Alexander Outland: Space Pirate

by G. J. Koch

  “Creation?”

  As I asked this I heard the sound of running feet, two pairs. One sounded like Randolph—spend half your lives together, and you learn how the other sounds when running for said lives. Or maybe we were just lucky that way.

  The other pair, though, sounded odd. Metallic and heavy, and yet, fast.

  We turned and looked to see Randolph return. And, lucky me, he wasn’t alone.

  CHAPTER 10

  Randolph ran in, dragging along what looked like a woman.

  He was holding her hand. Only, she wasn’t a woman, in the sense that I’d ever met one. Because she was metallic.

  The Governor had been prepared. But Slinkie and I hadn’t been. We both stared. I felt my mouth go dry and realized my jaw was hanging open. So was Slinkie’s. I slammed mine shut and took the opportunity to gently close hers. She had soft, smooth skin, the kind you wanted to rub your whole body against, all the time.

  She rammed her elbow into my ribs and I stopped stroking her face. I also focused back on the matter at hand. My Chief Mechanic had created his own Sexbot.

  Audrey, as I knew we would all need to call her, wasn’t bad, all things considered. If you didn’t mind that she was sort of reflective, she was pretty nice to look at. Platinum blonde hair, done in a sort of wavy bob, hourglass figure, pretty face. She was in a white halter dress that went down to just under her knees.

  Randolph beamed at us. “Everyone, this is Audrey.”

  “We guessed. So, the auto-help program is, what, in Audrey’s brain?” I thought I was taking this very well.

  Audrey smiled. It was eerie. Her teeth were also metallic. I figured I needed to have a serious talk with Randolph about what sexual acts to avoid, pronto. “In a sense, Captain.” Her voice was the same as always, calm and soothing. It still felt like nails on a chalkboard to me. “I am an expansion of the auto-help program. My Randolph has made many important enhancements, so I now have much more capability and can be a more full-fledged member of the crew.”

  “We may have to pay taxes on her,” the Governor whispered. He was looking at the placard again. “Not sure if she falls under Herion’s definition of ‘creature’.”

  “I’m so excited I almost can’t stand it. Audrey, please, have a seat. Randolph, can I have a word with you in private?”

  Audrey settled next to the Governor, who didn’t seem to object. Of course not. He had the hottest humanoid woman and, I’d guess, the hottest robotic woman in the galaxy with him. How the old geezer always managed this, I never knew, and he never felt the need to share.

  Made sure Randolph and I were in a corner of the bar, far away from anyone. “Are you out of your mind? How hard up are you? I mean, there are even sex partners for hire on Herion.”

  “I didn’t help Audrey achieve her full personhood to have sex with her.” Randolph sounded offended.

  “You don’t have or want to have sex with her?” I was now wondering just how far and how bad Randolph’s insanity went. Achieve her full personhood? Who said, let alone thought, things like that? Well, Randolph, clearly, but what normal person?

  “Well, only when she wants to. I mean, I would never force myself on her. And, you know, there are times when it’s nicer to cuddle.”

  Tried to think of when that would be. Came up blank. “You two cuddle? Isn’t she kind of… hard?”

  “Well, I used an aluminum alloy from Quinsarti, which, when combined with…” Randolph was still talking. My mind shut off. He could go for hours about this. About ten minutes later he sounded like he was finishing up. “…and so, she’s supple, almost humanoid. We’re still discussing whether or not to put a skin on her or just let her stay metallic. It’s up to her, of course.”

  “Of course.” I wondered what bizarre discovery I was going to make about the Governor and Slinkie next. Maybe they were passionate lovers. Maybe I’d let myself out of the airlock when we were in deep space if this were so. “So, how does the new Audrey help fly the ship?”

  No sooner were the words out of my mouth than I literally knew what Randolph’s answer was going to be. “She can now function as a full copilot.”

  “You mean she hooks into the main ship’s computer again and does her usual job?” It was worth a shot, after all.

  “No. I mean she can actually fly. By sitting in the copilot’s seat. It’ll make things better—I’ll be able to stay in Engineering, Slinkie can stay in Weapons.”

  “Randolph, the two of you never stay in your assigned seats. It’s sort of a given, our crew’s thing. You plop your butt into the copilot’s chair, Slinkie hangs around behind us. I’m used to it.”

  “When Jack was copilot he sat in the chair.”

  “Yeah. You’re talking about the guy I willingly turned in to the authorities on Omnimus because he was such a jerk he was stealing from all of us, as well as everyone else.”

  “He did take the definition of pirating a little far, yeah.”

  “I don’t miss having a real copilot.”

  Randolph sighed. “Nap, I know you’re lying. You were really happy when Saladine was with us.”

  “That has nothing to do with this.” I managed not to snarl. I was proud of myself.

  “It’s not your fault he was killed, you know.”

  “I don’t need a copilot. Are you insinuating that I need a copilot?”

  “No.” Randolph was doing his best to sound soothing. “We’re the only ship to make it through to Herion in, what, the last six months. You’re the best pilot out there, we all know that. But even the best can use help. Audrey’s been your auto-helper for years now. She knows how you fly, how you like to do things.”

  “Yeah? She know that I like to have warning of imminent destruction sooner than fifteen seconds?”

  He coughed. “She was just asserting her sense of humor—she told me she would have shut things down before we self-destructed. I mentioned that, in the future, she should feel free to share without waiting to be asked.”

  My head hurt. “So, your girlfriend is now going to be my copilot?”

  “We’re engaged.”

  I was proud of myself. I didn’t scream, I didn’t throttle him. I just nodded. “Wise. Get her off the market before someone with more to offer comes along.”

  “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” He was serious. I wondered about the rumors that too much time out in space caused mental issues. I’d thought it was a load of droppings, myself, but Randolph was showing that it might possibly be true.

  “By the way, why’d you put her in that dress?”

  “Oh, the model I used wore that.”

  “Huh. Well, she fills it out nicely.”

  “I only make the best, Nap.”

  “True. True.” The best Sexbot, the best case for insanity, the best example for why having a pleasure princess on staff would have been a wise choice, no matter what Slinkie’s opinion was. The list went on and on.

  “So, what did you want to ask Audrey? About our getting off Herion safely, or whatever else your plan is?” Randolph asked this without any sarcasm.

  I thought quickly. “Just wanted her thoughts. She might have picked up something from Herion’s Main Computer that could help us.”

  Randolph beamed. “See? You’re already thinking of her as both a person and an important part of the team.” He hugged me. “You’re the best friend in the galaxy.”

  I wondered how much a psychic scan would cost, and if it would outweigh the work needed to play along with Randolph’s scary delusions.

  But I merely shrugged. “That’s me. The best.”

  A heavy hand fell on my shoulder. “That’s what we’ve heard.” The voice was male, and one I didn’t recognize.

  CHAPTER 11

  I turned around slowly, making sure I was ready to fight if necessary and smile nicely, depending.

  There were several men there, including the guy who had his hand on me. They weren’t Herion Military, which was a small blessing. They weren’t anyone I
recognized, and they weren’t dressed like any spacers I knew, either. They ranged in age between me and the Governor, and were dressed like businessmen.

  “Captain Alexander Napoleon Outland?” the guy with a grip on my shoulder asked. The big guy who had about twenty years, six inches, and a hundred pounds of muscle more than me asked.

  “Who wants to know?”

  “Herion Business Bureau.”

  I took a careful look. They were all in expensive suits. They all looked familiar with money and probably power. What they didn’t look like were business owners. At least, not legitimate business owners.

  “You’re representing special interests?”

  The man gave me a slow, wide smile. “I like smart boys.” I hoped he meant this in a figurative sense, not that he and his associates wanted to broaden my horizons. Because I had no doubt they’d be able to—they all looked like they’d passed on joining Herion Military only because it didn’t pay as well as organized crime.

  “What’s your interest with me?”

  He laughed. It was a low laugh that made my private parts want to shrivel up and hide. “Best pilot in the galaxy, who’s also the best smuggler, and he has to ask what our interest is? Smart is good. Coy is not. Coy is for girls. You’re not a girl, are you?”

  “No. I like girls. A lot.” I wondered if there was a way I could keep these guys from spotting Slinkie. I figured Audrey could hold her robotic own, but I didn’t want them trying to make time with Slinkie. Having Lionside doing that was more than enough competition.

  “So, smart boy who likes girls, why do you think we want to talk to you?”

  “Because you can’t get contraband on or off planet because of the pirate armada.” Randolph sounded calm when he said this. “And you want to hire us because we’ve made it through alive.”

  The man who still hadn’t released my shoulder gave Randolph a long look. I wondered if we were dead or being set up. I figured both.

  “Your friend’s not as stupid as he looks, is he?” he asked finally.

  “All my crew’s smart. The question is, is his guess right or do you just like holding onto me?”

  He grinned and let go of my shoulder. “He’s right, and if you’re the best smuggler, that means you’re the best at getting away. Didn’t want you trying that right now.”

  “No plan to do so.”

  “Really? Perhaps you should work on controlling your expression, then.”

  “Oh, will do. So, is this about a job?” The men all nodded. “Great. Then I have some rules. First off, I don’t do business with people without names, so if you want to have a discussion, pretend to be polite and introduce yourselves. Second, I have right of refusal. I don’t like your offer or your terms, I say no, we leave if not friends then at least not enemies. Third, if I take your job, then we’ll do your job, but if, as it so often turns out, your job has more complexity to it than you want to tell me about at this stage of the game, I’m going to demand appropriate additional payment. And, so far, I’ve been able to do that successfully each and every time.”

  “You’re telling us this beforehand why?”

  “I believe in truth in advertising. Last, if you’re really talking a job, you’ll talk about it with me and my business manager.”

  “Business manager?”

  I gave him a slow, wide smile. “Yeah. In the trades, they call him Janz the Butcher.” I prayed Randolph would keep his mouth shut and his expression neutral.

  They exchanged glances. “You know Janz?” The man who’d had his hand on me sounded a lot less sure of himself.

  “Very well. He hates rudeness, so, who the hell are you?”

  “Beber Zoltan. I’m the head of the Bureau on Herion.” This settled it. All the names on Herion were bizarre.

  I nodded. “I’m sure he’ll be impressed. I don’t want to talk business here—we just had an interview with Herion Military and I have to assume they’ll be keeping an eye on us for a while.”

  “Where then?” Zoltan asked.

  “The Crazy Bear.”

  “That’s a nightclub.”

  “Right. Still a popular, noisy and crowded nightclub?”

  “Yeah.” Zoltan shook his head. “Got your point. What time?”

  “Tomorrow night, call it oh-twenty-hours.” They ran on military time on Herion, and had an Earth-like rotation around their sun. It was interesting, how much influence Earth had had on the galaxy. I was from Zyzzx, but I could trace my family lines back to Earth. Great-Aunt Clara had been particularly proud of our heritage. Me, I just had to give it to the folks from Old Earth—they’d spread throughout the galaxy and left their mark on every single planet.

  “Fine. No tricks,” Zoltan added.

  “Not from our side. We’ll be expecting them from yours.”

  He laughed. “I think I like you, Outland.”

  “Well, guess we’ll see if this is the start of a beautiful friendship or if you try to betray and kill me and my crew later.”

  Zoltan smiled as he and his group turned to leave. “Liking and business don’t always go together.”

  “Yeah. Like I said, been there, done that, got the carbon markings.”

  He nodded as he walked away. “See you tomorrow night.” Randolph and I exchanged the “we’re dead” look. “I can’t believe you have us involved with Janz the Butcher.” Randolph sounded like he was wavering between crying or killing himself.

  “Or that I know him very well and am going to contact him. I know. You say this every time.” I sighed. “Let’s get back to the others. I need to make an interstellar call.”

  CHAPTER 12

  We found the other three where we’d left them. I was immensely relieved. “Time to go up to our room, sweep it for bugs, check for potential snipers, bombs and similar, then figure out what the hell’s going on.”

  The Governor hailed the waitresses. They came trotting over. I considered again. Yes, only worth it if I had both of them at the same time. “Young ladies, can we please close out our tab?” The Governor gave them both his patented “charming old geezer” smile. They giggled at him. The Governor never failed to impress. It never failed to amaze and astound me.

  One of them handed him a bill which he handed to me. “My retainer,” he said to them. They giggled again.

  I paid, working not to mutter nasty things about the Governor under my breath, and then we headed off to our rooms. We were on the highest floor and the word “palatial” leapt to mind. We had four bedrooms, two bathrooms large enough to house the Ismaliz Boys Choir, and a sunken living room area. The furnishings were all top of the line and so sleek they gave Slinkie a run for her money.

  “How much is this going to cost us? All our internal organs? The Sixty-Nine? All of the above?”

  “Same cost as the cheap fleabags you normally stick us in,” the Governor replied. “Things are quite bad for Herion.”

  Slinkie, Randolph and Audrey performed a variety of scans. I had to admit that Audrey was useful. She found some bugs no one else had. Once we had everything cleaned out and neutralized, we all sort of collapsed in the living room.

  “None of the bugs were specific,” Randolph said finally. “Just standard for Herion.”

  “No bombs,” Slinkie added.

  “And we have no risks from the occupants of other buildings that I can spot, Captain.” Audrey was sitting next to Randolph, leaning against him. She looked almost human. If you could get past the way the lights reflected off her. Which I couldn’t.

  “Good. Then I can call my contact and we can make a deal we probably don’t want to make with the Herion Business Bureau while simultaneously figuring out what Herion Military does and doesn’t know.”

  “Nap, I still think I should spend time with Bryant and see what I can get out of him.”

  “I know you’re hot for him, Slink. Cut me a break, though, and don’t throw yourself at him. Play a little hard to get. You know, you practice that on me all the time, you’re a pro
at it by now.”

  She rolled her eyes. “I guess brains and piloting skills are not the same thing.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “Security Chief Slinkie is not actually interested in Major Lionside,” Audrey offered. “She is trying to gain information by using her feminine wiles.”

  Slinkie didn’t look like she’d wanted Audrey to share this news. But I could tell it was true. Amazingly enough, I felt a lot better. “Oh, well, I knew that.”

  “Nap, don’t even try to lie.” Slinkie leaned her head on her hand. “But you haven’t come up with anything better, and I want to be able to get off this planet and arrive somewhere else alive.”

  “I don’t want you cozying up to Lionside, okay? I don’t trust him.”

  “I don’t trust Nitin. Not sure about Bryant, but that Nitin guy gave me the creeps.”

  “Same here. More reason not to let you go off with Lionside. What if they just want you for a group grope?” I had far too active an imagination. I could see this happening far too easily. And if anyone was going to be groping Slinkie against her will, it was going to be me.

  “I’m more concerned with the gentlemen who are trying to hire you, Alexander,” the Governor said gravely. “Dealing with organized crime on Herion is tricky at best, particularly since we have Herion Military interested in us.”

  “I agree. I need to call Janz.”

  The Governor nodded and stood. “I’ll go with you. Sometimes he prefers to deal with me.”

  “True. The rest of you, stay here and brainstorm ideas. I don’t want anyone wandering off right now, not alone, not together. You all stay here, got it? Especially you, Slink.”

  “Fine,” she grumbled. Randolph and Audrey nodded.

  “You sure you want to deal with Janz the Butcher again?” Randolph asked. He sounded no less freaked out than he had before. “That guy’s reputation is pretty terrifying. Even those Business Bureau guys were afraid of him.” Randolph clearly felt I should also be afraid of Janz. If he only knew.