Earthman Jack vs. The Secret Army (Earthman Jack Space Saga Book 2)

by Matthew Kadish

  Despite the atrocious state of the establishment, Scallywag couldn’t help but smile. Ah, it’s good to be among right proper villains again, he mused.

  He started to make his way toward the bar when someone grabbed him and slammed him up against the wall. Scallywag had a blaster in his face before he knew what hit him. He tilted his head to look beyond the muzzle and smiled when he saw who was at the other end. “Banjax?” Scallywag said.

  “Scallywag,” the man named Banjax replied in a deep voice. He was a thick and muscular Endolan, his scar-covered skin black as midnight. The ocular implant where his third eye would have been, focused in on Scallywag as Banjax smiled a crooked smile. “Ain’t you supposed to be dead?”

  “I guess I’m supposed ta be a lot o’ things I ain’t,” Scallywag replied. He looked down at the hand that had him firmly by the shoulder. It was entirely cybernetic, attached to a robotic arm that looked too shiny to be anything other than new. “I see ya got yerself an upgrade.”

  “My last arm melted,” growled Banjax. “Or did you happen to forget that little detail?”

  Scallywag shrugged. “I did warn ya ta keep yer hands to yerself,” he said. “The bounty hunting business must be treating ya well, though. This one looks top-end. Must have set ya back a digicredit or two.”

  “It wasn’t cheap, I’ll grant you,” Banjax said with a menacing smile. “But with you in pocket, I’ll recoup the cost and then some.”

  “Wouldn’t be so sure o’ that, mate,” said Scallywag with a smirk. “I got meself a Royal Pardon.”

  “Bollox,” replied Banjax.

  “Check it yerself if’n ya don’t believe me,” said Scallywag confidently.

  Banjax stepped back, keeping his weapon trained on Scallywag. He tapped the ultranet receiver on the side of his ocular implant, and glanced at the readout on the forearm of his cybernetic appendage as the tiny screen brought up Scallywag’s status. “Well, I’ll be browned,” the bounty hunter muttered. “How the blazes did you swing this one?”

  “I got me charms,” said Scallywag, crossing his arms and smiling.

  “Makes no matter,” sneered Banjax. “You’re worth more in Visini space anyway.”

  “Gotta get me there first,” Scallywag replied. “And under me Royal Pardon, it states that I am officially recognized as a full citizen of the Regalus Empire. So any attempt at kidnappin’ me ain’t gonna go too well for ya.”

  “Says here that protection of citizenship only stands as long as you don’t break any further laws,” muttered Banjax as he lowered his weapon. “I reckon I don’t got too long to wait, if that be the case.”

  “Well, until such time,” said Scallywag, taking a step forward. “We got no business wit’ one another.”

  Banjax eyed Scallywag menacingly. “I’ll be keeping an eye on you, pirate,” he said quietly.

  “Not all three?” asked Scallywag. “I’m hurt.” He gave Banjax’s cybernetic eye a flick before walking away, the bounty hunter growling at him as he left.

  Scallywag sauntered up to the bar where a multi-armed Karkovian was serving drinks. “Oy,” said Scallywag waving him over. “I’m here ta see Xao.”

  The bartender’s long face frowned. “Don’t know anyone by that name.”

  The suspicious looks Scallywag had gotten from three nearby brutes was proof enough the bartender was lying. “Either someone here takes me ta see Xao,” Scallywag said loudly, “or I’m gonna have ta start a ruckus.”

  The three brutes got to their feet and surrounded Scallywag. They were all tall, with muscles bigger than their heads, and each one wore a tight red shirt with a blaster tucked into his belt. “What do you want with Xao?” one of them asked.

  “Me and him go back a ways,” Scallywag said. “I just wanted ta drop by and say ‘hi.’”

  “And who are you, exactly?”

  “Scallywag the Red.”

  The brutes all looked at each other, apparently recognizing the name. “Follow us,” one of them said. The thugs fell in around Scallywag as he followed them to a back room. “Wait here,” the lead brute said before entering, letting the door close behind him. After a few minutes, he returned and waved for Scallywag to enter.

  The inside of the room was far more garish than Scallywag could have ever believed was possible. It looked like someone had tried so hard to make the room fancy, it had become almost comical. Cheap, knock-off furniture, matted carpets, and over-sized holo-paintings of Xao in various poses adorned the room. Situated on a small dais was the most ridiculous throne Scallywag had ever laid eyes upon, and on it, Xao lounged, waiting to receive him.

  Xao hadn’t changed a bit since Scallywag had last had dealings with the alien. He was still a reprehensible little Izard. He had an elongated torso, which resembled the body of a snake, tapering off into a short tail. His arms were of a normal length, but his legs were short and tiny. He had a long snout which sported two thick, droopy hairs, which fell down to his chest. His scaly skin was a bright green, and red fins on his cheeks matched the ones on his head and back. His hair was orange, as were the scales on his chest that peeked out from under his shirt. He smiled as Scallywag approached, his eyes such narrow slits, they almost looked like they were closed.

  “Uh’hurro, playboi,” said Xao, his voice like that of a snotty child. “Xao heard you were dead!”

  “Rumors o’ me demise have been greatly exaggerated,” replied Scallywag. “Ya should know by now, Xao. Death and I don’t tend ta get along.”

  “Xao don’t recall you getting along with lots of people, come to think of it.”

  “Which is probably why they’re all dead, and I ain’t.”

  “Well then, to what do Xao owe the pleasure of having the newly alive Scallywag the Red come before him?” Xao asked.

  “Came to settle a bit o’ business,” said Scallywag.

  “Oh, you here for business, eh?” said Xao, looking positively tickled. “Xao never imagined the day when Scallywag would come to him for business! Is so exciting!”

  “I said I came ta settle some business,” said Scallywag. “The last time I did business wit’ you I had half o’ the Raloree Cartel on me tail and a cargo bay full o’ worthless stinkweed ya tried ta pass off as lowbacco. So you’ll have ta forgive me if I’m not exactly interested in working with ya. Ever.”

  “There no reason to live in the past, Scallywag!” Xao said. “Xao could use a brute like you. Lots of digicredits to be made here in the capitol. Xao got some sweet hook-ups.”

  “Was I not making meself clear before when I said I’m not interested – ever?”

  “C’mon, Scallywag! Xao not the same as the one you knew,” Xao said smugly. “Xao now Xao the Thugnificent! King of thieves and outlaws! Master of stratum 12! Tell him, playboiz! Nyah, nyah, nyah!”

  “All hail Xao the Thugnificent,” droned the brutes in the room, sounding completely bored.

  Scallywag looked at the brute next to him, raising his eyebrow. “Seriously?” he asked.

  The brute shrugged. “Meh. It pays the bills.”

  “You see?” said Xao, his voice pitching so high it almost hurt Scallywag’s ears. “Xao big deal now! Xao straight-up gangsta! Snap, snap!” Xao snapped his fingers for effect. Scallywag couldn’t help but roll his eyes and sigh. His tolerance for ridiculousness was starting to wear thin.

  “Xao, giving yerself a lame title, sitting on a throne, and surrounding yerself with cheap muscle does not make ya some big shot crime lord,” said Scallywag, hooking his thumbs through his belt. “Yer still the same sniveling, weasely, no good, piece o’ gutter trash from the Blackbludgen Bay scrap yards I met all them years ago. Tha only thing ya’ve gotten better at is annoyin’ the stink out o’ me, which I wouldn’t have believed possible until I literally just heard ya speak yer own bloody sound effects. Now can we dispense with tha bollox and get down ta the reason I’m subjecting meself ta yer unique brand of nitwittery before I feel tha need ta put a gun in me mouth and make all the rumors
about me death come true?”

  Xao’s narrow eyes went wide with indignation at Scallywag’s words. Scallywag was aware the brutes around him were unsure of what to do with someone talking to their boss with such blatant disrespect, but Scallywag was beyond caring at that point. Xao, on the other hand, did seem to care. He got to his feet, his snout curled up into a displeased snarl.

  “Oooooo, look at yooooooou!” Xao said as he approached Scallywag. “Think you all toughboi comin’ into Xao’s lair and talking all tough. Well, maybe Xao needs to teach you some manners!” Xao reached behind him and clumsily pulled out a ridiculously oversized gold-plated plasma pistol and waved it in Scallywag’s face. “Say uh’hurro to Xao’s little friend!” Xao screeched. “How you like Xao now, toughboi? You ain’t nothing but a little glitch to Xao the Thugnificent, Scallywaaaaag! Ya hear that, ya glitch? That’s right! Xao called you a glitch! Nyah, nyah, nyah!”

  Scallywag yawned as Xao kept posturing, the huge gun in his hand so heavy the idiot could barely keep it leveled at Scallywag’s face.

  “You think you can just come in here and muck on Xao?” said Xao, poking Scallywag in the chest with the muzzle of his gun. “No one muck on Xao, pirate! Xao muck on you!”

  Scallywag quickly slapped the gun aside. It was so large and heavy it fell from Xao’s hand and clattered harmlessly onto the floor. Xao looked at his empty hand with surprise, right before Scallywag abruptly grabbed Xao’s extended trigger finger and bent it backward, making Xao squeal. All the brutes in the room drew their weapons, aiming them right at Scallywag’s head. But not before Scallywag had drawn his gun and aimed it right between Xao’s tiny legs.

  “What’s say we get mucked together, eh?” muttered Scallywag.

  “Is cool! Is cool! No one muck on anyone!” screeched Xao, waving his men off frantically with his free hand. The brutes all slowly lowered their blasters as Scallywag eyed each one in turn. “Why you so mean to Xao, Scally?” Xao whined. “We friends! We friends!”

  “Well now, if we’re such close friends, ya won’t mind giving me ship back, would ya, mate?” growled Scallywag.

  “Your ship?”

  Scallywag twisted Xao’s finger, making him cry out again. “Ya know what I’m talkin’ about,” he said with a sneer. “The Reaver. The one ya swindled Pinkbottom out of.”

  “That old thing?” said Xao. “It gone! It gone!”

  “Whaddya mean it’s gone?”

  “Someone already took it!”

  Scallywag bent Xao’s finger back further, making it pop. “Ya must enjoy this, Xao, otherwise ya’d be tellin’ me the whole bloody story. Who took me ship???”

  “Some Visini girl!” Xao whined. “She mean! Mean for a Blue! Meaner than you! She scare Xao! Said ship was hers!”

  Scallywag grimaced. “Was her name Glimmer, by any chance?”

  “Yes! That her name! Glimmer!” said Xao. “She pretty! Mean, but pretty! Xao think she like him. All ladies loooove Xao.”

  Scallywag let go of Xao’s finger and holstered his gun. Xao rubbed his hand, relieved to be free from Scallywag’s grip. “So ya just rolled over and gave her me ship?” muttered Scallywag.

  “Her and her boys took out Xao’s brutes!” complained Xao. “Had to hire all new ones after she gone. What was Xao supposed to do? Besides, Xao got the kibble. No big deal!”

  “I don’t suppose she told ya where she might be going with it?”

  “Xao no ask, Xao no care,” Xao replied. “Xao glad to see her go. That glitch be crazy!”

  Scallywag shook his head, disappointed. Without another word he turned and started to leave.

  “What? That it?” asked Xao.

  “That’s it,” muttered Scallywag.

  Xao looked nervously at the three goons in the room before calling out after Scallywag. “That right!” yelled Xao. “You better run! Xao no ‘fraid of you! Xao see you again, Xao kill you! Muggahugger.”

  Before he left Scallywag pulled his pistol and fired a few blasts at Xao’s feet, causing him to shriek like a woman and scatter back to his throne to cower. Xao looked at Scallywag pathetically, his eyes wide with fear.

  “All hail Xao the Thugnificent,” Scallywag said before holstering his gun and walking out the door.

  Chapter 27

  Jack roamed around the illustrious halls of the Capitol Tower, completely and utterly lost. These floors are so dang big, he thought to himself as he checked his datapad for the thousandth time. He must not have been reading the map right, because he’d been wandering around looking for his destination for a good twenty minutes. Supposedly, the Council Chamber of the Elders was pretty important, so it shouldn’t have been hard to find. But Jack was still getting used to where everything was located in Capitol City, not to mention its massive supertowers.

  Eventually he found the hallway he was looking for and glanced at the doors as he passed by, trying to find the one marked “Evenstar.” When he did, he rang the buzzer. The door opened revealing Amadeus. “Jack?” he said with a welcoming smile. “What are you doing here?”

  “I called your offices and they told me you and your dad were here,” said Jack. “I have this meeting with Armonto Virtuoso in a bit, so I figured I’d stop by on my way there and say ‘hi.’ ”

  “Come on in,” Amadeus said, standing aside.

  Jack entered the room. It was a small observation lounge with couches, a desk, and monitors playing various closed-circuit news feeds. The wall opposite the door was one giant window over-looking the Council of Elders chamber below. Jack stepped forward and gazed down at the hall below them. It looked like a stadium almost, with seating rising up on two sides of the room and a flat area in the center that contained tables and a podium. The towering walls met with a domed ceiling, and just off the center floor of the chamber, an incredibly large robot clad in black robes and what looked to be a powdered wig sat upon an equally large high-backed seat, like some type of judge lording over the room.

  “Whoa,” said Jack, eyeing the large robot. “What the heck is that thing?”

  “That is the Grand Adjudicator,” said Amadeus. “Imperial law is so far-reaching and complex that it’s hard to keep straight sometimes. The Adjudicator was commissioned during the Age of Enlightenment to oversee all business in both the Council of Elders and the Council of Juniors. It has the final word on what’s legal and what isn’t, so if there are any problems that come up during the passage of a law, the Adjudicator will point them out. It basically ensures that everyone plays by the rules.”

  “So it’s like a big robotic goalie, huh?”

  Amadeus chuckled. “If you consider politics a sport, then yes, I guess you could say that.”

  Jack’s gaze drifted to Eudox Evenstar, standing on the floor of the Council Hall, engaged in what appeared to be a rather heated debate with two Elder representatives. “What’s your dad up to?” asked Jack.

  Amadeus looked down at his father. “Oh, that,” said Amadeus with a frown. “He’s trying to keep Elder Tantalus and Elder Romaar from backing out of supporting our offensive initiative against the Deathlords.”

  “Why would they want to back out of kicking Deathlord butt?” asked Jack.

  “Why indeed?” Amadeus replied, wryly. “It really shouldn’t be as complicated as it is, but there’s been a huge debate over how exactly this war should be handled. Normally, it wouldn’t be an issue to go on the offensive, but when Regalus Prime was destroyed, it threw everything for a loop. Under the influence of Legacy Skyborn, the Directory has been playing defense for the last ten years. It used to be only the Imperial Government was allowed to have a space fleet, but in order to protect the member planets, the Councils passed a measure allowing the Legacies to build their own fleets once the Deathlords appeared. However, with that kind of military might at their disposal, it’s as though each Legacy is its own mini-empire. Without the centralized control Regalus Prime afforded, every member planet now has its own ideas of what it should be doing because it’s no lo
nger completely reliant on the Empire for protection.”

  “I guess I’m still an idiot when it comes to how all this stuff works,” said Jack. “Back on my planet, I always read about how Empires were evil and oppressive and stuff. My country was all about freedom and individuality and things like that. It seems to me like letting people decide for themselves what to do is a good thing.”

  “On a local level you’d be right,” said Amadeus. “Most Legacies allow their host planets to govern themselves as they see fit. But when it comes to governing tens of thousands of light years of space, democracy just becomes too cumbersome. The beauty of the Empire was that it helped tie together all its star systems in an efficient way. It offered standardized technology, education, currency, and a host of other things that wouldn’t be possible to enforce outside of the Imperial structure. Some Emperors have experimented with a republic system, but it was deemed far too inefficient. Emperor Nameer pioneered our current system of a constitutional monarchy, where all races and species are represented in the government, but power is still centralized around Legacy Prime and the Directory.”

  “Well, if all the Legacies have space fleets now, what’s the problem?” asked Jack. “Couldn’t the Empire just focus on offence while the Legacies stay back and play defense?”

  “Again, it’s more complicated than it should be,” replied Amadeus. “Ever since the Deathlords appeared, there have been uprisings throughout the Empire. People are scared, and the longer this war drags on, the more people are starting to believe the Empire can’t protect them. The Directors are afraid that if they commit the Empire’s fleet to pursuing the Deathlords, there will be no one around to keep the Legacies in-line and the Empire will begin to fracture as Legacies break away from it. And once that happens, the whole house of cards will come crashing down.”