Only the Strongest Survive

by Ian Fox

  Suddenly she became aware that Kitty was next to her, looking at her sadly. The little dog felt that something was wrong with her and shared her feelings. On seeing this, Emely could not help herself smiling. She reached for the puppy and Kitty was more than glad to jump onto the bed. Emely cuddled her and they both fell asleep, side by side.

  *

  Tired, John returned to his room. He had hoped so much that after confessing his love to her, she would fall into his arms and cover his face with kisses. He knew she didn’t love him, but there was still a glimmer of hope in his heart that his words would soften her. In his hidden thoughts he had imagined that he would be able to hold her hands and look into her eyes all night long. He had imagined carrying her to his bed, making love for hours. But none of that happened.

  He put his hand on his stomach where the familiar pain had reappeared, spreading like a wild creeper across his abdomen. His throat was burning and he couldn’t get his saliva to go down. Never before had he had these problems.

  What can I do? he wondered. I’d take anything if I knew it would make me feel better. These damn pains, why can’t they leave me alone?

  He massaged his abdomen with circular movements and thought the pain diminished by a fraction. This is how I’ll feel in hell … if it exists. Everyone talks about love, but it’s nothing but suffering, he thought. I don’t want to love, I want to be like I was, happy and satisfied, missing nothing.

  Before going to bed, he let his T-shirt drop to the floor. If only I could take my pain off like this T-shirt and free myself from the suffering that leads nowhere. Why can’t she reciprocate my love? Why doesn’t she want me to love her? I can’t live without her. What can I do? I’m going crazy.

  He turned over onto his stomach. It’s understandable she doesn’t like me if I’m keeping her in that room. … But I can’t let her go, I can’t live without her. What can I do?

  He shook his head, wanting to chase away these thoughts, wanting to be overcome by a wave of calmness that would numb the feelings in his body. At that moment he remembered. A strong drink.

  He pushed off the cover and jumped out of bed. Wearing only his underwear, he went downstairs, relieved that he had finally remembered something that would help him get through the night.

  He put a bottle of vodka and a basin of ice next to the divan on which he lay. He lit a cigarette, which spread a pleasant warmth around his lungs, making him feel much better and reducing his stomachache. But as soon as the old thoughts came back, the alcohol made his feelings of love even more intense and the sense of loneliness even more acute. If he imagined being in bed with her, kissing her silky skin, he felt a pleasant energy, but only a moment later as he became aware of the cruel reality, his stomach burned again as if a knife had been shoved into it. He took a few more sips hoping that the pain would finally disappear. And it did; the alcohol did its job. The feelings aroused by thinking about Emely increased and he found it difficult to separate his dreams from reality.

  After a third glass of vodka, everything seemed much better and he decided to go to bed. Swaying, he set off for the stairs. As he passed the door leading to the basement, he stopped again and thought, What if my dreams could come true after all?

  He knew she would reject him, so he walked on, but hesitated again after only a few steps. He turned back toward the door. No, I mustn’t.

  He stood there, thinking. A part of him was forcing him to go upstairs and another part was telling him to go to her. Which of these voices should he obey?

  What if she’s feeling lonely and this is just the right moment? He so wanted to turn away, but instead stood in front of the door, staring at the handle.

  Finally, he set off toward the bathroom, determined to go to bed. But the pain in his stomach reappeared with such ferocity that he had to stop. I’ll just give her a hug. A quick one. Yes, that’s what I’ll do, just a quick hug, he thought, putting the key into the lock.

  The light from the hall penetrated Emely’s room, revealing her lying on her left side, submersed in dreams. Quickly he pushed the door closed so that the light would not wake her. Kitty watched him, wagging her tail. He stroked her head gently and she lay on her back in the hope that he would tickle her tummy. Because of the darkness he could barely see the outline of the objects in the room. Like a cat, he crawled under the cover, pressing himself gently to Emely. To his surprise, she moved herself closer to him so that he could feel her soft skin with his body. He lay there perfectly still, afraid to move, wishing these moments would last forever.

  He put his nose closer to her neck in order to smell her perfume. A shiver ran down his body. He had wanted her to be close so much and there she was, lying next to him so that he was able to feel the whole of her. He adjusted the rhythm of his breathing to hers, closed his eyes and his thoughts floated far away. It felt so good, he was with her and yet transported somewhere far away, where he would be able to rest and feel nothing.

  *

  “John!”

  Like cold water being poured over him, he was in shock for a few moments before becoming aware of where he was. He must have slept there for an hour or so and the effects of the alcohol were wearing off. He was feeling much less brave than earlier. Knowing that he had made a big mistake, he began trembling.

  Emely was also in shock and could barely breathe. She wanted to get out of his embrace, but he was holding her so tightly that she could do nothing but wriggle.

  “I won’t hurt you,” he said stubbornly. “I needed so much to be close to you.”

  “But John, you promised me.”

  “Yes, I know, but …”

  I must act sternly but calmly and he’ll leave, Emely thought. “John, I know it’s not easy being alone. But that’s no excuse for climbing into my bed in the middle of the night.” Her voice was shrill and slightly hysterical. She was motionless now and felt as if she had found a huge poisonous spider in her bed. If she moved, it would attack her and she would die in agony. But if she remained perfectly still, there was a chance it would leave.

  “I know. But whenever I’m alone I get this stomachache. I can’t sleep. I don’t know how to describe the pains that begin to tear at my insides only ten minutes after you’re no longer with me.”

  “I know what you’re trying to tell me.” She cared very little about his pains. What about me? Who was there with me when I screamed and fainted in that grave? What was that if not pain? How dare he come here like a whimpering puppy in the middle of the night as soon as he gets a pain? She felt she was losing patience.

  “I promise I won’t do anything you wouldn’t want me to. I wouldn’t hurt you again for anything in the world. I love you and all I want is to have you in my arms for a while.”

  She knew he was telling the truth. What can I do? She wanted to say something but couldn’t find the right words that would persuade him to leave. Then she thought of something.

  She sighed audibly, like an angry teacher that had come up with a way of fooling a naughty child. “OK then. But ten minutes, no more,” she said strictly.

  He kissed her neck in gratitude and held her even tighter.

  And so they lay there, Emely, rigid, and John happy and relaxed behind her. They were like an old couple, where he is still in love with her but she can barely wait for him to go to sleep so she can push him away.

  The minutes dragged on. In the hope of distracting herself, Emely counted the seconds in order to be able to assess when she could tell him to go. If I said ten minutes, it really will be ten minutes, not a second longer. I mustn’t be lenient. After she counted to sixty twice, she felt something stir behind her. His swollen manhood was pressing against her buttocks. Oh no, she thought.

  “Sorry, Emely, I can’t help myself. I promise I won’t do anything you don’t want me to. I’ll soon be gone.”

  She was slightly relieved, but the hairs on her arm were still standing up. She was unsure whether it was because of fear or something else. By breathing rhyt
hmically she tried to calm the storms raging inside her. There were hurricanes, typhoons, and cyclones over which she had no control. She continued counting; it was the only sensible thing she could do. She counted and waited. Please, let him leave.

  Eight times she counted to sixty, so there were two minutes left. As promised, he was motionless the whole time, his arms around her. In fact, he was too still, not moving once. What if …?

  She heard a gentle snore that answered her question. Would you believe it?

  She was relieved, knowing that he wouldn’t hurt her, but at the same time this was not the solution she wanted. How will I get rid of him now?

  “John,” she said in an undecided tone of voice. “John, wake up.”

  She shook in the hope that he’d wake up, but instead his grip tightened and he mumbled with pleasure.

  I can’t believe this, he must be pretending.

  She tried to pull apart the hands clasped around her, but they were so big and heavy that she couldn’t get a good enough hold. He slept like a log through it all. Unbelievable.

  For a while she lay there helplessly, mulling over what she could do. I’ll try again.

  This time she grabbed one of his hands with both of hers and tried to move it. She succeeded partly, but only a moment later the hands were clasped together again. It seemed as if his hands and arms were not connected to the rest of his body, but wide awake and on guard.

  “John, wake up!” she said again, this time in a deeper voice.

  Nothing. He really must have been tired.

  Not giving up yet, she shook herself like a cat a few more times, convinced this would wake him. Damn it, how can this be?

  In the end she had to give in. Lying on her side, she thought about him and how he was both a vulgar ruffian, capable of murder, and as sensitive as a small child. She was amazed that a person could possess such conflicting characteristics. He was never given love, that’s why he’s so rough, but inside he probably isn’t that bad at all. She couldn’t decide what to think about him. Sometimes, when she was in a bad mood and he appeared, she hated him from the bottom of her heart. But at the same he was so kind to her and she knew he would do anything for her—except release her, of course. Often she thought that he was in fact his brother’s victim, while Ronald belonged in a mental hospital.

  There had been moments when she looked in John’s eyes and maybe … maybe she did not hate him all that much. And then all those things he told her that surprised and shocked her. No one had ever said so many loving things to her at the same time: “I love you … I needed you to be close …” were proclamations that still reverberated around her head.

  How could she hate someone that loved her so much? She had been waiting for a man like this forever. She had given up hope, thinking that men cared about nothing but sex. She was convinced that they were incapable of loving the way women do.

  And then she thought: But then I used to meet up with Philip for sex only, too. I can’t really say that I was in love with him. I was very attracted to him and I was fond of him, but in love?… No, not really. In fact he often got on my nerves with his philosophizing.

  When this happened, she used to endure it for a while, then got up and went home. This was another reason why she preferred to be at his place rather than hers. Oh, Philip …

  She moved away from John slightly and again felt his hardness pressing against her. How can men sleep with an erection? She smiled. Philip was not half as well-endowed. A strange energy filled her body, she trembled and smiled again. Then she became serious and berated herself for having such obscene thoughts.

  She thought for a while longer, then her eyes closed and she fell into a deep sleep.

  *

  They were walking on the gravel next to a river and could barely hear each other’s voices that were drowning in the sounds of the fast-flowing current. In some places the water looked like champagne. The air was imbued with the cool, refreshing spray, and the couple were happy and full of life.

  They had been walking for only twenty minutes when a beautiful waterfall, about fifteen feet high, appeared in front of them. Because the water fell from such a height, it contained millions of small bubbles that glistened like precious stones. This was paradise.

  When they got very close to the waterfall they were surrounded by a cloud of small droplets. John took off his T-shirt to prevent it from getting wet and she watched his wide shoulders and strong arms. His skin was nicely tanned from the sun, indicating that he often worked outside without a shirt on. Emely wanted him badly.

  She started running away from him, looking back in the hope that he would understand she was playing. He immediately embraced his role and began chasing her like a lion. They ran around for a while next to the river, often nearly losing their balance on the gravel.

  He admitted he had underestimated her strength. He had to try hard in order to finally grab her by the thin leather belt around her elegant hips. While he was pulling her toward him, the belt became undone and she fell directly into the raging river. Within a second he came after her, lifted her out as if she were a feather and carried her to the grassy area nearby. When he saw a sunny place, he gently put her down, adjusting her wet hair that was in her eyes. She was still holding on to his arms for support and safety. She wanted him to embrace her, but was not sure that he wanted her as much as she wanted him. She looked admiringly at his handsome eyes and lips that attracted her so much.

  Emely could last no longer; she had to have him. Holding his head between her hands, she pulled it toward her. Finally, their lips merged and their tongues became entwined. At that moment she was a part of the universe, all that there is. They became one and felt an incredible energy. Only a few moments earlier she had been wet and trembling with cold and now she felt just right in his arms.

  She simply had to undo his pants that still prevented the two of them from being fully united as a man and a woman.

  Naked, he lay on top of her and she felt him penetrate her. She was overcome by a wave of relief and then a sharp pain. She gave a short scream, not expecting it to hurt. Clenching her teeth in order to endure it more easily, her pain soon became mingled with pleasure, filling her with feelings of ecstasy the likes of which she had never imagined. She held on to his body, stroking his hair, enjoying his kisses. At one moment she looked at the sky and saw the white clouds watching her. Then her eyes became dazzled by the sunshine and immediately her body began writhing with orgasms that followed one after the other. It was all too much for her. Her head swung from left to right, her loud moans expressing the pleasure she was feeling. She opened her eyes and became aware of reality.

  The soft grass had disappeared. There was no sign of the sun. Emely was lying in bed and instead of the sun an artificial light was shining not far away. Next to her was a man looking at her with his black eyes. My God, John!

  She was breathing deeply, still feeling the energy that had only a few seconds earlier raged inside her. Her fear was so intense that it turned her heart into an out-of-control pump that barely managed to push the blood around her body. She was staring in his eyes, fearfully expecting what he would do. It was just like her dream. Those wonderful lips of his that attracted her so much. And those black eyes. She should push him away, she should stay as cold as ice. She knew exactly what she should do. But instead, she lay there, perfectly still, with her mouth open, looking into his eyes. She wanted to resist temptation, but didn’t have the strength. Her mind was telling her no, but her body wanted his touch and she desired him as she had desired no man before.

  As if they could read from each other’s eyes, their faces moved closer together. Slowly, his lips approached hers. They both were rigid with fear and they had nearly stopped breathing.

  Emely still had time to prevent a tragedy. All she had to do was turn her head away and berate him angrily instead of waiting, trembling with arousal.

  John was unable to stop, the attraction too strong, the invisible m
agnetic forces demanding that they be united. Immediately.

  Their faces were very close now and finally their lips touched, slowly and gently at first, then more passionately. They were both overcome by incredible relief and finally, taking courage, put their hands on each other. Time went still for them.

  He lay on top of her and began kneading her back and neck. It felt so good that she could not contain herself and thanked him with loud cries for his kisses that excited every inch of her skin. She was floating as if in space, she was in his arms and his strong fingers were massaging her. She was feeling more and more relaxed and desired him beyond belief. She wanted him to take all of her.

  John spent a long time kissing her lips, forehead, and neck, and then he proceeded down to her breasts. For a while he caressed her left breast, nibbling and sucking it, and then he moved to the right. His hands, meanwhile, roamed all over her: her legs, her stomach, her neck, her shoulders …. It was incredible. Emely had never felt so relaxed, had never experienced anything like it. She was moving her head side to side, enjoying the mixed sensations. He was so skillful with his hands that he was able to arouse and tickle her at the same time. He had not even penetrated her and she was ready to climax. He was a unique lover.

  She, too, was pressing on his shoulders, neck, arms, stroking his head and ears. When his lips appeared above hers again and he penetrated her mouth with his tongue, she felt as if she had received a glass of water after a severe thirst. That is how much she had wanted his kisses.

  His tongue traveled down along her neck, circled her breasts once more and then stopped on her stomach, working it gently. He was unshaved so his bristle was gently scratching her navel while his hands were on her breasts again. “Oh, John …” she sighed.