I will clean your car.
I will spend an evening with your supermarket work friends (I shuddered when I wrote that one).
A visit to anywhere you want to go (in this country).
I will cook a meal for us (and maybe Saul and Soph can come too) - I hate cooking.
One call with this voucher and I’ll come to you. No matter what.
I was worried.
Her gran had given her a trip practically around the world. She must’ve used her life savings on it. Pea had talked non-stop since we were kids about going travelling. Not in hostels you understand, Pea wouldn’t survive three minutes without all the mod-cons. So everywhere she was going had been meticulously booked and carefully arranged by her gran, and she was always staying in hotels or apartments. I still had a year with her as she was due to go around her twentieth birthday. I wasn’t happy. I never told Pea that. How could I? I mean what an amazing gift, and I didn’t want her to miss out. I wanted her to experience all that. I’d just hoped that one day, when she set off, I’d be with her. Taking these steps together, experiencing them as one.
Even though it’d only been a short time since her birthday, I’d already cleaned her car and cooked a meal for Pea, Saul, Soph and myself. Next week I had to face a night with her co-workers at the supermarket. I hated spending time with them. The four women were always all over me, suggesting things when Pea wasn’t looking and it creeped me out. Especially that Tina, who must’ve been the same age as my mum. Then there was Nick, he was a slime and a dick, and where the women were all over me it was very obvious where Nick’s attention was… on my girl. I wanted to knock him into next Sunday. I’d told Pea, but she always said that she needed that job and that she’d been handling him for the past eighteen months, so there was no point. I knew she was right. Still, it didn’t stop me wanting to punch him. A lot.
There was only one person I liked... Mike. He was friendly, but not in the same way as the women. I didn’t feel like he might turn into a stalker. Tina, on the other hand, I wasn’t so sure about.
Mike was down to earth, he had a boyfriend who I’d only met once, but I liked him too, and most importantly, it was obvious he loved Pea to bits and always looked out for her. Suffice to say nights out with Pea’s workmates, with me in tow, were very rare indeed. Still I had made a promise.
Now she was cashing in the visit to anywhere she wanted to go. It was a karaoke bar that I’d been avoiding since Pea had mentioned it. Now there was no getting out of it. We’d been texting for the last twenty minutes. Her demanding that we go, and me trying to think of a reason not to. I was wary. I didn’t want to sing, and I’d heard that sometimes, in those places, the person running the Karaoke would pick people at random and make them sing or embarrass them in front of everyone until they sung or run out the bar. I didn’t want to be that person. Pea had assured me this bar wasn’t like that, but how could she know?
Pea was determined to go to this place and I really didn’t want to, but I’d said a visit to anywhere she’d wanted to go, so I couldn’t renege.
I looked at my phone.
Me: Ok what time?
Pea: In half an hour.
Shit! I looked down at my joggers and vest. I’d just finished a kickboxing class followed by the gym. I was sweaty, smelly and needed to be somewhere to meet my girl in thirty minutes and it takes fifteen minutes to drive.
I ran up the stairs and had the quickest shower of my life, dressed in my jeans, boots and T-shirt. Grabbed my stuff and ran out the front door. I decided to get the bus and a cab home. When I got there I was ten minutes late. I looked all around the bar, getting stares from the crowd. I was right. This place was full of old and lonely people. Everyone was older than thirty-five or had aged badly. There were even some people just sitting on their own. I walked around until I started feeling slightly uncomfortable. I decided to grab a drink at the bar and waited for Pea. Maybe she was late. As I drank my beer I looked around and felt better that nobody was staring at me anymore because I was able to relax. I listened and took in that song by Evanescence – ‘Bring Me To Life,’ a kickass song that I wouldn’t have expected. Not only that, but whoever was singing sounded good, and it surprised me.
I looked toward the stage, but couldn’t make out much. They had smoke machines and lights trying to blind everyone. I moved forward through the tables. Not noticing anyone now, it was all about that voice, that song. As I reached the front I realised there was a guy standing slightly back singing the male parts, although not nearly as well as the original or the female voice. I got about four people deep before I realised that this place did have a crowd, and they were younger people around my age. It was just that none of them chose to sit at the tables, using the floor instead as a kind of mosh pit. The shouting and cheering was loud. So loud, I was sure people outside could hear.
As the smoke cleared and the lights came up, the guy who seemed to be running the show, who also happened to be the guy that was just singing the male lead said, “Now everyone that’s a treat we don’t get every day. Give it up for our very own Pearson!”
I stood, stock still. Like someone had glued me in place. I watched as Pearson walked down the steps at the side of the stage, to applause and pats on the back, to suggestive looks and obvious chat-up lines, which she brushed off politely, and made her way through the crowd to me. I didn’t know how to feel. Part of me was amazed and awed. I knew my girl could sing but that was something else. Her voice was so beautiful, in fact, that it touched something inside me, and obviously inside others. But I also had another part telling me she had kept the fact that she came here to sing from me, and I didn’t know why. She hadn’t shared this, and while her life was obviously her own, we had been together for three years and had known each other since we were kids. These people at this place obviously knew her, they called her their very own.
Why did she hide this? I felt an unease slide over me.
“Hey baby,” she panted as she got closer to me. God she was beautiful.
“Hey precious,” I smiled down at her.
“You’re late,” she pouts.
“Sorry, but you didn’t give me much time and I’d just had a workout.”
“That’s okay, I only decided to use my voucher to get you here at the last minute.”
“About that,” I say and try to think of my next words carefully so I don’t upset her. “You never told me you sing here? I mean, not like that… up there.” I gesture to the stage. “It seems like this is something you’ve been doing for a while?” I wait for her to answer and try to hide my hurt. I don’t want to make her feel bad for something she obviously loves.
“I’m sorry, Con. It all just happened. It’s really because of you.” She twiddles with her fingers and I waited patiently for her to continue, “A few months ago you said we should all do stuff we want to, especially stuff that scares us, as we only live once.” I think about what she said, and remember having a conversation about the fact that I wanted to learn acoustic guitar but was scared of being rubbish and looking like an idiot. However, I had said that everyone needs to try, and I’d gone to lessons and was now coming on nicely. Although I still had a way to go before I could play without looking at the strings.
“I remember, babe, but why didn’t you talk to me?”
She frowns before she continues, “I didn’t plan it, Con. I wanted to sing and I haven’t done it since school, but I wanted to do it somewhere where nobody knew me. I couldn’t afford a singing teacher, so I came here, knowing it was a quiet place that nobody came to. Of course, I only come in on weeknights usually, as it’s almost dead in here then,” she stops and looks around at the bar. “Who knew?” She looks up at me waiting for my response.
“Who knew what?” I asked confused.
“Who knew that I could sing? That I wouldn’t be booed off stage?” she replied and my heart broke a little realising that this had taken a lot for her. Both to get up there in the first place as well as t
o bring me into her safe domain.
“I would’ve told you, precious.” Her eyes widened.
“You think I can sing?” she asked.
“Babe, you always sing… like all the time. You probably don’t even realise you’re doing it. You hum as you’re cleaning, and sing when we’re in the car, walking round the shops, everywhere, and babe you can sing your arse off. You always have been able to. Your voice is beautiful. You’re beautiful.”
She beams up at me, as she shares an important part of herself.
Of course, we told the others, and we used to visit that bar at least once a week to listen to her sing. It closed down about five years ago. It’s a launderette now.
Libby, bringing me back to the present, looks at me and sighs loudly. “It’s fine, Conner. We kissed a bit after I met you in the elevator, but you mumbled…” she looks at me searching for something, “a lot,” she adds and I guess she’s waiting for a reaction.
“Okay,” I nod.
“Yeah, I guess there’s nothing left in someone to give when they can’t move on from their previous love,” she states and it’s like a nail in the coffin.
“What does that mean?” I ask.
“We kissed Conner. Nothing more. But the whole time you kept mumbling about Pea. I thought you were talking about vegetables, but then I realised when you said you’ve always loved me and how were you supposed to be free when I soak through your pores, and I’m like the blood running through your veins. Then you called me Pea again and passed out. I took most of your clothes off and made you comfortable.” She looks uncomfortable herself now and hops from one leg to the other. “I was worried because I didn’t know what kind of a drinker you were so I stayed on the sofa.” She points to the sofa in the corner of my bedroom. “I guess I was still hoping something could happen between us. Then the phone call came and I realised it wasn’t going to happen.”
“Phone call?” I ask.
“Yeah, a few hours ago, your phone rang. It woke me up. You were still snoring your head off. Anyway, I grabbed your phone and it had the name Pea displayed. I guess that was her, huh?”
“What? The phone… what?” I stutter like a complete bellend.
“Your phone rang and I answered it, but she hung up without speaking. I guess she thought I was some, one-nighter. I would’ve explained if she’d have hung on the call. Too bad,” she pauses for a moment, probably waiting for a reaction, but I have nothing.
“I’m gonna go. I’ll see myself out. Hopefully I’ll see you around Conner and we can be friends?” she ends that statement as a question, but I’m still frozen, so she pads out of the apartment.
Fuck! Now what do I do?
I decide to have a bubble bath. I love my shower though. It’s probably my favourite place in the whole house, but tonight I need a bath. I’ve been looking at the time all day. It’s 8:00 p.m. now, so around 1:00 p.m. in New York. He hasn’t called or texted me. It’s probably for the best. He wants to be left alone.
I’m so selfish. I can’t let him go. Let him be free and away from me. I had my chance, time and time again, and yet because of circumstance I didn’t take them.
Last time I was embarrassed. My pride was hurt. I let him inside me again only to realise it was a mistake. When I realised how little he thought of ‘us’ to go on a date the morning after.
I’d thought it might be the start of something new, he obviously didn’t. When I realised that’s not what he thought, I took another step away and put another layer of tape around my heart. I licked my wounds and was then hurt again, in a totally different way. A way that made me question whether I was a magnet for bad luck. I’d never been one to believe in bad luck. I was much more of the opinion that you could make your own luck. However, after this last year I’m starting to think it begins and ends with me.
Feeling sorry for myself isn’t an option anymore. I need to find my ladyballs. I decide while I’m lying in the bath I’ll give Dane a call. See ladyballs, I do have them.
On the second ring Dane answers, “Hello sunshine, this is unexpected.” I smile and realise he can’t see me, thankfully seeing as I’m naked in my bath.
“Dane, I thought I’d beat you to it.”
He chuckles. “Yeah, that’s probably a good thing as I’ve been tied up all day, and then I came home and had some work related e-mails to attend to. I probably would’ve drowned in them and missed calling you. Thanks for pulling me back into reality.”
“What was up earlier?” I question, knowing that it’s not really any of my business. However Dane has been nothing if not forward when asking me things, so I guess it swings both ways.
“Erm… nothing much, just bits and pieces.”
Okay, maybe not.
“Okay Dane, well I’m in the bath and I’m getting wrinkly, so I need to get out. See you tomorrow?”
He must hear the unease in my voice as he asks, “Pea, what’s wrong?”
So then I snap. It’s only a little thing, but it’s just the proverbial straw, and unfortunately Dane gets the brunt of my many, many straws.
“No Dane! You don’t get to ask me what’s wrong when you’re being so cagey. What is that about?” I take a few deep breaths to stop myself from saying something I’ll regret and realise this is me being a bit overdramatic. Although, my feelings are understandable.
I still remember when we went out for that meal and he told me he’d known Soph for years and had asked about me, telling me there are reasons for everything, but that he didn’t want to lay his life story out there. I gave him that play, I didn’t push. But he keeps asking me things and expecting answers. This isn’t supposed to be a one-sided relationship, but it seems to be just that.
“Pea.”
Him saying my name is almost like a plea. My heart goes out to him for a minute and I feel whatever pain he seems to be holding onto. He never shows vulnerability. He’s always the hero, so it’s a bit of a shock. Even though it’s only on the phone.
I realise this phone conversation has gone from light-hearted and fun to deep in almost the blink of an eye. I can’t do this in the bath, on the phone. Before I realise what I’m doing I click the phone off and end the call.
I stare at the phone for a minute and then silence it, then throw it into the laundry basket. I get out of the bath, wrap myself in one of my giant bath sheets that I’m so glad I splashed out on. I’ve had it sitting on the towel rail, and now it’s warm and fluffy and like being wrapped in a hug, away from the world and impenetrable.
I wander into my bedroom and sit at my dressing table. I stare into the mirror and look at myself. What I see astounds me.
I see someone weak looking right back at me.
When did I become so weak?
When did I let myself be taken over by this scared little girl? I was never her before. I was always quiet, always stood in the background and let things happen around me, not wanting to be in the centre of anything, but it was never because I was shy. It wasn’t because I was scared to be me. It was only, that where I chose to live, between Con, Soph and Saul, I was always the onlooker. I was happy with that, watching everyone else. I was still involved with them and if I’m being honest, me being quiet did not equate to me being meek. Therefore, I was always happy to speak my piece and tell the three of them when they fucked up.
I know I’ve had a run of bad shit happen, but I’ve allowed myself to wallow and to use that stuff to feel sorry for myself. The others have let me too. It’s not their fault. They treat me like I’m precious, because that’s exactly how I act.
“Fuck!” I scream.
I’m pissed… at me… at what I’ve become. A Ghost. A weak pathetic, helpless, hollow being. Suddenly I feel calm wash over me. I realise this has been coming for the last few weeks. I’ve been waking up every day and it’s like I’ve been stuck in a dream.
This is where it ends.
I need to get myself back together.
I smile at me. The new me. The one who’s
going to live… not just survive.
A knock at the door makes me jump. I glance at the clock and realise it’s almost 9.15 p.m. I’m also very aware that I still only have a towel wrapped around me.
Fuck it! They can wait or piss off. I take one more look at myself in the mirror and smile again.
“Welcome back,” I say to my reflection. If my gran could see me now, she’d think I’ve finally lost the plot.
I grab my joggers and a sweat top. With a towel still wrapped around my head, I walk to the front door and look through the peephole.
Dane.
I sigh and rest my forehead against the door.
“Come on, Pea, I know you’re there. Let me in. Just let me talk.”
I open the door and I can see Dane is shocked. He probably thought I’d leave him out there, or that it would take more before I’d let him in.
“Coffee?” I question, and before he answers I turn around and make my way to the kitchen. I can hear him come in behind me.
“Pea?”
I ignore him and get a mug down from the cupboard. I fill the kettle with water and busy myself with prepping his coffee like it’s the most important thing in the world. I turn to face him once I’ve finished.
“Come and sit in the lounge,” I say.
I walk into the lounge room and take a seat on the sofa. He sits in the armchair opposite me and puts his coffee on the table next to him.
“Dane, I want to apologise—” I start, but he interrupts me.
“Don’t,” he says and I can hear he’s pissed. “I came here tonight to apologise. I know things must seem strange or at the very least slightly off, that’s on me…” he pauses and I stay quiet, “I haven’t laid my life out for you, and I know I’ve asked you things when I’ve probably seemed closed off to you. I’m sorry, okay?” he sighs, hangs his head and whispers, “I’m sorry.”
Love Reflection (Entwined Hearts Series Book 1) Page 10
