Colters' Promise cl-4

by Maya Banks

  “I’m so sorry,” she said in agony. “You didn’t deserve this. Not this way.”

  “Lily,” Dillon began.

  She shut him out. For the first time she could ever remember, she purposely turned away, closing herself off from her husbands.

  She hurried toward the back, wanting—needing—fresh air. To be able to breathe around the huge knot in her throat. So that maybe she wouldn’t dissolve into tears or completely break down and lose what little composure she had left.

  The cold was a slap in the face, but it was what she needed. Her boots, haphazardly shoved onto her feet, were awkward as she trekked through the snow toward her bench.

  She really had no idea where she was going. Or she did, but knew it was no escape. She was so angry at herself for doing this to them.

  Of all the ways to tell them that they were going to have a son or daughter, this wasn’t one she’d wanted. They would forever associate their firstborn with their mother freaking out and being a selfish twit. Not exactly what she’d want to put into a scrapbook or memory book.

  She sank onto the bench and bowed her head, covering her face with her hands.

  Almost immediately, warm, strong hands slid over her shoulders. Seth and Michael settled onto the bench next to her while Dillon crouched in front of her. He gently pried her hands away from her face, his expression warm and loving.

  “I’m so sorry,” she choked out.

  “What for? For being human and being scared?” Dillon asked quietly. “Lily, you don’t have to put on a brave front with us. You don’t have to pretend.”

  Michael smoothed a hand over her hair and then leaned in to press a kiss to the top of her head. On her other side, Seth slid his hand over hers and laced their fingers together.

  “How do you feel about it?” Seth asked softly.

  “Scared,” she admitted. It felt good to say it out loud. To get it out there. “It caught me off guard. I wasn’t prepared and so when I learned that I was for sure pregnant, all the grief over Rose just came back. All the old fears. For a while I was back there in that time, feeling just as I felt then. Exhausted, helpless, alone. Oh God, I don’t want to ever feel that way again.”

  Michael pulled her back into his arms and she laid her head back against his chest while Seth still held tightly to her hand. “I’m sorry, Lily. We were so careful, or we tried to be. You have to know we wouldn’t have you feel this way for anything in the world. We just want you to be happy, and if that meant never having a child, we were okay with that.”

  She appreciated the sentiment, but she was beyond the what-ifs now. She didn’t have the luxury of imagining or weighing whether she ever wanted to have another child or not. It was here. Her reality. She was pregnant, and she’d never ever do anything to change that fact.

  “I want this baby,” she said quietly, fiercely. “I’m scared out of my mind, but I want it. I love him or her already.”

  A shiver stole over her. Dillon peeled off his coat and arranged it around her body so she would have it and Michael’s body for warmth.

  Seth raised the hand he still held and kissed her palm and then each finger. “We’ll be here for you, Lily. I need you to trust in that. We’ll never let you down. No one will ever be more loved than you and that baby.”

  Her heart melted and some of the awful fear that had held her captive for so long loosened and slipped away.

  “I know. I do trust you. I love you all so very much. I just need some time. To adjust. I’m so sorry I ruined the moment. It should have been special.”

  Dillon put a finger over her lips. “You are what’s special to us. It’s going to be different this time, Lily. I swear it.”

  She glanced at the faces of her husbands, at the earnest determination in their eyes. Saw the love—love for her—reflected in their depths.

  Yes, it would be different this time, and she had faith—in them, and in herself—that this time her miracle wouldn’t slip away.

  CHAPTER

  9

  ADAM Colter watched as his wife, Holly, decorated the huge family Christmas tree with Ethan and Ryan hovering to make sure she didn’t fall off the ladder.

  It’s not that they wouldn’t have been more than happy to decorate while she oversaw the project, but Holly was determined that she hang every ornament and exclaim over each one as she did so. Every single one reflected a memory for the Colter family through the years, and each Christmas the tree grew heavier with those collected memories.

  Maybe it was his age, but he seemed to grow more nostalgic with each passing year. He’d watched his children grow up under this very roof. He and his brothers had watched their wife blossom under their love and protective umbrella, and in return she’d given them something so infinitely precious that they could never want for more.

  Now his children had spread their wings. They’d left the nest and yet they were all right here, surrounding him. All had come back. There had been several points in his life when he couldn’t have imagined being happier. The births of his children. Callie being born in the meadow. Holly returning to him and his brothers when they’d thought they’d lost her. But nothing compared to right here, right now.

  His wife slipped her arms around his waist and hugged him to her. “What has you so deep in thought over here?”

  He blinked, realizing that the tree was done and the lights sparkled like tiny diamonds hung over the thick limbs. He smiled and leaned down to kiss the top of her head.

  “I was just thinking about my children and my wife.”

  Holly turned her face up and smiled back. “Good thoughts then.”

  “The best.”

  She sighed and stared back toward the tree and then let her gaze wander to her other husbands as they cleaned up the boxes and put them away until the tree came down.

  “This year we’ll have Lauren. Callie’s so worried about her. She hasn’t left Callie and Max’s place since she got here a few days ago. Callie says she’s so ashamed, and my heart just aches for her. I want to go over and just hug her.”

  “Why don’t you?” Adam asked, smiling at how tenderhearted his beautiful wife was.

  Holly hesitated. “Because I know how it feels. That kind of shame. Even as you know it’s not yours to bear, you can’t shake it.”

  He squeezed her, anger still fresh and fast to surface when he remembered what she’d endured at her first husband’s hands. The little bastard had died in prison the previous year, which only brought a small measure of satisfaction to Adam and his brothers. They would have much preferred to make him suffer a long, slow, painful death.

  “It’s precisely why you should go visit her,” he said softly. “You more than anyone know exactly what she’s going through.”

  “I want her to venture out,” Holly said, her lips firming in resolution. “Everyone will spoil her endlessly and restore her faith in the male species. She needs that.”

  Adam nodded. “Be patient. She’ll take on the world and venture out of her safe haven when she’s ready. But there’s nothing to say that you can’t go over and lend her your love and support.”

  Holly checked her watch and then let out an exclamation. “I’ve got to run. I’m supposed to go see Lily today.”

  “I’ll drive you,” Ethan said from across the room. “I need to go into town anyway.”

  Holly frowned and shook her head. “No need.”

  Adam exchanged raised eyebrows with his brothers. Holly had been acting awfully suspicious lately. Not that she didn’t often visit Lily, but during the last week, she’d gone down there with increasing frequency and she was adamant that no one accompany her.

  Ryan’s lips thinned and he crossed his arms over his chest as though he was about to argue, but then he seemed to think better of it and abruptly backed down. “What time will you be back?” he asked gruffly. “It’s supposed to snow again.”

  Holly considered the matter a moment and then did another check of her watch. “I’ll be home by d
ark. Promise. I may stop in to check on Callie—and Lauren, but I’ll call you from her house if I do.”

  Adam pulled her up and kissed her lingeringly. “Be careful, okay? We worry when you’re away from us.”

  She shot him a dazzling smile and hurried away to get her purse and keys. As soon as she left the room, Adam shot his brothers a seeking glance.

  “What the hell is our sweet little wife up to?”

  Ethan shook his head. “Hell if I know, but she scares me when she gets this way. There’s no telling what she has up her sleeve.”

  Ryan frowned and shoved his hands into his pockets. “You think everything is okay with Lily? Have the boys said anything lately about any problems they might be having? Holly’s been spending a lot of time with her lately.”

  Adam rubbed his hand over his chin as he pondered the possibility. But no. Seth, Michael, and Dillon all seemed happy. Content. At total peace. You could sense it in them. And there’d been nothing in Lily’s actions to hint at any turmoil. She was as sweet as ever. Quiet, shy, but fierce in her protection of the people she loved.

  Finally he shrugged. “It does us no good to stand around and speculate. Sooner or later we’ll know what she’s up to. Until then we’ll just have to be patient.”

  HOLLY pulled into Callie’s driveway just as dusk was blanketing the mountains. Snow flurries spun and spiraled in crazy swirls, melting on the windshield as she cut the engine. Instead of calling her husbands as she’d promised, she sent a text to all three that she was safe at Callie’s and would be home shortly. It saved time and prevented the inevitable concern she’d hear in their voices.

  And to be honest, she wasn’t feeling entirely wonderful. She had a chill and a fiery ache had settled into her right side. The fever could well be the result of being exposed to Callie’s strep throat, and she could only assume she’d eaten something over the past several days that hadn’t agreed with her. She and Lily had cooked enough Christmas dinners to feed an entire battalion. Twice. But she was confident that come Christmas Day, she was going to serve her family the best holiday dinner they’d ever tasted.

  With a sigh, she climbed out of the SUV and headed toward Callie’s front door. The entire front of Callie’s house was decorated in bright, colorful Christmas lights. A large wreath hung on the door, and framed in the huge picture window stood the tree, ablaze with over a thousand white lights. Callie had always loved Christmas. Every bit as much as Holly did. It warmed Holly through that her daughter had her own home just a short distance away from her parents. She missed her babies when they were away and of all her children, Callie had spent the most time away from home. Now she was back where she belonged and Max would keep her centered. He’d calmed her restless spirit and had given her a safe haven.

  As she reached the steps, the porch light came on and the door opened, revealing Max.

  “Hello, Mrs. C. Come in, come in. Here, let me take your coat.”

  “Hi Max,” Holly said, leaning up on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. Her son-in-law’s acceptance into the family hadn’t come without hiccups, but he’d proven himself a dozen times over since he and Callie had married.

  Max took her coat and ushered her inside to the living room, where a fire blazed in the hearth.

  “Mom!” Callie cried as she hurried over.

  Holly caught her daughter in her arms and hugged her tightly. “Hi, baby. How are you?”

  “I’m good. What brings you over? Would you like some hot chocolate or a glass of wine?”

  “Nothing for me, thank you,” Holly said. “Where’s Lauren? I’d hoped to see her while I was here.”

  Callie and Max exchanged pained looks.

  “She’s in her room,” Callie said with a sigh.

  Holly glanced at Max. “Would you mind if I went to see her?”

  Max wiped a hand wearily over his face. “I’d be grateful for whatever you could do for her. I feel so damn helpless. I want to help her but I don’t know how. She’s hurting and I’m powerless to stop it.”

  Holly impulsively went to him and enfolded him a big hug. In her mind, no one ever got too old for a motherly hug, and judging by his reaction, he didn’t think so either.

  He hugged her back, squeezing a little tighter than normal.

  Holly drew away and patted his cheek affectionately. “I know you don’t feel like you’re helping her, Max, but I promise you she appreciates you just being here and for going to New York to fight for her. She’s adrift. She feels isolated and alone. She’s afraid, ashamed, angry. It just takes time to heal and to regain your confidence.”

  “If she can be as half as strong as you are, Mrs. C, she’ll be just fine,” Max said, clear love in his voice.

  “I wasn’t very strong in the beginning,” Holly said ruefully. “Adam, Ethan, and Ryan made me strong. Their love made me strong. Just like our love is going to make Lauren strong again. We simply have to make her see it.”

  “Thank you,” Max said sincerely. “For caring about my sister.”

  Holly smiled, reached over to squeeze Callie’s hand, and then headed toward the stairs. “I’ll be back down in a bit, Callie. If your fathers call, tell them I’m with Lauren. They’ll understand.”

  She climbed the stairs and turned to the left, away from the master suite and down a hallway where the other bedrooms were located. At the end, she encountered the closed door of Lauren’s bedroom and knocked softly.

  “Lauren? It’s Holly Colter. Can I come in for a few minutes?”

  A long moment later, the door opened and Lauren stood there, surprise and confusion reflected in her dark, wounded eyes. Holly wanted to cry as she took in how changed the lovely young woman was from the last time Holly had visited with her.

  She looked infinitely fragile. Haunted. Callie had said she’d been wearing scarves and long sleeves to cover the bruises, but she wore no such things now, and even days after her attack, there was still evidence of bruising. Much fainter now. Yellow and green instead of black and blue, but the marks were there.

  “Hi,” Holly offered softly.

  Lauren smiled but swallowed nervously. “Hi, Mrs. Colter. I didn’t realize you were coming over.”

  Holly flashed a bright, cheerful smile, determined not to show any pity or anger over Lauren’s condition. “Oh, I pop in all the time. I wanted to see how you were doing. I’ve been dying to see you again.”

  Guilt crept into Lauren’s eyes and she gripped the door a little tighter.

  “Can I come in?” Holly asked again.

  Lauren hastily glanced back and then opened the door wide. “Of course. I’m sorry.”

  Holly sailed past her, her heart aching at the change so evident in the young woman. Spying the two chairs by the window, she headed in that direction and perched on the edge of one. She leaned over to pat the other and motioned for Lauren to sit.

  Lauren gingerly settled onto the opposite chair, her unease rippling from her in waves. Holly grasped Lauren’s hands and squeezed comfortingly.

  “I’ve never been good at being subtle so I’m going to just dive right in. Callie told me what happened to you.”

  Lauren closed her eyes and her head bowed automatically. Holly moved one of her hands from Lauren’s and cupped Lauren’s chin, gently nudging it upward until Lauren was forced to look at her.

  “Listen to me, baby,” Holly said in an achingly gentle voice. “This wasn’t your fault. It’s not your shame to bear. I know how you’re feeling. I understand all too well.”

  Lauren’s eyes clouded. “How?” she cracked out. “How could you possibly know? Or understand? Your husbands would never …”

  Holly shook her head. “No, they wouldn’t. Thank God for that. I thank God for them every single day. But you know what? I didn’t always have them. I was running from my first husband when Adam found me lying in a ditch. He took me home, and he and his brothers helped put me back together. They protected me, they loved me, and they gave me the strength to fight back when the time
came.”

  Lauren’s eyes rounded in surprise. “You … Someone—your husband—hurt you?”

  Holly nodded. “Lauren, honey, you can’t hide from the world forever, and moreover, you can’t hide from the people who love you. My husbands and my sons are dying to spoil you rotten and treat you like an honorary daughter and sister. Hell, they spoil Callie shamelessly and she’s a married, grown woman. It’s bad enough Max gives her the moon, but her fathers and brothers do as well. I know it’s hard for you to trust right now, but in time your faith will be restored. Not all men are bastards. There are some really good men out there who’d die before ever hurting a woman.”

  Tears filled Lauren’s eyes. “I just feel so stupid. And I’m angry with myself. I should have left him. I made excuses for him. I brushed off the warning signs. I just felt so damn alone and for a while he filled that emptiness inside me.”

  “Oh, honey,” Holly said, pulling Lauren into her arms. She held her tightly and rocked back and forth. “It isn’t a crime to make a mistake. We all make them. Just because you gave your trust to the wrong man doesn’t mean you should punish yourself for the rest of your life.”

  Lauren sighed and wiped hastily at her tears as she pulled away from Holly. “It sounds pretty stupid when you say it like that. What I mean is that I sound stupid and you make complete sense. I just wish it was that easy to believe, you know?”

  Holly smiled and ran her hand over Lauren’s damp cheek. “The thing is, you don’t have to endure this alone. You’re surrounded by family, by people who love you. No one in this family thinks less of you. We’re worried about you. My boys want to go kick the little bastard’s ass, but we all just want you to be happy again. Venture out of your shell. We want you to feel safe here.”

  This time Lauren hugged Holly and her slender body shook with sobs as she buried her face in Holly’s shoulder. For the longest time, Holly simply sat there and held her, rocking her back and forth as Lauren let go of the pent-up emotion.