The Big U

by Neal Stephenson

  Sarah was aware of this: she had watched him page slowly and intensely through the paper, waiting with mild dread for him to get to the back page, see the picture and say something embarrassing. Instead—even more embarrassing—he actually read the article, and before he reached the bottom of the page, the student ahead of Sarah stomped out and she found herself impaled on the azure gaze of the chief bureaucrat of the College of Sciences and Humanities. “How,” said Mrs. Santucci crisply, “may I help you?”

  Mrs. Santucci was polite. Her determination to be decent, and to make all things decent, was like that of all the Iranian Revolutionary Guards combined. Her policy of no-first-use meant that as long as we were objective and polite, any conversation would slide pleasantly down greased iron rails into a pit of despair. Any first strike by us, any remarks deemed improper by this grandmother of twenty-six and player of two dozen simultaneous bingo cards, would bring down massive retaliation. Sarah knew her. She arose primly and moved to the front chair of the line to look across a barren desk at Mrs. Santucci.

  “I’m a senior in this college. I was lucky enough to get an out-of-Plex apartment for this fall. When I got there today I found that the entire block of buildings had been shut down for eight months by the Board of Health. I went to Housing. Upon reaching the head of that line, I was told that it was being handled by Student Affairs. Upon reaching the head of the line there, I was given this form and told to get signatures at Housing and right here…”

  Mrs. Santucci reached out with the briskness that only old secretaries can approach and seized the papers. “This form is already signed,” she informed Sarah.

  “Right. I got that done at about one o’clock. But when I got to my new temporary room assignment it turned out to be the B-men’s coffee lounge and storeroom for the northeast quad of the first sublevel. It is full of B-men all the time. You know how they are—they don’t speak much English, and you know what kinds of things they decorate their walls with”—this attempt to get Mrs. Santucci’s sympathy by being prissy was not obviously successful—“and I can’t possibly live there. I returned to Housing. To change my room assignment is a whole new procedure, and I need a form from you which says I’m in good academic standing so far this semester.”

  “That form,” Mrs. Santucci noted, “will require signatures from all your instructors.”

  “I know,” said Sarah. All was going according to plan and she was approaching the center of her pitch. “But the semester hasn’t started yet! And half my courses don’t even have teachers assigned! So, since I’m a senior and my GPA is good, could the Dean okay my room change without the form? Doesn’t that make sense? Sort of?” Sarah sighed. She had broken at the end, her confidence destroyed by Mrs. Santucci’s total impassivity, by those arms folded across a navy-blue bosom like the Hoover Dam, by a stare like the headlights of an oncoming streetsweeper.

  “I’m sure this is all unnecessary. Perhaps they don’t know that their lounge has been reassigned. If you can just explain matters to them, I’m sure that Building Maintenance will be happy to accommodate you.”

  Sarah felt defeated. It had been a nice summer, and while away she had forgotten how it was. She had forgotten that the people who ran this place didn’t have a clue as to how reality worked, that in their way they were all as crazy as Bert Nix. She closed her eyes and tilted her tense head back, and the man in the chair behind her intervened.

  “Wait a minute,” he said righteously. His voice was high, but carried conviction and reasonable sensitivity. “She can’t be expected to do that. Those guys don’t even speak English. All they speak is Bosnian or Moldavian or something.”

  “Moravian,” said Mrs. Santucci in her Distant Early Warning voice, which was rumored to set off burglar alarms within a quarter-mile radius.

  “The language is Crotobaltislavonian, a modern dialect of Old Scythian,” announced Sarah, hoping to end the conflict. “The B-Men are refugees from Crotobaltislavonia.”

  “Listen, I talk to Magrov all the time, and I say it’s Moravian.” Sarah felt her body temperature begin to drop as she chanced a direct look at Mrs. Santucci.

  Trying to sound prim, Sarah said. “Have you ever considered the possibility that you are confusing Magrov with Moravian?” Seeing the look on Mrs. Santucci’s face, she then inhaled sharply and shifted away. Just as the old bureaucrat’s jaw was starting to yawn, her chest rising like the return of Atlantis, Casimir Radon leaned way across and yanked something out of Sarah’s lap and—in a tone so arresting that it was answered by Bert Nix outside—exclaimed, “Wait a minute!”

  Casimir was meek and looked like a nerd and a wimp, but he was great in a crisis. The lost continent subsided and Mrs. Santucci leaned forward with a dangerous frown. Out in the hallway the exasperated Bert Nix cried, “But there’s no more minutes to wait! To save the Big U we’ve got to start now!”

  Casimir had taken Sarah’s room assignment card from the stack of ammunition on her lap, and was peering at it like a scientific specimen. It was an IBM card, golden yellow, with a form printed on it in yellow-orange ink. In the center of the form was a vague illustration of the Monoplex, looking decrepit and ruined because of the many rectangular holes punched through it. Along the top was a row of boxes labeled with tiny blurred yellow-orange abbreviations that were further abbreviated by rectangular holes. Numbers and letters were printed in black ink in the vicinity of each box.

  Bert Nix was still carrying on outside. “Then fell the fires of Eternity with loud & shrill Sound of loud Trumpet thundering along from heaven to heaven, A mighty sound articulate Awake ye dead & come To Judgment from the four winds Awake & Come away Folding like scrolls of the Enormous volume of Heaven & Earth With thunderous noises & dreadful shakings rocking to & fro: The heavens are shaken & the Earth removed from its place; the foundations of the eternal Hills discovered: The thrones of Kings are shaken they have lost their robes and crowns…and that’s what poetry is! Not the caterwaulings of the Unwise!”

  Finally, Casimir looked relieved. “Yeah, I thought that might be it. You were reading this number here. Right?” He got up and stood beside Sarah and pointed to her temporary room number.

  “Sure,” said Sarah, suddenly feeling dreadful.

  “Well,” said Casimir, sounding apologetic, “that’s not what you want. Your room is not identified by room number, because some rooms repeat. It’s identified by door number, which is unique for all doors. This number you were looking at isn’t either of those, it’s your room ID number, which has to do with data processing. That ID number refers to your actual door number, incorrectly called room number. It is the middle six digits of this character string here. See?” He masked the string of figures between the dirty backward parenthesis of his thumbnails. “In your case we have E12S, giving tower, floor and wing, and then 49, your actual room number.”

  Sarah did not know whether to scream, apologize or drop dead. She shoved her forms into her knapsack and stood. “Thank you for your trouble, Mrs. Santucci,” she said quickly. “Thank you,” she said to Casimir, then snapped around and headed for the door, though not fast enough to escape a withering harrrumph from Mrs. Santucci. But as she stepped into the hallway, which in order to hold down utility costs was dimly lit, she saw a dark and ragged figure out of the corner of her eye. She looked behind to see Bert Nix grab the doorframe and swing around until he was leaning into the office.

  “Listen, Genevieve,” he said, “she doesn’t need any of your phlegm! She’s President! She’s my friend! You’re just a doorstop!” As much as Sarah wanted to hear the rest of this, she didn’t have the energy.

  Casimir was left inside, his last view of Sarah interrupted by the dangling figure of the loony, caught in a crossfire he wanted no part of.

  “I’ll call the guards,” said Mrs. Santucci, who for the first time was showing uneasiness.

  “Today?” Bert Nix found this a merry idea. “You think you can get a guard today?”

  “You’d
better stop coming or we’ll keep you from coming back.”

  His eyes widened in mock, crimson-rimmed awe, “Ooh,” he sighed, “that were terrible. I’d have no reason to live.” He pulled himself erect, walked in and climbed from the arm of Casimir’s chair to the broad slate sill of the window. As Mrs. Santucci watched with more terror than seemed warranted, the derelict swung one window open like a door, letting in a gust of polluted steam.

  By the time he was leaning far outside and grinning down the seventy-foot drop to the Parkway and the interchange, she had resolved to try diplomacy—though she motioned that Casimir should try to grab his legs. Casimir ignored this; it was obvious that the man was just trying to scare her. Casimir was from Chicago and found that these Easterners had no sense of humor.

  “Now, Pert,” said Mrs. Santucci, “don’t give an old lady a hard time.”

  Bert Nix dropped back to the sill. “Hard time! What do you know about hard times?” He thrust his hand through a hole in his jacket, wiggling his long fingers at her, and wagging his out-of-control tongue for a few seconds. Finally he added, “Hard times make you strong.”

  “I’ve got work to do, Pert.”

  This seemed to remind him of something. He closed the window and cascaded to the floor. “So do I,” he said, then turned to Casimir and whispered, “That’s the Julian Didius III Memorial Window. That’s what I call it, anyway. Like the view?”

  “Yeah, it’s nice,” said Casimir, hoping that this would not become a conversation.

  “Good,” said the derelict, “so did J. D. It’s the last view he ever saw. Couldn’t handle the job. That’s why I call it that.”

  The giggling Bert Nix ambled back into the hall, satisfied, pausing only to steal the contents of the office wastebasket.

  Through most of this Casimir sat still and stared at the faded German travel poster on the wall. Now he was really in the talons of Mrs. Santucci, who had probably shifted into adrenaline overdrive and was likely to fling her desk through the wall. Instead, she was perfectly calm and professional. Casimir disliked her for it.

  “I’m a junior physics major and I transferred in from a community college in Illinois. I know the first two years of physics inside and out, but there’s a problem. The rules here say physics courses must include ‘socioeconomic contexts backgrounding,’ which I guess means it has to explain how it fits in with today’s something or other…”

  “In order to context the learning experience with the real world,” said Mrs. Santucci gravely, “we must include socioeconomic backgrounding integral with the foregrounded material.”

  “Right. Anyway, my problem is that I don’t think I need it. I’m not here to give you my memoirs or anything, but my parents were immigrants. I came from a slum, got started in electronics, sort of made my own way, saw a lot of things, and so I don’t think I really need this. It’d be a shame if I had to start all over, learning, uh, foregrounded material I already know.”

  Mrs. Santucci rolled her eyes so that the metal-flake blue eye shadow on her lids flashed intermittently like fishing lures drawn through a murky sea. “Well, it has been done. It must be arranged with the curriculum chair of your department.”

  “Who is that for physics?”

  “Distinguished Professor Sharon,” she said. Bulging her eyeballs at Casimir, she made a respectful silence at the Professor’s name, daring him to break it.

  When Casimir returned to consciousness he was drifting down a hallway, still mumbling to himself in astonishment. He had an appointment to meet the Professor Sharon. He would have been ecstatic just to have sat in on one of the man’s lectures!

  Casimir Radon was an odd one, as American Megaversity students went. This was a good thing for him, as the Housing people simply couldn’t match him up with a reasonable roommate; he was assigned a rare single. It was in D Tower, close to the sciences bloc where he would spend most of his time, on a floor of single rooms filled by the old, the weird and the asinine who simply could not live in pairs.

  In order to find his room he would have to trace a mind-twisting path through the lower floors until he found the elevators of D Tower. So before he got himself lost, he went to the nearest flat surface, which was the top of a large covered wastebasket. From it he cleared away a few Dorito bags and a half-drained carton of FarmSun SweetFresh brand HomeLivin’ Artificial Chocolate-Flavored Dairy Beverage and forced them into the overflowing maw below. He then removed his warped and sweat-soaked Plex map (the Plexus) from his pocket and unfolded it on the woodtoned Fiberglass surface.

  As was noted at the base of the Plexus, it had been developed by the AM Advanced Graphics Workshop. Rather than presenting maps of each floor of the Plex, they had used an Integrated Projection to show the entire Plex as a network of brightly colored paths and intersections. The resulting tangle was so convoluted and yet so clean and spare as to be essentially without meaning. Casimir, however, could read it, because he was not like us. After applying his large intelligence to the problem for several minutes he was able to find the most efficient route, and following it with care, he quickly became lost.

  The mistake was a natural one. The elevators, which were busy even in the dead of night, were today clogged with catatonic parents from New Jersey clutching beanbag chairs and giant stuffed animals. Fortunately (he thought), adjacent to each elevator was an entirely unused stairwell.

  Casimir discovered shortly afterward that in the lower floors of the Plex all stairwell doors locked automatically from the outside.

  I discovered it myself at about the same time. Unlike Casimir I had been in the Plex for ten days, but I had spent them typing up notes for my classes. It is unwise to prepare two courses in ten days, and I knew it. I hadn’t gotten to it until the last minute, for various reasons, and so I’d spent ten days sitting there in my bicycling shorts, drinking beer, typing, and sweating monumentally in the fetid Plex air. So my first exposure to the Plex and its people really came that afternoon, when I wandered out into the elevator lobby and punched the buttons. The desperate Tylenol-charged throngs in the elevators did not budge when the doors opened, because they couldn’t. They stared at me as though I were Son of Godzilla, which I was used to, and I stared at them and tried to figure out how they got that way, and the doors clunked shut. I discovered the stairways, and once I got below the bottom of the tower and into the lower levels, I also found that I was locked in.

  For fifteen minutes I followed dimly lit stairs and corridors smelling of graffiti solvent and superfluous floor wax, helplessly following the paths that students would take if the Plex ever had to be evacuated. Through little windows in the locked doors I peered out of this twilight zone and into the different zones of the Plex—Cafeteria, Union, gymnasia, offices—but my only choice was to follow the corridors, knowing they would dump me into the ghetto outside. At last I turned a corner and saw the wall glistening with noisy grey outside light. At the end of the line, a metal door swung silently in the breeze, emblazoned thus: FIRE ESCAPE ONLY. WARNING—ALARM WILL SOUND.

  I stepped out the door and looked down a long, steep slope into the canyon of the Turnpike.

  The American Megaversity Campustructure was three blocks on a side, and squatted between the Megalopolitan Turnpike on the north and the Ronald Reagan Parkway on the south. Megaversity Stadium, the only campus building not inside the Plex proper, was to the west, and on the east was an elaborate multilevel interchange interconnecting the Pike, the Parkway, the Plex and University Avenue. The Pike ran well below the base of the Plex, and so as I emerged from the north wall of the building I found myself atop a high embankment. Below me the semis and the Audis shot past through the layered blue monoxide, and their noises blended into a waterfall against the unyielding Plex wall. Aside from a few wretched weeds growing from cracks in the embankment, no life was to be seen, except for Casimir Radon.

  He had just emerged from another emergency exit. We saw each other from a hundred feet apart, waved and walked toward e
ach other. As we converged, I regarded a tall and very thin man with an angular face and a dense five-o’clock shadow. He wore round rimless glasses. His black hair was in disarray as usual; during the year it was to vary almost randomly between close-cropped and shoulder-length. I soon observed that Casimir could grow a shadow before lunch, and a beard in three days. He and I were the same age, though I was a recent Ph.D. and he a junior.

  Later I was to think it remarkable that Casimir and I should emerge from those fire doors at nearly the same moment, and meet. On reflection I have changed my mind. The Big U was an unnatural environment, a work of the human mind, not of God or plate tectonics. If two strangers met in the rarely used stairways, it was not unreasonable that they should turn out to be similar, and become friends. I thought of it as an immense vending machine, cautiously crafted so that any denomination too ancient or foreign or irregular would rattle about randomly for a while, find its way into the stairway system, and inevitably be deposited in the reject tray on the barren back side. Meanwhile, brightly colored graduates with attractively packaged degrees were dispensed out front every June, swept up by traffic on the Parkway and carried away for leisurely consumption. Had I understood this earlier I might have come to my senses and immediately resigned, but on that hot September day, with the exhaust abrading our lungs and the noise squashing our conversation, it seemed worthwhile to circle around to the Main Entrance and give it another try.

  We headed east to avoid the stadium. On our right the wall stretched up and away for acres in a perfect cinderblock grid. After passing dozens of fire doors we came to the corner and turned into the access lot that stretched along the east wall. Above, at many altitudes, cars and trucks screeched and blasted through the tight curves of the interchange. People called it the Death Vortex, and some claimed that parts of it extended into the fourth dimension. As soon as it had been planned, the fine old brownstone neighborhood that was its site plummeted into slumhood: Haitians and Vietnamese filled the place up, and the feds airproofed the buildings and installed giant electric air filters before proceeding.