Alexander Outland: Space Pirate

by G. J. Koch

  Slinkie reached up and felt my forehead. “Are you okay?” Now she looked worried.

  “Thanks. And I feel fine. Kind of confused, but fine.”

  “I don’t think it was a comment on your abilities, Nap. I heard the girls while I was waiting for you—they all seemed impressed. But, like Suzie said, they like fresh meat.” She still looked worried. Wow, Slinkie was trying to reassure me about my sexual abilities? Maybe this being a gentleman thing was worth it.

  “I’m not confused about that, Slink. And, trust me, if you want me to pursue because this is the exact moment when you want to finally admit the truth, I’m good with it. I just sort of thought us smelling like the bottom of the biggest bird cage in the galaxy was going to be a turn-off for you.”

  “Well, it’s not exactly a turn-on, I’ll give you that.” We went into the baths. “Um, I guess, yeah, I’ll go first then.” She was looking at me out of the sides of her eyes. She seemed shy, which was odd, because Slinkie wasn’t really the shy type.

  “You know, Tanner doesn’t really look like most Aviatian males I’ve ever seen.” This wasn’t my standard romantic comment, but it had been nagging at me for a while, the girls fawning all over him had brought it to the fore, and Slinkie being shy was making me feel funny.

  “He’s not a pure-blood.” Slinkie said this like it was obvious.

  “You sure? I mean, clearly the girls think he’s attractive.”

  “He is attractive. I’m sure he’s from Aviatus and I’m also sure he’s got some other planet’s genetics mixed in, since he’s also very cute.”

  “Really? Tanner is cute?” I guessed so. I mean, cuter than Randolph was a given. “Cuter than me?”

  “You’re not cute, Nap.”

  I wasn’t? I checked the mirror. Still me, no disfigurement. “What do you mean?” I tried not to sound hurt of offended.

  Slinkie laughed. “You’re handsome, Nap. Okay? Tanner’s cute, you’re handsome. Feel better?”

  “A little.” A lot. “So, um, go ahead and bathe and I’ll wait here.” I looked around. There were lockers, a couple of mirrors, and a lot of hard, uncomfortable benches. “Better yet, I’ll keep watch.”

  “Thank goodness you’re the leader and all. Because one of us being on watch while the other two were naked and unarmed would never have occurred to me.”

  “Sarcasm is such an ugly trait, Slink. You do make it look good, though.”

  “Thanks. Nap?”

  “Yes?”

  “Get out now.”

  “You sure? I mean, if you want me to scrub your back or anything, I’m willing.”

  “Now that I know you’re okay? Yes. Fly off.” Slinkie looked like whatever had been wrong was all better now. Clearly, she liked my pursuing her.

  I wandered out and checked the place over. I figured the girls were going to have to do a lot of air freshening once we were gone, but I assumed they’d be up to it.

  All doors securely locked. I slid chairs under any outer doors, other than the front. The front door was thick glass and even the stupidest military goon would wonder why a chair was under the handle. The door opened in, so I jammed in a doorstop. Sure, it was actually a bar of expensive soap they sold for customers to take home, but it was the right shape and would do in this particular pinch.

  Checked the phones. Did what the Governor had taught me and used an intergalactic law enforcement code to verify the last calls in and out. Nothing out for the past couple of hours, the only incoming calls were from some people cancelling appointments due to the sewage issue. We’d really made our mark on Herion this trip.

  Did another night watchman once over of the place. No one hiding out. I slipped into the women’s area and checked to make sure no one was hiding in the locker room or other areas. All safe and secure. I heard a lot of noises coming from the bathing area. Did a fast check, just in case. Tanner seemed fine. And like he was about to “have a moment.” I decided I didn’t need to watch that. Ever.

  Wandered through again. Still no intruders. The reading matter was both uninteresting and I couldn’t safely turn the lights on outside of the baths themselves. Due to my overriding concern that Slinkie could slip and hurt herself, I went back to the men’s baths.

  I was a pro at spying on Slinkie while she was bathing. Oh, sure, I couldn’t manage it every time, but I got in my share. Since she knew it, I had to figure she liked it. Ergo, she would probably be hurt if I didn’t take the opportunity here and now. Women were touchy about odd things, after all.

  Therefore, my going in would be the right thing to do. Right? Of course right.

  I was prepared to see a lot of things. Slinkie lathering herself up. Slinkie covered in bubbles. Slinkie walking out of the water like a goddess.

  What I wasn’t prepared for was to see no Slinkie at all. I’d just come from the locker room. The only other in and out option was the staff door. I pulled my laser gun and moved quietly through the bath area. I had to be careful—there was a lot of water spread around the floor. This boded, and not well.

  Slipped and slid over to the staff door. From what I remembered, this room connected to the women’s baths and the front desk area, so the girls could easily get in and out to give their patrons what they needed.

  I opened the door, gun leading the way. Moved into the room. Floor was still wet, but not as bad as by the baths. I heard a sound around the corner, where the towels were stored. I steeled myself for whatever I was going to be facing and moved around the corner. “Freeze!”

  “Aviatian’s Nest, Nap!” Slinkie was standing there, towel around her head, one around her waist, one clutched to her chest.

  “Who’s got you?” I looked around. Didn’t see anyone, but they were clearly pretty damned tricky to have avoided me all this time.

  “No one.”

  I looked at her expression. Maybe she was trying to give me a sign. “You sure?” I gave her a slow nod.

  She stared at me. “I’m back to wondering if you’re feeling okay.” She was trying to protect me. Sweet. She was the Chief of Security, after all. But my job was to take care of her, in all ways, if I could swing it. And saving her from the latest goon would have to add on some points in my favor.

  I moved fast, grabbed her, and flung her behind me. “It’s okay, Slink, I’m here.”

  “Nap, seriously, I’m worried. Did you get some of that sewage inside you or something?”

  I moved forward and checked the rest of the rooms. No one. Ran back to Slinkie. “We need to move, he’s probably going for Tanner next.”

  Slinkie grabbed me before I could head for the women’s baths. “Nap, seriously, there’s no one here.” She was starting to sound close to hysterical. “I forgot to take a towel. I got out and looked for one, got cold, got back in the water. I did that a few times before I saw the staff door. When we were here, the towels were out where patrons could get them easily. That’s all.”

  “Slinkie, does he have a gun on us, is that it?”

  “Alexander Napoleon Outland, will you listen to me?” She sounded just like Great-Aunt Clara—angry, annoyed and all business. That tone of voice I was trained to focus on.

  “Yes. Did he hurt you?”

  “Nap, there is no ‘he’!” She grabbed my shoulders and shook me.

  “Will you snap out of it? There’s no one here but us!”

  I snapped. Mostly because, in order to shake my shoulders, Slinkie had dropped her towel.

  CHAPTER 47

  I stared. I’d seen them before, but never quite this up close and personal. Slinkie truly had the greatest rack in, quite possibly, the galaxy. “Jiggly.” I wasn’t much for coherency at the moment.

  “What?” Slinkie looked confused, looked down, let go of my shoulders and attempted to cover up with her hands and arms. “Stop staring at me.” This was hissed. Didn’t matter. She was actually sexier trying to cover up than when she’d just been standing there.

  “Ahhh… can’t….” I couldn’t. Literall
y. My eyes refused to look elsewhere. The rest of me was suggesting that the towel around her waist hadn’t looked all that secure. I managed to stop myself from grabbing at it, or any part of her, but only because I was too busy staring at her.

  “Get undressed.” She was back to all business. That was fine. If being in charge was what she wanted, who was I to argue?

  I stripped fast, eyes still riveted to her chest. Slinkie waited until I was naked. “Nice necklace. One of your many give it to you?”

  “Huh?” I looked down. Right, still had that milky disk thing of Nitin’s. I would have explained, but I was naked standing next to Slinkie. Seemed like the wrong time.

  She took my hand and led me to the bathing pool. Slinkie sighed. “This is for your own good.” Then she shoved me into the water.

  By the time I surfaced, she’d tossed soap and a variety of other cleaning materials into the water with me and was picking up my clothes. “I’m going to get these into the speed-clean. Be right back.” Maybe she just wanted me not to stink. I could understand that.

  Soap and bath oils, shampoo and more shampoo, getting the stench off took a while. In that time, I remained alone. I was starting to prune all over my body when Slinkie finally came back—fully dressed, hair dried, carrying my clothes and a couple of towels. The towels she left on a dry spot at the edge of the bathing pool. My clothes she dumped off in the locker room. “I’ll be on watch.” Then she stalked out.

  Okay, maybe staring at her chest had lost me some points. But I didn’t see how she could blame me. She’d dropped the towel, not me.

  Dried off, got dressed. Didn’t stink, so that was one for the win column. Checked on Tanner. He still seemed amazingly occupied. Found Slinkie sitting in the waiting room. “Aren’t you worried someone will spot you out here?”

  “Well, I could have waited in the towel room, but then you’d probably have accused me of hiding all of Herion Military in there or something.” She wasn’t looking at me.

  “I wasn’t accusing you of hiding anyone! I thought you’d been attacked or taken as a hostage or something. I was trying to protect you.”

  “Right.” She didn’t sound angry, she sounded hurt. And she still wasn’t looking at me.

  “You know, precedent for this trip is that you’re a kidnap victim. I count at least twice that I know about.”

  “Whatever.” She examined her fingernails.

  Fine. I could spot a brush-off when it wasn’t looking me in the eyes. “Oh, I get it. If it had been Bryant coming to save you, that would have been great. But it was me. I only have impure motives, I don’t care about you at all. I’m not Mister Name of Kings. No problem. I’ll leave you and your fantasy alone. In fact, if you hate flying with me so much, why don’t you ask Lionside for clemency when you meet up with him tonight? I’m sure he’ll find a way to keep you safely out of Herion prison.” I spun on my heel and left.

  Not that I had much of anywhere to go. Couldn’t go outside, couldn’t go into the women’s baths, since the girls had been pretty clear that exclusivity was their word for the day. I could either stand around in the staff area or go into the men’s locker room and sit on a hard bench. Opted for the bench because I figured I could hit a locker if I really needed to blow off some anger.

  I sat on the bench that was the furthest away from the main area and stewed. What had I done? I’d tried to take care of her and it had made her mad. I had to figure she just hadn’t been as aroused when I’d kissed her as I’d been. Nowhere close, obviously. She just wanted me to want her, but not do anything about it. Fine. There were plenty of other girls in the galaxy. I knew. I’d slept with half of them.

  Considered kicking or hitting something, but at the last moment experience waved and reminded me that this led to broken toes and bruised knuckles, and almost never made the rest of me feel any better, either.

  I heard a sound behind me but didn’t bother to turn around. “Nap?” Slinkie’s voice was soft. “I’m sorry.”

  “No problem. It’s been great flying with you. Enjoy life as Missus Lionside.”

  I heard her sigh. “Nap, you’re such an idiot.”

  “Thanks. Great parting shot, Slink. Sorry, all I can come up with is ‘you’re gorgeous’. You win.”

  Her arms slid around my waist and she leaned her head against my back. “At first I thought you were sick and then I thought you were making fun of me and then I thought it was just an elaborate ruse so you could see me naked.”

  “Because I do that all the time. And I feel fine.” Well, I felt like I belonged in the sewage tank, but I wasn’t ill.

  “Well, yeah, you tease me a lot. And I know you spy on me in the shower. All the time,” she added dryly.

  “When have I ever run in with a gun drawn as a joke?”

  She sighed again. I could feel her chest move against my back. My lower body mentioned that the rest of me should pay attention and not cause her to stop. “Never. Nap, I’m sorry. It’s just been a long couple of days.”

  “Yeah. So, seriously, you’re ready to stay here with Lionside, aren’t you?”

  Another sigh, another happy moment for my lower body. The rest of me didn’t feel nearly as good. “No, you moron. He’s okay, but I’m not in love with him. I’m flirting with him to get information and to keep us safe. You’re the one who insisted I make a date with him, if you’d care to recall.”

  “Yeah.” I was an idiot, clearly.

  Slinkie hugged me. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

  “What makes you think my feelings are hurt? I’m great.”

  She chuckled, which my lower body said was as acceptable as her sighing. “You’re just like a cat right now. Keeping your back turned to me because you’re mad.” Slinkie hugged me again and snuggled closer. My lower body asked if it would be possible to turn around and move her into my lap.

  “Okay. Maybe my feelings are a little hurt.”

  “I liked kissing you.”

  “My feelings are crushed beyond belief.”

  She laughed. “I really liked kissing you.”

  “I may have to commit suicide, my feelings are so badly shattered.”

  “Oh, no. Maybe I should kiss you once more.”

  I used the patented Outland Flip which moved Slinkie from my back into said lap in a matter of moments. “I don’t know, what if it doesn’t help?”

  She gave me the dove-look. “Then I’ll just have to kiss you again.”

  CHAPTER 48

  My Great-Aunt Clara always said the third time was the charm. I don’t know what she thought that meant, or why she felt it was good advice to impart, but I had to admit that kissing Slinkie for the third time gave me hope that I might have a real shot with her.

  Kiss number three certainly had a lot going for it. Slinkie’s arms were around my neck, she was snuggled in my lap, and we were alone. Already a huge improvement over the prior two kisses. The floor was clean, and besides, we could always take another bath, this time together.

  I was about to shift us to the floor when I heard a loud banging. I considered ignoring it, but it was persistent. It was also familiar. I’d heard banging like this many times in the past.

  We pulled apart. “What’s your guess—Herion Military, jealous boyfriends, or the Business Bureau?”

  Slinkie stood up. “The way our luck’s running on this rock? All three.”

  “Yeah, that’s what I figured. You get Tanner, I’ll hold whoever it is off.”

  “Be careful, I don’t think we have a lot of escape options from here.”

  “Oh, we can always run back to the sewage plant.”

  Slinkie snorted and ran off towards the women’s bath. I pulled my trusty laser gun again and headed for the back door.

  There was no window for the back, either in the wall or the door, so I was sort of stuck. I was also glad I’d shoved a chair under, because whoever was outside was trying to force their way in, and the chair was helping. It wasn’t going to last forever,
but at least it gave me a little time to think.

  I took the risk and ran to the front. No one at the front door. I took more risk and went up to it. No one I could see, at least no one who appeared remotely threatening. There were people out there, but no one was acting in a way that would indicate they were part of the military, the Business Bureau, or even noticed the bath house was here.

  Experience had taught me how to spot the official lurkers, those trying too hard to look casual, and there weren’t any of them out front, either. So, whoever it was wanted to keep a reasonably low profile. That probably let out Herion Military.

  I went back to the rear door. The pounding was still going on. Slinkie ran up. “Tanner and the girls are getting dressed. The girls insist they don’t have friends or relatives who would be doing the jealous boyfriend act.”

  “That leaves the Business Bureau.”

  “No,” Tanner said as he skidded to a stop next to us, boots and pants on, shirt and jacket on but not buttoned, gun belts over his shoulder. “We have to go, right now!” He grabbed me and Slinkie, and headed us to the front door. The girls were already there.

  Suzie pulled at the door. “It’s stuck!”

  “Tanner, button up.” I reached down and pulled out my impromptu doorstop. “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

  Suzie jerked the door open and she and the other girls fled. “Take the kisses goodbye for granted,” she called over her shoulder.

  Tanner grabbed me and Slinkie and dragged us out after them. “Run. Head for the sewage plant.” He took off, we went after him.

  “What about the explosives?”

  “I have them, Nap.” Slinkie handed me one case. “Tanner has his guns, I have the extras.” I took a couple off her hands.

  “What’s going on?” I called to Tanner, who was still ahead of us, but not by too much.

  No sooner were the words out of my mouth than there was a huge explosion from behind us. We were all knocked to the ground. I scrambled to my feet and pulled Slinkie up. Tanner grabbed the explosives case from her. “Keep running!” He took off again.