Daring Hearts: Fearless Fourteen Boxed Set

by Box Set

  * * *

  “We can share,” he says.

  “I don’t mind.”

  115

  “I DON’T MIND EITHER.”

  I can’t believe I said that,

  I think after

  I’m settled next to Trevor on the couch.

  * * *

  I’m not touching him, but

  I desperately want to hold his hand.

  * * *

  I can’t believe he didn’t say something like,

  “Are you saying you like me?

  Want to sit next to me?

  Hold my hand?”

  * * *

  But he’d simply held the blanket aside until

  I sat next to him.

  Then he tossed it over my legs and

  Let me take as much as I wanted.

  * * *

  I’m calculating how much time we have to be alone when

  He leans toward me.

  “This movie always makes me cry,” he whispers.

  * * *

  “I know,” I say without turning.

  “I’ve watched this with you before.”

  * * *

  “Really?” he asks.

  “I don’t remember.”

  * * *

  “Yeah.”

  I turn toward him.

  “Remember we watched it after—”

  * * *

  He raises his arm and

  Gently pulls me forward him until

  I’m cradled against his chest.

  “Ah, now I remember.

  We used to watch a lot of movies like this.”

  * * *

  His heartbeat is galloping,

  A gentle bumping against my cheek.

  * * *

  Don’t think, just react.

  I smile and

  Slide my arm around his waist.

  * * *

  “I don’t know what’s changed with you,” he says real quiet so

  He won’t wake Rose, or

  Maybe so he won’t scare me away.

  “But I’m not complaining.”

  * * *

  “I’m trying to find my way back.”

  * * *

  “I know, but

  What’s changed?

  Two weeks ago,

  You said I had no chance with you, and

  Now you’re letting me hold your hand and

  I’m thinking I could probably kiss you and

  You’d let me do that too.”

  * * *

  My lips tingle just thinking about kissing him.

  “Um,” I say.

  “I’m working through some stuff, and

  Jacey said I should just react and

  Stop thinking so much.”

  * * *

  “Jacey is so smart,” he says with a chuckle.

  116

  I HAD A FUN TIME AT THE MOVIES WITH MY MOM.

  I stare at the fresh journal page,

  Completely shocked that I’m writing again.

  I haven’t written in a journal since

  Trevor and I broke up.

  * * *

  But I did have a good time at the movies with

  Mom and

  Rose.

  * * *

  We got popcorn and

  Sodas.

  After, Rose got her way, and

  Mom bought ice cream.

  * * *

  Mom laughed,

  Hugged Rose, and

  Smiled at me like she used to before

  I discovered her affair with Darren Youngblood.

  * * *

  I still blame her for leaving us and

  Going off to live with Darren, but

  I’m starting to realize now that

  She didn’t replace us with a new family,

  That she isn’t perfect, but

  That she…loves us.

  * * *

  That she loves me.

  117

  TREVOR IS UNREASONABLY HAPPY TODAY,

  Jacey texts on Monday during her lunch.

  * * *

  Me: So?

  * * *

  Jacey: You better tell me everything.

  Right now.

  I know you’re hiding something.

  * * *

  I’ve been holding onto the secret of

  Trevor, of

  Holding his hand, of

  Listening to the beat of his heart instead of

  Listening to the movie.

  I hadn’t even cried like I usually do, because

  I’d been so happy with Trevor.

  * * *

  Me: Okay, fine.

  I may have held his hand last weekend, and

  We may have watched a movie together on Friday.

  * * *

  Jacey: !!!

  Gotta go,

  Come get me after school.

  * * *

  Me: Don’t make a big deal out of this.

  I’m just reacting,

  Like you suggested.

  * * *

  Jacey doesn’t answer, because

  She’s in class.

  * * *

  I flip my phone over,

  Thinking about everything’s that changed since

  I started shooting him.

  * * *

  Because of him,

  I’m taking pictures again, and

  I love it.

  * * *

  Because of him,

  I’ve forgiven my mom—

  Just a little bit—

  But still.

  * * *

  Because of him,

  I’m contemplating taking a picture of myself so

  I can see who I really am,

  How I really feel.

  * * *

  I thumb the camera on and

  See myself staring at the screen.

  * * *

  I quickly tap the shutter button, and

  The camera clicks.

  118

  “I HATE MY HAIR,”

  I mutter.

  * * *

  I’ve never realized it until now,

  Staring at myself on

  The screen of my phone.

  * * *

  I see myself in the mirror all the time, and

  I’ve cut my hair this way on purpose.

  * * *

  But looking at myself in this cheap,

  Phone-taken

  Picture,

  I realize

  I hate my hair.

  119

  “LET’S TRY AGAIN.”

  I navigate back to the camera, and

  This time,

  I try to smile.

  120

  “I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.”

  I can’t smile right.

  It feels wrong,

  Like I’ve forgotten how to do it because

  It’s been so long since I’ve tried—or

  Had a reason to smile.

  * * *

  I touch the shutter anyway and

  Analyze the picture.

  * * *

  I see nothing in my eyes.

  None of the happiness, or

  Joy, or

  Amusement

  You’d expect to see in a picture of someone smiling.

  * * *

  I don’t look annoyed either, or

  Like the photographer has coaxed this smile from

  Me by proclaiming, “Smile!”

  * * *

  I simply look…dead inside,

  Like a girl who’s trying to smile because

  A boy challenged her to take a selfie and

  See what it said about her.

  * * *

  But this photo says nothing about me,

  And yet,

  It says everything.

  * * *

  It says how unhappy I’ve allowed myself to become, and

  How far I’ve removed myself from living, and

  How by trying to smile, I’ve made myself
/>   Look like someone trying to be happy, but

  Failing.

  * * *

  I think I feel happier, but

  I’m an expert at analyzing pictures, and

  This one says I’m not there yet.

  * * *

  This one says I still hurt,

  Still need to heal,

  Still need to

  Forgive.

  121

  WANNA HANG OUT TONIGHT?

  Trevor’s text interrupts my third attempt at

  Taking a self-portrait.

  * * *

  I feel something shrink in my chest at

  The thought of simply hanging out with Trevor.

  * * *

  Hang out? I text back.

  Or go out?

  * * *

  Whichever makes you most comfortable, he replies.

  Friends hang out.

  * * *

  But boyfriends take their girlfriends out, I tell him.

  * * *

  Are you saying I’m your boyfriend?

  * * *

  I don’t think;

  I press the call button.

  122

  “ARE YOU SAYING YOU WANT TO BE MY BOYFRIEND?”

  I ask him when he picks up.

  “And don’t you have class right now?”

  * * *

  “Yes,” he says, his voice real low,

  Like he’s answered his phone in the middle of calculus.

  “And yes.”

  * * *

  It’s all I can do not to drop my phone,

  Surprised at what I’ve done,

  The line I’ve crossed.

  This whole reactionary lifestyle is

  Something I could get used to, because

  It’s helped me do things,

  Say things, that…

  Feel right.

  * * *

  I take a deep breath,

  Determined to just keep reacting.

  “So we’ll go out tonight,” I say.

  “You can take me to one of those famous

  Drive-through places

  You were bragging about over the weekend.”

  * * *

  “Deal,” he says. “Gotta go.”

  He hangs up before I can respond, and

  I hope he doesn’t get in trouble for talking on the phone

  During class.

  * * *

  6:30, okay? comes a text from Trevor.

  * * *

  I smile and

  Quickly open the camera app and

  Take my picture.

  123

  “DAD,”

  I say,

  Entering his office after dinner.

  * * *

  “Yep.”

  He looks up from his paperwork.

  * * *

  “Dad, I—”

  I close eyes to make this easier.

  “I’m going out with Trevor tonight.”

  * * *

  Dad shifts in his chair, which

  Emits a high-pitched squeal.

  “Oh.”

  * * *

  I keep my eyes pressed closed,

  Seeing a bright red light behind my eyelids.

  “See, I was sort of dating him when I found out about Mom, and

  We broke up then, but

  I still like him, and

  He still likes me, and

  We’re going to dinner tonight.”

  * * *

  I pull my eyes open.

  “If that’s okay.”

  * * *

  Dad studies me for a few moments.

  I can’t keep my feet still, and

  My fingers keep twisting around each other.

  My throat feels dry, and

  I’m blinking way too much.

  * * *

  “You were dating Trevor Youngblood when Mom…”

  Dad’s shoulders slump, and

  He places both hands on his desk.

  “No wonder you were so angry,

  So withdrawn.”

  * * *

  “I wasn’t—”

  * * *

  “You lost more than a mother.”

  He stands and

  Moves around the desk to

  Wrap me in a hug.

  “I’m sorry, Livvy, and

  Yes, you should go have a good time with

  Trevor.”

  * * *

  I stand stiffly for only a moment before

  I hug my father tightly.

  “You don’t think it’s weird?

  I mean, he’s my step-brother now.”

  * * *

  “Barely,” Dad says.

  “He’s never there when you are.

  It’s not like you guys are living in the same house.”

  * * *

  Remembering the bands on my toes,

  The one that reminds me to be honest,

  I open my mouth again.

  “Well, he’s been there twice in

  The past couple of months.

  He was there over the weekend.”

  * * *

  Dad pulls back and

  Looks at me.

  His eyes show

  The questions running through his mind.

  * * *

  “Nothing’s happened,” I tell him.

  “But he’s asked me out again, and

  I…I want to go.”

  * * *

  Dad nods.

  “I’ve seen you change this past little bit,

  Since you’ve been homeschooled.

  I thought it was because of the photography, or

  Gramma-Linda, but

  Maybe…”

  He doesn’t finish, but

  I know what he means.

  * * *

  Maybe it’s because of Trevor.

  124

  “CALM DOWN,”

  I coach myself as

  I wait for Trevor to arrive.

  “You’ve been out with him before.”

  * * *

  I still feel jittery and scared,

  My insides quivering beneath

  My skin.

  * * *

  Finally, a knock lands on the door.

  I whip it open to

  Find Trevor standing there.

  “You ready?”

  His voice is steady and calm.

  * * *

  He’s wearing jeans and

  A jacket,

  Normal attire for February.

  * * *

  He’s freshly showered, and

  He smells like mint and pinecones.

  * * *

  “Ready,” I say,

  Glancing over my shoulder to find

  Dad standing in the doorway to the kitchen.

  * * *

  “Have fun,” he says,

  Smiling.

  “Drive safe, Trevor.”

  * * *

  Once in the safety of his car,

  I finally release the breath I’ve been holding.

  When he joins me,

  I start laughing and

  Can’t stop.

  * * *

  Trevor backs out of my driveway,

  Letting me go through my mania.

  When he reaches over and

  Takes my hand in his,

  I settle into silence.

  * * *

  “Okay?” he asks, and

  All I can say is, “Okay.”

  125

  “YOUR HOUSE?”

  I ask when Trevor pulls into his driveway.

  “What are we doing at your house?

  Is your mom home?”

  I feel sandbagged in my seat,

  Weighed down and

  Unable to move.

  * * *

  “She’ll be home soon,” he says,

  “We’re eating dinner here.”

  He gets out and crosses in front of the car to

  Open my door.

  I still haven’t moved.
r />   “Come on, Wings, I’m not going to

  Try anything, I swear.”

  * * *

  I take his hand and

  Let him lead me into his house.

  I’ve been here so many times I can’t count them, but

  This feels somehow different.