Alexander Outland: Space Pirate

by G. J. Koch

  “Oh! No, sir. Please, let me help you.” Jabbob leapt into action and helped the Governor to the best seat in the house. The old man always scored, every time.

  “When, when can we leave?” Slinkie snarled.

  I saw the hurt look that crossed Jabbob’s face and realized Tanner was right—Slinkie was about to cause problems. “Slin, honey, let’s go get you a drink of water.” I took her arm and moved her out of the room. “Stop it. Behave, act nice, stop whining.”

  “What’s with you? You’re suddenly best buds with that telepathic birdbrain, acting like he’s Saladine, and then you want me to play with beast master there?”

  “I’m not acting like Tanner is Saladine.” I tried not to snarl, but didn’t manage well.

  Slinkie snorted. “Right.”

  “Whatever. Look, we aren’t in the best position in the galaxy, so play nicely with others, especially the man who loves animals. You know, pretend you’re a nice girl.”

  That earned me the vulture-look. “Oh. So, now I’m not a nice girl.” Her voice was at that cutting space ice level again.

  “You know what I meant.”

  “You scored tongue and that tells you all you need to know, I guess!”

  “This has nothing to do with kissing you.”

  “Right.” She turned and started to stalk out.

  I knew this wasn’t going to lead to anything good. So, because I didn’t want to create a scene, I grabbed her, pulled her back into my arms, and kissed her again. Purely out of safety of the mission motives.

  Amazingly enough, again I didn’t get the Avian Claw to the jugular. Slinkie struggled, but in that way women will when they really don’t want to get away, but want to make you think they might, at least a little bit, so they can claim they weren’t actually interested later on. That was her body. Her mouth wasn’t struggling at all.

  This kiss lasted longer than our first one, and I had no complaints. From what I could tell, Slinkie didn’t, either. She stopped struggling pretty quickly and had her arms wrapped around me. I started to feel that our time on Herion wasn’t a total waste.

  Before this kiss could move us into a horizontal position, I heard someone come in. “Dear Feathered Lord, this isn’t the place!”

  We pulled apart. “Great, you’re a prude. Good to know.” I was surrounded by them. Wondered if I should reconsider letting Tanner hang around.

  “Hardly. Just, for Avian’s sake, pull apart!” He sounded panicked. I decided to listen to him.

  Jabbob came in just as Slinkie and I moved away from each other. “I have a nice room for the ladies. The men will have to bunk in the barn, I’m afraid.”

  “Sounds good,” Tanner said cheerfully. Slinkie opened her mouth and Tanner stepped on her foot. “We’ll just get settled in, don’t want to disturb you any more than we already have.”

  Jabbob nodded. “Sounds fine, Tan. I’ll bring some blankets out to the barn.” He wandered off.

  Slinkie grabbed Tanner by the back of his neck. “Give me one good reason why I don’t rip your jugular out right here.”

  “Jabbob doesn’t deal with public displays of affection well. At all. As in turns into a berserk killer not well.” Tanner didn’t sound worried. “That’s reason one. Reason two is that you need to be nice to our host, or he’ll get upset. I point back to reason one for why we don’t want to get him upset. Third, much as you might want to pretend otherwise, you and I both know you’re not going to kill me, so stop posturing, it’s wasting time. Finally, if we want to get off Herion without leaking blood and also survive the pirate armada waiting out there for us, it might be a good idea to work together. Your choice, of course.”

  Slinkie made a sound of disgust and let go of Tanner’s neck. “Fine. I’ll play nicely.” She stalked out of the kitchen.

  There was more to what was going on between them than this exchange, but I figured right now wasn’t the time to find out. “Are we actually safe here?”

  “Safer than anywhere else on Herion right now, yeah. As long as you and Randolph keep your hands off Slinkie and Audrey, that is. And as long as Slinkie can remember her upbringing.”

  I pondered this. Jabbob sounded like one of those simpletons who plod along for years and then go crazy and kill a ton of people. I knew how our luck went—one of us was likely to set this guy off. On the other hand, we had a tankfloater, weapons, and a lot more freedom to run away screaming here than we did in any number of Herion prisons.

  Clearly Tanner knew a lot more about Slinkie than I did. However, I figured I had enough to deal with right now and chose to let his comments about her upbringing slide.

  “Works for me. If I ask him about dinner, will he offer edible food or try to kill me?”

  Tanner grinned. “No idea at all.”

  “Should keep life interesting.”

  CHAPTER 36

  The rest of the evening wasn’t all that stressful. Jabbob was a pleasant, if dull, host. We had plenty to eat and drink, no scenes, no issues. Slinkie was subdued, but we were probably better off that way.

  Tanner had his chat with Jabbob and, true to expectations, the farmer chose to stay in his dell. We gave reassurances that no one would connect Jabbob with whoever Tanner was pretending to be, and Jabbob seemed to feel the matter was closed.

  Jabbob suggested we play cards after dinner. I knew better than to play for money—because I never lost when money was on the table and I didn’t think taking Jabbob’s credits would be a good idea. But Jabbob’s idea of a thrilling game was War. According to my Great-Aunt Clara, this card game had been around on Old Earth for centuries. Even as a child I’d wondered why a game this dull had lasted throughout the ages. Playing it as a kid had been boring enough—I’d moved to games of skill and chance by the time I was seven. I’d moved to playing for cash when I was nine.

  Playing War as an adult was the equivalent of being slowly tortured to death by boredom. We all played one game that took an hour to complete—Jabbob won. He was thrilled, and suggested another round. The only one of us who seemed able to feign interest in this was Audrey, probably because she had no choice but to sound cheerful about the idea. Even Tanner looked ready to topple over from boredom—I figured it was worse for him, bored in his own mind and in the minds of anyone he could still read in our group.

  We all played another game anyway and I felt parts of my brain die. Jabbob won again and offered another chance for us to win. I mentioned that he’d already managed to win best two out of three and expressed how my ego couldn’t take another trouncing. He seemed to buy it.

  After all this excitement everyone voted for turning in early, so Slinkie and Audrey went to their bedroom and the rest of us went out to the barn. With the dogs. And the donkeys.

  Sleeping in a barn hadn’t sounded that bad until I realized I was going to be sleeping in the same barn the animals were hanging out in. The Governor pulled age rank and demanded to sleep in the tankfloater. I couldn’t object, for a variety of reasons, not the least of which being one of the people I could trust would be in our escape vehicle.

  However, due to the way the tankfloater was set up, the only comfortable sleeping area was the front bench seat. So, only the Governor was going to get to sleep without an animal friend.

  Randolph had no issues with this, for some reason. If it had legs, it didn’t bother him. So, he settled in and soon had most of Jabbob’s dogs snuggled up to him, one big doggy pile in the hay. It was hard to pick him out of the pack, and I could understand why he’d built Audrey—how many non-robotic women wanted to be with a guy who might get flea-dipped by mistake?

  That left me and Tanner with our own hay piles nearer to the donkeys. The idea of getting kicked, sat on, or worse, seemed to occur to both of us. “Think Randolph will mind if we sleep with him?”

  “You feel free. I don’t want to risk one of the dogs taking a dislike to me.”

  Tanner sighed. “Probably wise. I don’t know if Jabbob would feel that was too up close
and personal.”

  “So, how is it that no one in Herion Military has noticed that you’re not a simpleminded potential mass murderer? No one there knew of this guy at all?”

  “Not that I could tell. He did his early duty out in the country.”

  “They have a military base out here?”

  “No. This is considered close in. I’m talking far out.”

  I wasn’t a back to the land type, so I already felt far out. My mind boggled at the idea that Herion had places that would consider Jabbob’s farm to be hustling and too citified. It was also a sharp contrast to Herion’s Spaceport City. Where we had to get back to tomorrow, but in the evening. An unpleasant thought occurred.

  “What is Jabbob going to expect us to do come daybreak?”

  “No idea. The couple of times I’ve come out here to check on him he’s never asked me to do anything. I’ve gotten to sleep in the guestroom then, too.” He sounded disappointed.

  “Nice room?”

  “Nicer than sleeping in the barn, yeah. You think she’ll behave with me not in there?”

  “Slinkie? Yeah. It wasn’t exactly a fun day and you put her over the top. So, how do you two know each other?”

  “We don’t.”

  “Right. That’s why you’re making all those insinuations and innuendos that have her on edge.”

  “I don’t know her, she doesn’t know me. Until today, that is.” He shook his head. “Not telling you, okay? So stop wasting your breath.”

  “Fine.” I knew when a well was dry, at least for the time being. “What’s the story with the armada? And what little did you get on Nitin?”

  “The armada is what you think it is—a pirate armada, following an old plan that worked very well before. I didn’t get a big read, just knew they were coming and going to kill us all—the ship I was on was a fast ship, but the captain and crew weren’t pirate material.”

  “Too law-abiding?”

  “Too anti-authoritarian. Like you.”

  “Good to know I’m dead the moment we meet up with the Pirate King or whoever’s running the show. What about Nitin, what’s his plan?”

  “Nitin wants to take over the galaxy.”

  “Nice plan. What’s he doing cooling his heels on Herion?”

  Tanner gave me a sharp look. “What do you mean by that?”

  I snorted. “C’mon, Tanner. You’re an agent. Nitin’s not Herion-born. That means he’s infiltrated. Maybe like you did, maybe like I’d originally thought you did.”

  “What makes you say he’s not from Herion?”

  “Other than you, he’s the smallest guy I’ve seen in a Herion Military uniform. True, Jabbob is about your size, but he’s a little guy who’s bulked up in the Herion way. You and Nitin both look normal for another planet—muscular without being able to crack Knaboor Greatnuts with your bare hands.”

  “Yeah, okay.” He seemed embarrassed.

  I sighed. “Tanner, you didn’t pay attention to this?”

  “Look, I’ve survived for years on my own. So I didn’t notice that Nitin wasn’t a native. So what?”

  “Defensiveness is an ugly trait.”

  “Yeah? You seem comfortable with it.”

  This was true. “The so what is that the little things you don’t pay attention to can kill you.” I reminded myself that I wasn’t getting attached to the kid, just giving him some pointers so when I dumped him off on Runilio and waved good-bye I wouldn’t feel guilty about it.

  “Fine, I’ll pay more attention to the little things. So, how do you mean he infiltrated like you thought I had?”

  “I figured you were planted about a decade ago, with papers showing you to be Herion-born, then you joined the military all natural-like and without anyone being the wiser. Or having to steal someone’s identity. Not that it wasn’t good initiative.”

  “Thanks. And, that would make sense, I suppose. I don’t know what his story is, though. I got very little before my mind shut him out. But, I can say this—he’s the scariest person I’ve come across in my entire life.”

  CHAPTER 37

  “Scarier than the pirate armada?” Not that it wasn’t possible. I just felt a dozen manned pirate ships outweighed one nasty guy.

  “I’d rather face them than be alone in a room with Nitin.”

  I’d been alone in a room with Nitin. Hadn’t been a big problem. “You think he let me escape?”

  “No. I think he underestimated you in a big way. He’ll never do that again.”

  “Good to know.” I thought about this. “Nitin said my reputation preceded me. That means he knew something about me.”

  “Yeah, you’re the best pilot in the galaxy. Considered dangerously reckless and very adverse to following orders. And Janz the Butcher seems to favor you, which is always a good thing.”

  I wondered if Tanner had figured out who was sleeping in the tankfloater or not, but decided to hope for the best. If the Governor hadn’t panicked when he discovered Tanner was a telepath—and the Governor rarely panicked—then the likelihood was slim. The Governor spent most of his conscious time thinking of himself as the pathetic old geezer I had to take care of, not the crime lord of the galaxy. I hoped Tanner didn’t know—the Governor wouldn’t want the nice young telepath harmed. Janz the Butcher would want him exterminated with extreme prejudice.

  One of the donkeys, the one I thought Jabbob had identified as Ol’ Temper, came over to us now. Despite polite efforts to move him away, he seemed to feel we were on his spot, to the point where he settled himself down right next to me. No amount of shoving or even hitting made an impact—Ol’ Temper was going to sleep in the hay next to me or I was going to move.

  “Maybe we can sleep in the back of the tank,” Tanner said hopefully.

  “Only if you don’t want to get any rest at all. Not a good idea to sleep on top of loaded firearms.”

  “Yeah. I have explosives in there, too.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, really.” He sounded offended. “I keep telling you, I know what I’m doing.”

  “Yeah? Well, then why are we sleeping with a donkey?”

  Tanner looked at me for a long moment. “You have a point.”

  “Well, at least the donkey adds warmth.” No sooner were these words out of my mouth than another donkey came over and settled down next to Tanner. We weren’t snuggled up to each other, but only because we were now both snuggled up to a couple of hooved beasts. “You know, if someone had asked me how I planned to spend tonight, this would never have come to me in about a million years.”

  “Same here.”

  “So, can you read animal minds?” I wasn’t that interested, but it was something to discuss other than how we were bunking with the burros when where I wanted to bunk was with Slinkie. Plus there was light in the barn, presumably to keep the animals happy. It was going to make sleeping difficult. More difficult than it was already going to be.

  “Not really. I could if I worked at it, just no interest. They don’t think like humans, so it’s harder. I’ve heard there are a couple of telepaths out there who can and do, but I don’t know them.”

  “Big community? The telepathic one, I mean.”

  “Not really, no. We don’t mingle with each other.”

  “Why not?”

  “Most of us are in some form of espionage. Doesn’t pay to hang out. Plus, there’s the one-upmanship and the stress of wondering if they can read you better than you can read them. Not fun.”

  “Too bad. If you guys organized, you could take over the galaxy.”

  “Supposedly. But it’s not as easy as you think. Organizing or taking over.”

  “The pirates are trying to do just that.” I pondered this. “Think they have a telepath with them?”

  “No. I think they’ve got something better.”

  “Oh? What would that be?”

  Tanner looked right at me. “I think they’ve got someone like you, but who wants to run things, instead of work around
and outside of them.”

  CHAPTER 38

  “Interesting concept.” Someone like me? Truly, was that possible? I had to admit that, in the huge galaxy, it might be. I didn’t like the idea. I was, as I’d heard a lot, one of a kind. I liked it that way.

  Tanner shook his head. “Only if it helps you figure out how to survive against him. Because we’re going back into space and we’ll run right into that armada.”

  “How can you be so sure?”

  He shrugged. “They want your ship. And since you escaped from them the first time, they want you. Probably want you dead, but maybe recruited.”

  “Oh yeah? What happened to the captain who got you here?”

  Tanner was silent for a few moments. “He was murdered on Herion, about two weeks after we landed.”

  “Huh. Do you know who happened to kill him?”

  “Yeah. The Land League. The same people who tried to rig your ship to explode if you left the planet.”

  “Wonderful. So, I guess they don’t want to hire me to get rid of the pirate armada.” At least someone didn’t want me to get involved.

  “No. I figure they want to kill you. It’s one of the reasons we’re hiding out here.”

  “You sure Jabbob isn’t part of the Land League?”

  Tanner closed his eyes and I could tell he was concentrating. “No, he’s not. Or if he is, it’s not something he’s thinking about in relation to any of us.”

  “I thought you said you couldn’t read someone if you knew them well.” I wondered if I was going to have to kill this kid after all.

  He shook his head. “I can’t. But, in the same way that I lose the ability to read someone the more I like or dislike them, if I don’t feel much of anything towards them, they remain readable. It’s a little harder, but not impossible.”

  “So, you took this guy’s identity and you seem protective of him, but you don’t like or loathe him?”

  Tanner looked embarrassed. “I guess. I mean… there’s not very much there to like or dislike. He’s as simple as he seems.”