The Darkness Visible

by Tori de Clare

Yep. Long legs, broad smile, dark hair, very red lips. Utterly memorable. ‘It was all a bit traumatic. I really don’t remember her.’

  ‘Well she remembers you. Look, I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but she’s the reason why I was convinced you were innocent. She described how you were on the journey home. She said you barely knew your own name, you were in such a state. No one could fake that.’

  Nathan used his well-practised skill. He dredged some moisture from somewhere now and made his eyes turn watery. He couldn’t produce tears, but tears weren’t necessary. The suggestion of tears was enough. He lowered his gaze and made a mock of wiping his face. ‘It was the journey from hell,’ he said reflectively, recognising some truth stirred in with fiction. ‘I thought I’d lost her forever, Kerry.’ Again, entirely truthful – until the bitch had showed up alive. Time for another deep stare. He searched her eyes. ‘I sometimes wonder if it’s worse this way. I’ve lost her, not to the ocean like I thought, but to my brother. And she deliberately put me through the pain of not knowing where she was or what had happened.’ A pause, while he pressed his lips together and shook his head. ‘I suppose it’s no less than I deserve.’

  ‘No one deserves that,’ Kerry said, looking at him without blinking. ‘No one.’

  ‘I struggle not to hate him, Kerry, my own brother. I’d have given him anything he’d asked for, you know? Anything but my wife. He took the one thing that was precious to me.’

  Surely she wasn’t swallowing any of this. Nathan watched her eyes fill with tears. He almost laughed. She was falling for every word. This was too easy. Not dull though. Far from dull.

  He stretched one hand slowly towards her. She didn’t move, so he pushed his fingers into her hair. ‘Don’t be upset,’ he said, pulling her face closer. Her eyes never moved from his. Her lips were parting. She gulped and licked them. It was like having soft clay in his hands that he could manipulate into any shape he chose. He stopped just short of her lips, to show that he was considering this carefully. ‘I really want to kiss you, Kerry, but I don’t know if it’s the right thing –’

  She took the initiative now and moved the rest of the way by herself. Nathan was pleasantly surprised, but then she wasn’t in the police for nothing. She had an edge. So did her kisses. Nathan made the move worth her while. He knew she’d imagined this and that he was fulfilling a fantasy for her, so he put everything into it and she eagerly wrapped her arms around his neck and clung tight. This chick was surprising. Plus she had access to private files. And witness statements. And she had a sports car. She was definitely worth exploring, and right now, she tasted pretty good too.

  <><><>

  Henry was on his laptop. It had become a habit and a buzz having the web at his fingertips. It was company. Stimulation. He’d actually been looking forward to Camilla slinking off to bed, which she’d done at ten-thirty. It was twelve-fifteen now. There was a message from Lorie which cheered him as soon as he saw it.

  ‘Really sorry I couldn’t make it for my stuff, Henry. I was disappointed not to see you. Hope you got on alright with Amber. She’s quite a character.’

  ‘Indeed! Don’t worry, we got along just fine. She was very nice. She tried to persuade me to join a gym!’

  ‘ . . . And?’

  ‘And . . . who knows? I can see the benefits.’

  ‘It’ll do you good, Henry, getting another hobby. Maybe we could meet up for a chat sometime?’

  Henry hesitated. He had a short argument with himself then decided not to think about it too much. ‘Sure, petal. Sometime.’

  22

  Naomi’s arms were aching. Since her sessions with Dan in Dr Brown’s pool, she’d kept up with swimming three mornings a week. She set her alarm for seven and went alone. She didn’t want to lose what she’d gained with Dan, so she pushed herself into the pool and it got easier each time. There was an Olympic-sized pool opposite the college, so she’d been going alternate days. Occasionally, Dan had met her too. It felt like a step to be seen with him in public, even if it was only in a swimming pool at seven-fifteen in the morning. They swam a lot and talked little. No one paid them any attention. The people who used the pool at that time were keen to cover as many lengths as possible before scattering to their jobs.

  Her arms weren’t aching today because of swimming. She’d spent three hours straight at the piano. She’d entered the concerto competition, which, at the time, seemed like a great idea, something to do – no social life equalled tons of piano practise time. But now she was spending hours a day with Chopin and his first piano concerto and was wondering if Chopin actually ever played the thing himself, or wrote it for a laugh.

  She’d once visited his grave in Paris – an elaborate cemetery which looked more like little streets with miniature houses than a burial ground. Chopin didn’t have a headstone, but a small brick room with a door. It was a shrine covered in flowers and letters, oddly. She’d run her eyes over a few words, people thanking him for his contribution to the world, and for all the joy – people who’d obviously never tried to play the first concerto. At times, she felt like rushing back to the cemetery with the score and dumping it at his little front door and telling him to bury it under the floorboards.

  Naomi gathered her music and pencil and shoved them in her bag. It was four-thirty in the afternoon. She had nothing on for the rest of the day. She’d made a decision and couldn’t concentrate. She wanted to see Dan. Now. At rush hour. It was one of those light bulb, life-was-for-living moments. Why was she sneaking about seeing Dan in secret? Siobhan knew about Dan. Annabel knew. Her dad knew and by now he’d probably told her mum. Strange how she’d never mentioned it, but then Camilla was acting weird. Maybe she was finally realising that confrontation wasn’t the answer to everything. Maybe she was finally letting go. Either way, Naomi had realised sometime during her battle with page sixteen of her music that all the important people were cool about Dan. Did it matter what other people thought?

  Not enough to keep her from the hospital today. He’d be at there until five. Manchester Royal Infirmary was less than a mile up the road. She decided to take a slow walk and meet Dan as he came out. She walked with her head down through habit, a biting wind in her back.

  It was four-fifty now. She hung around for fifteen minutes. As far as she knew, he was on the children’s ward. He never really mentioned his work. She rarely questioned him now she thought about it. Time to quit being selfish. If Dan could cure her of her fear of water, she could be seen in public with him. It was time to make bold moves and to hell with anyone who minded.

  Naomi took a lift to the fourth floor and walked along a corridor and until she came to the children’s ward. It wasn’t visiting time. The doors were sealed and guarded by a keypad. There was a reception desk just beyond the door. A nurse was sorting papers at the desk and saw Naomi peeping through the glass and released the door to let her enter.

  ‘Can I help?’

  ‘I’m just looking for one of the junior doctors actually. I’m not sure if he still works on this ward or if he’s been moved. I was just passing –’

  ‘Doctor’s name?’ she was too hassled for small talk.

  ‘Dan Stone.’

  There it was – that look of recognition mixed with horror, the reason why she’d never visited the hospital so far; the reason why she’d been seeing Dan in secret.

  She felt her cheeks burn up.

  ‘Dan Stone hasn’t worked here since he was arrested last autumn.’

  ‘Where has he been moved to?’

  ‘You see Dan, do you?’

  Her cheeks were on fire. ‘Yes.’

  ‘In that case, I don’t understand why you don’t know that Dan was dismissed by the medical board last October.’

  ‘Dismissed?’

  ‘Yes, dismissed. He was being investigated for serious crimes. It was a very high-profile case. It wasn’t viable for him to be in the medical profession working with patients. Patient trust is everything.’ She looke
d about her to check they were still alone. ‘You’ll have to excuse me,’ she said, ushering a speechless Naomi to the door and beyond it.

  Naomi found herself walking away from the hospital down Oxford Road. She had no memory of getting there. Her thoughts were swimming, confused. She’d spent two weeks using the pool at some doctor’s house, yet Dan hadn’t worked with any doctors for months. If the house didn’t belong to a colleague of Dan’s, who did it belong to? The worst thing was that Dan had lied. Unbelievable. She was walking at a pace now, almost running. Unbelievable! How could he do that at a time like this? He said he’d told me everything.

  But now she knew it wasn’t true.

  <><><>

  Naomi ran back to the student house and hoped that it was empty. She was in luck. The lads were out and Siobhan was at her flute lesson. She trudged upstairs and slumped heavily on her bed. The energy she’d spent getting home was all she had.

  Her thoughts fired for an hour or more and made no sense. She couldn’t think; she could only feel. Then her phone rang. She looked wearily at the screen, Dad.

  She puffed out all her breath and lifted the phone to her ear.

  ‘Hi, Dad.’

  ‘Oh dear,’ he said. ‘What’s the trouble, petal?’

  She didn’t know exactly, and had no will to struggle with words. ‘It doesn’t matter.’

  ‘Things not going well with Dave?’ he asked. He’d called him Dave ever since the chat at home.

  ‘No, I’m not happy with Dave at the moment. After everything I said, I’m not sure I can trust him after all.’

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry, flower. Trust is everything. Without it, I mean –’

  ‘I know, Dad. I don’t need a lecture.’

  ‘Of course. I’m sorry. I’m completely disappointed in him. And annoyed if I’m honest.’

  ‘You and me both.’

  ‘You’ve been through too much for a girl of your age.’

  The sympathy caused her eyes to fill. ‘Yeah, well, I’ll live.’ A short pause. ‘How’s Mum doing?’

  Now Henry paused and sighed. ‘Same, love. The lights are on, you know, but there’s no one in. That’s how she is at the moment.’

  Naomi clasped the bedcovers between her fingers. ‘Anything I can do to help?’

  ‘I think you have enough on your plate.’

  ‘How are you managing, Dad?’

  His voice lightened. ‘Oh I’m just getting on with things. Believe it or not, I’ve joined a gym. I’m off for a session this evening.’

  ‘No way!’ she said, with less enthusiasm than she’d intended. Her tone was flat.

  ‘Yes. I’m quite enjoying it and I’ve lost four pounds already.’

  ‘Has Mum noticed?’

  ‘She hasn’t said. Plus, the Rolls is up for sale. I don’t expect to have any trouble selling her.’

  ‘Oh,’ Naomi said, trying to feel more sorry for him than for herself. ‘Will you need bereavement counselling?’

  He laughed. ‘Quite possibly.’

  ‘You sound OK about it.’

  ‘More important things, eh?’

  ‘Yeah. Is Annie around, Dad? She isn’t answering her phone.’

  ‘No, we barely see her. New job seems to be going well, and she and Joel are joined at the hip.’

  ‘I know. I’m pleased for her.’

  ‘Me too. Well, I’ll let you go, love.’

  ‘Dad, will you help me with something? I’ve been putting it off for too long, but now it’s time. Do you know any good solicitors? I need to deal with Nathan once and for all.’

  ‘Are you sure you’re ready for this?’

  ‘Certain. The sooner that psycho’s out of my life, the better.’

  <><><>

  Several hours later, Naomi was still in the same place while Siobhan crashed around in the kitchen and the lads played Guitar Hero in the lounge. Dan had tried to call her five times. She’d let it go to answerphone each time and hadn’t listened to the messages. She hadn’t turned the light on in the bedroom either. She had no energy to move. Her limbs were hopelessly heavy.

  There was a knock at the front door. Either no one heard it or no one answered. Naomi didn’t move until the banging came again, more insistent. She reluctantly swung her legs onto the floor, talked herself into standing and instructed her legs on how to walk, and how to take her down the stairs. Siobhan was running water in the kitchen, oblivious, and the lads had the TV set to loud.

  The third knock came just before she reached the door. When she opened it, Dan was standing on the path in a black hooded top.

  ‘Naomi, you’re here.’

  ‘Where else would I be?’

  He moved forward to touch her, but she stepped back.

  ‘I’ve been so worried. I’ve rung you loads of times.’

  ‘I know you have.’

  Dan looked stunned. ‘What’s the matter with you? What’s happened?’

  Naomi folded her arms and met his gaze. ‘I trusted you, Dan. I really cared about you and you lied to me.’

  Her voice shook. The beginnings of a painful lump congealed in her throat.

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  Naomi fought back the tears and tried to swallow. ‘I’m talking about you, Dan, and the fact that you’ve never mentioned that you were dismissed from the hospital six months ago.’

  The light went out of Dan’s eyes, and then he closed them. When he looked at her again, he said, ‘Who told you about that?’

  ‘Does it matter?’ Naomi shouted.

  Dan didn’t answer.

  ‘I went to the hospital today because I wanted to surprise you. How do you think I felt when they told me why you weren’t there?’ She couldn’t say any more.

  ‘Awful, sick – the same way that I felt when they made the decision to dismiss me.’

  ‘But you lied to me, Dan.’

  ‘I haven’t so much lied as evaded the truth.’

  ‘It’s the same thing.’

  ‘No it isn’t. You never really talk to me about my work there. If you’d pushed me, I might have been honest, but there’s never been a good time. When we talk, it’s generally about you and how you’re doing, which is fine. You’ve needed support and I’ve wanted to be there for you. I don’t want to talk about my problems. I wanted to be strong for you.’

  ‘At what cost, Dan? I feel I can’t trust you now.’

  ‘Read between the lines, Naomi. I didn’t want to burden you with it.’

  Dan stepped forward again. Naomi recoiled. ‘That doesn’t make it alright.’

  ‘Naomi, I haven’t wanted to tell you this, but I’ve lost everything, OK?’ Tears collected in his eyes now. ‘My family, my job, my career. All my years of study and work have just gone. I didn’t want you to feel any responsibility for that, because none of it is your fault, OK? I didn’t want you to have to worry about me as well as manage your own problems. I’m sorry you had to find out the way you did, but I’ve been trying to spare you –’

  ‘I was bound to find out sooner or later.’

  A nauseous feeling crawled around inside her, leaving her stomach in knots.

  ‘I’m appealing the decision. I was hoping for a positive outcome before you had to know. Then I would have told you.’

  ‘Whose house did we go to when we swam?’

  ‘I told you, Les Brown. We’ve kept in touch. I’m appealing the decision and he’s helping me. He’s been kind enough to care about me, and when he went away, he left me a key so that I could use his facilities because he’s worried about me. He’s a really good friend.’

  ‘Who texted you that first morning?’

  ‘Les, with a date for the hearing. I’m going before the medical board soon. He was offering support.’

  ‘At that time in the morning?’

  ‘Yes. That’s the time he gets up. Do you want to see the message?’ Dan held out his phone.

  Naomi shook her head. ‘How are you affording your flat without a job?’
/>
  ‘I’m not. My parents pay the rent. I get Jobseeker’s Allowance which means I have to be grilled in an interview once a week. It’s so demoralising, Naomi. I hate it with a passion.’ A tear escaped one eye and he swiped it away. ‘No one will employ me, but I’m hoping I can get back into my medical training on grounds of unfair dismissal. Right? So now you know. I kept it from you for a reason.’

  Naomi hung her head. Shame dragged it down. Seconds ticked by. She prepared for an apology. ‘I’m sorry, Dan. Sorry you’ve lost your job. Sorry I didn’t believe you. I feel really horrible.’

  ‘Don’t. Come on,’ he said. ‘I’m sorry too.’ He closed the gap between them and engulfed her in his arms. His top was cold but his hands were warm. There was no feeling like being in Dan’s arms. It was the only place of safety right now. The only peace.

  ‘Can you forgive me?’ she asked.

  Dan pulled back and looked at her and leant in to kiss her cheek. ‘Of course I can. I’m fairly sure I love you, Naomi.’

  ‘I love –’

  He touched her lips with his fingers to silence her. ‘Please don’t say it,’ he said, and his eyes filled again. ‘This is hard enough. Let me finish.’ He paused and swallowed. Her heart drummed a sickly beat. ‘Because I love you, I’m going to have to let you go.’

  ‘Let me go where?’ Her mouth went dry. She tried to swallow, but the lump was back and her heart was thumping mercilessly. ‘What do you mean?’

  Dan sighed. Another tear slithered down his cheek. He touched her face with his fingers as if trying to memorise it. ‘I mean you need to get on with your life without me. You’re strong and capable. You’re talented and beautiful. You really don’t need your husband’s brother hanging around anymore.’

  ‘Nathan’s not my husband, Dan. He never has been. I’m going to sort things permanently with him, I promise. My dad’s helping me. Then we can make a fresh start.’

  He pulled her to him and held her close. Her tears wet his shoulder; his tears wet hers. ‘I can’t bear to see you look at me like that again,’ he said into her ear. ‘Not ever.’