My heart pounded as Matthew led us to the left end of their table. I hadn’t realized we would be seated with the family. He pulled out a chair for Christina, and then mine. I found myself seated between them and gave him a small smile. I had noticed two seats across from us were vacant. His own smile was reassuring as he explained a few guests had become ill and had been unable to attend the festivities.

  He turned to the man on the other side of him and started discussing events in Rome, as well as in the Medici-ruled city of Florence. I listened to the conversations around me, finding myself surprisingly happy to keep my own comments confined to trivial topics such as the weather.

  It was over an hour later in a lull between the main course and a palate cleanser that I sensed him. Samuel was here. Whether it was to apologize, argue, or talk I had no idea. I wondered if I had the strength to face him. “Matthew,” I whispered, tapping him on the shoulder.

  Matthew turned to me. “Yes, I know he is here. Let me do the talking.”

  I gazed into his brown eyes for a moment, then nodded. Dear God, why the hell did Samuel show up here now? It was too soon. I hadn’t had the time to sort out my own thoughts or what I had learned from Matthew last night.

  A fine tremor went through my body. He reached over to squeeze my hand as the servers set down the next plate. “Eat, Julia. I’ll do the talking,” he repeated.

  “All right,” I whispered, taking a bite of food.

  Samuel walked toward us, his stride purposeful, even arrogant in a way. Yet that was the way most politicians walked, so he fit right in. After all, he had been from an aristocratic family.

  I glanced up as I saw him sit down across from me. I continued playing with my food and waited for him to speak. “Ciao Julia," he said. “I was hoping we could talk.”

  "How did you get in here?" Matthew asked, giving me time to collect my thoughts.

  “By invitation,” Samuel replied. “That is the only way into this event, isn’t it, Matteo?”

  “You hypnotized your way in,” Matthew accused, his voice dropping to a level the humans around us couldn’t hear.

  Samuel smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I didn’t have much of a choice, did I? I didn’t get a chance to talk to her before you whisked her away from the villa.”

  “She wasn’t safe there. Perhaps you don’t care about that, but I do.”

  Anger and pain flared in Samuel’s eyes, but I had finally found my voice. The psychic aura around our part of the table had risen enough that even the mortals sitting nearby reacted to it by getting up and drifting away.

  “Basta! Stop it, both of you!” Both men looked at me in surprise, but the energy had stopped escalating. Christina smiled at me, but stayed quiet. I took a deep breath and continued, “Matthew didn’t whisk me away. I told him I didn’t want to see you.”

  Shock blossomed on his face and he said, “Julia, I know you were offended when I agreed with Lane . . .”

  I cut him off. “That is something that Matthew enlightened me on. I apologize for any comments I made that were insensitive.” Samuel’s surprised gaze slid to Matthew as I said, “That’s not why I refused to see you.” Tears stung my eyes as I cried, “You still don’t trust me! I told you they attacked me and you didn’t believe me!”

  His expression hardened. “Why would I have doubted them? They’ve always been loyal to the Resistance.”

  “Being loyal doesn’t necessarily mean having pure intentions, Samuel,” Christina abruptly said. “You stopped going to meetings. There have been things going on you don’t know about.”

  Samuel was silent and I set down my eating utensil so I wouldn’t end up bending it. My gaze darted to the candle nearest me and I concentrated on it, trying to calm my emotions before they exploded in a violent outburst. I didn’t break my concentration as I finished, “You promised to protect me as you would any other in your ka-tet and you didn’t. I had just gone to clear my head, something you have done thousands of times yourself, and that action was met with suspicion and hostility. I cannot make you trust me, Samuel. You have to figure out if you can or not, and you had better figure it out soon, because this can’t be good for us, our ka-tet, or the Resistance as a whole.”

  “Julia . . .”

  Taking my eyes off the candle, I
glared at him. “Leave, Samuel and don’t come back until you know the answer.” I gathered my anger and pain and channeled it through the ka-tet at him so he could feel some of the turmoil I was going through.

  He recoiled and Matthew said, “I think Julia has a good idea. Go, Samuel, before I have to alert the guards.” Samuel glared at him and quickly left, not looking back.

  It was a few moments before I heard Christina ask, “Are you all right?”

  I nodded and turned my attention back to the food as guests came back to their seats. As the after-meal entertainment got underway, I felt even lonelier. The dances, including the risqué la volta, were much more intimate than what I had been used to in England, despite Queen Elizabeth having danced la volta a couple times herself.

  Memories of my soulmate, Adam, crept back into my head. When we were plotting our escape before he was killed, we had discussed coming to Italy alone. I remembered how excited he had been. He would have loved these dances. I felt a few tears make their way down my cheeks.

  “Julia?” I opened my eyes to see a very different pair of brown eyes gazing at me in concern. “What’s wrong?”

  “Noth–” I started, but sighed. “I was wishing Adam and I could have danced to these.”

  Sorrow clouded his eyes. “That would have been fun. Christy and I had been practicing la volta before Valentino arrived.”

  “That would have been a sight to see,” I replied. Hearing Christy’s name surprised me. I hadn’t heard Matthew mention her since we resumed speaking to each other. As I watched the sadness spread across his face, I was again startled by the rawness of the emotion. Had he not grieved for his soulmate at all in the years we had been apart? “Matthew?” I questioned gently.

  He closed his eyes a second and when he reopened them, the emotion was replaced by a mask. “I know some of the dances. I can teach you,” he offered, as if he had never uttered her name.