Epic Farm Boy

by Sam Ferguson

  Simplin squeezed by the static guards intending to make another run for freedom. Through the mist he thought he glimpsed the tree line not far off.

  “You have skills, dear wizard, but don’t be foolish enough to think you can surprise me twice,” Justice Rudy warned, apparently having been detained in his departure from the city by the excitement on the road that had erupted when Simplin had detonated the prison wagon.

  “What do you want from me?” Simplin asked.

  “Mostly, I think at this time, you probably should be dressed. Your personal belongings were in the wagon, and whether or not they survived your impressive display of hydro-technics remains to be seen.” At the judge’s recommendation, Simplin pulled off Krig’s cape and cowl. He slipped it on to cover himself and was impressed with its instant warmth.

  “I want that back Rudy, after it has been cleaned,” the peace keeper grumbled.

  “Not to worry, peace keeper, I’ll make sure of it. Although, probably not any time soon.” The judge motioned at Simplin and said, “Come along.” Simplin found that he was moving as commanded, against his will, but not feeling threatened by the justice. Was the judge—the magic user—leery of Simplin’s magical capacity?

  “I have no intentions of abiding by your whims, Rudy,” Simplin said as he resisted the judge’s powerful spell, his bare feet rutting the mud.

  “You will if you want to live free from the constraints of factory labor,” Rudy said.

  Simplin was surprised by this revelation, “You have other plans for me?” he asked.

  “Indeed, I have something…else in mind for you…and you are coming with me, willingly or not.”

  “Simplin, this is your chance,” the voice from the meditation realm said as it popped into his head. He felt the burning, tickling sensation on his chest. “This man is a high level magic user, but his skill has come at others’ expense. Go with him and wait for my signal, then say ‘Loreikus ethicus denouncicus’ got it?”

  Simplin nodded. Got it.

  Justice Rudy held up his hand just as Simplin came close. There was a brilliant flash of light, and then a dome of darkness descended over the entire group. All of the guards and soldiers fell asleep instantly, leaving only Rudy and Simplin.

  “I am going to need your help with something,” Rudy said. “You see, those with a little magic are put to work in the burlap factory. While they work, their essence is drained from them, so that by the time their sentence is complete, they have no magical abilities left.” Rudy pulled a green amulet up from under his clothing.

  “Oh, Rudy,” Simplin muttered aloud, instantly recognizing the relic for what it was. “That’s the Gem of Soul-sucking,” Simplin said.

  “Why yes, yes it is. I have used it to imbue the entire factory with its spell, but in your case, I am too impatient to wait the weeks it would take to start syphoning your power.”

  Something invisible wrapped itself around Simplin like a great, writhing snake.

  “Hold still a moment. This won’t hurt… much,” Rudy said as he bent down and waved a hand over the gleaming amulet. “Akeyway-akeyway, imetay orfay oodfay!” The amulet shot sparks and lightning out around Justice Rudy as it hummed and vibrated.

  “Now,” the voice in Simplin’s mind said.

  “Loreikus ethicus denouncicus!” Simplin shouted.

  A blindingly white light shot out from the amulet, stabbing the apex of the dome of darkness around them.

  “What have you done?!” Rudy cried. “What have you done?”

  The judge’s face started to get pulled into the amulet, an inch at a time, stretching and disfiguring the man terribly as his body was changed into something more malleable, as if made of some kind of goo. There was a great sucking sound, like a child slurping their soup, and then all of Justice Rudy was taken into the amulet. The artifact fell to the ground and then let out a disgusting belch before a green, ethereal tongue came out and licked the rim of the amulet.

  “Deeeeee-licious!” a strange, high pitched voice said from within the amulet.

  The invisible force around Simplin melted away and he was able to breathe easy once again.

  “Now what?” Simplin asked.

  “One moment,” the voice in his head said. There was movement in the air, almost undetectable at first, like heat rising from the ground in the desert, creating a wavy, translucent haze that moved toward the amulet. It floated down and coalesced on the artifact, and then the green amulet changed colors, becoming a very bright crimson color.

  A woman laughed from somewhere within the amulet. Then, in much the same fashion that Rudy had gone into the jewel, someone came out. The stretched body streamed upward, and then stood on the ground nearby.

  “Well, what do you think, Simplin the Wise?” the woman asked once she was fully formed.

  Simplin tried not to stare, but everything about her was so entrancing, he could hardly help himself. She had gorgeous, red locks flowing down past her shoulders, intense, blue eyes that made the deepest and clearest of ocean waters pale by comparison, and her figure was… absolutely perfect, accentuated by a long, form-fitting green gown that left Simplin speechless.

  “Careful, Simplin,” she cautioned. “You know what they say: stare too long at a ginger, and you’ll lose your soul.”

  “Huh?” Simplin shook himself. “Sorry, I was um… sorry!” Simplin quickly averted his eyes to the ground, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

  “I think I will like it here,” she said as she bent down to pick up the amulet.

  “How… how did you get here?” Simplin asked. “I mean, you came from another story right?”

  “Ah, well, that is an interesting tale. I can’t go into all of the details of course, but I can say that when you and that author of yours pulled you from this world to another, and left the documents open, there was a pathway created that allowed me to move about freely.”

  “Can all characters travel like that now?” Simplin asked.

  The woman shook her head. “No, not all, but those of us who are both powerful enough, and crafty enough, can certainly use the portals to travel to different stories. Why, you could perhaps even jump into a closed document now that there is a rift. But, as for me, I think I am going to like it here.” She slipped the amulet around her neck and stroked it softly while biting her lower lip. “Yes, this world will suit me just fine.”

  Simplin scratched the back of his head. “What are you going to do, with the workers inside I mean?” he asked.

  “Oh, don’t worry, I will take the spell off of the factory. They will be able to work without the building syphoning any more of their life essence.”

  “And the necklace?” Simplin asked.

  The woman winked. “Oh, this little thing, it’s harmless now.” She minced her way over to Simplin, accentuating her hips as she advanced.

  Simplin’s mind grew foggy. He tried to focus on what he wanted to say – something about destroying the amulet, or was it that he wanted the amulet? No, that wasn’t it. What was it? Her eyes. Her deep, blue eyes. Her smile, with her perfect, white teeth and her full, ruby-red lips. Simplin gulped as she put her arms around his neck.

  “Simplin, my dear, thank you for your help. Now, forget all about me, and go and help your friends. No need to ever think of me, the amulet, or this town again.” She inclined her head toward his and gave him a soft, long kiss. Simplin found himself melting into her, his own willpower gone.

  Then, there was a flash of lightning.

  Simplin found himself standing on a road, some four hundred yards away from the tall walls of a grand city with a great castle inside. He couldn’t remember how, or even when he had gotten here. He scratched his head, wondering where he was. As his fingers raked his scalp, he noticed his hat was missing.

  “Where’s my hat?” he asked himself. A cold, biting wind blew across his body, tightening his skin with a thousand goose-bumps. He looked down and saw nothing but a simple cape wrapped around his wais
t. “Where have I been, and exactly how much have I been drinking?”

  CHAPTER 11

  Jack turned off the faucet and looked down at the bath towel he had been forced to use after the toilet paper squares had been used up. “First thing when my hands are free; you’re going in the washer with a gallon of bleach!” Jack gave a perfunctory sniff of the air. His mouth opened and his stomach twisted. “No—not the laundry; straight to the garbage! Oh! I am never going to that restaurant again,” he swore. “Now let’s see if that little gutter-snipe made it out alive.

  He turned and left the bathroom, walking like a bow-legged cowboy due to the stinging burn of the hot sauce on his nether regions. Every step he took was like a fish being reeled in, for the magical cord retracted, and would not allow him to go back into the bathroom.

  “Little puke-face is probably still kicking then,” Jack said, noting that the spell would have died with Simplin if the wizard had perished. He turned and slowly sat down into his chair, sucking in a trepidatious breath as his tush took the pressure of his body weight and the stinging sensation momentarily intensified.

  “Never eating there again,” Jack repeated. He then looked down to the keyboard as his hands were pulled back to the keys. The cursor on his screen was flashing on the next chapter, and stick-figure Simplin was sitting cross-legged on the 3x5 card.

  “That took a looooong time,” Simplin said. “What was going on in there? I heard some strange noises…and howling…”

  “Bargain burritos,” Jack said, as if that would explain everything.

  Simplin shrugged. “I never actually use the bathroom,” he said. “I don’t think there has ever been a scene you wrote where I had to do it. But, if it’s like what I heard you doing, then do me a favor and never, ever, write a bathroom scene for me.”

  Jack sighed. “How did you fare?” he asked.

  “I got out,” Simplin said.

  “How?”

  “I don’t remember all the details,” Simplin said. “In fact, I don’t remember anything.”

  “Well, I could go back and read the last chapter. I’m sure the computer took note of everything you did.”

  “Nah,” Simplin said with a wave. “I can see that the bathroom thing took a lot out of you…” Simplin stopped and a smile stretched across his face. “No pun intended—ha!”

  “Let’s just move on, all right?” Jack said in a huff. “Let’s get this over with!”

  Simplin jumped up and pointed to the screen. “Very well, then I should—” Simplin stopped and put his hands over his face. “OOF! What is that smell?”

  “I was going to close the door, but someone has me tied to the keyboard,” Jack said.

  Simplin waved his hands as his stick-figure face filled with a shade of green. “No worries, I’ll just jump back in there, and then I won’t be able to smell it.”

  “Oh thanks, just leave me out here with it.”

  Simplin leapt toward the screen, and disappeared in a flash.

  Just wait, Simplin, I’ll get you back!

  Having conjured a fresh set of clothes while waiting for the story to resume, Simplin started to walk toward town. It wasn’t long before he heard the unmistakable sound of a large wagon lumbering through the Lickedintime mists. For a moment, he wondered whether to move off the road and hide himself in the gathering fog of the early evening, but in the end decided to hold his course and see what would come. When the wagon drew close enough to be visible, Simplin was surprised to see a beautiful elf woman in the driver’s seat who looked very much like Liriel. She saw Simplin and pulled up on the reins before reaching down and pulling up a lever of some sort that made a bunch of clicking noises and was marked “E-Brake” across the side in big red letters.

  “Simplin the Wise?” she asked.

  Simplin nodded. “And who might you be?”

  She thumbed at the back. “I ran into a couple of your friends. They said you might be on your way to find them.”

  Suddenly someone threw back a blanket covering a pair of barrels and up popped the heads of Mulligan and Lucas.

  “Hey, Simplin,” Mulligan called out.

  “How did you get out?” Simplin asked.

  “Hop in, and I’ll tell you when we get to a stopping point,” the elf said. “The name is Arethel, and I take it that you all need to find the sword in the stone, and I know where to go.”

  “How do you know about that?” Simplin asked. “I only found out about that because I had the notes.”

  “She knows a lot of things,” Lucas said. “Just, get in, she’s a friend.”

  Simplin hopped in and Arethel released the e-brake before tapping the horses with the reins. They rode for about twenty miles, and then one of the four wheels got a flat, which is bad enough in a modern car, but is absolutely horrendous when it’s a wooden carriage wheel. Unimaginably bumpy.

  The group stopped, and packed their things into backpacks since there was no way to repair the damaged tire. They walked until they had safely outside the borders of Lickedintime, and the mists had cleared. By then, it was well after dark, and then they stopped and made camp. Mulligan gathered wood for the fire and Simplin was quick to light it with his magic. Then, after they had all eaten, he looked around the group expectantly.

  “So, is someone going to let me in on what happened, or not?” Simplin asked.

  “All right, I will tell you how I rescued them,” Arethel said with an obliging nod.

  Mulligan tossed a log onto the fire and then turned to leave camp and take first watch. Lucas, on the other hand, snuggled down into his bedroll and turned away from the fire, snoring softly within seconds.

  Arethel smiled and turned to Simplin. “I heard that these two had been taken prisoner under false charges.”

  “How did you hear that?” Simplin asked.

  Arethel shrugged. “I run in dark circles. We know things, you know, shadow networks and all that.”

  “Seems convenient,” Simplin said. “But, do go on, please.”

  “Anyway, they locked Mulligan up in a cage in the center of town. I had a friend go and work on that while I went for Lucas here,” she said with a nod to the sleeping epic farm boy.

  “But why?” Simplin asked.

  “Because, Liriel was my sister, and I heard that Lucas was her betrothed.”

  “Wait, what? How could you possibly have heard about that?”

  “Oh, well, Dr. What and Liriel stopped by the other day and she told me all about how she had met someone, and once she was done having her own adventures, she would come back and settle down with him, it was suuuuper sweet. I mean, it was totes Mcsweets!”

  “It was what now?” Simplin asked.

  Arethel puffed air and shook her head. “It just means that it was a romantic story, okay? You know, love at first sight and all that, which is not to be confused with lust at first sight. I mean, this was true love, you know, that world-shattering, time-bending kind of love.”

  “Please do get back to the part about you actually rescuing Lucas,” Simplin suggested.

  “Right, so, I heard that Lucas was helping Mulligan find the Ten-Fingered Man so that Mulligan would then give Lucas a resurrection potion that would bring Liriel back from the dead, and then they could marry and live happily ever after, so—”

  “Who is your informant?” Simplin asked. “I mean, is there anything they didn’t tell you?”

  Arethel giggled and shrugged. “I even know about the strawberry-shaped birthmark on Lucas’ left buttock—Liriel told me that one!”

  Simplin threw a judgmental scowl skyward. Then he motioned for Arethel to continue.

  “Okay, so, like, the castle was silent and dark, the torches on the battlement having just been doused by the guards. Fortunately for me, the moon was full, giving me a better view of what I had to do.”

  “Wait,” Simplin interjected. “If it was nighttime, why did the guards put out the lights? Don’t they need those until morning?”

  Are
thel shrugged. “I dunno, they just did. Now shush.”

  “Sor-ry,” Simplin said.

  “I don’t need your ‘tude, mister, okay? I rescued your friends while you were out frolicking the countryside.”

  “I was being tortured and then put to work in a labor camp actually,” Simplin said, suddenly recalling what had happened to him. His eyes shot open wide at the sudden recollection. He glanced upward, afraid that Jack might catch on to his memory and discover the new passageways that connected other stories in the computer. Quickly, Simplin used a spell to lock a portion of his mind off from the author, tucking away his newly recalled memories in case he needed them.

  Simplin shook his head and narrowed his eyes on the campfire. “That was weird,” he said.

  “Anyway, like I was saying,” Arethel began again. “A brisk wind tickled my face and I drew my tunic more snugly about myself. Staying hidden would be a bit more of a challenge with the snow, of course, as the moon light bounced off of it clearly.

  “Snow?” Simplin asked. “It’s the middle of the summer right now.”

  “This is the way I’m telling it, okay! No more interruptions!”

  Simplin sighed and leaned forward, jabbing his elbow onto his knee and resting his check on his fist. “As you were,” he said.

  “So, as I realized how much light the snow was reflecting, I again thanked the stars that I had blonde hair, which would blend into the snow more easily.”

  Simplin rolled his eyes at her logic, but kept his silence.

  “After walking around, like, the entire castle twice, I had finally found the entrance that Kert had been talking about. The door was well hidden on the west side of the castle. Its faint outline was barely discernable through the ivy that creeped over it. I was surprised that the king would want criminals so close to his home, but I supposed he had, like, to keep a personal eye on a prisoner so important.”

  “The king?” Simplin cut in.

  “King Nunya,” Arethel replied with a confused look. “King Nunya Beezwax rules the most powerful kingdom in all the ten realms! Everyone knows that.”