Alexander Outland: Space Pirate

by G. J. Koch

  “You were afraid of them when you spotted them in space.” I could see Spaceport City in the near distance. At least the roads would be better. And we had a full charge on the tankfloater, thanks to Jabbob. So, we could always fly away and crash into something else if need be.

  “Good point.” Tanner shook his head. “Who names the people around here?”

  “It’s like you read my mind.” He shot me a hurt look. “You know, kid, you’re going to have to get a sense of humor about your telepathy. At least, if you want to survive with us for even the shortest length of time.”

  “I suppose.” He stiffened. “Don’t go in via the main road!”

  CHAPTER 41

  I didn’t question or argue. We were at the main intersection leading into Spaceport City and I turned calmly to the right, meaning we were going to take the scenic, perimeter drive. “What’s going on?”

  “They’re looking for us. Well, for you.” Tanner concentrated. “Oh, droppings. They think you’ve kidnapped me, or worse.”

  “Because you’re missing?”

  “Yeah. I’m sorry. It didn’t occur to me.”

  “Kid, the little details? When do you actually pay attention to them?”

  He looked at his hands. “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay. It happens. We’ll work on it. So, is all of Herion Military out after us?”

  “Yeah, pretty much. They don’t know we’re in this vehicle, though.”

  I pondered while we drove in a very law-abiding manner. “Who are you reading?”

  “Grunts I don’t really know. The ones at the main entry point.”

  Pondered some more. “Okay, we can use this to our advantage.” “How?” This was chorused by all the vehicle’s occupants, Audrey included. She was coming along fast, I had to give her that. Add in expression and some skin, and she’d be a real woman without a challenge. Couldn’t wait. Two of them, nagging, demanding, causing interpersonal issues. Oh, yes, the next flight would be a joy in more ways than one.

  “We’re going to continue to let Herion Military think we’ve kidnapped Tanner. What’s the name you’re using for them, by the way?” He did his mumble thing. “Tanner? We all agree—Herion names are stupid. But since it’s not your real name, and is, most likely, Jabbob’s real name, just tell us.”

  He heaved a sigh. “Percy Almondinger.”

  The silence was amazing. I wondered if this name would cause them all to shut up any other time. Like, if I actually wanted to hear myself think, could I shout out “Percy Almondinger!” and have them all go silent? Possibly worth a shot.

  I looked at his uniform. “And, your rank would mean they call you… Captain Almondinger?”

  “Or other things.” Tanner rubbed his head.

  “I think I understand why Jabbob is a simmering psychopath.”

  “Yeah. Then again, on this planet, who knows?” Tanner looked around. “I really hate it here.”

  “It’s not that much different from Aviatus.”

  Both Tanner and Slinkie snorted. “Right, Nap,” she said, derision clear.

  “You left for a reason, Slink.”

  She didn’t answer. I watched Tanner out of the corner of my eyes. He looked like he was trying not to laugh.

  “Shut up,” Slinkie muttered. I got the impression she was speaking to Tanner.

  “Where are we headed?” I asked, as much to change the subject as to have a destination. One that hopefully wouldn’t result in our immediate capture.

  “No idea. Just not into Herion Military hands. Keep on going on the perimeter. They think we’re still inside the city itself.”

  We drove on for a bit when another thought occurred. “What’s the Land League’s game?”

  “What do you mean? They’re crazed maniacs. They don’t want anyone going into space because of the armada.” Tanner shook his head. “They tried to blow up your ship, remember?”

  “Did you mind scan any of them?”

  “No. I was too busy saving you from termination. Sorry. I’ll focus on the little details more next time.”

  “Kid, the sarcasm, is it really necessary? I was just asking.”

  “Why?” Slinkie sounded suspicious.

  “Because I’m wondering who the Land League is working for.”

  “Oh, come on, Nap.” Randolph chuckled. “Not everyone is working for some crime syndicate or something. They’re just… passionate about their cause.”

  “Right. What is their cause, exactly? Keeping people on the planet? Sounds great, except that it’s causing major economic issues.”

  “So? Maybe that’s part of what they want. A return to the land.” Randolph, for some reason, didn’t seem anti the people who’d tried to ice the Sixty-Nine. Either getting intimate with a Sexbot really did things to his mind, or he hadn’t felt the threat was that potent. Him being understanding about some insane cause was normal. Him being easygoing about anything threatening the Sixty-Nine, on the other hand, wasn’t.

  “Randolph, what kind of bombs did the Land League plant on the ship?”

  “Oh, nothing much, really, Nap. They would have caused us a couple of issues, but they wouldn’t have destroyed the ship. Worst would have been we’d be a little inconvenienced.”

  “Describe the inconvenience.”

  “They were focused on the hyper-drives. Might have made it hard to do a system jump, but not much more.”

  I was driving, so I didn’t close my eyes. But I wanted to. I ran the mantra I’d been using for half my life through my head a few more times—he’s an idiot but he’s also a mechanical genius. “Governor?”

  “Yes, Alexander, I agree.”

  “Me, too,” Slinkie said.

  “Agree with what?” Tanner sounded confused.

  Well, good as time as any for the kid to show what level of support he was going to bring to the game. “Think about it, Tanner. And then tell me what you think it we’re agreeing with each other about.”

  Tanner was quiet for a few minutes while I drove around and tried to figure out how I was going to get Randolph and Audrey back to the Sixty-Nine, right now, without getting caught.

  “Do you think all the bombs were found?” Tanner asked finally.

  “Good one. No. I think there are a lot of things on my ship right now I don’t want there. However, there’s more.”

  “You think the Land League is working for something other than their stated goals, got that. But—”

  “Tanner, you’re a spy. Think like one.”

  He was quiet for another few minutes. I used the time to run all my alternative scenarios. They all came back to one thing—it was going to take time to fix the ship, and that meant I had to buy us some. I hated those kinds of conclusions.

  “You think the Land League’s working for the pirate armada, don’t you?”

  “Finally. Glad to know you’re not an idiot, kid. But, not quite. I think the Land League is part of the armada, Lucky Pierre’s boys on the ground, so to speak.”

  “Why?” Randolph didn’t sound convinced. Shocker.

  “Because the captain who escaped the armada before us is dead, murdered by the Land League. I’m betting he was approached to join the Ticklers, declined, and was killed to ensure a variety of things. The Business Bureau’s being hurt by the armada, maybe they’d tried to hire this captain like they’re planning to hire me. Another reason to kill him. He wasn’t going to join up, and he had the skills to escape, so get rid of him.”

  “His ship was confiscated.” Tanner sounded thoughtful. “By Nitin’s side of things, by the way.”

  “Interesting.” I added that to my pile of fun Herion facts. “So, is Nitin in on it with them all, or running his own game?”

  “No idea,” Tanner said.

  “I’d bet money on both, Alexander.” Wonderful. The Governor only bet on sure things.

  “Perfect. So, we need to get Randolph, Audrey, and some of this serious firepower over and into the Sixty-Nine, pronto.”

&nb
sp; “Why, Nap?” Randolph was still not quite on the same page with the rest of us.

  “Because the Captain fears the ship is compromised. I have run diagnostics, Captain. If there are bombs we did not detect, they aren’t traditional in nature.”

  “Maybe not bombs, Audrey. Maybe something broken or missing, something extra added on. They’ve got stuff on my ship that’s going to make us unable to escape the armada the moment we’re out of Herion’s air space.”

  “I may not be able to detect those, Captain.”

  “Randolph will spot anything you miss.”

  “Thanks, Nap.” Randolph sounded quite flattered. “It’s nice of you to say so.”

  “It’s also true. Which means we have to sneak the two of you back to the spaceport, because if they know you’re there, you’re arrested or worse. And we can’t leave until the ship’s fixed, cleaned and cleared.”

  “We will need several hours, Captain.”

  “I’m sure. What we need most, though, is a workable plan to get you both there safely while keeping the rest of us undetected and out of prison.”

  Everyone was quiet. Thinking, I hoped. Then again, maybe they were napping. Hard to be sure sometimes.

  Tanner broke the silence. “I think I have an idea.”

  CHAPTER 42

  “This is the stupidest idea I’ve ever had to put into action.

  It’s also the most disgusting.” Slinkie was managing to snarl while smiling. It was one of the skills she’d mastered well before I’d ever met her.

  “So far, it’s working.” So far, it was. How long it would continue to work, I had no guess.

  We’d ended up driving all around the perimeter of Spaceport City to leave the tankfloater with the Governor on the part of the road that backed both the spaceport and, conveniently, the refuse plant. The smell wasn’t too bad on the road, because the wind was blowing into the city. Unfortunately, the rest of us were now in the city.

  We’d snuck into the city by way of the refuse plant. Nice to come full circle. Tanner had used his telepathic skills and been able to lead us to where the workers kept their hazard uniforms, and we’d all snagged suits that at least sort of fit. The beauty of these things were that we looked like a complement of refuse workers on a mission. The downside was that the hazard uniforms apparently weren’t cleaned a lot. We stank. To the outer reaches of space, at least as far as it seemed from the inside.

  “It’s not my fault that each worker has their own nose plugs.” Tanner seemed to have mastered hissing while smiling. They taught interesting skills on Aviatus.

  Everyone other than Audrey had their face shields up, because they were smoked and it was hard to see out of them. We each carried a laser pistol and a small case of explosives, inside cases made for some kind of sewage tools. I really didn’t want to know, I just hoped I wouldn’t have to take off a glove to fire anything that had been inside the cases.

  We had our story—checking out the spaceport in case the tank rupture had caused problems there. If we were told another team was already handling that, we’d just say they’d called for backup, which should have the double effect of causing our questioner to race for the hills, since the only time these folks called for backup was when the crap was up to their knees. We could prove this by our borrowed suits.

  Since the hazard uniforms were an orange not found in nature on any inhabited planet, including Thurge and Runilio, we weren’t exactly inconspicuous. Which was okay, since no one in Spaceport City wanted to get up close and personal with anyone in a refuse hazard uniform, including Herion Military.

  We were given wide berth as we made our way purposefully from the refuse plant to the maintenance entrance of the spaceport. I could see the benefits of having Tanner along now—he wouldn’t be useful if he knew the people, but we were going past strangers, and he could read them easily. He used their thoughts to find the back entrance, get us the security codes, and avoid anyone who could cause us problems. It was one of the easier infiltrations we’d ever done. I kept on waiting for the hammer to drop on us, but we made it to the Sixty-Nine’s bay without issue.

  “I don’t want these suits on the Sixty-Nine.”

  “Agree with you there, Nap.” Randolph sounded like he was trying to talk without breathing in or out.

  “How can we get Randolph and Audrey out of their suits? Especially since Audrey is carrying a lot of firepower?” Slinkie was doing better at the not breathing as much thing than Randolph, but not all that well.

  Tanner closed his eyes. “There’re a lot of people in here. Randolph possibly no big deal, but they’ll notice Audrey for sure.”

  Sometimes I did wonder why I ever expected anyone else to do the real thinking. “Um, gang? Slinkie, Tanner and I are going to create diversions while Randolph and Audrey do the get out of stinky town thing.”

  “Keep the suits nearby, though,” Tanner said quickly. “Just in case.”

  “In case we want to kill someone via their sense of smell?” Randolph could, occasionally, match Slinkie for sarcastic inflection.

  “In case you have to hide or run or something.” Tanner sounded as exasperated as I felt. Maybe the kid was going to work out. No. I was not getting attached. Sure, I was letting him come along, but that was pity, not liking or friendship. No friendship. None.

  “So, I’m thinking we spread out, and politely explain that we fear a rupture in this part of the spaceport.”

  “Should work.” Tanner looked at Slinkie. “You need to do your best to sound as little like a woman as possible.”

  “Why is that?” Slinkie was snarling again, but this time with no smile attached.

  Tanner shook his head. “Have you ever met a Herion female reclamation worker? It’s not considered a feminine job at all, and the women who normally go for this line of work make Lionside look like a spindle-beetle. If you don’t sound tough and unattractive, you’ll blow our cover. They are looking for us, let’s please remember.”

  Slinkie looked like she wanted to argue. “Slink, really, the kid’s got a point.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Fine.”

  “Drop your voice. I mean it.” Tanner sounded worried.

  Slinkie sighed and gave it a go. “How’s this?” Her voice was deeper, but she sounded ridiculous.

  “Maybe Slinkie should stay here and guard Randolph, Audrey and the ship.”

  “I can do it, you little hatchling!”

  “Look, I’m not trying to insult you. It’s not exactly terrible that you can’t sound like a sewage plant worker.”

  “The kid has another point, Slink. I, for one, would prefer to hear only the melodious sounds of your real voice.”

  “Oh, stow it, Nap. Fine, Tanner gets to win. I’ll stay here and look smelly.”

  “Should be able to do that fast asleep, considering.”

  She gave me a dirty look. “Yeah. I can only imagine how long it’s going to take to get this stench off us.”

  “I’ll shower with you, I promise. The time will fly by.”

  Tanner coughed. “We really want to get moving.”

  “Yeah, not that I couldn’t stand here all day and stare at the little part of your face that I can see, Slink.”

  “Please, just hurry up. I think the insides of my nostrils are burning.” Slinkie didn’t sound like she was kidding.

  “Mine, too,” Randolph offered.

  “I cannot smell like humans do, Captain, but I can detect odors, and we are frightful. I will do my best to ensure the air filtration system is not contaminated.”

  “Throw in some air freshener while you’re at it, Audrey.”

  “The strongest you can find,” Tanner added.

  “I can’t wait to hear the Governor complain about this,” Slinkie muttered.

  “Well, then, I guess the kid and I had better go divert, or we may not get that pleasure.”

  “True enough,” Tanner said urgently. “Herion Military is heading this way.”

  CHAPTER 43
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  I thought fast. “Tanner, choose a ship, any ship, far enough away from the Sixty-Nine not to contaminate her or have the others easily seen, and rupture sewage there. Use explosives if you can do it without getting covered in yuck yourself. The moment you do it, start shouting about how we have a tank about to blow.”

  He closed his eyes. “Good. There’s enough people around, I should be able to figure out how.” He zipped off.

  “What are you going to do, Nap?” Slinkie sounded worried and suspicious.

  “I’m going to go sound all worried and official.”

  “What good will that do?” Randolph asked.

  “I’ll dazzle and confuse the military goons, distracting them until Tanner can cause the refuse explosion. Then I’ll just shout a lot and send everyone running.”

  “We’re doomed.” Slinkie and Randolph got that one out in unison again. I started to wonder if they’d been practicing.

  However, pondering their mutual lack of faith would have to wait. I spotted military uniforms and that meant it was time for the Outland Charm and Bedazzlement to work its legendary magic once again.

  I strode over. Happily, none of their faces looked familiar. Hopefully this meant they’d never seen my face, either. “Officers, can we help you?”

  They stopped coming towards me and, to a man, backed up a step. I started to appreciate the stench. “Yes,” the one who was apparently in charge replied. “We received a report that there was unauthorized activity in the spaceport.”

  “Can’t say. I can say that we’re worried about more ruptures.” They all took another step back. “Sewage ruptures?” The guy in charge looked about Tanner’s age, and the rest with him looked younger. Military on every planet tended to leave the crap jobs to the younger grunts. Which was good for me.

  “Of course sewage ruptures! What do I look like, a pilot?”