The Fear of Falling

by Amanda Cowen

  Liam asks more questions, which I answer. “Yeah, he spent the night. No, he slept on the sofa.”

  Ryan clears his throat, and I glance up at him. He eats the rest of his muffin while continuing to look at me. “Yeah, I think he’s still sleeping… Breakfast sounds good… Okay. I’ll ask him… Yeah, I can be ready in thirty minutes… See you soon.”

  I meet his stare again once the call ends. He gives me a slow clap and a twisted smile. “That was quite the performance.”

  I blush, pushing away my immediate feelings of guilt. Guilt implies that I’ve done something wrong by sleeping with Ryan, and that isn’t the case. I didn’t cheat on Liam. Sure, having sex with Ryan while I’m casually seeing Liam isn’t something I’m proud of. But I’m not the first girl to get drunk and have meaningless sex with her male best friend, and I certainly won’t be the last.

  I place my phone on the countertop and shrug. “I learned from the best.”

  He grabs an apple from the fruit bowl and waits until I look him in the eye. “Listen, you are my best friend. You really are. But seriously, you are a saboteur.”

  I laugh despite my guilt and anger. “Um, no I’m not. It’s just breakfast. And in case you forgot, we never happened.” I frown at him, then rub my face with both hands while groaning. “Did you want to come for breakfast?”

  He snorts and pushes past me, exiting the kitchen and heading to the the front door.

  “What?” I shout at him.

  Ryan whips back to look at me. “I have no idea how you can even think of Aussie boy right now when you just had the best sex of your life. Good luck trying to have multiple orgasms with him.”

  My eyes widen in surprise. Is it possible Ryan is upset I am still going to see Liam? I close my eyes, my heart racing as I forcefully push away how he felt inside me, his taut and lean frame, the feeling of his mouth searing my lips with kisses, and the very intense multiple orgasms he gave me. And to think he might actually be trying to confuse me further.

  Seriously?

  Fuck that.

  We both know we are better off as friends, and what happened between us is better off never being spoken about ever again.

  “Who said those orgasms were even real?” My tone became edgy.

  “Whatever, Jonesy,” he scoffs, and pulls open my front door.

  “Oh, I’m Jonesy now?”

  “Always have been, always will be,” he says coldly. “Best buds, right?”

  I stare at him, trying to keep my cool and ignoring his obvious attempt to rile me up. This isn’t a game to me, and Ryan needs to get on the same page.

  “Are you coming for breakfast with us or not?” I finally ask, in a final attempt to smooth things over.

  “Not a chance.” The front door slams behind him.

  Chapter 11

  I walk into my beginner’s ballet class early that Saturday morning, and hear the sound of little girls’ giggles. Alodie stands at the front of the studio, fiddling with the stereo, her back turned to me.

  She then looks up and sees my approaching reflection on the mirrored walls. Her eyes widen in recognition.

  “Oh, Ella,” she gushes, scurrying forward to embrace me. “I’m so happy to see you.”

  I blink, feeling uneasiness bubble in the pit of my stomach. The subtle reminder of bringing Ryan back to my apartment and him ending up on top of me, both of us kissing and touching everywhere, is almost too much to handle as her big brown eyes searching mine for some type of acknowledgment. I’ve made a conscious effort to forget how incredibly amazing that night with Ryan felt. The last thing I want is to ruin our friendship. But something about seeing Alodie looking so distressed one short week later makes everything come crashing back at once.

  I pull back and get a good look at her. She appears like any girl who just experienced a break-up: puffy eyelids from crying herself to sleep, greasy hair piled into a topknot, a vacant stare from having her heart ripped out.

  “Sorry I’m a bit late.” I drop my duffel bag on the floor, then sit down and put on my ballet shoes. “Traffic was crazy.”

  “Obviously Ryan told you he broke up with me,” she cuts right to the chase. “He tells you everything.” She flops down beside me on the hardwood floor.

  I keep quiet and lace up my shoes, taking only a peek at her frowning face. “Can you believe the nerve of him to end things with me? After I waited an entire summer for him to come back from Australia like some desperate housewife!”

  “Yeah… I heard you two broke up,” I finally respond.

  “He said things were moving too fast. That he wasn’t sure I was what he wanted anymore.” Her voice quivers. “He said we weren’t in sync, whatever the hell that means. But I’m a catch! Look at me. I’m young, I’m pretty, I’m fun, I’m going somewhere in life. I just can’t accept that we’re done. I should have never asked him to meet my parents.” She sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose, trying desperately not to shed any more tears. “I thought he was the one,” she whispers.

  “I feel for you, I do.” I select a song for warmups. “But sometimes, relationships just end.”

  “We had something real, though,” she whines.

  We both fall silent for a few seconds. I don’t know how to tell her she isn’t special, or that Ryan would never commit to anyone long-term.

  Before I can decide whether or not to bluntly tell her the truth, she asks: “Is there someone else? Don’t lie to me, Ella. I’ll know if you are lying.”

  My stomach clenches. Of course, there isn’t someone else. Ryan may be a lot of things, but he’s not a cheater. So why do I feel like the worst human being on the planet?

  Probably because you had sex with her ex-boyfriend only twenty-four hours after they broke up.

  I open my mouth, but my heart immediately takes off, rapid-fire beats slamming against my breastbone. The memory of being with Ryan consumes every jagged breath, but I push it away. It would have to mean something for it to matter, and it totally doesn’t matter because it didn’t mean anything.

  You can do this, Ella. You can keep your cool and not say anything stupid. What Alodie doesn’t know can’t hurt her.

  “There isn’t anyone else,” I finally say.

  She lets out the most relieved breath. “Oh, thank God. I don’t know what I’d do if I find out he’s been sleeping around with someone else.” She pauses and glances over at me. I swallow hard, forcing down the lump stuck in my throat. “Has he said anything to you about us getting back together?”

  A strange twinge of unwanted jealousy balls in the pit of my stomach. The possibility of them working things out makes me feel uneasy. I tell myself I am being ridiculous, to shake away the unfamiliar itch on my skin and take a deep breath. “He hasn’t said anything to me, sorry.”

  She tugs on my arm, the most desperate expression flashing on her face. “Can you talk to him for me? Can you please try to convince him he’s being stupid for ending things?”

  “I really don’t want to get involved – “

  She cuts me off. “Please, Ella. Please! I’m begging you. Just tell him to call me back so we can talk. He won’t answer my calls or texts. He listens to you. If he would just talk to me, we could sort this all out.”

  I let out a small sigh. Once Ryan makes his mind up about something, there is no swaying his opinion or changing his decision. But if Alodie doesn’t know that about him by now, she probably never will – or she’s choosing to ignore his most dominant personality trait. It’s one of the many things I admire about Ryan. He’s not wishy-washy. He’s matter-of-fact, and true to his word.

  “Okay,” I reply. “I will tell him to give you a call.”

  “Thank you.” She smiles for the first time since I entered the studio. She leans over and hugs me again.

  “I can’t promise anything though,” I tell her. “A simple ‘you should call Alodie’ is all I can do.”

  “I know he’s your best friend, so I really appreciate you doing this,” s
he says, her sad eyes welling up again.

  I feel sorry for her. Ryan does have a natural way of captivating hearts and owning them. I’ve seen this same distraught look on so many girls faces’ over the past few years. I can honestly say I’m growing tired of being their shoulder to cry on.

  “I really hope this doesn’t change anything between us,” she says, hopeful.

  “Of course not,” I say back, lying to both of us.

  We both stand up and face our students, who are now standing in a line wearing black leotards, black tights, and tiny slippers.

  “Good morning, girls. Miss Alodie will be leading you through stretches and your first routine. Please say good morning to Miss Alodie.”

  Eight little girls chant in unison: “Good morning, Miss Alodie.”

  I turn on the warmup music and watch Alodie go through the motions while I quickly take attendance and review my choreography sheets.

  I really wish I didn’t have to lie to Alodie. And most importantly, I wish I don’t have to lie to myself about my night with Ryan. I shrug off any unwanted feelings; I need to focus on teaching this class and pulling myself together before I see him tonight.

  I’m in the passenger seat of Maisie’s car when Ryan texts me. I’m not surprised to see his name on my phone. We are already fifteen minutes late for Kale’s birthday party at Hennessey.

  Hurry up and get here before I drink an entire pitcher of beer to myself.

  Maisie checks me out from the driver’s side. “Who’s texting you? And please don’t say it’s Ryan telling you to hurry up.”

  “Of course it’s him,” I answer. Maisie is notoriously late, and it drives Ryan crazy. “He says to hurry up so he doesn’t have to drink an entire pitcher of beer to himself.”

  Maisie laughs. “Like that’s ever been a problem for him before.” She grins impishly. “Let’s mess around with him. Tell him I’m still in the shower and you have no idea when we will get there.”

  I shake my head. “No way. He’ll call me immediately and I won’t be able to keep the lie up. You know he will crack me.”

  “Just do it.” Her grin widens. “We are going to be at Hennessey in like ten minutes, anyway.”

  Normally, I would love nothing more than to mess with Ryan, but something tells me I’ve messed around with him too much lately.

  “Nah.” I tuck my phone into my purse. “Not tonight.”

  Maisie’s grin turns pensive. “Alright. You’re the boss, hun.”

  I shouldn’t be nervous about seeing Ryan, but I am, especially since we are celebrating at the same bar where Liam tends bar. I promised myself I wouldn’t have more than a couple of drinks. The last thing I need is to get a little tipsy around Ryan again.

  Maisie and I walk into our group’s favorite bar. She leads the way through the jampacked room and over to our regular booth in the back corner. I love everything about this bar – the worn leather seats, the tacky wallpaper, the strong pours – but I especially love the memories. When I scan the packed bar listening to the same rock music playing from a jukebox in the corner, I get all the feels. This place holds so many good memories and fun times with my friends, especially Ryan.

  I can barely see Liam working behind the bar because too many bodies are in front of him. But I can see Jayce, Kale and Ryan laughing and drinking as we approach the table. Even across the crowded bar, I immediately meet Ryan’s eyes. His wavy brown hair is styled and his brown eyes twinkle in our direction. My heart trips around inside my chest, reminding me I’m not supposed to react this way when he looks at me like this, and maybe suggesting I take a deep breath instead.

  Once we reach the booth, another rock song blasts through the speakers, but somehow Ryan’s voice rises above the music. “Geez, Ella. It’s about time. What the hell took you so long?” His grin makes something strange happen to my insides that hasn’t ever happened to me before. I tell myself it’s just my nerves acting up over my fear of things shifting between us. It couldn’t possibly be because of how good Ryan looks tonight.

  Maisie carefully studies Ryan. “Are you already drunk?”

  He laughs. “What? No. The night is young.”

  “You just called Ella Ella.” Maisie stares at him, then at me, then back at him. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say her real name.”

  “I’ve called Jonesy by her real name before,” Ryan snorts out a laugh, then shrugs as he sips his beer. “It’s not a big deal.”

  Except it is a big deal. The last time he referred to me as Ella, I’m pretty sure I was half-naked and making out with him on my sofa.

  Maisie‘s curiosity returns to me. I feel a little unsteady; if I dare make eye contact with her, she may see the truth about my sexcapades with Ryan all over my face.

  I glance over at Kale instead. “Happy birthday,” I say, keeping my voice steady. I slide into the booth beside him and directly across from Ryan. I quickly hug the birthday celebrant, who thanks me for the good wishes. I can feel Ryan’s eyes watching me as he nurses his beer. Maisie takes a seat beside Jayce and shifts her inquisitive gaze in Ryan’s direction.

  We order another pitcher, along with some food. The night goes smoothly, with the five of us chatting and cracking jokes in the comfort of our booth. The hours move on rapidly, but I suppose it does when you’re having a good time with your best friends.

  Liam approaches our table, a tray of drinks in hand. He leans against the side of the booth with a smile. “How about a round for my favorite Americans?”

  He looks really cute in a pair of dark-wash jeans and plain black t-shirt – a Hennessey makeshift uniform. His hair is swept to the side, and his blue eyes is fixed in my direction. I hadn’t gone over to visit him at the bar because I didn’t want to bother him while he was on shift; he looked really busy mixing cocktails and pouring from beer taps. We haven’t hung out since we had breakfast the day after my art show; I am not intentionally avoiding him, either. He’s been really busy working, and I’ve been busy with school work.

  “Are they on the house?” Jayce asks.

  Liam winks. “You know it.” He passes around another round of beer, but runs out when he gets to me. Instead of a beer, he places a fruity cocktail in front of me, leans over, and kisses me gently on my mouth. “I made you something special,” he whispers. “By the way, you look beautiful.”

  “Thanks.” I blush, taken aback after receiving his kiss. Public displays of affection make me uncomfortable, especially when I’m on the receiving end. I clear my throat and force a smile up at him.

  As he pulls away, I can see Ryan watching us wide-eyed from the opposite side of the table. The disapproving look on his face immediately annoys me. “Do you have something to say?”

  “Nope,” Ryan says flatly, leaning against the leather seat. His eyebrow twitches – his single tell – as he lifts his beer glass to his lips.

  I glower at him, then glance back up at Liam. “What time will you be done with work tonight?”

  “I’m closing up,” he says. “Unfortunately, I won’t be joining you guys. Don’t be a stranger, though,” he winks. “Once the crowd thins out a bit, come visit me at the bar for another one of my signature cocktails.”

  “Can I get one of those, too?” Maisie slyly asks. “Or are they just for Ella?”

  It is Liam’s turn to blush. “I can make you any kind of cocktail you like, but this one is just for Ella.” He gives me his most poised smile. “I better head back though, it’s a busy night. Can I get you guys anything else?”

  “How about our actual server,” Ryan teases, his voice half-kidding and half-serious.

  The ‘half-serious’ part flies right over Liam’s head. I glare back at Ryan across the table, who feigns innocence.

  “How about a round of shots?” Jayce suggests. “It is Kale’s birthday, after all.”

  Kale smiles. “Looks like I’m partying hard tonight!”

  “Sure thing. Coming right up.” Liam winks again before he weaves his way t
hrough the crowd and back behind the bar.

  “All those fruity cocktails suit you,” Ryan says, waiting for my reaction. I keep my face expressionless. “And all that PDA. You two seem pretty serious.”

  My laugh comes out as a grunt. “Okay, Ryan. Enough.”

  “Should we call him your boyfriend?” he asks. “Or maybe I’ll start calling him Mrs. Jonesy. You know, since you’re like one of the guys.”

  “He’s not my boyfriend, and that’s the rudest thing I’ve ever heard you say,” I scold him. “It’s not funny.”

  Ryan doesn’t respond. Jayce, Kale and Maisie sip their drinks in awkward silence. Another server appears with a tray of shots and doles them out, breaking the tension.

  “To Kale’s birthday!” Jayce raises his shot glass. “Let’s make tonight a night to remember!”

  The night changes from annoyingly awkward to fantastically fun in a matter of hours, but maybe that’s because I purposely separated myself from Ryan. I was tired of him being cold with me and ruining my good vibes. Instead, I tear up the dance floor with Maisie. I sit at the bar and flirt with Liam. And I chat with a bunch of girls I know from campus.

  Then I’m at the bar again, this time to order another drink for Kale. I hear Maisie’s voice on my right side. “Okay, spill.”

  “Excuse me?” I laugh.

  “Something is totally up between you and Ryan,” she shouts over the music. “Don’t lie to me.”

  Shit. I hate how observant Maisie can be. Why can’t she be less attentive?

  “Nothing is up.”

  “Something is one-hundred percent up.” She sits down on the stool next to me, and gets comfy like she doesn’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon. “First, he called you Ella. Second, he’s been a jackass toward you all night. Third, he hasn’t stopped watching you like a hawk.”

  I sneak a peek at Ryan, who is still sitting in our booth. Okay, so he’s watching me, mostly my mouth. He’s looking at my lips in a way I’ve never seen him do before, probably because he’s trying to lip-read what I’m saying to Maisie in fear of me blurting out our little secret. When he realizes I’ve caught him staring at me, he turns his attention to Jayce and Kale and joins in to laugh at whatever they said.