“Stonehooligans?” asked Jack, turning to look as five of them began approaching. They were extremely short, between three and four feet tall. All of them were quite stout and burly, wore metal bands on their arms, and dressed in clothes that reminded Jack of Vikings. The one at the front of the group had a long red beard which fell past its belt, a big bulbous nose, bright and hearty eyes, and a flat-topped decorative metal helmet with a large horn on either side.
“Stonehooligans come from the planet Brittlecore,” said Dan. “It’s a planet that is mostly ice on the surface but has a superheated core, making it habitable under the ground where the whole of Stonehooligan society exists. Stonehooligans are the best laborers in the universe, able to weather hostile environments with ease and excel at professions such as mining, woodworking, and masonry. Despite their short stature, they are quite strong and durable. They’re widely regarded as the best workers one can hire, as well as the most excessive partiers the galaxy has ever seen.”
“Partiers?” asked Jack, intrigued.
“Yes, sir,” replied Dan. “Because of their work ethic, Stonehooligans tend to place much value on their recreational time, which they typically like to spend drinking copious amounts of alcohol, engaging in various types of competition, and rough-housing. Many of the Stonehooligan celebrations are known to go on for days and to end only when most of them have been incapacitated in some form or another.”
“So… they party ‘till they drop?”
“Yes, that would be correct, sir.”
As the group of Stonehooligans stopped before Jack, Representative Hardiron stepped forward, performing a curt bow. “Earthman!” said Hardiron with a gruff and hearty voice.
“Stonehooligan,” replied Jack with a smile.
“’Tis an honor!” Hardiron said. “Me and tha boys be overjoyed ta see a wee one like yourself sock it to them blasted Deathlord buggers. Ain’t that right, boys?”
“YAR!” cried the other Stonehooligans.
“Yar!” laughed Hardiron. “When we all learned of the Deathlords’ defeat at yer hands, my people began the honorary celebratory tradition of HOO-AHH. It’s been raging fer days!”
“Oh?” said Jack. “What’s does that entail?”
“Mostly a lot of drinkin’ and headbutting!” said Hardiron with a wide, toothy grin. “The headbutting has been almost non-stop!”
“HOO-AHH!” chanted Hardiron’s entourage before gleefully headbutting each other. Hardiron grabbed the nearest Stonehooligan and headbutted him so hard, the poor fellow fell to the floor in a daze. “Yar!” exclaimed Hardiron. “I do so love a good headbutt!”
Jack couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, who doesn’t?”
“Who indeed?” Hardiron replied. “Perhaps ye’d do us the honor of visiting my planet so we can have a proper celebration? Not like these ninny-wimp Regal functions. Pah! Back on Brittlecore, a party ain’t considered good unless a minimum of three fights break out! Two of which be drunken!”
“Sounds awesome,” said Jack, genuinely meaning it. “I’d love to visit sometime.”
“Excellent!” replied Hardiron heartily, giving Jack a firm and friendly slap to his arm. “Just ye wait ‘till ye taste some genuine Stonehooligan ale! Ye’ll be schnockered fer days!”
“I can’t wait,” said Jack. “May the drinking and the headbutting never cease!”
“HOO-AHH!” chanted Hardiron’s entourage, once again headbutting each other. This time, Jack joined them in their laughter afterwards. “Yar! I like ye, Earthman,” said Hardiron with a wink. “Ye seem to know how ta have a good time!”
“I try,” replied Jack, holding his hand up, hook ‘em horns style. “Party on, Stonehooligan.”
Hardiron laughed heartily and mimicked Jack’s gesture. “Party on, Earthman!”
Jack watched as the Stonehooligans walked away, boisterously telling each other to “party on” and throwing the occasional headbutt. Jack couldn’t help but smile. “Representative Hardiron seems pretty cool,” Jack noted.
“Indeed, sir,” replied Dan. “She’s an extremely popular leader amongst her people. In fact, she was a former head of the Ale Alliance, which has been the dominant political party of the Stonehooligans for quite some time.”
Jack blinked at Dan. “Waitaminute,” he said. “She?”
“Yes, sir,” replied Dan. “Elder Representative Hardiron is among the female of the Stonehooligan species.”
“Get out of town!” exclaimed Jack. “He’s a chick???”
“Most certainly, sir. One can always distinguish a female Stonehooligan from a male, due to the male’s shorter stature and the female’s longer and more luxurious facial hair.”
“You mean to tell me that Stonehooligan women are manlier than their men?”
“That would be a correct way of looking at it, yes, sir.”
“Huh,” said Jack, somewhat amused. “That is… weird.”
“Most species do have a hard time understanding it,” replied Dan. “Then again, the Stonehooligans consider the lack of hair on the faces and bodies of other species’ females rather off-putting.”
“Well, to each their own, I guess,” said Jack.
“A fine philosophy, sir,” replied Dan.
“Are we almost done?” asked Jack, rubbing his neck. “My feet are starting to hurt from standing here for so long.”
“There are only two more guests left to greet, sir,” replied Dan. “The first of which is Elder Representative Bob.”
Three men began making their way down the aisle, but to call them “men” wasn’t quite accurate. They looked like men, but they were made up of a gelatinous pink substance which made them appear more like fake Jell-O molds of people than the real thing. The one in the center was dressed in a dark Regal formal suit, while the ones on either side of him wore grey uniforms. When they arrived, the three of them placed their fists over their left breasts and bowed in unison.
“It is an honor and a privilege, Earthman,” said the one in black. “I am Bob.”
“Uh, nice to meet you, Bob,” said Jack, returning the bow. “And who are your friends?”
“I am Bob,” said the one on the right.
“As am I,” said the one on the left.
“You’re all named Bob?” asked Jack. “Doesn’t that get confusing?”
“Actually, sir,” interjected Dan. “They are all the same being.”
“Huh?” asked Jack.
“Bob is actually an enormous mass of self-aware ooze that was discovered over a hundred years ago,” explained Dan. “A merchant who had overshot his hyperspace checkpoint stumbled upon him and at first believed it to be a giant, gaseous planet, before Bob attempted to communicate with him. Bob has since made it a practice of taking small pieces of itself and sending them out into the universe, mimicking the look of the races he travels among.”
“Whoa,” said Jack, looking at the three pink men before him. “So you’re the same guy… but there are a billion of you out there?”
“That is correct, Earthman,” said Bob. “This incarnation sits on the Empire’s Council of Elders, while another incarnation sits on the Council of Juniors. Though we are both the same, I try to make us look different to make it easier for those like yourself who may have a hard time grasping the notion that I am but a singular entity. I find it helps when those like you feel each incarnation is unique and different from the others.” The three Bobs suddenly laughed. Jack looked at them strangely. “Apologies,” said Representative Bob. “Commander Triton on the Escoto space station just made a rather humorous joke.”
“Uh, no worries,” replied Jack. “So… if you’re the same guy, but you’re in so many different places at once, doesn’t that get confusing? I mean, you must be listening to a ton of different conversations all at the same time.”
“It was difficult at first, but I quickly adapted,” said Bob. “I’d spent most of my existence isolated and alone, until the Empire found me. Now I take great joy in interact
ing with the various beings of this vast and wonderful universe of ours. I am just saddened that I did not get to meet more of your people before they were so unjustly taken from us.”
“Yeah, me too,” said Jack sadly.
“I know very well what it is like to be the only one of your kind,” Bob said. “Should you ever need to talk, please feel free to seek me out. I am not hard to find, and despite the many conversations I might be engaged in at any given moment, I assure you, I am a very good listener.”
“Thanks,” said Jack. “I really appreciate that.”
“Be well, Earthman,” said all three Bobs. “Until we meet again.”
After Bob had made his exit, Dan turned to Jack. “The honor of being the final guests of the night to greet you goes to Lord Eudox and Lady Nataylia of Legacy Evenstar,” said Dan. “They also have the honor of sharing your table for the dinner.”
Jack looked down the aisle as the Evenstars began to approach. Eudox was a tall and handsome man – his dark hair slicked back, his skin the color of copper, and a thin, neatly groomed moustache upon his upper lip. He was clad in a rust-colored double-breasted uniform, a red eight-pointed star within a green orb embroidered upon it. He walked with such easy confidence, he reminded Jack of some type of swashbuckler from an old movie.
The woman on his arm was quite lovely, as well. She had long, raven-colored hair which fell all the way to her lower back, and her gown was light green, trimmed with red. She wore an emerald tiara with the same eight-pointed star that was on her husband’s uniform, but fashioned from a ruby. Her skin was a deep copper color, darker than her husband’s, and as the two of them came closer, Jack noticed they both had lilac colored eyes.
“What’s their story?” Jack asked, wondering how they related to other Legacies, like the Skyborns.
“The Evenstars are one of the oldest and most respected Legacies currently in existence, sir,” explained Dan. “They can trace their origins all the way back to Emperor Nameer, who is widely regarded as one of the greatest Emperors the Empire has ever known. They govern the Redwater system, which has long been one of the richest systems among the Legacies, due to its abundance of natural resources and access to major hyperspace routes. The Evenstars wield a great deal of influence within the government and are one of the most famous Legacies among the public at large. Lord Eudox has been especially instrumental in lobbying for aggressive offensives in the war against the Deathlords, which has made him quite popular among the people of the Empire.”
Eudox and Nataylia stopped before Jack, greeting him. “Earthman Finnegan,” said Eudox with a slight accent to his voice. “I am humbled and honored to make your acquaintance.”
“As am I,” said Nataylia. “News of the defeat of the Deathlord Planetkillers has taken the Redwater system by storm. We have long prayed for such a victory against the Deathlord menace. And it is all thanks to you.”
“Well, I had lots of help actually,” replied Jack.
“Yes, so we heard,” said Eudox. “We are sorry for your loss. Many in the Empire know the horrors the Deathlords bring with them. But thanks to you and your bravery, we now have the chance to finally push back against our enemy, and possibly turn the tide of this war.”
“Glad I could help,” said Jack. “I just wish I’d been able to wipe out all of them for you guys.”
Both Nataylia and Eudox chuckled at that. “You have done more than enough already,” Eudox said good-naturedly.
“It is a great honor for us to share your table tonight,” said Nataylia. “We look forward to getting to know you, and wish you to know that Legacy Evenstar will always be your friend.”
“Thanks,” said Jack. “I look forward to getting to know you guys, too.”
Once the Evenstars took their leave, Jack sighed. He never knew standing in one place and greeting people could be so exhausting. His back was starting to ache, so were his feet, and he really wanted to sit down for a while and relax. “Okay, so that was the last of them?” Jack asked Dan.
Before the robot could reply, a voice responded, saying: “Not quite yet.” Jack turned and saw a man walking toward him. He seemed slightly older than Jack, maybe seventeen by the looks of him. He had wavy, jet-black hair that tumbled to his shoulders, copper skin, and lilac eyes. He also wore a burgundy uniform with the eight-point star of the Evenstars on his breast. He smiled at Jack, his hands resting casually in his pockets as he approached, and then spoke.
“Sorry, I know you’re probably ready to stop with these inane formalities,” he said. “I’m Amadeus of Legacy Evenstar, son of the couple you just met. I would have approached with my parents, but I wanted to meet you myself without their insistence on sticking to protocol.”
“Oh,” said Jack. “Nice to meet you.”
“And you,” Amadeus replied. “I must admit, you’re not at all what I expected.”
“Um… what were you expecting?” asked Jack.
“Well, when you hear about a man who single-handedly defeats a Deathlord Supreme, feeds an entire Planetkiller fleet to a swarm of space insects, and pilots the most advanced spaceship known to the entire universe, you tend to imagine he might be a bit… taller.”
Jack looked at Amadeus wide-eyed. As far as Jack knew, the details of what actually happened on his little adventure were supposed to be secret. “How… how did you know…”
Amadeus laughed at Jack’s reaction. “Relax,” he said quietly. “Everyone important knows the real story of what happened. Those not in the know have spies who are, and Legacy Evenstar has both. You should have seen my father when he got word of what you pulled off. He practically did a backflip, he was so overjoyed.”
“Wow,” muttered Jack, glad he finally didn’t have to lie around someone. “Kind of hard to imagine your father doing backflips.”
“It wasn’t long ago it was hard to imagine beating the Deathlords,” Amadeus responded. “My father has been advocating we take the fight to them since the day Regalus Prime fell. You’d think he was calling for our armies to all march around in their underpants singing church hymns based on the kind of resistance we’ve been facing here in the capitol. Everyone’s so afraid of the Empire crumbling, they’ve lost focus on what’s causing the cracks in the foundation. He’s long dreamed of a victory like the one you were able to deliver, Earthman. Now that there’s this notion the Deathlords aren’t unstoppable, we finally have the chance to shore up support for a major offensive. You should be proud of what you’ve accomplished.”
“I guess,” muttered Jack. “It’s hard to be proud when all my friends and family are dead and I have to lie to everyone constantly.”
Amadeus looked at Jack sadly. “I understand,” he replied. “You have a good heart, Earthman. Something that is not always compatible with politics. In many ways, bureaucrats can be more destructive than Deathlords. But my family and I want you to know that, at least when you are with us, you can leave the politics behind and simply be yourself.”
Jack smiled. “Thanks, dude. I appreciate it.”
Amadeus’s cocky grin returned. “Well, now that that’s out of the way, what’s say I escort you to our table so you can relax for a change, eh?”
“Yeah,” said Jack, feeling relieved for the first time since the evening started. “I’d like that.”
Chapter 11
The Royal Dias was at the end of the Grand Hall, all the way opposite the entrance. It was a circular area raised up high enough to make it distinctive from the rest of the floor, with a sprawling flight of stairs leading up to it. Three curved tables had been arranged in a crescent-moon shape around its center, where red marble with an inlaid golden eye decorated the floor.
The table to the far left hosted four members of the Directory and their wives. In the center, Director Casgor, Armonto Virtuoso, and the Skyborns sat on either side of a high-backed ornate chair. And to the right were Eudox and Nataylia Evenstar, with Jack’s setting placed between them and Amadeus.
The minute J
ack sat down, he sighed in relief. His legs and feet were aching, and it felt good to take a load off finally.
“All rise,” the Royal Herald intoned, as chimes rang. Everyone in the Grand Hall got to their feet. Jack grumbled and forced himself back up, his legs complaining the entire time. “Esteemed Guests,” said the Herald as his electronically enhanced voice carried throughout the hall. “It is my great honor to present to you, the matriarch of Legacy Prime, the heir to the Regalus throne, the Blood of the Ancients – her Imperial Highness… Princess Glorianna!”
Formal music began to play as the massive double doors of the Grand Hall opened. Jack felt his breath catch in his throat when he saw Anna enter. She walked down the long red-carpeted pathway leading toward the Royal Dias. She was clad in a gown so bright and pure white it was almost hard to look at. The dress was elegant in its simplicity, with a long train and subtle vine-like patterns stitched into it. The gown was strapless, revealing her bare shoulders, and her arms sported long, white gloves that came up to her elbows. Her blonde hair practically shimmered, partly styled into a bunned updo atop her head, with the rest of her luxurious hair falling down to her back. Small pins in her hair projected a golden holographic crown, and her brilliant blue eyes were framed by white eyeshadow that sparkled in the light.
Jack had always thought Anna was beautiful, but he’d never seen her like this before. Now, she was beyond beautiful – she was the most gorgeous thing he’d ever seen in his life.
The four members of the Royal Vanguard walked in formation close behind Anna, each one resplendent in their golden armor and lush red cloaks. They all followed Anna as she walked behind the center table on the Royal Dias, taking position in a row behind her and diligently standing at attention. When Anna finally took her seat, the music stopped, and those in attendance once again sat down.
“Esteemed guests,” the Herald said. “Dinner shall now be served!”
Chimes once again sounded out. Jack looked over at Anna as she sat, straight-backed, in the ornate chair of the center table. She gazed straight ahead, her face completely blank. Everyone at the table looked so formal and bored, it made Jack feel sad for her.
Earthman Jack vs. The Secret Army (Earthman Jack Space Saga Book 2) Page 13
