In the River Darkness

by Marlene Röder

  I always closed my eyes when I was kissing. But when I opened them again, I noticed that she was observing me with a fixed gaze, sizing me up, somehow.

  “My heart isn’t a stone,” she said in a serious tone.

  “No,” I whispered, confused by the odd expression on her face. Only much later would I realize that her words had been a warning.

  Mia exhaled deeply and relaxed. Her breath caressed my skin warmly like a fleeting touch. Yes, it felt like music. It felt like summer.

  “Kiss me again, Alex,” she whispered.

  Chapter 9

  Jay

  The bedsheets Grandma had attached to the clothesline with clothespins fluttered in the wind like white clouds. I captured their crackling on my voice recorder before they could fly away into the summer skies again.

  But there was some kind of annoying muttering in the background. I peered past the sheets toward the river, where Grandma and Papa had nothing better to do than ruin my recording.

  “And what do you want to do now, Eric?” Grandma’s voice bored into my father’s back as he sat on the dock and played hide-and-seek with the old pike.

  “About what?” Papa grumbled back. But I heard in his voice that he knew exactly what she was talking about.

  Grandma put her hands on her hips. “About the pictures, of course! We talked about it already last year, that it can’t go on this way. . . . Alexander is almost grown up now!”

  She slammed him into the ground with her words. I saw how Papa shrank into himself on his camping stool. He probably would have been glad to trade places with Old George, the pike, right then.

  “But Alex is always so happy. Those pictures are important to him!” he protested.

  “It was a mistake from the very beginning to agree to this whole thing. I thought it would make it easier for the boys. But instead, everything has just gotten more complicated.” Grandma muttered something like, “When something like that gets to be a habit. . . . I told you right off: a lie is a lie and can only bring unhappiness.”

  “All right, I’ll call her and explain it to her,” Papa finally said with a sigh. “There won’t be any more photos coming.”

  I didn’t completely understand what they were talking about, but I knew one thing for sure: it would be a sad birthday for my brother.

  Papa’s line jerked, and he quickly started to reel it in. He clearly thought the conversation was over.

  It was just as obvious that Grandma didn’t think so. “Good, then that’s settled,” she said, but made no move to leave.

  My father grimly worked his fishing rod. Hanging from the bait at the end of the line flapped not Old George, but a small silvery fish.

  “Damn, too small,” Papa grumbled, in a foul mood.

  “Will you talk to the boys, too?” Grandma continued the topic. “They’re both old enough for the truth. Sometimes I’m not sure how much they still remember. Not so much Alexander, but Jay. He’s never asked about her, not a single time. As if he . . .” A sad laugh rattled in her throat, like the boiler of an old steam engine. “He was so young then.”

  My father didn’t answer. Carefully, very gently, he released the fish from the hook and threw it back into the river.

  But I knew as well as he did that it wouldn’t help. That’s how it is with the fish. They swallow the hook because they see what they want to see. When you try to free them from it to put them back in the water, they die anyway. Papa always said they never recovered from the injury. Something in their mouths is damaged so badly that they can’t eat anymore. That’s why they die.

  But I think they die of disappointment over this world riddled with hooks.

  Grandma hobbled back up to the house, past the clothesline, without noticing me. But my father sat out there for a while longer. He looked at the fish blood on his hands, glistening in the sun.

  The bedsheets didn’t sing for me again that day. At some point, I gave up and wandered a ways upriver. There, I crouched in the grass at the riverbank.

  I felt so strange. My belly hurt as if I had a millstone in my stomach. Miserable, I stared into the water flowing by.

  “What should I do?” I asked my reflection, which trembled in the current like a candle’s flame. Should I tell Skip what I had just heard? Strange, until now I had never had to ask myself this question. Skip took care of Skip. And Skip took care of Jay.

  Could it work the other way around, too?

  My face hovered before me in the water, a blurry oval with two different-colored eyes.

  Monster eyes, Wolf and Matt used to call me when Skip couldn’t hear them. Suddenly, I had a strong urge to throw a rock at my reflection to see how it broke apart.

  I quickly searched for a stone, drew back . . . and my eyes became her eyes. Her features replaced mine as she slowly surfaced.

  I lowered my fist clutching the stone. Alina stood before me in chest-deep water.

  “Where did you come from?” I asked, astonished.

  “You called me, didn’t you?” Alina turned onto her back in the water, as agile and quick as an otter, and sprayed me in the face with a splash of water.

  In a way, I had. “Yeah, well, I have a problem and could use your advice. It’s about Skip,” I stalled, not sure how I should start. “His birthday is coming up and . . .”

  Alina made a face as if she had a toothache. “I don’t help pick out birthday presents if I’m not even invited to the party! Skip doesn’t want to see me, you know that.”

  “But it’s not even about a stupid birthday present, it’s something much more important!” I protested indignantly. “Let me finish explaining!”

  Alina pouted. “Oh, stop talking and get in the water already, Jay. What do we care about other people’s problems? The only important thing is you and me.”

  I didn’t say a word.

  “Let’s go for a swim, Jay.” Alina drew her fingers through the water and smiled at me.

  I felt myself nodding. I had just enough time to peel the clothes off my body before Alina grabbed my arm and pulled me into the river with her.

  Chapter 10

  Mia

  Alex wasn’t at home.

  “He’s still behind the counter at the snack bar,” his grandmother called to me from the porch. “But if you can make do with Jay and I for a change, you can come join us for a piece of cake.” There was a hint of an accusation in her tone. I immediately felt a twinge of guilt. I had pretty much given up our chats recently.

  “I’d be happy to join you!” I quickly responded.

  A few minutes later, I sat next to Jay at the dining room table as his grandmother piled enormous pieces of redcurrant tart on our plates. I was thinking that she had never continued her story and told me what happened to Katarina next. But there wasn’t any room in my head for other people’s stories right now, anyway.

  There was only room for Alex and me.

  I still didn’t know exactly how I had slipped into this “relationship,” but we’d been together for about a month now. Alex made me laugh, and I had been laughing a lot the past few weeks. It had been months since I had felt so lighthearted, even happy, and I wanted to enjoy it while it lasted. I had forbidden myself to brood about where this thing inevitably had to lead.

  The currant cream melted on my tongue like a wonderful, fleeting dream. “Mmmm!” Jay agreed, starting to help himself to a second piece.

  “Nothing doing, young man!” his grandmother protested, slapping his fingers. “That’s Alexander’s birthday cake! He should at least get a decent piece of that, since there won’t be any mail for him.” She moved a hand across her face, as if to wipe away the words she had started to say. Then she abruptly began clearing the table.

  Jay walked me to the door. “You won’t forget Skip’s party tonight, will you?”

  I rolled my eyes. “How could I forget his birthday? Alex has been talking about it nonstop for days! I’ve never met anyone who was so excited about his birthday.”

 
Jay sighed quietly. “That’s because . . . well, Skip’s parties are always the big event of the year here,” he continued with a crooked grin. “After all, he has the keys to the swimming pool!”

  It seemed to me that he had wanted to say something else.

  Of course, I had been to other parties in the city, even snuck into a nightclub. But nothing had prepared me for what would happen that night.

  It was one of those summer nights when people toss and turn in their damp sheets, too restless to sleep. The heat of the July day still clung heavily to everything. I could feel it radiating from the pavement through the soles of my sandals as I walked along the path to the pool. Even the leaves on the trees seemed to reflect the sun’s burning rays, and even though it was almost ten o’clock at night, it was astonishingly bright out.

  As I drew closer to the park, I could hear high-spirited voices and booming music, like the beating of an enormous heart.

  The gatehouse was deserted, and the gates to the swimming pool stood wide open. Behind them, shadowy figures moved around in the twilight. It looked like half the teenagers in town were gathered here, especially judging by the number of inflatable mats floating around the black surface of the water. I even spotted the plastic outline of a Caribbean island, complete with palm trees!

  On the cement slabs, a big bonfire burned. I moved toward the group standing around it. Some people were dancing to the music. The flames threw flickering light on their bare skin, since most of the guests were only wearing bathing suits. In my black top and gypsy skirt, I felt like a crane surrounded by beautiful birds of paradise.

  Laughter surrounded me, and the crackle of sparks flew skyward like tiny orange fireflies. Faces appeared in the circle of light from the fire and then faded back into the night, but none of them belonged to Alex.

  I did see his brother, though. His head tilted to the side, a fist pressed against his ear, Jay was crouched on the opposite side of the fire. Finally, someone I could talk to.

  “Hey, Jay!” I called, making my way toward him. “What are you doing there?”

  Slowly, Jay uncurled his fist—and showed me a tiny voice recorder in the palm of his hand. “I’m recording my own Four Seasons,” he explained in a serious tone.

  “Uh huh,” I replied, only slightly interested. “Where’s your brother? I haven’t even said happy birthday yet.”

  Jay closed his eyes briefly and listened, then pointed, without looking, in the distance. “Over there!”

  Sure enough, there he stood with his friend Wolf and a couple other guys. The whole group didn’t give the impression of being especially sober anymore.

  “Happy birthday, Alex!” I gave him a hug, even though it felt kind of weird to me in front of his staring friends. “Here’s your present,” I said awkwardly, handing him my package.

  “Ooooh,” Wolf said with a leer. “Come on guys, I think we’re in the way here.” With whistles and jeers, they went away.

  “I hope you like it,” I said as Alex unwrapped his present.

  After much deliberation, I had finally decided on a little travel atlas because Alex had once told me that his greatest desire was to move away from this hick town. “I want to travel and see the world, you know, Mia? The ocean!”

  As he tore open the wrapping paper, I was already anticipating the excitement I had seen in his eyes then. But no, there wasn’t even a hint of it! Alex just leafed through the pages covered with pictures of exotic places and muttered, “Cool, thanks.”

  I was disappointed, maybe even a little insulted. Alex didn’t even notice. He looked right past me, as if he didn’t know I was there. “Is . . . are you okay?” I asked hesitantly, staring at him.

  “Yeah, sure. Everything’s great!” he answered, but his eyes flickered as he spoke. “And you, are you having a good time?”

  “Mmmm.”

  “Me, too. Do you want a beer?” Without waiting for an answer, he tried to casually open a beer bottle. “Damn!” The bottle opener had slipped and cut his hand. Alex sucked on the bleeding wound, then spit it out and laughed.

  Usually, I got a warm feeling in my stomach when he laughed, but now I wished he would stop it. It was giving me goose bumps.

  “That works, too,” Alex laughed, and let a few drops of blood fall into his bottle of beer. “Now we can drink a blood oath! Hey, Jay, remember how we used to do that?” he called over to his younger brother.

  “Sure!” Jay came trotting over to us. For the second time that evening, I was glad to see him.

  “What kind of ancient macho ritual is that?” I joked, trying to hide my insecurity. “You two must have watched too many Western movies when you were little!”

  “This isn’t a stupid kid’s game!” Alex snapped at me unexpectedly. “It means that you’re there for each other—that you can really count on each other!”

  “Exactly!” Jay echoed. He explained, looking professional, “Blood brothers stick together forever. Nothing in the world can come between them! They don’t have any secrets from each other.”

  No secrets. I had to think of Nicolas then, and that I had absolutely no intention of telling Alex anything about him or that whole sorry episode.

  I swallowed. “And if you can’t keep this blood oath?” I protested. Both brothers stared at me. “I just mean those are really high standards, aren’t they?” I squeaked in a small voice.

  “Anyone who breaks the oath is a traitor,” Alex replied coldly. But it was Jay’s words that scared me more: “If you broke the oath, it would make everyone very unhappy,” he said quietly and sadly. “Then each of us would be all alone.”

  I had a safety pin on my skirt. Ceremoniously, Jay and I pricked our fingers with it and let a few drops of blood fall into the bottle of beer. Then the bottle was passed around.

  Each of the three of us took a swig. I threw mine back so fast that I almost choked on it—yuck, was that revolting!

  “Do you feel it? Now we’re bound together for ever and ever!” Alex said. His face glowed in the firelight. I didn’t feel anything. Instead, I asked myself in what kind of a freakish place I had landed here.

  Suddenly, we heard a loud splash. The people who had been standing around the bonfire streamed over to the pool as if something were being given away for free.

  “I don’t believe it, they’re actually starting without me! Wait for me, you idiots!” Alex yelled, and off he went.

  I turned to Jay. “Can you please explain to me what’s going on with your brother?” For the first time since I’d known him, Jay seemed sad.

  “It’s because Skip always gets a package on his birthday. Photos from his mother.”

  His choice of words was odd; after all, Katarina was his mother, too.

  “But today he didn’t get any pictures,” Jay concluded with a sigh, as if he had just explained everything. He gestured toward the party, the fire slowly burning down. “All of this is just ashes in the wind for Skip, nothing but ashes.”

  I was still thinking about this comment as we quickly moved toward the swimming pool, too. Lots of kids were already sitting on the edge of the pool, dangling their legs in the water and eagerly staring up at the diving tower. “Come on, get on with it, you cowards!” someone yelled.

  That’s when I first noticed the divers up on the high dive. Their silhouettes were only vague against the backdrop of the star-studded night sky. Animated by the cheers and whistles of the crowd, they took a running start and plunged from the tower into the void. They smacked the surface of the water in such quick succession that their bodies seemed to almost touch each other in the air.

  Impressive fountains of spray spouted up. The water drops sparkled in the moonlight, soaked the hem of my skirt, and covered the faces of the screaming spectators.

  “Splaaaassshh!” cried Jay, who was standing next to me. He drew out the letters in such a unique way that it sounded astonishingly like an actual spray of water.

  “So why aren’t you up there with them? Don’t you
want to prove how brave and manly you are?” I asked in a teasing way.

  But Jay just looked at me uncomprehendingly. “I don’t like it. You could fall up there . . . fall out of the world.”

  His words got lost in the hoots and jeers of the crowd because the divers’ tricks were getting harder and riskier. Wolf did a somersault and Matt surfaced after a cannonball, coughing and spitting out water.

  And then came Alex.

  Swaying slightly he stepped onto the diving board and bowed, like the ringmaster at a circus, to his audience. Suddenly, everything grew quiet; only the water gurgled as it slapped against the edge of the pool. I didn’t want to believe my eyes when I saw what came next: Alex did a handstand up there at the end of the diving board—ten feet up in the air!

  He could break his neck! Have you completely lost your mind! I wanted to yell at him, but it was too late.

  Slowly, almost in slow motion, Alex let himself tip over toward the water.

  My heart pounded in fear like a broken lawn mower. Instinctively, I closed my eyes, and only opened them again when everyone around me broke into wild applause.

  Then I saw Alex, all in one piece, climbing out of the pool. He disappeared into the darkness, and the crowd of spectators gradually broke up, too.

  “Wow, that was the best jump Alex has ever done!” Jay said, next to me, deeply impressed.

  “That was a completely idiotic, suicidal show!” I said through gritted teeth. My heartbeat had slowed down by then, but anger and concern remained. “Come on, Jay, help me look for this crazy nut before he accidently kills himself with one of his stunts!”

  We finally found Alex at the top of the diving platform, where he lay stretched out flat on the diving board. He stared dully into the water, where a shaky moon was reflected, almost full and so blindingly white it looked like someone had cut a piece out of the black night sky with a sharp blade.

  I stayed close to the exit and held tight to the railing. Just looking around was making me dizzy.