Epic Farm Boy

by Sam Ferguson

  “I see,” Simplin said as he tugged at his beard. “And this ten-fingered man, he killed your father, is that it?”

  “No.”

  “Your mother?”

  “No.”

  “Your wife?”

  Mulligan shook his head.

  “What did he do, exactly?”

  “He dishonored me greatly,” Mulligan said. The dwarf took in a deep breath and then slowly exhaled. “One time, we saw each other at a party. We were wearing the same suit, of course. I had bought mine first, but he wouldn’t listen. He called me a dumb dummy-head copycat, and everyone laughed at me.”

  “I’m sorry, he called you a name, and now you want to kill him?”

  “I will kill him, and slay him, until he dies from it!”

  “What?”

  Mulligan held out a hand, as if envisioning the moment. “I will walk into the Dark Tower, break down his door, and when I find him I will say: Hello, my name is Mulligan Francis Mortimer the third, you insulted my honor, prepare to—”

  “I get the point,” Simplin interrupted. “Now, about that potion.”

  “Oh, right. Yes, I have it, but you will have to wait until we find and kill the ten-fingered man. Then you can have it. You help me, I help you. Simple as that.”

  Very well, let’s go. We’re already behind schedule, and I have 7 chapters left to go.”

  “Sure, but there is something we need to do first,” Mulligan said.

  “What’s that?” Simplin asked.

  Mulligan’s right eye twinkled and he cracked his knuckles. “Obligatory bar fight scene.” Before Simplin could protest, the stout dwarf ran over to his brother, who was gyrating horribly immodestly atop one of the tables, and socked him right in the face.

  “Oh for the love…” Simplin said with a sigh.

  CHAPTER 8

  Chapter 8 was going to be absolutely amazing. According to the outline, the heroes were going to confront a war band of orcs. Simplin was finally going to get to do some amazing magic, Lucas was going to go to town with his axe, and Mulligan was literally going to rip out an orc’s spine and start beating the rest of them with it.

  Alas, as Jack started writing that chapter, all of the heroes failed to show up.

  Simplin had a hangover – yes, from one drink – Mulligan was still sleeping after the fight in the Dancing Donkey, and Lucas was just too beat up. A couple of bruised ribs and he started getting pretty whiny. So, after much deliberation back and forth, Simplin convinced Jack to skip this section. But it would have been epic. Like, super epic.

  CHAPTER 9

  The trio made their way across the Plains of Desolation, through the Soggy Swamp, and finally to the Forest of Freedom, where they found a building made of stone. Outside there was a sign.

  Here lies a beauty, skin as white as snow, heart as pure as gold. Seeking Prince to wake her up and rescue her from the horrible witch’s spell.

  “I wonder what this is.” Lucas said. “Maybe we should go in and check it out.”

  “I don’t know,” Simplin said. “We have a long way to go yet, and we still have much to do before we can reach our goal.”

  A puff of smoke appeared on the road and a little gnome jumped out at them, sword in one hand and wand in another. “Don’t move! Be ye agents of the witch, or the Prince?”

  “I hate gnomes!” Mulligan huffed. “So ugly and weird with their wrinkly skin and their bad breath, and they never, ever bathe.”

  “We’re like cats,” the gnome said. “We don’t mix well with water. Not our fault. Now, answer my question. I have already surmised that the dwarf is an enemy, and must be taken prisoner, but what about you two, hmm?”

  “An enemy?” Simplin said. “Now listen here, we are friends,” he said.

  “Agent of the witch, or of the prince? Answer me now!” the gnome shouted as he jumped up and poked his wand into Lucas’ chest.

  “Hey, do that one more time and I’ll cut you in half, midget!” Lucas warned as he pulled his axe.

  “A-ha! Only an agent of the witch would use intimidation! Mhm! Yep, I knew it. That leaves only you, tall one with the beard and funny pointed hat.”

  Simplin bristled. “You’re wearing a red pointy hat, but yours isn’t funny?” Simplin asked.

  “No, it looks good on me, on you, the style just looks silly, like you’re trying too hard. Compensating for something are we? Hmm?”

  “Well! I never!”

  “Answer me now!” the gnome shouted, whacking Simplin across the knees.

  “Ouch, stop it! We’re friends. We are all friends I tell you. We’re on a quest to destroy Skidmark the Brown.”

  “Aah!” the gnome shrieked. “Can’t say his name—can’t say his name!” The gnome turned to run. There was a screeching sound from above as a great eagle swooped down. The gnome tried to run, zig-zagging this way and that, but it was too late. The sharp talons ripped through the gnome’s little body and the creature was carried off.

  “Well now, um, that was just unfortunate,” Simplin said.

  “You really have to stop saying that name,” Lucas said.

  “Yeah, maybe you’re right,” Simplin said.

  “Come on, let’s go inside and see if we can help,” Lucas said.

  “Inside,” Simplin echoed nervously. “What if there are more of those gnomes in there? Then what? They have powerful magic you know.”

  “Fine, you stay out here, and Mulligan and I will go inside. If you see trouble coming, then you can warn us, all right?”

  Simplin shook his head. “What about trouble inside the building? What then?”

  “Then I have Mulligan. They aren’t going to beat the two of us. A dwarf with his mighty fighting prowess, and me, the epic farm boy who slaughters winged demons – they’ll be terribly outmatched if they try anything.”

  “I don’t like this,” Simplin said.

  “I feel like I have to go in,” Lucas said. “Check the magic book you have. See if I have to go in.”

  “All right, fine.” Simplin pulled out the book of notes and flipped through the pages. “Well, I’ll be a horny-toad on Tuesday. It says you are supposed to go in.”

  “Then what?” Mulligan asked. “Any tips, or a walkthrough to help us avoid danger?”

  “Let me see,” Simplin said.

  Just then, the book disappeared from Simplin’s hands.

  “Hey, what happened?” Mulligan cried out.

  “Jack, come on, give it back!” Simplin shouted.

  “If you want to continue, then you have to go through the rest of this story on your own, learning things as you go. It’s no fair if you always jump ahead, skip fight scenes, or know how to beat things. How will the reader see you grow?”

  “But what if you try to trick me?” Simplin shouted back.

  “He talks with the gods,” Mulligan declared as he fell to a knee.

  “Nah, it isn’t a god, it’s an author,” Lucas said.

  “An author, what kind of author is this?” Mulligan asked.

  “One with a really big ego and not a lot of follow-through from what Simplin tells me,” Lucas said.

  “Will you two be quiet, this is a private conversation,” Simplin roared.

  Mulligan and Lucas went a few yards to the side to allow Simplin some privacy.

  “Look, I get that the character is supposed to grow,” Simplin began. “But, I want to make sure this story ends where it is supposed to. I don’t want you to cut it short, or try to trick me into quitting.”

  “No notes,” Jack said. “However, if you are afraid of what’s to come, you could always release my hands and let me go.”

  “Nope. Nothin’ doin’.”

  A heavy sigh rolled across the sky that almost sounded like thunder. “Well then, Simplin, you had best get a move on. From here on out, you are on your own. No notes, and no spoilers.”

  “Fine!” Simplin roared.

  “Fine,” Jack said.

  Simplin returned to the
others and huffed. “The author won’t let me use the notes anymore. Says we have to go about this on our own from here on out.”

  “Well, I didn’t even know we had notes,” Mulligan said.

  “And the notes never told us about Liriel,” Lucas pointed out. “So, they really weren’t all that helpful anyway. Come on, let’s go help this person out.”

  “I’ll stay out here,” Simplin said. He snapped his fingers and his large recliner appeared off under the shade of a large elm tree. “Come and let me know when you’re done.”

  Lucas shrugged and gestured for Mulligan to walk with him.

  *****

  The pair walked into the stone building and closed the door behind them.

  “Strange architecture,” Mulligan noted.

  “Maybe those gnome things built it,” Lucas said.

  Mulligan shook his head. “No, they live in holes in trees and mushrooms and things. They don’t really build buildings, and if they did, they certainly wouldn’t make a structure with vaulted ceilings.”

  “Look over there,” Lucas said.

  “A glass coffin?” Mulligan commented. “That’s a bit morbid, isn’t it?”

  “Let’s go check it out, someone’s in there.”

  Lucas walked up the aisle between the rows of wooden pews and stepped up to the dais where the glass coffin rested. Inside was a beautiful woman, her arms folded peacefully over her chest, with a rose in one hand and a crown in the other.

  “Wow, she is bee-oot-i-full!” Mulligan said.

  “She’s all right,” Lucas replied. “Her skin sure is pale though. I mean, she puts my farmer’s tan to shame, and that’s saying something!”

  “Well, what did she die from?” Mulligan asked.

  Lucas shook his head. “Didn’t die, looks like she is the one the other sign was talking about. Look at this plaque.”

  “I can’t read it,” Mulligan said.

  “You can’t read?” Lucas scoffed. “I thought you were a chemist who makes great potions.”

  “I am, but I don’t read Common Tongue. I can speak it all right, but reading and writing are totally different. I can only read or write in my language.”

  “Really?”

  Mulligan nodded. “I don’t know why everyone assumes that all races are entirely fluent in Common Tongue. I mean, it takes a lot of work to learn a language. Do you know how hard it is to become fluent, I mean, truly fluent in another language?”

  “Well, I saw an advertisement once that you could learn any language in three weeks just using one simple trick that—”

  “Hogwash,” Mulligan cut in. “I’ve been at it for years, and I still can’t read Common Tongue worth a lick.”

  Lucas shrugged. “Well, in any case, it says that when the prince arrives and kisses her, she will wake up and the curse will be lifted.”

  “A kiss?” Mulligan asked.

  “Yep.”

  “Well, what kind of silly magic is that?” Mulligan asked. “Shoot, if all it takes is a kiss, then I could do that, and then we can be on our way.”

  “Well, we are heroes,” Lucas said. “If we can help someone in need, we should do our best.”

  “Except, it feels a bit weird, I mean, I don’t know her at all. Think it would work if I just kissed her hand or something?”

  “Maybe,” Lucas said. “Either way, if she is locked into an eternal sleeping curse, I bet she wouldn’t mind.”

  Mulligan started wringing his hands and then finally gave a resolute nod. “True. All right, well let’s remove the glass cover and see if we can wake her up.”

  The two of them no sooner reached out to touch the coffin than a dozen puffs of smoke popped up all around them.

  “Hold on!” a gnome shouted. “I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but you’re under arrest!”

  “Arrest?” Lucas said. “For what?”

  “Sexual assault,” a second gnome said.

  “Hold on, this is just a misunderstanding,” Mulligan said. “I was only going to try and kiss her hand, and only because the sign says that that’s how her curse can be broken.”

  “Oh sure, give me your excuses, they won’t save you!” a third gnome shouted.

  “Well, wait,” Lucas said. “We’re just here because of these signs. I mean, does she know the prince that is supposed to come and kiss her to wake her up?”

  “No,” a fourth gnome said.

  “Well then, would you arrest him?” Lucas pressed, thinking he had a good legal angle to work with.

  “Of course not!” a fifth gnome shouted.

  “But why not?” Lucas asked. “It would be the same thing, wouldn’t it?”

  “No!” yelled a sixth gnome as he conjured a spear. “A prince is rich, and rich people have a different set of laws, that’s what sets them apart from scum like you!”

  “Scum like us?” Mulligan echoed. “Why, you little snoggblaster!”

  “Aha!” a seventh shouted. “Add assaulting an officer to the charges.”

  “Assault?!” Lucas repeated. “He didn’t even touch you!”

  “But his words hurt me, and they made me feel intimidated. I’ve been assaulted!”

  “How about I roast you, set you on a plate, and then, a-salt you, you good for nothing little—”

  “Mulligan, shut up, you are not helping us any,” Lucas cried.

  “They can’t arrest us. We didn’t do anything!”

  “You tried to kiss her, and you are not a prince, therefore, you are not rich, therefore you are charged with sexual assault!”

  “Wait!” Lucas said as he dug into his pocket. He pulled out the ruby that Dr. What had given him. “I am rich. So how about now, can we go free?”

  The gnomes all looked at each other, then to the ruby.

  “Thieves!!!” they all cried in unison. “Lock ‘em up and take them to the dungeon in Lickedintime!”

  “Oh come on,” Lucas said.

  Mulligan pulled his weapons and charged the nearest gnome. “By the sword of Algerthak, I will slay you AAAAALLLLLLL!” The poor guy hadn’t even finished his war cry before tripping on an untied shoelace and flying down the stairs leading down from the dais, crashing his head through a wooden pew and knocking himself out.

  The gnomes all began laughing, and then they turned to Lucas.

  “Go ahead punk, make my planetary rotation,” one of the gnomes said with a grin as he pulled out a very strange metal machine and pointed it toward Lucas. Lucas had no idea what would happen, perhaps a crossbow bolt would fire from the end, he didn’t know, but he did know that he was in a no-win position.

  “The ruby really is mine,” Lucas said.

  “Nope, it belongs to King Nunya,” a gnome said as he reached out and grabbed the ruby.

  “Excellent,” Lucas huffed. “I hope Simplin is watching.”

  *****

  Unfortunately, Simplin wasn’t watching. He was asleep in his recliner, reading the latest issue of Folks magazine and catching up on the royal gossip. He slept through the entire ordeal as a carriage came to the building and an army of gnomes rushed inside. A moment later, Mulligan was carried out on a stretcher and tossed into the back of the carriage. Then the gnomes all went back in and grabbed Lucas. He was bound at the hands and feet, screaming and shouting for help.

  “SIMPLIN! GET UP! HELP US!”

  Simplin didn’t wake.

  The gnomes subdued Lucas and then carried him up in their hands so he couldn’t resist, and roughly threw him into the carriage. The doors were slammed shut. The gnome with the strange metal weapon fired a horrendously loud shot into the air, and the carriage sped off down the road. Then, the twelve sentries returned into the stone building, and locked the door from the inside.

  A few minutes later, as Simplin was snoring and a bit of spittle was oozing over the side of his cheek, a butterfly came to him and gently landed upon his nose.

  “WHAT!?” Simplin shouted as he flailed about, swatting the poor butterfly and break
ing its wings.

  “I came to help,” the butterfly squeaked.

  “Help!? Help with what?” Simplin asked.

  “Your friends, they were taken to Lickedintime. They’re going to the dungeon,” the butterfly said.

  “WHAT?!” Simplin looked down the road. He could see a trail of dust, but nothing else. He whipped out a pair of binoculars and focused them on the road, and then he saw Lucas, pressing his face up to the bars in a small, square window on the back side of a prison carriage. Lucas was obviously shouting for help. Then, one of the gnome guards reached down and whacked the bars with a stick, and Lucas disappeared from view.

  “No, how could I let this happen!? I needed those notes, Jack! I could have avoided this whole thing!”

  “Less arguing, more running,” the butterfly said.

  “Right,” Simplin said. He jumped up and started to run, but then stopped and turned back. “Sorry about the wing!” He then turned and ran, entirely oblivious to the fact that he had left his magazine hanging on the side of the armrest. It slid off, and the screaming butterfly was crushed.

  Simplin ran, and ran, and ran. His lungs were burning, his feet were throbbing, and his stomach was developing a stitch that threatened to double him over. When at last he couldn’t run anymore, he stomped his feet hard, slowing down abruptly into a slow walk as he rubbed his side.

  “Man, I’m just not as fast as I used to be,” he said. He looked off to the side and saw that he was only about ten yards beyond where the stone building was, meaning he had run only a total of fifty yards before needing to stop.

  “Well, I never was that good at running,” he said.

  CHAPTER 10

  No matter how quickly he walked, Simplin continued to fall far behind the wagon carrying his two friends. If only he had been there to help Lucas, he surely could have prevented the whole misunderstanding. Be that as it may, he knew that the borders of Lickedintime were drawing ever closer. The signs were unmistakable as the ground grew ever damper, and the air ever warmer. Legend had it that a great, slumbering dragon lay in a cavern at the heart of the system of hills that stood guard over the city-kingdom of Lickedintime. Its breath warmed the boggy ground, encouraging an ever present mist to rise into the air and obscure the land. Not only was the place practically impossible to invade because of the low visibility and difficult terrain, it was notorious for the heavy handed rule of King Nunya and his judicial arm of enforcement, Justice Rudy. Simplin knew he had only a short time until Lucas and Mulligan would be tried in the court of Justice Rudy, and that didn’t bode well for anyone.