Christabel

by Karin Kallmaker

  “I care for all my neighbors,” Reverend Gorony shouted. “The filth of this family endangers us all!”

  The mob muttered angrily in agreement. Behind the windows Christabel could see the Dawson clan gathered, waiting to see what might happen. Foolish people, she thought. If they had just done a decent day’s work now and again the mob would pick on someone else. But who else? Where does it end?

  “Lord Berkeley gave them leave—”

  “Lord Berkeley doesn’t have to walk in these streets. He has his fine carriage to keep his shoes clean.”

  Christabel missed her father so much. He’d not allow such disdainful talk of the man who managed to keep trade moving so families had money and soldiers could be paid, dissuading any foreigners from thoughts of attacking. Reverend Gorony wouldn’t have the backbone to stand and fight an army. He’d be the first to hide behind Lord Berkeley’s fine gates while men like Pa kept him safe.

  “Our Lord will not forgive what you do this night.” The furniture maker turned to the mob for a last appeal. “Go home. Tend to your families. Look into your hearts for God’s true word. Christ came to teach us his word, directly. He will speak to you.”

  “You tread close to blasphemy, and for these unclean people. God has spoken to me. The pestilence of this family will strike us all down. It is time to do his work.”

  Men with torches moved forward, their faces like stone. Christabel realized Reverend Gorony had no torch of his own. He didn’t need one—all of the torches were his to control.

  In minutes the house was ablaze. The Dawsons were scattering into the night, carrying clothes and food, weeping and crying. She didn’t know where they would go. The night air grew acrid with smoke and the stench of burning garbage. She shook her head, trying to clear her nostrils of the smell.

  “You should not be out.”

  Reverend Gorony’s voice in her ear sent a bolt of pure fear through her. She made no answer, but pulled the cloak tighter.

  “The flames are cleansing. God’s fire burns hot.”

  His voice was low and melodic, as if he read poetry. Against her will she met his gaze. His eyes glowed red with the dancing fire reflected deep, and he looked as if each scream of terror was beautiful music.

  She turned, thinking to run, but he caught her arm. “Witness my power, Christabel. I can turn it to any means I choose. You have power, too.”

  Smoke curled down in a rising wind, making her eyes burn. She yanked on her arm, but he pulled her closer to him.

  “You can stay my hand with a word. I will tell you the word very soon.”

  She tore herself from his grasp and ran into the night, home to Ma. Trembling, she roused her mother from her stupor and helped her to bed, then climbed into bed with her. Even there she did not feel safe.

  She could smell the fire all around her. There was no longer any hope that the mob would quit. The Manhattans and her dear Rahdonee needed to be warned.

  We should move to the bed, Dina wanted to say. Christa’s mouth stilled any attempt at words and Dina succumbed again to the sweetness of kisses. Her earlier fancy that they were making love under a tree gave way to even more outlandish images, but none of them frightened her.

  Her skin had never felt this alive—she hadn’t known that it could. She was aware of everything, the roughness of the rug under her back, the brush of Christa’s hair on her breasts, the yielding satin of Christa’s thighs. She thought she could smell cornmeal and salt, and if she closed her eyes it was pine and the smoke of a lazy, warming fire. Someone was singing a song she’d never heard before, in a language she didn’t know, yet it filled her with peace.

  She could feel Christa moving against her, and still there was more. This time it was more than a vision, more than images she saw not with her eyes but with her heart. The hands on her body knew every inch of her and explored her with certainty.

  She wasn’t surprised to open her eyes and see the girl she loved, her Christabel, earnest and strong-hearted, leaning over her. The world beyond the thicket where they loved was alive and that magic was inside her now, to its fullest measure. She knew why the bee laden with nectar was lazy, why the salmon gave its life’s energy to spawn. For this, for life, for the touch of these hands, she would give her life.

  She laughed softly. “You are making me feel so sleepy.”

  “That’s not what I intended, silly.” Fingertips grazed between her thighs.

  “I want to put this feeling into my dreams, and have it always.”

  “That sounds so wise.” The honey-gold eyes were laughing at her. “So logical. But I’m not allowing you to sleep yet.”

  The Sacred Tree shifted in the breeze, and seemed to sigh in empathy for the love that flowed as deep as her roots. Christabel’s mouth was sure of those places that brought tingles. She teased until there was no way to resist, and they both made those sounds of rising delight that honored the spirit animal within. And after, holding each other close with whispers and kisses, the spirit soul was honored as well. These bonds were forged without restraint and they would find each other, every turn of the Great Mother’s wheel.

  Dina opened her eyes as she lifted her hips to meet the force of Christa’s touch. Treading in both worlds she still only had one heart, and it had always belonged to Christa. She searched those eyes for recognition, for reassurance that Christa knew this truth as well. They were glowing with desire and abandon, yes, but the shadows were still dark and real. Dina drew back from looking too closely, suddenly afraid that it would be Goranson staring back at her.

  She arched to Christa’s touch inside her, and knew she’d felt nothing like it before and yet it was a memory, welcome and rich. She knew it was her voice, crying out, but the echo came back to her laden with the dust of time.

  We were meant to be together, Dina told herself. But something tore us apart. Someone…and she knew who it had to be.

  “Not this time,” she whispered.

  Christa stirred in her arms. “Time for what?”

  Dina rolled onto her side, coming back to the present, and marveled that she knew with certainty that a nuzzling kiss at the pulse point of Christa’s neck would draw a soft, wondering sigh. She smiled into the hollow of Christa’s throat, for as familiar as Christa seemed, there was new beauty in her lush, mature form. So much to learn, to explore, and their entire lives were ahead of them to do everything, including this. Loving each other as often as possible, she would bring all the light back to Christa’s eyes.

  Insane, I’m insane, she thought, expecting those inner voices to agree, but there was only the sound of Christa’s gasping pleas. She held tight to Christa’s hips, not stopping even when the coffee table tipped onto its side.

  A few minutes later Christa stretched, then grinned as she touched the table. “I’m sorry. Is it broken?”

  “No.” Dina sat up. “I wouldn’t care if it was. You can break all my furniture exactly the same way and I’ll be a very happy woman.”

  Christa laughed and for just a moment, one simple shining moment, her eyes lit up with a glow like summer. “Careful what you wish for. You could end up sleeping on the floor for the rest of your life.”

  “It would be worth it, though I’d rather you were in my bed.”

  Christa blushed, but the warm glow was still in her eyes.

  Later, Dina would wonder if that glow might have lasted had she not made the mistake of asking, “Stay the night with me?”

  “I don’t understand why you have to go,” Dina said again. Her eyes were so wounded and I cursed myself as the cause.

  I knew she didn’t understand. She wanted me to go to the bedroom with her. But I couldn’t. I could be truthful with Leo, and say she had not taken me to bed. It was a silly lie, but there was a chance he would believe me. I had to go back to the hotel, now, to have any chance of fooling him.

  “I don’t want to go, but I have to.”

  “Is it an early morning appointment? What?”

  Her
hurt was like my own, but I had to hide mine. I’d given in to my selfish desires and now she was vulnerable. It was up to me to protect her. “Something like that.”

  She swallowed hard. “I want to...Can I see you again?”

  “I want that, I want it very much. But we have to be careful.”

  She studied me for a moment, her gaze as penetrating in the darkness of the living room as in the middle of a well-lit hall. “I didn’t realize. I should have. I guess I didn’t think it mattered in your line of work.”

  Puzzled, I said, “What matters?”

  “Being gay. You don’t want anyone to know. I can see that, I guess. You’re just starting out. Almost famous.”

  I hadn’t even thought about the implications of coming out at this point in my career. I just never thought I’d have to deal with it. I wasn’t going to be around long enough for it to matter. Of course, I hadn’t counted on Dina.

  I wanted to let her go ahead and think I was afraid to come out. I suppose I should have been, after all. If it kept her from Leo’s notice, then letting her think that would protect her. Except it was a lie, and while I hadn’t told her much of the truth, I hadn’t lied to her. I didn’t want to start.

  “That’s not the reason,” I finally said.

  “Then what is the reason?” She was half angry and nearly bitter with it, then all that washed out of her face. She put her arms around me. “Tell me. Tell me what it is. Let me help.”

  I wanted to crawl inside her and stay there forever. She offered such love and compassion that I could only whisper, as I had when she had been making love to me, “I love you.”

  “Then why? Tell me.” Still she rocked me, her embrace gentle.

  “Because of Leo.”

  She stiffened. “Why does he decide who you can be with?”

  I let go of the secret, I even felt the pain of it leaving me, like an arrow being pulled from my heart. “I’m his wife.”

  The arrow pierced her; I felt her body quiver. She let go of me, not quite pushing me away.

  “You could have said.”

  “It’s not generally known.”

  “You could have said.”

  “There were reasons for it, having nothing to do with—”

  “Is he safe? Are you safe?”

  I didn’t know what she was asking, but her anger was unmistakable.

  “Just tell me. Do I need to get tested now? I know what his predilections are. And that rubs off on you. And now onto me.” She turned away, her arms across her stomach.

  “I don’t sleep with him. I never have.”

  “Do you expect me to believe that?”

  “It’s true. And believe me, Leo thinks far too much of himself to risk catching anything. I’ve never asked, but I’m willing to bet he is very, very safe. Not that it matters to you.” I was angry now. “I have never been with him as a wife. It was a business arrangement.”

  “Most people just fill out contracts.”

  “Ours wasn’t the kind you can put on paper. He promised me something, I promised in return. I’m never going to deliver on my end. And that’s all you need to know.”

  “And you say you love me?”

  “Yes.” I wanted to cry, because Leo would be so happy to know we had fought. She would never trust me now.

  “It’s called a divorce. And lots of people do it. It has less stigma than being gay.”

  She just didn’t understand, and I couldn’t make her. She didn’t understand weakness and fear, and being born to be the victim of a vampire like Leo. If I told her that my mother hadn’t been able to find a single woman in her family history that had lived past thirty-five, would she understand that I accepted my destiny? No, she would fight it and he would destroy her.

  I had no fight in me. “I want to be with you again.”

  “When he says it’s okay?”

  “The longer we can go without him knowing—I just mean that it makes it easier, in the end.”

  “I don’t want you on his terms.”

  “They’re my terms, right now.”

  Dina bowed her head over her knees and I thought I saw the sparkle of a tear. “For now, then, I accept your terms,” she said slowly. “You tell me when we can see each other again.”

  I suspected that when I told Leo we hadn’t gone to bed together, he would give me another opportunity to see Dina. I didn’t know how long I could play this out. All I knew was that I had to see her again, one more time, before Leo found out. I didn’t even know what I was hoping would come of it. It was wrong to hope. I ought to make her hate me so she would forget about me, but I was too greedy. One more time, I thought, and then I will make her go and he won’t be able to hurt her.

  “I’ll call you.”

  Dina nodded miserably. “Then I guess you’d better be going.”

  I dressed and relived the incredible joy of her touch. How long had it been since a woman in my family had felt as wonderful as Dina made me feel for the hour I had been in her arms?

  Dina was wrapped in a chenille robe when I kissed her at the door. The cab driver had buzzed and was waiting downstairs.

  She sniffed, her nose red. “Don’t do this. Stay with me. You don’t have to go back to him.”

  “If I don’t, he’ll come and get me.”

  “And you just say no to him. It’s that easy.”

  I studied the doorknob, anything to escape from the light she was shining into me. “I can’t.”

  “Don’t let fear do this to you.”

  I swayed. I was within a heartbeat of putting my arms around her, of saying the future didn’t matter, of saying I would stay. In the brilliance of her life, my fears seemed so irrational. What could Leo do to me that I couldn’t survive? I realized then that it wasn’t what he could do to me that I feared. It was what he could and would do to her.

  The phone rang. I knew who it was before Dina’s answering machine clicked on.

  “Dina, are you there? Christa’s missing. Dina?”

  “I’m going to tell him to go to hell.”

  “Dina? I’m very worried. I hope she’s with you. Please pick up. Or call me—”

  “Dina, please. Just for tonight. Just for right now.”

  Her eyes brimmed over as she lifted the receiver. “I’m here,” she said huskily. “No. No, we went for coffee. We talked until they closed. Yes, at the Omni main entrance. I don’t know.”

  Tears were running down her cheeks. And I realized that I had made her ashamed, that I’d done part of what Leo surely wanted. I’d diminished her. I’d made her lie for me.

  “She said she was still hungry. Perhaps she’s in the restaurant. Is there one open at this hour? Did you check there?”

  I opened the door, hating myself. Her moans of passion and happiness had long left my ears. Instead, I heard her choking back tears as she said, “Would you have her call me when she gets in, or I’ll worry.”

  She watched me go, still talking to Leo. “She has my number.” Her eyes pleaded with me. “Please have her call.”

  Self-pity was not a familiar companion to Dina, but she wallowed in it until the phone rang about twenty minutes later.

  “I’m fine, Dina,” Christa said, her tone apologetic. “I’m sorry Leo worried you for nothing.”

  “I love you,” Dina breathed into the phone.

  “I know. I need my beauty sleep. Your investment needs to be protected.”

  “When can I see you?”

  “There’s some cocktail party tomorrow night I must go to, but my schedule is open Sunday morning, like I thought. Until around two. So I’d love to see the cathedral.”

  “Come to my apartment. I’ll be waiting,” Dina whispered.

  “I’ll meet you there. Sorry again, Dina.”

  She huddled on the sofa, not wanting to go to the cold, empty bed. She didn’t understand Christa’s fears or dependence on Goranson. Her face would be on newsstands around the world next week and on three more magazines this fall. She was
going to be an international star. Didn’t she know that? What possible hold could Leonard Goranson have over her that couldn’t be broken?

  I’m in love with a married woman and she refuses to leave her husband, whom she doesn’t even like. God, how pathetic, she thought. Her body trembled when she remembered how Christa had felt under her, and over her, and in her.

  She went to the kitchen for aspirin and orange juice. In a fit of rage, she pulled up the kitchen blinds.

  “Shut up!” She picked up the glass, which held the sprouted root and several leaves, and took it to the sink. She turned on the disposal and stood poised.

  But she couldn’t do it.

  It was insane.

  She turned off the disposal, put the glass on the table and sank into a chair. Very gently she touched a new, still tightly furled leaf. “What do you want from me? I don’t have anything to give right now. I need right now.”

  The leaf shuddered, and then opened. Dina blinked. It had happened in a second or two. She felt dizzy, on the verge of hysteria. “Oh no, I’m not going to start poking my fingers so you can have the blood.”

  She buried her face in her hands, smelling Christa all over them. “This is impossible.”

  She called a cab, and then went to get dressed.

  Chapter 12

  The mare let Christabel saddle her, though her touch was not as expert as she was used to. She knew that there was a meeting of some kind at the church and it was her chance to slip out of the town and not worry too much about Ma being left alone.

  The smoke from the furniture maker’s home and workshop was heavy on the air. What was left of the structure still smoldered. Every three nights the mob was goaded to frenzied action. First the taverns, then the Dawsons, and now the Quakers were suspect. The Quakers hurt no one, were industrious and clean. If their homes could be taken from them, without any condemnation from Lord Berkeley’s aides, then no one was safe.

  Last night it had been the blasphemous Quaker and two nights from now likely the other Quaker family. She hoped they were packing their belongings and arranging to get off the island.