by Joanne Rock
It was good she cared about his nephew.
And yes, James was grateful that she cared about him, too.
But if she was already this attached to the boy, would Lydia understand if James followed through on his resolution to let Teddy’s grandparents raise him?
He had a week before the New Year’s Eve Ball when the Masons arrived in town to watch Teddy for the night. He hoped it would be enough time for him to find a way to tell her that if things went well with the Masons, he wouldn’t need a nanny anymore.
Eleven
Christmas Day got off to a fitful start.
Lydia hoped Teddy was just teething, but he remained grumpy and unimpressed by the holidays. He’d made grouchy sounds off and on while he played with a toy train, gripping it tightly in his hand as he pushed it around and around the floor.
She hoped it was just the toddler’s irritability that made the day feel awkward. At noontime, over brunch fare in the large, eat-in kitchen, she traced an idle finger over the natural wood grain in the Texas ebony slab polished into a tabletop. Yet she returned her gaze to James again and again, wondering if something had shifted between them the day before.
James had participated fully in the cooking and preparations for the meal, but as she halfheartedly nibbled a bite of her French toast, she tried to pinpoint when things had begun to feel strained. His words about his own Christmases—that his nannies hadn’t participated in the holidays—had made her wonder if she’d overstepped his expectations for her role here.
She’d always been very involved with her charges, imagining a child would thrive with that warmth of connection to a caregiver. She’d received a degree in early childhood development, patching together enough online coursework for her bachelor’s over the years. But her real source of knowledge about child care came from her years in Arkansas, helping to raise her brothers and sisters. But had she brought too much of her own experience with her siblings into her nannying? Too much familiarity?
Then again, maybe James’s own background skewed his perception of her role here. He’d lost his mother early and hadn’t been close with his caregivers. He had loved and married a woman who hadn’t wanted children, after all. A fact she’d never asked him about.
Maybe it was past time she did. Because she adored children and had crafted a profession around them. One day, she dreamed of a family of her own.
Shoving aside her half-eaten plate, she sipped her sparkling water with orange and debated how to be tactful.
The doorbell’s resonant chime interrupted her thoughts.
James frowned, setting down his fork. “I wasn’t expecting anyone.”
Teddy piped up from his high chair where he spun the wheels on his toy train. “Hel-lo?” he asked, his brown eyes turning to Lydia. “Hello?” He opened and closed his hand in a baby wave.
Her heart melted to see him make that connection, his eyes wide with curiosity as he watched James leave the room to answer the door. The small moment made her more certain of herself and the way she did her job. Forming a bond with children she cared for was only natural. Even if she didn’t have strong feelings for James, his nephew would hold a piece of her heart.
“Do you want to say hello?” she asked him, getting to her feet. “We can go see who’s here.”
“Who. Here.” He banged his train on the tray of the high chair. “Here. Here. Here.”
Lydia unbuckled Teddy’s safety belt and lifted him. He hadn’t eaten anything besides a few pieces of dry cereal, so he was clean enough. She settled him on her hip, straightening his navy blue reindeer sweater before striding toward the living area.
“Merry Christmas!” a feminine voice trilled from the front room as James opened the door for their guest.
Lydia’s sister Gail breezed right into the house, dressed in a poinsettia-printed skirt and fuzzy red sweater. Tanned and sporting fresh caramel-colored highlights in her dark brown hair, Gail wore leather boots that appeared brand-new. Worst of all? The woman who owed a hundred thousand dollars to James came with her arms full of lavishly wrapped Christmas presents.
James appeared too surprised to return her greeting. Then again, maybe he didn’t even remember what she looked like since the bachelor auction had been a month ago.
“James.” Lydia cleared her throat and hurried closer, mortified that her sister would think it was okay to come by unannounced on Christmas, waltzing into James’s house like a conquering hero, when she’d ignored his calls and the messages from the Pancreatic Cancer Research Foundation. “You remember my sister Gail?”
“Of course.” Stepping forward, he recovered himself quickly. “Let me help you with those.”
“Thank you!” Gail gushed, handing over the stack of boxes and a shopping bag to James. “I don’t think we had the chance to speak at the charity event. You were a wonderful MC for the auction.”
Gail’s hazel eyes were bright and clear, her gaze direct as she strode deeper into the living area. As if she had absolutely no conscience about what she’d done. In that moment, with her sunny smile and perfectly primped brown curls, she bore a striking resemblance to their mother. Even her voice, relentlessly upbeat as if she could deliver a House Rules podcast at any moment, reminded Lydia of Fiona Walker.
Or maybe it was simply that, no matter how much Lydia had tried to teach her siblings about hard work and practical values, Gail preferred the laissez-faire approach to life. Both Fiona and Gail were determined that things would “work themselves out.” Even astronomical bids for bachelors with money you didn’t have.
Incensed, Lydia couldn’t seem to make her feet move from where she stood in Gail’s way, blocking her from the living area where James was putting the packages under the Christmas tree.
“He wasn’t just the MC, Gail.” Lydia hadn’t planned to confront her sister. But the realization that Gail had turned out exactly like their mother rattled Lydia to her core. Why did she keep trying to fix her family’s messes when they let her down time and time again? “As the president of the Texas Cattleman’s Club, James was also the main liaison for the charity when they hosted the bachelor auction.”
“Is that right?” Gail stopped her forward momentum, her smile faltering only for a moment. “How nice. Mom told me you were working here now, so I hoped we could spend some family time together. It is Christmas.”
Teddy bounced in Lydia’s arms, ready to be put down.
James moved closer, reaching for his nephew. “I can take him so you two can visit.”
She handed over the child, anger at her sister building as she kept her focus on Gail. “Do you know why I’m working here now?”
James palmed her lower back, speaking to her quietly. “Lydia, there’s no need to go into that just yet.”
She disagreed. Because if Gail was audacious enough to stride in here and play the benevolent sister while Lydia worked to repay Gail’s debt, a conversation was warranted.
Gail’s expression shifted to something that looked like concern. “I’ve always known how much you enjoy children, Lydia. You have since we were little girls playing with baby dolls.”
“Ba-by?” Teddy asked, bouncing excitedly in James’s arms.
Lydia tensed, realizing her sister’s view of their shared past was too far from her own to ever be reconciled.
“No, Gail.” She dragged in a deep breath to cool down the fiery frustration. “I’m working here to help repay James, who covered your outrageous bid at the bachelor auction.”
“Ba-by! Ba-by!” Teddy shouted, wriggling so hard that James had to let him down to run around the Christmas tree, his light-up sneakers flashing red and blue.
She guessed James was probably glad for the chance to escape the confrontation as he chased Teddy. Lydia hadn’t meant to put him in the middle of this. Then again, she hadn’t expected her sister to arrive on Christmas Day, pretending
nothing had happened.
“Why would you do that?” Gail studied her, shaking her head. She spared a glance for James, who’d moved to the far side of the room where Teddy had tried to hide behind a chair.
“Why?” Exasperated, Lydia paced in a circle. “Because it’s the right thing to do. Because I don’t want our name attached to bad debts while we’re trying to get new businesses off the ground. This is a small town. Word gets around.”
“But I didn’t ask for help. And I told you I’d figure things out after vacation.” Gail squeezed her arm. “I can tell this is a bad time. I should have known you don’t like spontaneous visits.”
An old dig. Her mother had always thought that the reason Lydia didn’t like impulsive family outings was because she couldn’t be “spontaneous.” When the truth was she simply preferred to have sunscreen packed so the kids didn’t end up with third-degree burns from a day at the beach. Or she liked having swimming vests for the little ones since there were too many of them to keep an eye on in the water.
But Fiona—and apparently Gail—preferred to think Lydia was just no fun. Overly cautious. Turning on the heel of her new leather boots, Gail headed for the door. The movement shook Lydia from her thoughts.
“So you’re leaving again? Without figuring out anything?” Lydia followed her sister toward the foyer, feeling as frustrated as Teddy had this morning. It was a good thing she wasn’t carrying around a toy train or she would have been tempted to throw it the way the toddler had during the gift-opening.
What was it about family that could catapult a person right back to childhood dynamics?
“Why should I try to figure it out?” Gail asked over her shoulder, her hand on the big brass handle. “You’d only do a better job of it than I would anyhow.” She lifted a hand to her mouth as she called back to the living area, “Merry Christmas, James!”
Lydia felt the steam hiss slowly from her ears. “Gail, we need to talk.”
“You should ask James to take you to the New Year’s Eve Ball at the Texas Cattleman’s Club. Lloyd and I will be there.” Gail grinned again, her happiness irrepressible in the face of everything. “I’m over the moon about him.”
And then Gail was gone. Sauntering off to her compact car decorated with a wreath on the grill.
Something about the vehicle, her sister’s joy, even her “spontaneity,” made Lydia feel like Scrooge by comparison.
“Are you all right?” James’s voice over her shoulder made her realize she’d been standing at the closed door for too long.
She hadn’t even heard him approach.
Pivoting to face him while he held Teddy, Lydia felt her chest squeeze with a mixture of fierce attraction and soul-deep affection. She’d come to care for him so much. So fast.
I’m over the moon about him.
Gail’s comment circled around Lydia’s brain, the only words her sister had spoken today that Lydia could identify with. She knew the feeling all too well. Because she felt it for the generous, hardworking man standing in front of her.
She was over the moon for James Harris. And just as quickly as Gail had plunged into her own whirlwind relationship.
The idea of sharing something in common with her impulsive sister triggered a flicker of anxiety in her chest.
“I’m—not sure.” She wanted to step into the warmth and comfort of his arms. But given that she’d known James for an even shorter length of time than Gail had known Lloyd Richardson, did that make Lydia’s feeling imprudent? Unwise? “I mean, I’m upset. Obviously.”
She’d never had a panic attack before, but she wondered if this was how it started. She felt unsettled. Nervous. Fidgety. She swallowed fast and tried to catch her breath.
“Why don’t you come sit?” James juggled Teddy in his arms and gestured in the direction of the kitchen. “We can finish our brunch. Talk.”
That sounded reasonable. Because James was a reasonable, rational person, like her. She clung to the idea with both hands as she followed him toward the kitchen. At least she hadn’t bid money she didn’t have to win a date with him.
No, she only started an affair with her employer. Which, for all of her mother’s hasty relationships, even Fiona had never done.
“Do you think we jumped into things too quickly?” Lydia asked as James carefully settled Teddy in his high chair.
“I think quickly is subjective.” He seemed to choose the words carefully.
“You’re right.” She appreciated his thoughtful response.
Some of the worry in her chest eased. James was a good man, and just because she’d developed strong feelings for him didn’t mean she was turning into her mother.
She hoped.
“Can I warm up your plate?” he asked, his hand resting on her shoulder for a moment. “Or get you something else to eat?”
His touch settled her and stirred her at the same time. But she resisted the urge to tip her head against his forearm and soak in the comfort of his presence.
“No, thank you.” She returned to her seat at the long table, hoping they could address some of the things that had troubled her earlier. “I’ll just have some fruit.”
She appreciated the distraction of Teddy banging his train on the high chair tray while she spooned a few pieces of fruit into a serving bowl.
“I thought I heard your sister mention the New Year’s Eve Ball.” James helped himself to more orange juice from a glass pitcher.
“She’ll be attending with Lloyd,” she confirmed, wishing they could rewind time. Somehow find more even footing again. “I hope that’s not too awkward.”
“Of course not.” He sounded sincere. “Lydia, I made the donation because handling it that way was easiest for me. I’m not worried about anyone repaying the debt.”
He’d told her that before. All along, he’d been willing to forgive the debt and simply pay her to be Teddy’s nanny.
“That’s very generous of you.”
“It also served my best interests since I was drowning in my grief and obligations, feeling like I was failing on all fronts.” He took her hand in his. Stroked his thumb along her knuckles. “I am so grateful to you for getting me through these last few weeks, Lydia. But it’s still my hope that Teddy’s maternal grandparents will welcome him into their home and be able to give him all the time and attention he needs.”
The gentle caress of his thumb was at odds with the discordant crash of his words through her.
“You still plan to give him up?” She couldn’t have possibly heard him correctly.
“The Masons are driving down from Amarillo to watch Teddy on New Year’s Eve so we can attend the ball,” he explained. “If things go well that night, we can start discussing how to make the transition—”
“You don’t want him.” She wrenched her hand from his as the harsh truth smashed through her romantic hopes and the tender feelings she’d developed for James. “You never wanted children in the first place.”
“That’s not true.” He sat back in his chair, the space between them feeling five times bigger than the physical distance. “I will keep Teddy if things don’t work out with the Masons.”
“Even though your brother wanted you to raise him, you’re still considering giving him up?” Hurt and anger propelled the question from her even though it was a low blow. That she wasn’t being fair.
But how was he being fair to Teddy, who’d so clearly bonded with James? The child had already suffered a devastating loss with the death of his parents. How would he cope with more feelings of abandonment?
James held himself very still. Calm and controlled in the face of her anger. “You of all people should understand that our siblings don’t always know what’s best.”
Begrudgingly, she nodded, acknowledging the point even if she didn’t like it. “You’re right. But I’d like to ask you one more thing. Ju
st so I understand you better.”
She had to put a lid on her feelings for him. To stop them from evolving even further. Because she had been starting to love this man.
That was the only explanation for how she could be hurting so much right now.
“I’m listening.” He studied her, but his gaze was shuttered, revealing nothing of his own feelings.
Making her realize how much he’d let her in over the last weeks. How much he’d shared with her. It made losing that emotional intimacy hurt even more.
But there was no going back now. No ignoring this question that she kept returning to about him.
“When we spoke about your ex-wife,” she began, twisting a cloth napkin in her lap, the linen hopelessly crumpled, “you said she didn’t want children.” The question was highly personal, and no doubt it revealed too much about what she felt for him. But it burned in her throat and she had to ask. “Did that mean—you didn’t want children either?”
His mouth flattened into a thin line. An answer all its own even before he spoke.
“I hadn’t given it much thought before Raelynn. And when she told me her wishes before the wedding...it wasn’t a deal breaker for me.”
She nodded awkwardly, her whole body feeling clumsy and strange. Maybe it was just because she didn’t know where to put the hurt she was feeling. For her. For him. For those stupid romantic hopes that weren’t ever going to amount to anything.
Because even if they were just in the early stages of a relationship, she couldn’t spend her time with someone who didn’t have the same kind of dreams she did for a future that would always include kids.
“I see.” She stood from the table, needing to escape the table. The man. “I’ll put Teddy down for his nap now.”
“Lydia.” James said her name with a tenderness she couldn’t bear, but he didn’t reach for her. Didn’t touch her. “I think we should talk about this more.”
“I can’t.” She’d been so judgmental of her mother and her sister. But their foolishness couldn’t compare to hers. “I’m—sorry.”
She had built her life around children. Her family. Her job. Her future. Of course she had fallen for a man who didn’t want them, at least not in the way she did. There was a kind of cosmic humor in it. Maybe she’d even laugh about it one day. Fifty years from now.
