The Reggis Arms Caper
Page 6
Most wore pearl-gray fedoras and alligator-skin shoes.
Brandy and I took a booth.
I saw no waitress so I went to the bar for our drinks.
The grizzled old bartender said so help me Christ I just seen a mirage go through here.
He said it was a guy maybe five foot tall with a goddam sword about seven foot long.
He said it was dragging on the ground.
He said he was wearing some kind of streetcar conductor’s uniform.
I shrugged.
I said Admiral Yogo Takashita?
He said huh?
I said Admiral Yogo Takashita?
He said oh.
He shook his head.
He said no I hear we’re gonna get snow by Monday.
I took our drinks to the booth and sat facing Brandy.
She nodded her thanks and raised her glass.
She said well Purdue here’s to it.
I shrugged.
I said Sonia isn’t here tonight.
I said you’re the only woman in the joint.
I said how do we score if we don’t bat?
Brandy said we’ll score.
She said we may lose the war but this is one skirmish we’re going to win.
I said what were you doing before they put you on this?
Brandy said the same thing I’m doing now.
She said fighting Communism.
She said sometimes it seems so damned futile.
She said you fix a leak here and you get a tidal wave somewhere else.
She said Communist world domination appears inevitable.
She looked up at me with lights glinting in her brown eyes.
She said but it’ll happen over my dead body.
She said I hate the filthy disease and the filthy riffraff that spreads it.
She said wild-eyed eggheads and bewildered college babies skillfully manipulated by cold-blooded professionals.
She said all because of DADA.
She said when the Reds got our news media they threw a hammerlock on the country.
I said DADA?
Brandy said DADA is a Soviet organization that specializes in the subversion of news media at the national distribution level.
She said very efficient.
I didn’t say anything.
Brandy said one more generation and it’ll all be over but the mass executions.
I shrugged.
I said well maybe we’ll draw the line somewhere.
Brandy’s soft mouth grew hard.
She said that will never happen.
She said our news media won’t permit it.
I said Brandy excuse me but you’re talking a little loud.
Brandy said I couldn’t care less.
She said Purdue this nation is riding a seventeen-inch picture tube straight into hell.
Harry Jennings went by.
Classy-eyed and slack-jawed.
He was dragging his stuffed panda by one ear.
He made it to a booth and collapsed.
Brandy said pathetic.
She said at one time he may have been a very special man.
She said at one time the United States of America was a very special country.
A tear rolled down Brandy’s cheek.
She said Purdue I can remember that time.
32
…if “The Star-Spangled Banner” was a polka nobody would even get up to dance…
Monroe D. Underwood
A big man in a powder-blue sharkskin suit and black shirt with white tie stood by our booth.
He had a pockmarked face and hard reptilian eyes.
He carried a bulging briefcase.
He smiled at Brandy.
He said hey kid amma heara you talk.
He said you notta dumb like other broads.
He said amma take offa my hat to you.
He removed his pearl-gray fedora.
He said them Communistics gotta go bigga borschta joint inna sky.
He turned to the men at the bar.
He said all righta mens onna you feets.
He held his pearl-gray fedora to his left breast.
He led the singing of “America the Beautiful.”
When he went away I noticed that his briefcase was studded with numerous locking devices.
Brandy had calmed down.
She was smiling.
I said Brandy you have just been serenaded by Vito Cool Lips Chericola and his American True Blue Society.
Brandy said yes I know.
She said somehow I almost enjoyed it.
I said are you hep to the Mafiosi?
Brandy nodded.
She said we’re required to keep posted.
She started to yawn.
She interrupted her yawn with a spontaneous peal of laughter.
She said Purdue forgive me.
She said you’re utterly precious.
She said I just loved your tenor to those last two lines of “America the Beautiful.”
33
…I heard of a teddy bear what attacked two rubber ducks…reckon they gets kind of crochety in their old age…
Monroe D. Underwood
Brandy locked the door behind us.
I said dry run goddammit.
Brandy said well your reunion really won’t get rolling until tomorrow.
She said didn’t you see any of your old gang?
I said just Harry Jennings.
Brandy said which one was he?
I said the one that went to sleep in the booth.
Brandy said with the stuffed panda?
I said yeah.
I said you know I can’t figure that out.
I said when he was in the army Harry didn’t have a panda.
I said he had a teddy bear.
Brandy said well at least we’ve learned two things about Harry Jennings.
She said he’s lonely and he’s fickle.
She said he should get married.
I said he did.
I said his wife divorced him.
Brandy said because of the panda?
I said no I don’t think so.
I said I believe he still had the teddy bear.
Brandy sat on the side of the bed nearest the door and I took the other.
We talked back-to-back.
I said whew.
Brandy said tired?
I said damn right.
I said I drove clear from Belmont and Kimball.
Brandy said how far is that?
I said eight miles.
I said in the rain.
Brandy said gosh that’s not far.
I said in the rain?
Brandy said even in the rain.
I said in Chicago?
Brandy said Purdue eight miles is eight miles.
I said not in Chicago.
I said not in the rain.
I said people have starved to death driving eight miles in Chicago in the rain.
I said others have gone insane.
I said there have been numerous suicides.
Brandy said Purdue knock it off.
She said I’m tired too.
I heard Brandy’s shoes tumble on the carpeting.
I heard a zipper zip.
There were rustling sounds.
I heard a clasp go snick.
Brandy said Purdue do you remember what I told you about those brassiere welts?
I said uh-huh.
Brandy said well see for yourself.
She said I look like I’ve been lashed by a cat-o’-nine-tails.
I said I really don’t have to see.
I said I believe you.
I said I’m sorry about your welts.
Brandy didn’t say anything.
The lamp on the nightstand clicked out.
34
…if God ever decides to put twenty-five hours in a day Bulova gonna be in a whole mess of trouble…
Monroe D. Underwood
; Room 306 had a sliding glass door that opened onto a small wrought-iron Spanish-style balcony.
Beyond the balcony was the parking lot.
Beyond the parking lot was an ancient white frame church.
The church had a tower and the tower had a clock and I could see the clock in the glow of the streetlights.
It said two-forty-four.
An eternity ago it had said two-forty-three.
In another eternity it would probably say two-forty-five.
I watched it to make sure.
I had tossed and turned since midnight.
Brandy had flipped and flopped.
She said Purdue?
Her voice was husky-sweet in the darkness.
I said yeah?
Brandy said are you awake?
I said yeah.
Brandy said I can’t sleep.
She said can you sleep?
I said well Brandy think about it.
I said if I could sleep would I be awake?
Brandy said oh doggone.
She said I hadn’t looked at it from that angle.
I glanced at the clock.
I said it’s two-forty-five.
Brandy said honest to God?
Brandy said we’d better get some sleep.
I said okay.
Brandy said good-night Purdue.
I said good-night Brandy.
35
…oncet there was a reporter what got fired on account of tecknichalities…he couldn’t spell it either…
Monroe D. Underwood
A couple of eternities later Brandy said Purdue?
I said yeah?
Brandy said what time is it now?
I said two-forty-seven.
I said almost.
Brandy said Purdue?
I said yeah?
Brandy said don’t you want me Purdue?
I said well what kind of damn fool question is that?
I said of course I want you.
I said I want you so goddam bad I can taste you.
Brandy said oh good.
At two-forty-eight sharp Brandy said Purdue?
I said yeah?
She said did you get lost?
I shrugged.
I said Brandy you’re in charge of this safari.
Brandy said so?
I said so make it an order.
Brandy said what did you say?
I said make it an order.
Brandy said well Jesus Christ.
She said I can get dressed and start downstairs and I’ll probably get raped in the elevator.
She said here I am in bed with you and I’m stark naked and I’m wearing my lilac perfume and you just know that I must be one helluva lay and you want me to make it an order.
She said not on your life Buster.
She said I don’t operate in that fashion.
I said aw Brandy it’s only a little old beat-up technicality.
I said make it an order.
Brandy said no.
She said I don’t want you that way.
I said please make it an order.
Brandy said I’ll be damned if I’ll make it an order.
I said goddammit Brandy make it an order.
I said hurry up and make it an order.
Brandy said Purdue are you ordering me to make it an order?
I said why of course not.
I said you’re in charge here.
Brandy said I’m not going to make it an order.
She said I’ve done everything but stick it in your ear.
She said what else can I do?
I said you can make it an order.
Brandy said good-night forever.
I shrugged.
I said good-night.
36
…cold hands…warm heart…cold feet…hot pants…I think Benjamin Franklin said that…
Monroe D. Underwood
I dozed off.
I woke up.
My nose itched.
Brandy’s head was on my pillow.
A wisp of her hair was across my face.
It smelled sweet.
It drifted in my breathing.
It tickled my nose.
Brandy’s lips were very close to my ear.
She whispered Purdue?
I could barely hear her.
I said yeah?
Brandy whispered you were snoring.
I said sorry.
I said sometimes that happens when I lie on my back.
Brandy whispered what time is it?
I said two-fifty-five.
Brandy whispered Purdue?
I said yeah?
Brandy whispered oh Jesus Christ Purdue.
I said you better believe it.
Brandy sighed.
She sat up.
She grabbed a fistful of my crew cut.
She said goddammit Purdue I’m in charge here.
She said do you understand that you sonofabitch?
I said perfectly.
Brandy said well all right then.
She returned her head to my pillow.
She put her lips close to my ear.
She whispered Purdue?
I could barely hear her.
I said yeah?
Brandy whispered it’s an order Purdue.
37
…the feller what keeps starting over hardly ever gets finished…
Monroe D. Underwood
Brandy gasped hold it Purdue.
I said my God I can’t hold it now.
Brandy pushed me.
She said hold it for Christ’s sake.
She said somebody’s opening the door.
I said maybe I better hold it.
Brandy glided from the bed.
She was a velvet naked shadow.
Light from the hallway splashed briefly into the room and vanished with the almost inaudible closing of the door.
A pencil-thin flashlight beam drilled the lilac-scented darkness.
There was a short scuffling sound.
A flashlight flew across the room.
There was a furniture-rattling crash.
Brandy said turn on the light Purdue.
I reached across the bed and turned on the nightstand lamp.
A big man was sprawled flat on his back.
His eyeballs rolled loosely.
Brandy had her foot on his throat.
She said Grogan just what the hell is on your mind?
Grogan said I wanted to find out how you were doing.
Brandy said well I was doing just dandy until you showed up.
She said why didn’t you use our secret knock?
Grogan said what is it?
Brandy said shave and a haircut two-bits.
Grogan said yeah that’s it.
He said I never can remember that goddam thing.
He said besides I got a key.
He said how’s Purdue working out?
Brandy said he’s excellent.
She said he’s experienced and he has good technique.
She said he has admirable control and he knows all the moves.
She said most important he takes orders well.
Grogan sat up.
His eyes were returning to focus.
He said hi Purdue.
I said I don’t think your parachute opened.
Grogan nodded ruefully.
He got to his feet.
He looked at Brandy.
He shook his head.
He said oh my God.
He looked at me.
He shook his head again.
He said lots of luck Purdue.
I said thanks Grogan.
Brandy said knock next time.
She said shave and a haircut two-bits.
Grogan staggered out.
Brandy locked the door and returned to bed.
She killed the light.
She said men make lousy operatives.
The clock said four-thir
ty-nine.
Brandy said where were we?
I said well wherever it was it took us an hour and a half to get there.
Brandy said we’ll just have to start all over.
I said but.
Brandy said that’s an order Purdue.
I shrugged.
38
…my mother-in-law tried out for the Valkyries only they already had a middle linebacker…
Monroe D. Underwood
We woke up at one o’clock on Saturday afternoon.
It was a leaden day and it was raining heavily.
Brandy sat up.
She ran her fingers through her dark wavy hair.
She said wow.
I said ain’t it the truth?
Brandy said have you looked at this bed?
She said I think the Valkyries were holding maneuvers.
I said how many records did we break?
Brandy squirmed around.
Very uncomfortably.
She said I can’t tell you.
She said I’m afraid my calculator’s on fire.
39
…a woman on the side is like a new car on credit…you get tired of it in a hurry but you never get the damn thing paid for…
Monroe D. Underwood
Brandy lit two cigarettes.
She put one in my mouth.
She placed an ashtray on my bare stomach.
It was cold and I flinched and Brandy giggled.
She said Purdue you’re awfully nice.
I shrugged.
I said Betsy wouldn’t say that.
Brandy dropped back on my pillow.
Hers was on the floor.
Brandy said is this the first time you’ve cheated on her?
I said yes.
I said since we’ve been married that is.
Brandy said and you feel badly about it.
I shrugged.
I said shouldn’t I?
Brandy said yes it’s a natural reaction for a man in love.
I said but it was sure worth it.
Brandy turned her face to me.
She said Purdue that was a very sweet thing to say.
She took me gently by the ear.
She said now you listen to me.
She said never tell her.
She said never admit it.
She said never ever ever ever.
She said there’ll be other women.
She said but if you love your wife and value your marriage you’ll keep your mouth shut.
I said oh I think Betsy would understand.